04. Love and War
“Please have a seat...” Dr. Kim gestures to the small sitting area in his office when he notices you and Hoseok lingering by the door awkwardly. You two have been standing there for a while and it’s starting to make your counselor a little uncomfortable.
In truth, this is the last place in the world any of you want to be right now. Honestly, even Hell seems like a better place than this.
Hoseok would rather be stuck in bed, twisted in a cozy, silk comforter that’s soft to the touch. Namjoon would rather be in an old library somewhere getting lost in between the lines of a dusty book. And you? You would rather be putting a knife in Jeon Jungkook’s back right about now, twisting it nice and slow to relish in his sweet cries of pain.
Yep, you’re in counseling for a reason...
Despite what all of you would rather be doing with your time, you’re all stuck in the confines of this office, imprisoned by four bland white walls. None of you are going to get what you want today, but life isn’t always about doing what you want. Sometimes it’s about doing what you need to in order to survive another day.
And for you... that means getting counseled by a man you slept with only a few weeks prior. The same man who once had you screaming intimately underneath the weight of his lean body now has you shivering beneath his smoldering gaze. The coldness in his stare is so thick you can practically feel a chill in the air around you. It’s so frigid and calculating... like he’s anticipating your reaction.
You want to look away, deny him the satisfaction of getting to you, but something keeps you trapped underneath Namjoon’s scrutiny. You’re stuck like a magnet on a refrigerator, your attraction betrays you. You can’t look away. He’s so breathtakingly beautiful with his sharp eyes and golden sun kissed skin, but the way he’s staring at you makes him seem a little uncomfortable. His hostile expression is the only thing that distracts from his beauty. If he was smiling instead, his charming looks would almost be considered unfair. He would be a knockout, but even without a smile, he’s pretty goddamn close to perfection.
No wonder you jumped at the opportunity to get in his pants so quickly. In all honesty, you practically threw yourself at him. Yes, it was mostly because you wanted to distract him from doing his job, but even you can’t deny the fact you were attracted to him the moment you set foot into his office. Every moral you possessed and every notion of right and wrong disappeared the moment you laid eyes on him. Poof! It was all gone and the only thing left was the two of you alone in his office. You didn’t feel bad about it though. It’s not like you ever really played by the rules anyways.
A faint smile tugs at your lips as a distant memory runs through your mind rapidly. Namjoon had you pushed against the window sill behind his desk, your wrists were held above your head, and your back to the cold glass. You had just revealed to him that you were deathly afraid of heights, which prompted him to push you against the window of a twelve-story building like a goddamn maniac.
The glass was thin on its own naturally, but the pressure of both of your bodies leaning against it could’ve made it crack so easily. You held your breath, licking your lips slowly, feeling fear spread from the top of your head to the tip of your toes. You were too terrified to speak, but Namjoon happily obliged by doing all of the talking for you.
“You’re okay, ____.” He reassured you softly, letting go of your arms that were above your head. Once they were rested at your sides again, he took your hands into his in a gentle motion. “There are a lot of things we should be afraid of in this world, but this isn’t one of them, okay?”
You nodded slowly, a faint smile appearing on your lips. You got the feeling he wasn’t just talking about heights. He was talking about what the two of you had going and what was starting to blossom between both of you. It wasn’t love, but it could’ve became that. If the two of you would’ve been just a little bit more careful...
Too bad the flower that grew between you didn’t live too long after blooming. It had practically been stomped on repeatedly, crushed to death, and left to shrivel up into a stale state of nothingness. Your relationship was born to die, a small spark that would burn bright for a while but fizzle out eventually, leaving nothing but darkness in its wake. Just like every other relationship you had.
“Come on, ____! Aren’t dogs supposed to listen better than that? I’ll take your ass to the pound if you don’t shape up.” Hoseok drags you toward a leather loveseat, giving you a dirty look for spacing out again. You’re not sure if it’s because he’s worried or just annoyed. If you had to guess, it’s probably the latter.
You sigh heavily, moving quickly to keep up with him. The hot pink dog collar is still in tow, making more of an impression on Namjoon than you have so far. You follow Hoseok closely, not wanting to give him the chance to pull you harder.
They would both love that to see that.
You’re the first to sit down, feeling the black leather cling to your clammy skin instantly. As much as you try hiding the fact that you’re totally nervous, your body does nothing but betray you. Sweat slips down your forehead and the slope of your nose, only being concealed by your damp bangs. Your fingers shake at your sides, so you play with the frayed holes in your jeans as a distraction. Even your breathing is a dead giveaway. You’re breathing way too hard for it to be considered natural. You’re on the edge of hyperventilating.
Hoseok seems to notice, patting you on the head softly. If it wasn’t for the dog collar around your throat, this gesture might seem sincere instead of sarcastic. It looks like he’s praising you like a fucking dog and Namjoon can’t help but stifle a deep laugh. You catch it before he tries to mask it as a cough in an attempt to remain professional.
“What’s so funny?” You speak up, glaring in his direction. If looks could kill, he would already be in the first stages of decomposition.
“Nothing.” He looks away quickly, clenching his teeth to stop a smile from forming. Seeing your indignant expression, makes his grin grow until there’s no point in trying to hide it anymore. “I’m used to hearing my female clients say their partners treat them like bitches, but I must say, this is taking it to the extreme.”
Your fingers clasp around your neck in embarrassment, undoing the buckles on the collar yourself haphazardly. Once you’re finally free from its degrading hold, you shove the stupid collar into Hoseok’s hands. You’ve quickly decided you’re never going to wear that damn thing again. It’s so childish. If Yoongi or anyone else tries to make you wear it again, you’ll kick them in the balls! Never again.
“But you look so naked without it, ____.” Hoseok’s lips tighten into a pout, his eyebrows squeezing together. You roll your eyes instead of responding, realizing that words will only encourage him to keep talking.
“Let me fix it for you.” He takes off the colorful jacket he’s wearing, letting it fall from his defined shoulders, placing it around your small frame instead. As much as you hate to admit it, his jacket is nice and warm against your skin. It’s somehow comforting and that surprises you. What else can you expect from a luxury brand?
You blame the odd sensation that overcomes you on the cold draft coming from the window Namjoon recently opened. The slight breeze brings the smell of the jacket to life and you catch the scent of Hoseok’s natural essence mixed with the earthy cologne he uses. It’s like magic. Words can’t quite describe it, but the aroma is beyond beautiful, just like the ambience surrounding Hoseok himself.
“There you go.” He leans forward slowly, to the point where you’re nearly nose to nose, reaching down to button the jacket for you. Out of respect, or maybe just because his fingers simply got tired, he stops at the button right beneath your breasts. Your breath hitches in your throat, completely stuck there. You can’t believe Hoseok just took your breath away... and not by force... “Now you’ll have a piece of me with you when I leave. You’ll never be alone, ____. Not as long as I’m here to annoy you.”
He laughs at the last part, a real genuine chuckle. It sounds like music to your ears, a sound you’re not used to hearing. You wish you could hear it again. Repeatedly. On an endless loop for hours. You’re sure you’d never get tired of it. It’s just that peaceful. You imagine it’s the sound someone might hear on their way to Heaven right when they meet the gates. This is the closest someone like you would ever get to Heaven.
“Are you okay, ____?”
Your mouth falls open as a heavy feeling spreads through your stomach at the sound of his words. You give him a faint nod, unable to keep still underneath his penetrating gaze. For some reason, you suddenly want to hide, but there’s nowhere else to go. He’s standing right in front of you, keeping you caged in, as Namjoon observes the two of you like nothing more than a bystander. He doesn’t even get out of his seat, but you wish he would do something. Anything at all.
However, Namjoon doesn’t even bother to take a breath, and the moment just seems to drag on forever. In a room of three, why does it feel like it’s only you and Hoseok here? Like there’s no one else?
“Be a good girl, yeah?” Hoseok finally breaks the silence the two of you spent the last several minutes in, giving you a second to catch your breath. When you nod, he ruffles your hair playfully. “I was joking about taking you to the pound, by the way.”
Good to know...
Why did it feel like the world stopped spinning on its axis when he spoke earlier? Everything was so still between the two of you for a moment’s timing. It’s like everything stopped except the beat of your heart, which only seemed to speed up the longer he stared at you. Even your hatred for Jungkook was temporarily forgotten. It was only a second or two, but God, did it feel so good to forget about everything that plagued your mind. You felt so light and free for the first time in forever.
“Daddy will be back later.” Hoseok teases you with a sneer, rocking back on his heels. His smug tone annihilates all the feelings you just experienced, obliterating them into nothing but what you decide was a momentary lapse in sanity. There’s no way someone like Jung Hoseok could be the one. The tight dog collar you had around your neck probably made you lose some oxygen to your head. That is the only explanation there is.
“I know it’s taboo... and some might even consider it animal cruelty...” Hoseok walks toward Namjoon, looking over his shoulder at you, handing him the leash and collar. “But she likes to be spanked on the butt when she’s bad.”
“I’m going to kill you I swear to—”
“We don’t have time for foreplay.” He cuts you off, running toward the exit like a child. “Let’s finish this conversation later! It was just starting to get interesting.”
You don’t have time to tell him off, so you focus on flipping him off instead, which you quickly regret doing when he gives you a wink and a thumbs up in response. He’s twenty-five years old—a grown man—but he behaves like a fucking child. You’re really not sure how someone like him became involved with the mafia. He’s too reckless, but maybe that’s what makes him such a valuable asset. He’s not afraid of danger because he doesn’t take time to think about his actions. The consequences are merely an afterthought to him. He never considers them until the damage is already done. He doesn’t think about his problems until it’s too late to fix them.
“That was sweet.” Namjoon looks up from his notepad, his mouth turning down at the corners, watching as Hoseok disappears down the long hallway. “Are you fucking him too?”
“Excuse me?” You freeze in place, a flush creeping across the apples of your cheeks. You knew Namjoon would have a lot to say since your last visit, but that wasn’t what you were expecting from him. Not at all.
“I know you like to make a habit of fucking his friends, so I thought I should ask.” His lip curls into a frown as he leans back in his chair, putting some distance between the two of you. You’re frozen in your seat, unable to move a single inch. However, you want nothing more than to leap across the room and shut him up before he can continue. He waits for you to reply, but your silence provides him with all he needs to know. “Does he even know why you’re going downhill? Or why you’re acting like this?”
“That’s not why I’m here, Namjoon.” You look away, your face slowly losing its color.
With every word he speaks, you wish you were further and further away from him. Why does he have to bring this up? You’re supposed to be talking about your past, not your damn sex life! It’s none of his business anymore.
“You think he doesn’t know? He does.” Namjoon continues to speak poison, each word cutting into you like a knife. Why does he have to be right? He always is. “I bet it stings, doesn’t it? Yoongi doesn’t even care that you’re fucking all his friends. You thought it would make him jealous, but he doesn’t even give one single flying fuck about—”
“Shut up!” You cut him off with a deadly glare, your voice echoing against the walls. You thought you would be talking about Jungkook and your desire for justice... not about Yoongi and your desire for him. “You’re such a fucking dick!”
“You were giving this “dick” a blow job in this very office a couple weeks ago, so I must not be too bad, huh?” He gives you a wry smirk, a mischievous inner light in his eyes. “Actually, come to think of it, you really enjoyed this dick. I mean, judging from all the times you begged for it...”
“You’re such a fucking narcissist.” You seethe uncontrollably, your fingers tightening into fists.
“Baby, you don’t even want to know the diagnosis I have for you.” He stands up from his desk, putting his pen down. “It would make a little girl like you cry.”
“You’re right! I don’t want to hear anything from you because it’s all bullshit.” You finally find the strength to stand on your own two feet, challenging him to keep going. He chooses not to, which is the first smart decision he’s made all day. “Your entire career is built on nothing but lies. You counsel criminal and murderers for God’s sake! You’ve heard murder confessions and what do you do with that information? Nothing! Nothing at all! You sit your ass behind that desk and judge people all day long for the bad choices they make! The same choices you make! And you don’t do anything about it! You won’t stop them; you just enable them! And that’s what you call helping people? You’re just as bad as they are if not worse! You’re just like the people you claim to hate! You’re a monster too!”
“What the fuck do you want me to do, ____? Please tell me!” He raises his voice to a near scream and your both thankful for the soundproofing he had installed a few months ago. It was around the same time you two first started screwing around together. It wasn’t abnormal for Yoongi to have one of his men stationed in the waiting room to eavesdrop until your session was over. The soundproofing made sure your conversations stayed private. “I might be a lot of things, but I’m not a fucking snitch. That will get you killed quicker than shit. Say what you will about me, but you know just as much as I do. Why don’t you go to the police? Maybe that’s the question you should be asking yourself.”
“You know why.” Your voice is nothing more than a whisper, but with this close proximity to you, Namjoon can hear every single word. You’re not sure when the two of you got so close, but it must have been during your screaming match. Your bodies moved to sound of your screams, a step for each word.
“Right because you’re holding out to make Jeon pay for what he did.” His tone starts off serious, but somewhere along the line, he breaks off into abrupt laughter. Instead of lightening the mood, it makes your hands tighten into fists instinctively. You can’t help but want to slap the smile right off his face. What’s so fucking funny? “Are you sure that’s why? Is that really why you won’t go to the police? Or is it because you’re madly in love with Min Yoongi?”
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were jealous.” You speak slowly, stretching out the words. “Is that what all of this about?”
“No, ____. That’s the one thing Min Yoongi and I have in common.” He leans on his desk, crossing his arms in front of him. “Neither of us are jealous when it comes to you.”
“Go to Hell.” You shake your head, at a loss for words.
“I’m already there.” He whispers coldly, gritting his teeth. “So are you.”
Namjoon has always been like this. He’s always had a way with words. With just a few hurtful sentences, he’s able to bring you to your knees. Everything he says is spot on. It’s like he can see into his client’s heads, knowing from the moment they walk in what their deepest and darkest issues are. Why does he have to know yours? It’s like he uses them against you and it works.
“Are you still obsessing over Jungkook?” Despite how it might come off, his words are a lot softer this time. He’s changing the subject, giving you some time to recover, but the damage is already done. You can’t move on from his judgement that easily.
“Are you still fucking your patients?” You respond spitefully.
“I’ll have you know I don’t make a habit of sleeping with my clients. You were the only one and it was clearly a mistake.” He lets out an exasperated breath, rubbing his temples slowly. It hasn’t even been ten minutes and you’re both already tired of each other’s company. At least neither of you have physically attacked the other one yet... “Now let’s stop talking about me and get back to you. I don’t understand why both Yoongi and yourself are putting all the blame on Jungkook. It isn’t healthy. He wasn’t the one who murdered your families.”
What isn’t healthy is murdering someone’s entire family to begin with!
“But he was the catalyst! He was the one who pushed on the domino that made all the others fall! We let him inside our house and then he let them inside!” You say with disgust thick in your voice, barely able to get the words out. As soon as they leave your mouth, you regret opening up, deciding to change the subject quickly. You weren’t even planning on taking the bait Namjoon laid out, but whenever someone mentions Jungkook’s name, something in you snaps. “And Yoongi has no one else to blame anymore except him. Jungkook’s father died before Yoongi could get his hands on him. His father might have been the one who sent out the orders to murder our families... but Jungkook...”
“Was only a child, ____.” Namjoon finishes your sentence for you. “He was five years old. His brain wasn’t even fully developed at that age for God’s sake! He was just a little boy who was doing what his parents told him to. Look around you! Do you see the world we live in? It’s not very fucking pretty. Jungkook grew up in this life, he never had any semblance of normalcy like we did, and it probably pointed his moral compass in the opposite direction. You can’t blame him for listening to his parents. It’s not helping you. It’s hurting—”
“Stop! Just stop.” You cut him off coldly, shaking your head in disbelief. “I can handle you talking down on me, but I won’t listen to you try to defend a monster. You know what’s not helping me? A shitty counselor who has no idea what this feels like! I lost everything I ever had and I’ll never get any of it back! They took everything from us and he didn’t even try to stop them. He could’ve given us a warning! We could’ve ran away! We c-c-could’ve...”
“They would’ve hunted you down for the rest of your life, and when they finally found you, they would’ve made the death your family received look like a gift. You all would’ve been tortured and tormented until you died from starvation or the wounds themselves. You would’ve spent every waking moment in pure agony.”
“So?” You stare at him blankly, your bottom lip quivering. A lone tear slides down your cheek, betraying your hardened exterior. He has finally made you crack. “All of that would’ve been worth it... even if it meant we only got a few more seconds together as a family.”
“You say that now, but if you saw your family suffering like that, even death would look like an enviable option.” He says this as if he speaks from experience, a distant look in his eyes.
Maybe he is? To be fair, you don’t know much about him. In fact, you know more about his body than his past. You were too busy shielding your own thoughts from him to realize he was doing the same to you. He never opened up to you and you never asked. Now here you are wondering what that cold look in his eyes really is. You thought it was his disdain for you, but maybe it’s his disgust for his past. Maybe the two of you have more in common than either of you think.
“I’m sorry for the way things started today...” He says quietly, taking you by surprise. His tone sounds sincere to your ears and the look in his eyes has softened quite a bit. This was the Namjoon you got used to, the one you were excited to see every week. You won’t dare say it out loud, but you missed this version of him. “None of that was helpful or necessary. It just wasted time. It’s not an excuse for my actions, but I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately here at work. Things are about to change drastically and I don’t know how to accept it. I’m scared of those changes... I’m scared of what’s going to happen...”
Namjoon, scared? Really? That’s hard for you to believe. In all the time you’ve spent with him, you can’t recall a single thing he admitted to being afraid of. In fact, he has always been quite brazen and fearless. If he really is afraid, then that can only mean one thing.
“Do any of these changes have to do with a certain someone I despise?” You arch an eyebrow, treading lightly around the subject. If you ask the wrong thing, or if you’re too specific, you won’t get the answer you want.
“All of them do.” He runs a hand through his hair, reaching for his notepad to flip through to the last page.
He jots something down messily, going over it again and again to make it clearer. He’s hesitant before he flashes the page in your direction. Namjoon is a few feet away from you, but the writing on the page is scribbled in black ink repeatedly. You’re able to make it out from where you stand and it makes the blood in your veins run ice cold. You’re too late and the scribbled words staring back at you stand as a painful reminder.
JEON JUNGKOOK TOOK THE THRONE LAST NIGHT AND HIS FIRST ACT AS KING? START A WAR.