Chapter 25 - Pregnant?
Disclaimer: If I were Gaston Leroux and owned Phantom of the Opera, I wouldn't have cut 13 inches off my head :-P
Chapter Twenty-Five – Pregnant?
I am pregnant.
It had been a week since I was supposed to have my period. I woke up one not so special morning on my belly. Feeling the need to stretch I began to flip over only to notice a presence on my back. Sammy had curled up right on my bare back! Being me, I didn't want to disturb him so instead I thought of the night before.
"Erik?" I asked while sitting with him during our afternoon time in the library.
"Yes, my love?"
"How long have we been really married now?"
"Two weeks today my love."
Pondering the amount of time I sat and thought to myself one last time before I vocalized my inner thoughts.
"Yes, my dearest?"
"We've been sleeping together every night."
Shuffling slightly he said, "is there a problem with that?"
"Oh no, I just, well two weeks and no, um protection."
This time he faced me.
"Protection from your husband? How absurd!"
"No, well, I mean, well birth control."
This made him relax somewhat.
"Yes, I am aware. Besides birth control is not safe."
"It is in my time, Erik." I sighed leaning back on him again.
He still was in denial of the actual present when things were going so well with us.
"Why don't you want children, Christine?" he asked almost hurt.
"It's not that it's just, well I'm not sure if I'm ready. It's a huge responsibility and I'm so young."
Looking me in the eyes he said, "you were never 'young'. In all the time I ever knew you, you were never young. You've always been five years ahead of your peers in maturity years. You will make a great mother, Christine."
"I just, I'm scared Erik. I don't know anything about babies. I always make them cry!"
"Then you will sing them to sleep, just like I do with you."
He playfully kissed my forehead through the mask as he said this as I squinted my face at him. I didn't tell him, but I was due for a menstrual cycle in less than a week and some how I felt it wasn't going to come… especially when we skipped dinner for something else.
I loved Erik so much and he had given me everything I could have ever wanted. It was natural for me to want to make him happy, but now he wanted children. The thought of me raising a child scared me. I didn't know what to do or how to go about it, but how could I refuse my husband? No, he had not been angry or forceful when he took me to bed. It was me who always complied to his wishes as if we were thinking the same thing constantly. So perhaps it was my fault that I wanted to cry on the bed at the very moment as Sammy slept peacefully on my bare back.
That day was a blur to me. I couldn't think of anything but the idea of a baby. I wondered what it would look like. In a way I wanted it to have no traits of mine so that I may finally get a glimpse of the man I slept with. Terrible, I know. I wondered if it would be a girl or a boy and what the name would be, or when it would be born. What if it was born too early? Then it could die. What if it was born too late? Then I could die. What if I was the one to kill it by accident? Then we both would die. No, I could never kill it, well at least not intentionally. Though I did not love it, for I was too scared of it at the time, I could never kill it. It was still my baby and I was already feeling a responsibility for it.
Time after time I caught myself staring down at my belly as if I were going to suddenly see something knew; a sign, or a feeling, or something to tell me that this all was actually happening, but nothing ever came. I could only see the elaborate dress that covered my corset that covered my under garment which covered my belly which may indeed cover… I couldn't think about it. It was all too much. Everything that happened in this little house was something big and now this!
Where did I go from there?
No, my worst question still remained. How would I tell Erik?
It was night and I was lying in bed on my side as Erik came from the bathroom to lie down. In a deep part of my mind I was praying he would think I was asleep. It had been a long dreary day and I hoped that he would just assume that I needed my space to sleep. Erik knew me too well.
His arms slid around my waist and I heard him speak in my ear.
"Come my darling, come to me. You cannot be asleep so soon, my love."
"Not tonight, Erik. I'm too tired."
I probably said that a little coldly, but he took it lightly as he gently rolled me over against my will to face him.
"Too tired, little one? You have been dreary all day. I did not push you as much as I have been in your lessons and I allowed you to sleep this afternoon. What is wrong, my love?"
"It's nothing. Leave me alone." I said turning back over.
"Very well then." He said sadly replacing his hold on me.
I couldn't stand it. I was upset and angry at the world for everything that had happened. I didn't want him touching me.
I shrugged him off coldly making him growl.
"If you are going to deny my marriage rights, you ought to at least allow me to hold you."
"Erik we've slept together every night since we've been married. I'm tired and want to go to sleep!"
In saying this I shrugged him off completely. It was true, I was tired of life its self and since Erik was part of my life, I was tired of him as well. Unfortunately, I had been spoiled with the lack of Erik's temper for the past few weeks.
"You're tired, my dear?" he asked out of his throat, "well I am not, Christine."
Turning to face his golden eyes I snapped, "and what do you mean by that?"
"What is it the Bible says about the man ruling over the woman in Genesis?" he asked sitting up on his elbow to look down on me.
"Don't you dare try to used God against me!" I said sitting up completely.
"Very well then," he grabbed me and shoved me back down to the pillows, "I'll use physical force against you."
"Erik we may be married, but if I'm not willing to go through with this it's rape!"
"You think that's going to stop me?" he rasped in my ear.
"Erik, you wouldn't!"
"I would and you know I would whether you're willing or not!" he boomed as he stratled himself on top of me.
"Erik I don't want to!" I said beginning to push him off me to no avail.
Putting more weight on me as he lowered himself closer to my ear, I could see him smiling through his eyes.
"I could always fix that." I could feel him nibble on my ear as he spoke. "It's not so hard to seduce a woman who's already in love, you know."
In saying this I felt him thrust into me making me dizzy. Even with our clothes on I could feel the sensation only he could shoot through my body making me unconsciously moan. He began to kiss my neck as I couldn't help but give him more space to kiss by looking above me. I could feel him smile into my neck as his hands began to work my nightgown up my legs leaving goose bumps in their path. His hands always made that smooth gesture I couldn't help but love.
But there was something more important that was still plaguing my mind as he began to proceed in "seducing" me. I was going to have a baby.I was going to have a baby. What was I going to do with a baby? How was I going to take care of it? Erik… Erik what was Erik going to do with a baby? He said he wanted one but what was he going to do with it? A baby…
He pulled me from my thoughts and made my look up at him.
"Rachel, what's wrong? You're not responding at all."
"Erik, Erik I- well, I…"
"What's wrong? You're not just tired. There is something wrong. Won't you tell me what it is so we can finally get back to what I know we both love to do." he said this evily to my ears.
"Erik I told you I was tired and you obviously don't care enough about me to respect that!"
Getting up to sit beside me he sighed.
"Christine, what's wrong with you?"
"A lot. A lot is wrong with me."
"Then talk to me about it." He said as he picked me up to set my on his lap.
"You won't listen."
I crossed my arms.
"I'm listening now, aren't I?"
This made me sigh.
"You're just listening so you can get on with your 'business'." I said cocking an eyebrow. "How typical of a man!"
He extended his arms a bit to look at me more fully.
"Rachel Carson Monet when did you begin to talk like this? I waited for you for over a year because I loved you and I don't appreciate the way you're accusing me of not wanting you for you instead of what marriage offers. Now tell me what is wrong."
I looked down. Maybe he really was worried and I was using sex as an excuse. The idea of a baby really was beating me up!
"Erik I don't know how to say it."
"Then say it in another language just tell me!"
I felt as if he were going to shake it out of me somehow (he never was a patient man) and so the words just exploded from my lips.
"Erik I'm pregnant!"
For a moment or two, nothing was said or done. He then pulled me closer to look into my eyes. His gaze was so hard that I kept looking away and back awkwardly until he repeated back to me "You're pregnant?"
"Yes," I said feeling as if I was going to sob all of a sudden.
"You're sure to this?"
"Well, no, but I have all the right signs I know of… I think."
"When were you due for a menstrual cycle?"
"Two weeks ago."
"How have you been feeling lately?"
"Dazed? Goodness Erik I don't know what I'm supposed to feel like! I didn't even want this and you know it." I sobbed.
Taking my face in his hands he kissed me tenderly on the forehead.
"Christine, Christine, don't be like this. We need to be happy now. Christine," he looked into my eyes, "we're going to have a baby. This should be exciting."
"But Erik I'm scared."
"You've always been scared," he said planting a kiss on my lips, "but I've always been there for you and you know that, right?"
"Right," I sighed.
"My darling," he said encasing me in his arms and resting his head atop mine, "we're going to have a baby."
"Erik I don't know anything about babies."
"Neither do I!" He said suddenly excited about a new puzzle to solve, "it'll be a learning experience for both of us!"
"Erik I'm going to get fat." I said pessimistically.
"Yes, my dear, you are going to get fat." Came his dry answer.
"I never wanted to be fat."
"What does it matter since you will be the more gorgeous fat woman on earth?"
He always knew how to make me smile somehow making me relax.
"You know something? Sometimes I really do love you."
"Just sometimes my dear?" he asked lowering me down to the bed again.
"Well maybe most of the times."
"Only most of the times?" he asked again as he began to kiss my neck slowly as he ran his fingers through my hair.
"Well," I stopped as he began to proceed with what he had been doing before out chat. Pushing into me some more I let out a moan before I said, "I guess all the time."
"That's what I thought."
As if on cue I woke up early the next morning to hurl. I just found out at pregnancy and I was already not liking it at all. After my first heave Erik was soon found in the bathroom holding back my hair. Leaning on the toilet bowl I looked up to him.
"I'm not sure how much I like this, Erik." I said dizzily.
"It will not last forever, my dear." He said sweetly.
"Nine months seems a long way away right now."
"It would, but it's not forever. Besides, just wait until our baby is born! Won't that be exciting, Christine?"
I would have answered, that is of course, if I didn't have to vomit again.
With in a week we were sure of my pregnancy. My cycle had yet to come and throwing up had become a morning occurrence for me. I learned to simple just accept it, I was going to have a baby.
Little did I know that in nine months I would find myself near death in a well lit modern day hospital room with my husband unmasked standing beside me.