Musings of an Adolescent God
Light was not sure how long he sat staring out the open window but he soon began to feel the stinging cold. Closing it shut in a hurry, he huddled under his blanket in his bed.
That the other spirit would make itself known soon enough he was certain.
In the meantime, he shut his eyes, he had to think. What was it in Sayu's and L's past that they both shared? What was the lesson?
He would never have put L and Sayu together; they almost seemed from completely different worlds. Sayu was a nineties child, raised in middle class suburban Japan with an wholesome, middle-class, suburbanite, all-Japanese family with conservative values; a teenage bubble head who danced to pop, talked about boys, looked up to someone like Misa and whose key worries (or so he had always thought) were about her weight and grades, of which her esteem had always been low.
L was a child born in the eighties, raised in poverty, violence, inconsistent love and in a multitude of different languages; a compulsive junk food eater, careless over his appearance, an insomniac and severely socially retarded.
Regarded as two separate entities their present personalities and pasts were in sync. But together they were mismatched.
Think Light, think.
Both had endured great difficulties at a young age; Sayu with the bullying and L with the simultaneous meltdown of his community and family. Both had been isolated from their families in terms of communication.
Thousands will die, Light…Thousands…
He frowned and pushed that nasty thought away. He would deal with the implications of murdering Raye Penpar and Naomi Misora later. He had to process everything in order.
So, L and Sayu both suffered due to lack of communication. Why was there a lack of communication?
Well, both of them were reticent; Sayu kept the bullying a secret and L became essentially catatonic. But then…Sayu was only around nine years old when he had seen her suffering. He could not know L's age but it was clear that he had been very young himself, even younger than nine. And one of the things Light knew about child psychology was that children did not discuss their problems. They did not vocalise distress the same way teenagers and adults did. When children were being abused, it usually took an adult to recognise the signs that something was wrong with the child often through the games they played, unusual behaviour or pictures they drew.
Besides, who could they have told?
L had no one, his brothers had been too busy warring with each other and his mother had sunk into depravity and depression.
Then Sayu already felt like a failure. Her marks were not as good, she was not as attractive as Light. So he could understand that the last thing she would want to do is complain about school. Light pondered deeper. Going through his memories of the girl, it seemed that the most praise she received from adults was her jubilance and sweetness; something Light never was, despite his various charms. The dark side of her life would have tainted her cheerful demeanour. There was the possibility that Sayu had been lying to herself about the severity of the bullying. If being pleasant was all she felt worthy over, then she would cling to that lie to the point of self destruction. It was even possible that the Yagami family would not have taken her claims of bullying seriously because she was so happy. It had never occurred to Light that she had any suffering in her life, never mind being cut by some psycho ex-stalker of his.
The more he cogitated on her situation, the more he (regretfully) saw how the situation was tied into his behaviour. Light knew that he had flirted with those girls; he had led so many to believe they actually had a chance of a relationship with him. He had done this partially as an experiment to see how much power he could yield over the 'fairer' sex, and then later, when his confidence was solidified in his ego, he had led these girls along because it kept him popular and loved. Like with Misa, he could have those girls do anything for him. But all that time, thinking he were so clever, he had never thought that in their anger and bitterness, they would turn against the closest thing to him without actually being him- Sayu his sister.
Then there had been his own flippancy. Light was exceedingly observant, but, (he thought with a wince of pain, his ego being stung so,) he only seemed observant in things that suited him and his world view.
What point was that?
He had not noticed Sayu's dislike of school, her injuries, her bad homework despite, he realised, her never coming across as stupid on a daily basis in their regular activities.
Light sat up in bed, the quilt falling off him and pooling around his waist. His head hung low. His chest felt like it was stinging. He could not stop a grimace settling on his features. He felt…bad. She was his sister.
He had held women in general in disregard for so long as unreasonable and silly creatures that, at some point, the two women that had always loved him unconditionally now came under his disdain as well. He wiped his hand over his face.
Was he misogynistic? Possibly? Before Light always believed that his opinion on women was based on unbiased study. For many years he knew them as flappable and unreliable. That is why he had not rejected Misa and her behaviour, he assumed that all girls were like that. It was, to his mind, a fact. But now, with this revelation of a female he not only lived with but had known all his life, maybe he did not know nearly enough about females. It was not pleasant to think that he may be prejudiced. How could he be Kira when he was prejudiced? Surely it threw his judging capabilities into disrepute.
He never knew some of the girls he had attracted were that violent and dangerous. He never would have known Sayu was so strong willed- to go back to that school day after day after day? With all of that??
Was it still happening?
Light knew the studies; young victims of frequent bullying often remained victims all their lives. It was learnt behaviour, they believed themselves to be nothing but punching bags to whoever was stronger and meaner than themselves; which, having low self esteem, was anyone who was willing to take advantage of them. So Sayu may still be fighting off bullies, even though he was no longer in school. It may have become to norm for Sayu to be the one they teased and hurt.
"But then," he thought staring out the window once more, "she must be suffering. The spirit said she paid for my crimes and that one day, she would snap." It made sense, he could not believe she had lasted so long already.
Putting the situations together, it would be sensible to assume that due to his being Kira, Sayu would suffer in some terrible way in the future.
"Sayu has been very strong all her life. A long suffering strength you have never needed to posses, but I swear one day she will have your punishment and it will break her. Break her irretrievably."
"But," he argued internally. "But now that I am aware of her, surely I'll be able to protect her from now on?"
"I'll make sure that will not happen!"
"Because you are God, right?"
But then, had not Higuchi received this treatment from the spirit world, rejected their warnings, and then failed as they predicted?
"I laughed and scoffed and thought myself too clever and too powerful..
Redemption is not a right, it is a gift. And I disregarded it! Fool! Damned fool!"
"Well," said the red-eyed Thought that lived inside his mind, "he was an idiot. Surely you can change the future? You're practically a God. He wanted to be King of his little pile of dirt. You will rule the world. You're a Messiah."
"In your conceit and arrogance, are single-handedly destroying the future of man,"
"I'm not going to destroy anything," he muttered through gritted teeth. "I just need a plan of action. I'll make sure Sayu is always supervised. I'll tell dad and the team that I'm worried about her and retaliations from Kira. That'll be enough to have them sending over protection for everyone's families.
But what if this goes on for years? I've had a main plan for Kira, but I have not ironed out all the intricate problems. It may be a long time before I immerge fully as Kira and ruler. It would be unfeasible to have her babysat for that long.
But then again, how is she in danger if L is dead? After all, if her breakdown is due to me being Kira, then it means that someone anti-kira must hurt her. Apart from L there is no-one powerful enough to get passed me.
I need more information before a full plan can be committed to. I have Present coming soon," he glanced at the side table clock which read 11:50 pm in red flashing light. Hadn't it been midnight when Past first came? No matter, this was supernatural and what the Death Note and Ryuuk had taught him was that otherworld spirits did not have to obey the same rules as humanity. "After Present, Future will arrive. I'll likely see, or at least receive a clue, of any future competition now." He smirked. "Then tomorrow, as soon as L and Watari are gone, the future enemies will be too."
Relaxing a little, he went and put on some trousers. He had spent all of his time so far in his pyjamas and even though he was sure the spirits did not care what he wore (if they even noticed) but there was something embarrassing about parading around undressed.
He would spoil Sayu from now on and let his mother and the teachers know about the bullying. He'll say he noticed her injuries a few weeks back and wanted her secretly monitored by the adults at school.
Now, the unfortunate issue of the Penbar and Misora situation.
Light temporarily slowed in changing his shirt. That had been an… uncomfortable discovery. Light could not deny that, thanks to him, lot of future lives were doomed to be short and painful. All those children and babies with heart conditions…all the advances in medicine that girl would have made…
No matter how hard he thought, he simply could not justify it.
"I could have put them in an accident, wiping their memories and have them die thirty years later, never really knowing who they were or who I was." After all, was their immediate deaths necessary? Especially with his revealing his identity to them, mocking them in their final moments?
Light froze. "Why did I do that? It was so…ungodly. It was just…petty." He it his lip.
"It was punishment!" Raged the angry Thought inside of him. "They went against God!" Normally Light would accept this argument, but now he knew that the image of the girl who never was, disappearing into the moonlight, would forever haunt his mind. Already it was twisting his memories of Penbars and Misora's deaths. Before he always elated their demises with his feelings of euphoria, relief and justification. Now he remembered their faces; the look of horror, disgust and disappointment. In particular with Misora there was that…sadness.
That deep sadness that he once attributed to her losing, but since visiting L's past he recognised it as a deeper sorrow. Was it the fact she had lost her family? Had she perhaps guessed at her pregnancy? Or had she hoped? She was engaged to Penbar after all? He'd done more than kill her, he had destroyed her hopes and her future. It was hardly something a just God would have done. It certainly had not gained him any favours with L or the team. It had…revealed him? But revealed him as what?
"No matter!" Yelled the Inner Thought. "If you are not going to delete every Kira denier then what are you going to do? You can't wipe all their memories. Most of them will probably still attack you! What about the ones that will attack Sayu? Will you have mercy on them until they actually hurt her? Maybe that's how Sayu gets hurt in the first place; because you become weak on evil doers!"
But then , the killing of Misora meant that thousands in the future have already been given a death sentence.
"The ends justify the means. Yes thousands will die, but only for the sake of all humanity!"
"That's correct." Light said aloud, peering into his mirror and speaking to his reflection. "After all is said and done, the basic fact is its all humanity versus maybe some thousands. it's a hard decision but one that needs to be met." He placed his hand on the smooth, cold surface. "It's a decision I have the power to make. It would be weak and irresponsible to do nothing and let evil continue as it always has."
Just then a loud smashing sound erupted downstairs from the kitchen.