Dead leaves. taekook

Men, lose yourselves!

We have made uncountable mistakes and die without a trace but our memories are alive. They comfort us, they burn us and these memories are what makes us ourselves.

They are a part of you and when you lose a memory, a precious part of you is lost forever. The countless meteors shooting past embellishing the skyline would be another part of me, reflected in my eyes and forever locked in my memory.

How beautiful.

The sky was calling me. Beautifully spreading its arms, wrapping me in warm and gentle radiance.

Sweet riddance.

A gentle usher towards the greener side; immaculate and alluring and the soothing lulls of a bewitching voice that probably only I could hear, ironically so.

How beautiful.

In a book that I once read, the protagonist, with a loud voice, says to his patrons ‘men, lose yourselves!’ vehemently as he spreads his wings. It was a splendid memory for me and undoubtedly stuck with me through many years.

Spread your arms and fly!

The air that hit my face had a burnt smell to it. Maybe it was the burning smell from the kitchen of a person trying their best to cook.

Kiss the sky and bid it goodbye!

The skyline was captivating. Birds flew around the sky, singing their songs. I stood on my toes with closed eyes but a vivid memory of the scenery danced before me and I was exhilarated.

Men, lose yourselves! For the sky is not our limit!

Spread your wings and fly!

I flew.

The city’s candescent glow was enrapturing. A beautiful memory that would surely be alive even as decades passed by.

My own little world of vivid remembrance, an echo I couldn’t hear and an evocation that was a reminder that this was freedom; the freedom that I desired.

It’s sad that life is a fleeting myth, a figment of our imagination. For life is death and everyone is born to die and this myth was beguiled by ancient sophists, poets and writers vindicating their filial belief that life was something precious, for people die only to be reborn and the others in silent acquiescence or filial piety show absolute subservience.

This was freedom

I was going to be free from this seemingly endless wretchedness. Our false system of life was perfect, each and every fable fit together like pieces of a missing puzzle and though everyone knew it was deceitful and a mix of half truths, they were happy. They were fulfilled to live this lie. But a defect like me wasn’t entirely accepted. Half of me was them, while half of me was something not-them; I was a defect and defects like me couldn’t live this lie like the ones who can.

So I flew like the protagonist in the book. Hands raised as an excuse for wings.

This should be freedom.

An escape from my life of complete monotony.

Suddenly I feel a tight hand around my wrist. I look up to see my mother, tearing up.

Why was she crying?

She yanks me up and I feel myself dropping to the floor. With tears continuously streaming down her face, she looks up and at me and opens her mouth.

She was speaking.

I raise both my hands then make a pinching gesture and look at her.

Stop

I point to myself, then bring my finger towards my nose and pull it away gently. I bring my hands towards my ear and make a ‘hearing’ gesture , point at her then pat my head twice.

I can’t hear you, mum.

She looks at me, realization finally dawning upon her that her son is deaf.

What were you trying to do? She signs.

flying I sign back and she wipes her eyes.

Don’t do it anymore, You’re the only one I have left She signs back at me, a pleading look on her face.

She brings her hand in front of her face then slowly pulls it away Please

I notice that her hands are shaking but why was she shaking?I nod mindlessly, I could humor her for now. She grabs me by my wrist and walks me to my room then tucks me in my bed before slowly patting my head.

What are you doing? I sign at her and she looks at me with teary eyes.

Jeongguk. She signs and I wait for her to finish.

I love you , you know that right? She continues and I nod mindlessly again.

‘That isn’t really an answer’ I tell myself but I decide to let it go.I could try flying next time when mum’s not around and I decide to rest for now since I was, indeed, a little tired.

a/n : Happy new year everybody!

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