Chapter 22 Steps Forward Step Backwards
The day that Arizona had feared was finally here. Callie had to go back to work. She knew that the brunette eventually had to go back but she couldn't help feeling scared and anxious about it, she just hoped that Callie didn't sense it, but Callie was no fool.
"You have my cell phone number, my office number and the number to my pager. If there is anything you need don't hesitate to use them, okay? I just want you to be comfortable and relaxed. I'll be back home before you know it, sweetie."
Arizona followed Callie to the door and tried not to fidget too much from nerves. "I'll be fine. Go and work your magic."
Callie kissed her quickly on the lips and then on the cheek. "I know you'll be fine, sweetie. I just worry but I'll try not to."
Arizona stood on her toes and pecked Callie on the cheek. "I'll see you later. Have a good day and don't work too hard."
With Callie being gone and out the door, Arizona tried to keep busy. She cleaned up after their breakfast, hoovered and dusted the whole apartment and then it was almost lunchtime. After eating a chicken sandwich she started to feel a bit anxious cause she was running out of things to do to distract herself. It was thirty minutes later when she decided to try and go outside by herself. The park where they had had their picnic in the other day would be a perfect destination. Not too far but not too close either. She wanted to see if she could do it on her own, like a test of some sort to see wha she was capable of.
There was a chill in the air as the wind swept through her locks. Mostly cloudy but a good few sunny spells here and there, warming up her bones before another gust did it's work. The park was again buzzing with activity but not as busy as before. Probably cause most people are at work, Arizona thought as she sat down on a nearby swing. She stared moving her legs and within seconds she had worked up a good swing and she felt butterflies in her stomach as she swung forward.
It brought a smile to her face, bringing back memories from a happy childhood with her brother and friends. Herself and Tim always had competitions in swinging to see who could swing highest and jump furthest. Tim would usually win, cause he was older and had longer legs, or at least that was what Arizona use to tell herself back then. Sometimes Tim would lose but Arizona knew he would do it on purpose so she could win. She didn't know it then but looking back now it was so obvious and it made her smile.
The park was full of children playing. Arizona soon realized that there was a daycare centre close by and were using the park as their playground. Suddenly she heard a beeping noise and she looked around trying to make out where it had come from. She felt stupid when she realized it was her phone Callie had bought for her that day at the mall.
Swiping acrossbthe screen she read the text message that Callie had just sent. 'Hi beautiful. I hope you are doing okay, sweetie. Just remember what I told you about using my numbers if there's anything you need. I'll always make time for you. Hopefully I'll be finished on time. Should be home around six. See you then, sweetcheeks.'
Arizona smiled at the 'sweetcheeks' comment and looked around to see if anyone was close enough to see her grinning at her phone. That would look a bit stupid, she thought. She touched the reply button and wrote; 'Hi there tall, dark and gorgeous. Don't worry so much, I'm fine. Hope your day is not too stressful. Im looking forward to seeing you later.'
She put her phone back into her pocket and inhaled deeply, feeling the crispy air cleanse her lungs. The kids had now gone back into their building and the park turned almost quiet, only a few teenagers playing soccer could be heard, clearly skipping classes, and a few younger kids with their parents were still playing. It was time to head back, she thought.
She felt proud of herself for coming out here all on her own and hadn't freaked out or had a minor meltdown. It was progress and by taking small steps, bit by bit, she would eventally get more confident and believe in herself that she could set the bar a little higher and then take another step. Today had been a good day and she felt a sense of peace within herself.
When she arrived back at the apartment, it was almost four o'clock and she got slightly restless again. She had about two hours to kill before Callie came home so she decided to take a long bath and try to relax. Since she only had a shower in her bedroom she had to use Callie's. While the water was running she looked around for bubbles to put in. She had always liked bubbles in her bath and hopefully with a bit of luck, so did Callie.
She found what she was looking for at the bottom shelve under the sink but pulling it out, something else caught her eye. It was a purple object and when she looked closer she realized that it was a vibrator. Blushing furiously she slowly pulled it out from it's hiding place and studied it. There was two bottons on the side, an on and off button and a power button. Curiously she turned it on and almost dropped it when the powerful object started to vibrate. Quickly she turned it off and thouht about putting it back where it belonged, when she changed her mind.
Looking more closely at it she could see that it was waterproof. No I can't, she thought. I shouldn't! But the curiosity got the better of her. She slid into the bath and held the purple vibrator in her hands, feeling it, touching it, looking at it with intense eyes. She never had one of her own and had never even tried a vibrator before. She slid her hands down between her legs and positioned it where she wanted it and turned it on. The vibrations were strong and fast, very powerful. Closing her eyes, she tried to imagine Callie's hands and tongue making her feel so good.
She could feel her own wetness starting to build up and she easily inserted a finger into her soaked opening. A few seconds later she inserted a second finger and she suddenly saw Kevin's face flash in front of her eyes. Quickly she withdrew her digits and the vibrator, curled up into a foetal position in the full tub and cried. She was mad. Mad at him for everything she had done to her, mad at herself for not being able to touch her own body without him ruining it and mad at him for taking ten years of her life that she would never get back. She was mad at him for taking away her pleasure. What if she would never be able to reach that point of cheerful bliss, the brink of the highest pleasure and finally come crashing down from the intense feeling of an orgasm. She was mad.
She didn't know how long she laid there, curled up in a tight ball, crying like a baby. She didn't even hear the front door open or Callie's footsteps or even Callie's voice echoing through the apartment, calling out her name. Not until Callie walked into her bedroom did she snapbout of her trance and at that point it was too late.
The brunette peeked her head through the bathroom door and spotted the blonde in the tub. She could see straight away that something was wrong and that Arizona was crying and shivering.
"Arizona, baby. What's wrong?" As she walked up to the tub she grabbed a towel hanging on the railing by the door. She took a quick glance at the scene before her and saw the vibrator floating on the surface, the crying woman and the shivering form. She acted quickly. Holding out the towel for Arizona she got her to stand up and wrapped it around her body in an instant, wanting to spare the blonde any embarrassment of having Callie seeing her naked. As she touched the chilled wet skin she gasped.
"Jesus sweetie, you're freezing. How long were you laying in cold water?" She didn't really expect a response so she easily picked her up and carried her to her bed and wrapped her up in the duvet. "I'll be right back, okay." Callie went back into the bathroom, pulled out the plug so the water could drain, placed the vibrator back in it's place and grabbed a second towel on her way out.
Arizona was still shivering when she got back. She sat down next to her and started to towel dry the damp tresses, hoping it would warm her up quicker. She didn't know what exactly had happened but she had an idea. She also didn't want to ask Arizona about it, knowing she would be too embarrassed and ashamed to talk but she needed to know what had happened.
When Callie finished drying her hair she got in under the covers and held her tight, feeling relieved when Arizona's skin was no longer as cold as before. She brought the blonde as close as she possibly could, wanting her to feel the warmth from her own body. The only barrier between the two was a damp towel and underneath was a very naked Arizona. Callie kissed her temple and brushed slightly damp hair away from her face.
"You wanna tell me what happened in there, honey? What made you so upset? Do you think you can tell me?" She hated the thought of bringing more embarrassment to the blonde even though Callie knew she had nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. She waited patiently for a response while continuously stroking her hair.
"I... I wanted to... take a bath to relax and I... I... was looking for bubbles and I... I saw... I... I saw..." Callie's heart broke as she listened to the stuttering words and knew that the word Arizona was struggling to say was 'vibrator' and it made her angry and sad at the same time. Arizona couldn't even say the word. Maybe she was too ashamed to say it or maybe for some reason she was afraid to say it. All Callie knew was that Kevin played a big role in Arizona's behaviour and reactions.
The blonde burried her face in the crook of Callie's neck, feeling absolutely mortified. She struggled to speak, "I saw it and I just... I just... I wanted to see if I could... you know... use it, but it... I couldn't and I saw him and I couldn't... I just couldn't. Im sorry, I'm so so sorry. I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have taken it but I... I... I just..."
"Shhhh, baby. Slow down, It's okay. It's okay, sweetie. You're okay." She started to rock them both in a soothing motion, wanting nothing more than to take some of the pain and hurt away, nothing else mattered but that right now. "You have nothing to be sorry for and you have nothing to be ashamed of." She paused and again kissed the nearby temple. "Arizona, what you just did is perfectly normal. It's okay to pleasure yourself and to make you feel good and you should never be embarrassed about doing so. Maybe it's just a bit too soon or maybe you're just not ready to go there yet and that's perfectly fine, sweetheart. Please, don't be embarrassed, baby."
Arizona heard every word Callie said but the feeling of shame and disgust just wouldn't leave. She cried silently into warm olive skin. "But I wanted to. I really wanted to... you know... try but I just couldn't finish it because of him and I... I... what if I never can..."
Callie quickly interrupted her, not wanting Arizona to have such negative thoughts. "Stop it, honey. Of course you can. It might just take some time for you to reach an orgasm but that doesn't mean that you're any less of a woman or any less human." She pulled away to look into blue teary eyes. Arizona's face was flushed, both from embarrassment and from crying. "You took a step forward and it didn't turn out the way you thought it would but that's okay, you just have to keep on trying and you're more than welcome to use it any time you want or need to. That's what it's there for." She said with a comforting smile. "Please, don't be embarrassed."
Callie leaned in to rest her forehead against Arizona's. Their lips met in a soft and lovingly kiss and the brunette could taste the saltiness from her tears. When they eventually broke the kiss, Arizona once again burried her face in Callie's neck. "I thought of you when I... you know... when I used it."
Callie felt her heart warm and her chest to swell with emotions to what Arizona had just revealed. "Did it help?"
The blonde sniffled and wiped her face with the back of her hand. "At first it did but after awhile... all I could see was... him, hovering over me, pushing... into me and hurting me. I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't go there."
The tears started to flow freely again and Callie kissed them away. "It's okay, baby. Im glad that I could be somewhat of a help to you and I'm sorry for the hurt and pain he has caused you. I would never hurt you, Arizona and I would, never in a million years, force myself on you, or any other woman for that matter. Im honoured and proud of what you just told me, and even though I physically wasn't here, I'm glad that your thought of me, helped you."