I could feel it again. That feeling when everything that was light somehow turns dark before I can adapt to it. I looked to my left shamefully, glancing at the man lying next to me. He had an arm thrown over his eyes and his blonde hair was ruffled. I cursed myself for getting so drunk.
I quickly scanned the room for my dress, which wasn't easy considering the entire floor of the bedroom was covered in clothes. Slipping out from the bed as gracefully as possible without waking the Guy up, I tucked my hair behind my ears and filtered through all the shit around me. My bra was easy to find; that was hanging off a lamp. My dress took some searching for but my underwear is what seemed to be MIA. I briefly thought about just saying 'fuck it' and leaving them behind, but they were my favorite red lace panties.
After looking for a good five minutes I spotted them…under Guy's pillow. I winced, my hand slowly reaching out to grab the edge of them, using my thumb and forefinger. I pulled it slowly, before snatching my purse and my heels from the floor and rushing out.
I sighed in relief of not having to confront the mess I created for myself, and quickly dressed before leaving the small apartment. When I stepped out into the harsh light of day, I had to cover my eyes from the brightness. I took a moment to collect myself; fixing my hair so it wasn't a mess, readjusting my crooked dress, and slipping on fold away flats. Thank God I packed them in my purse or I'd be walking seven blocks in 6 inch stilettos. Of course I did it coming here from the club with Guy last night, but I was too drunk to care at that point.
I made it about four blocks before I heard a familiar voice from the truck stopped at the red light beside me. "Elena?"
I looked at him shocked. "Matt…" I really didn't know what else to say. "Hey." That was lame.
He stared at me looking hurt and confused. "Where did you go last night, I was looking everywhere for you. Get in." he offered, reaching over to unlock the door.
I winced and shook my head a little. "I don't think that's a good idea."
"Look, this isn't working out." He just stared blankly at me like I just killed a puppy.
I was saved from this incredibly awkward moment by the sound of several car horns. The light had turned green and the people behind him were getting frustrated.
He took one last look at me; His blue eyes were dejected as he shook his head. I watched as he drove away, stunned by my words. I sighed and continued my trek. Matt was great, but I wasn't looking for anything serious. I hadn't been serious about anyone since high school, and I didn't think I ever would be again. It just wasn't in the cards for me.
I thought back to last night and my foul actions. Mat and I drove to the club together to celebrate the end of classes. After a long year, college was finally out for summer break. We spent about an hour and a half doing shots up at the bar before I disappeared to the dance floor. I managed to lose him for another four hours while I danced with Guy; fuck I wish I could remember his name! I could see Matt looking around for me as I ducked out, giggling as I clung to Guy's arm.
I know I probably broke Matt's little heart, but the last thing I wanted to do was let him fall in love with me. I wasn't capable anymore. There was an emptiness inside me that clouded everything that I was, until whatever was white turned grey.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart.