Screwtape After the Train Wreck
Author's Note: This letter was penned just after the events of The Last Battle
My Dear Brank,
I just thought that I'd write you and check on your progress—but only because I care about you so much. You know I care about you, don't you Brank? Say, guess where I'm headed just now? I'm on my way to one of those glorious feasts that we have down here when one of our buffoons blows his assignment—failure taste particularly good down here, you know that, right? Of course, you don't. You've never had the opportunity to join one of these feasts. Our Father Below only invites those of us who have proven that they can deliver the goods, not inept worthless fools, like yourself.
But Brank, did you know that today's feast is particularly delicious because we'll be dining on more than just one failure. Today we have seven of your dumbest cohorts to make a hearty meal of. I must say, seven at one time is a pretty nice haul, don't you think? Of course, it's a shame, that it's not seven Human souls, but, we have to take what we're given down here, right? Of course, we do. Say, I'm sure that you're aware of this feast because these seven failures that we'll be dining on are the colleagues who you've worked closely with over the last few years.
What's that? You want to come and join in the fun? Well, you can't, you inept little fool, you still have a job to do. Your patient is still alive, you nitwit. I mean really, Brank, how could you want to come down here and party when you're still on the job? I can't even begin to say how disappointed I am that you'd rather party than work for Our Father Below. Of course, I really didn't expect anything different from you. You're such an imbecile
But, I digress. I'm really writing you because I care about you so much and I know that a dumb moron like you is going to need some of my great advice. Well, listen up, you worthless fool, because this is important. Do you remember what I wrote to you all those years ago when the Enemy began taking your patient and her family and friends off to some other place and teaching them about Himself? Do you remember that I said that there would be a day when you had pulled your patient away from Him so far that you would come into conflict with Him? Well, that time is now, Brank, so watch your step.
Never forget that your little varmint is in His camp. Oh sure, she seems to have forgotten her rank—He made her a Queen, after all, didn't He?-but she's still a part of His camp and He won't just stand there and do nothing when one of His own is pulled away from Him. That's one thing that I can't stand about Enemy.
What's that? Did you just say that everything is okay because your little varmint is crying and screaming? Did you just say that she'll probably never speak to the Enemy again because she's really upset with Him? Oh, Father Below, are you ever stupid! I hear her crying and screaming too, you idiot. I hear her crying out for the Enemy. I mean really, how did you get to be so dumb? This is the worst possible situation. I can't believe you let this happen. Don't you realize that the Enemy will respond to your little varmint's cries? Of course, you don't, you're a worthless moron. Well, let me just tell you-this is the sort of thing that the Enemy likes best. Didn't you know that the Enemy and all those who work for Him cheer the loudest when one of their own comes back into His fold? Didn't you know that?
Yes, Brank, you worthless louse, the Enemy will certainly come to your little varmint now that she has called for Him. He will comfort her and remind her who she is and tell her that she will see her family again. He did that back in my days, you know? Back then there were these two Females who were a part of the His camp and when their brother died the Enemy came and comforted them. I have no doubt that He's comforting your little varmint right now too—that's what He does, after all. It's really sickening. The worst part of the story is that after the Enemy comforted the two Females, He took it a step further and actually raised the dead Male back to life. What a jerk.
What did you just say? Did you really just tell me that after all the denying your little varmint has done, there's no way the Enemy would take her back? Did you really just tell me that? Well, Brank, this confirms something that I've known all along about you. Do you know what that is? Of course, you don't. It proves that you're an idiot! I mean really, how could you have stayed on the job so long if you don't know how willing the Enemy is to forgive someone that we've managed to distract for a while?
Let me illustrate my point with a little story. This happened while I was on earth tempting. In fact, it began on the very night of our greatest success—when we convinced the little vermin to crucify the Enemy. And, of course, I'm sure that you know what happened three days later, so I don't see any reason to go into that.
But, I digress. On the particular night in question, we got one of the Enemy's closest friends to deny that he knew Him. In fact, we got him to do it three times. It was a really spectacular stoke for us. Can you imagine it, Brank? Probably not. After all, you're pretty stupid. Besides, you wouldn't be neglecting your patient so much in her current situation if you knew this story.
See, after the Enemy—and I'm sure you realize how much this pains me to say this—but after the Enemy was raised from the dead, He sought out this particular friend of His and He reinstated him back into His fold. Can you fathom what kind of love the Enemy possesses that makes it possible for Him to forgive someone like that? Well, let me tell you, Brank, the Enemy is the same today as He was back then, so keep on your toes and stay alert. There can be no rest for you, so you'd better not be weary.
Oh, did I mention that the Enemy's friend ended up becoming the rock on which the Enemy build His camp? Did I mention that? Well, the point is, your little varmint could be used for something similar. You wouldn't believe how many of the Humans that we've infected have turned into the Enemy's greatest champions. What's that you were going to say? You weren't about to list their names were you? Well, I don't want to hear it, you lousy buffoon. I better not catch you even breathing names like Newton and Lewis...or any of the others. Well now, I'm definitely going to report you. I mean really, where would we be if Our Father Below didn't have great demons like me helping worthless imbeciles like you?
Well, I've spent enough time trying to fix the train wreck that you've created. I've got to get to that feast—Our Father Below doesn't like it when someone is late for a feast, and well, I have my reputation to protect, now don't I? Try not to let the glorious fumes of withering tortured failures distract you—oh, by the way, I can't wait till we get to eat you too.
You're very hungry Uncle,
Author's Note: Bible verses: John 11:1-44; 18: 15-18, 25-27; 21:15-17; Heb. 13:8.