A living Nightmare
Two moons after Robinstar became leader, five moons since Brokenclan came together, an eternity of pain for Robinstar. Living without his reason for living, without his light, his shining star, his Brokenwing.
Days filled with happy purrs and reassuring nods as Robinstar guides his clan through their early days as Warriors. Nights filled with muffled screams and cries as nightmares of the terrible day Robinstar lost his one love tormented him.
The walls of his den are covered in thin lines where Robinstar has attacked them in his sleep, defending himself against imaginary threats that only really existed on that day. Herbs don't help, crying doesn't help, nothing helps. Robinstar is alone with the nightmares and his pain.
"Brokenwing!" he sobs as he wakes from yet another horrible dream filled with Brokenwing's dying breath and Snowstar's icy blue eyes. Robinstar shakes as he tries to overcome the heart stopping fear he felt at the sight of Brokenwing's father as his daughter lost the fight for her life.
"Brokenwing! Brokenwing!" wailing her name doesn't make him feel better and it won't bring her back to him, but Robinstar doesn't know what else to do because there is nothing else he can do.
She's gone! Oh Starclan she's gone! Come back Brokenwing! Please! Robinstar gasped for air in between sobs, his chest heaved and everything he saw was fuzzy.
He wanted it to be over, he wanted to join his love in Starclan, but he was a leader with nine lives and his time on this earth was far from over.
No cat dared to come and try to comfort Robinstar usually, they knew that Robinstar did not like his Warrior's to see him at his worst. Falling apart at the seams, sobbing and writhing in his nest. That was not what a clan leader should look like to his clan.
Robinstar sniffed and curled up tightly in his nest when he could finally breathe again. He had never wanted to be Brokenclan's leader, that was always what Brokenwing had wanted most.
He had promised though, he had promised Brokenwing and he would not break his last promise to her.
That day as he stood by her body with his heart neatly sliced in two and his legs trembling in shock. He had leant down and made a promise. Not out loud but in his heart. He wouldn't be able to tell it to her until he joined Starclan but he meant every word.
Brokenwing, you know I never wanted to lead Brokenclan. That was always your dream, not mine. I tried, Starclan knows I tried so hard to let you fulfill your dream and to protect you as best I could, but even that didn't save you.
I will lead our clan my love, I will be the leader our clan needs and I will make you proud. Tears streamed down his face as Robin turned away from Brokenwing and set off to become Brokenclan's first leader.
Knowing he couldn't break his promise Robinstar tried to stay strong for his clan as they grieved for Brokenwing alongside him and tried to help him in their own ways. Still nothing they did could ease his pain, nothing could quench the burning grief that threatened to overwhelm him.
"I'm sorry Brokenwing, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." Robinstar drifted off to sleep, his leafy green eyes closing swiftly. Missing the ghostly outline of his lost mate that appeared beside him and soothed him with her familiar purr.
"No Robin, I'm the one who should be sorry" the pure white she-cat whispered to the sleeping bundle of dark ginger fur who she loved more than anything in the world.
"I left you to lead Brokenclan alone, my love if I could change everything so that I was still with you I would do it in a heartbeat. I am so proud of you for keeping your promise. Sleep well and without bad dreams for tonight" it was all she could give him. One night of peaceful sleep for a lifetime of grief that he would have to live without her.