am i happy?
The universe contains myriad stars. they shine bright. an existence worthy of being called the first love of the people who gaze upon it. their light has a gentle way of calming people. these stars brighten up the worlds of people who wander in the suffocating darkness. but here i am, lights completely out, exhausted on the bed with arms hanging down. can you call this darkness? i suppose so. the darkness eating away at my heart seems to be heavier than the darkness of the quiet room and the stars outside can’t hide away this numbness.
my head is buried under the pillow. ‘don’t disturb me’ i pray. As if on cue, the footsteps traced back towards its origin and once again i was left to tend to my foolish train-wreck of thoughts.
I close my eyes. an evident attempt to escape my mind. but my mind is my own and who else can receive the words of it, if not me?
Am I happy?
i take my head out from under the pillow and sigh. I don’t want to answer this again.
Sloppily heading towards the switch on the wall, i turn the lights on and my eyes for a second turns blind to the brightness. I waddle back to my bed and lie down, my eyes have finally adjusted to the lighting.
Am I happy?
I grunt under my breath. How weird is it that the last thing you want to think of, is always the first thing on your mind? Slipping under the sheets, i cover my head up and try to fall asleep with one question ringing softly against my ears,
Am I happy?
I didn’t try to answer but the answer however, was stuck in the back of my head.
“Kim Taehyung?” A person called out and i diverted my attention to the person. “Mr. Inso is calling you to the staffroom.” I nodded amidst the loud thumping of my heart against my chest and the nerves of being stared at by people making me uncomfortable. “Hey, Taehyung. Did you do something?” I heard a voice call behind me just as i got out of my seat. Who is this person? I stare at him, nervous. “Haha, Taehyung wouldn’t do anything underhanded. Lets go Taehyung.” I nodded and followed him but my mind was full of what he said a while ago.
Taehyung wouldn’t do anything underhanded
How can you, a complete stranger be so sure about that?
“I’m Kim Namjoon.” He said and I nodded, “Boy, you sure are timid despite how you look.” Namjoon commented as he folded his arms behind his head. “You should break those walls a little, you know, like me. I’m sure you got some pretty smile there yourself” He might’ve smiled when he said that. I don’t know. He might have. I wish he did. I found myself smiling slightly. “You know you can relax a little when you’re with me. We’re friends anyway.” Happiness. I don’t really know what it feels like anymore. Maybe it feels like the sun shining on a cold and rainy day. Maybe it felt like chomping on ice on a hot summer day. Maybe it felt like being called a friend by someone.
“T-thank you.” I stuttered out and tried to peek a glance at Namjoon. Maybe this was the first time i was seeing his face. He had a sunkissed complexion and a similar hair color. He looked kind and he spoke kindly. But what caught my eye was his smile. A kind and genuine smile.
But suddenly my mind was swarmed by a plethora of warning signals and red flags. Buzzing sirens and long lines of caution tapes flew around my head but I knew. I knew the truth. If he knew what I had done, he wouldn’t be flashing me that kind smile too easily. Its better to not get too close because people are only ever double edged swords pointing at you and if you embrace them, it’ll only kill you.
The ringing was loud and prominent now.Am I happy?
How preposterous of me to ask that to myself. I didn’t have to answer that at all because all along the answer was stamped on my body as if I was showcasing it.