"…Yeshua. Going so far as to get help from others to obstruct me isn't like you… Still, if that's what you intend to do; I too have something in mind… While you hide in the shadows, I will see to it that things get done my way. ...But I am content to wait... for the day when you will once again return to the stage…"
That will be some time yet though, no doubt. Though if you were to act before I am ready, before it is just time and everything has been set in motion, it would be quite problematic. Timing is everything, after all. While you may be part of this play that I cannot control, as long as I can work out how you will react, it will still work out.
You aren't ready to take responsibility yet, that much is very clear. I expect that while you will not take obvious action, you will try to work things in your favour for a time such as you choose. If either of us were to try acting before that time, we would get nowhere; so you have little choice but to allow me to continue, do you?
I wonder if you will be waiting for me when I return. No doubt you will, after all, you're still so very confused, aren't you? I wonder if I shall be able to keep you by my side? Ignoring the fact that I feelings for you, it would be very useful to keep you close by, that way I have more chance of reading you accurately.
It doesn't sound very good, thinking that way, I know, but for the continuation of the Lower Domain, I have to consider these things, kind or not. The fact of the matter is that Yeshua is essential in these proceedings, willing or not. I must do what is required of me, as the protector of this domain, regardless of my feelings towards anyone or anything.
I won't deny that it's difficult to think of him as a tool, but without him, the Eternal Circle, Zarathustra, cannot continue, so I must continue to remind myself of his role in this and just how important it is. Even so, it isn't easy for me to do this, I know you will end up getting hurt one way or other; and to be honest, I'm very much afraid that I will lose you.
Home at last. As expected, you're here; you back turned to me, but even hiding your face from me, it won't stop me reading you, I know you far too well for that. You're upset, confused, worried; you don't know what to do or where to turn. You're afraid that I'll be angry for your actions earlier, even though you should know that I'm not. You're confused because you love me and want to stay with me, but at the same time, you don't want to be here because we are both moving in different directions. Both of those explain why you're upset, it hurts you to cross me, even though you feel it's the right course of action.
I know this is hard for you Yeshua, whether you believe it or not, it is hard for me too. I don't want to hurt you; I don't want us to drift apart. But you must understand that even if you ask me to, I can't just stop this. I have to fulfil my purpose; I have to keep this realm in existence. I suppose all I can do now, is my best to comfort and reassure you. I really do hate to see you hurting, even if I don't always let you know that.
Wilhelm walked towards Yeshua, wrapping an arm around the boy's sender waist before softly kissing the side of his head. That was all the encouragement needed; he quickly turned around in the embrace and nuzzled the other man tightly. Wilhelm used his free hand to caress the other's hair gently, trying to calm him down. Once he had settled somewhat, Wilhelm moved them towards the sofa. Yeshua repositioned himself once they were sat down, keeping himself as close to the other as he could.
"Everything is okay, Yeshua, hush now." Wilhelm whispered softly.
"It isn't okay…we can't keep, but I don't…" Yeshua retorted, close to tears.
"Shh…I know. …Yeshua, we don't have to fall apart because of this. Work and, our private lives, needn't intertwine. We're both quite capable of keeping the two separate, and no one knows or needs to know. We're not the same as them; we're not bound by their laws."
"We can't just pretend that nothing is wrong!" Yeshua yelled, pulling away from Wilhelm.
"Just calm down, there's no need to act this way. Please Yeshua, just settle down and talk to me."
"There's nothing to talk about." Yeshua mumbled, leaving the room.
"You're just going to leave me? Just like that? Then what was this to you?" Wilhelm called after him, instantly regretting his words. He wasn't used to feelings like these.
"Don't you dare! You have no right to say something like that!"
"Sorry…I didn't mean…" Wilhelm let his voice trail off, not really sure what to say, though his voice was barely above a whisper, he wasn't sure Yeshua would have heard him anyway.
Wilhelm jumped slightly as a pair of arms circled his shoulders, the owner leaning over the back of the sofa. "Please Yeshua; must we really fight like this?"
"I don't understand how we could stay together, when we're working against each other…I don't like this, but I don't see any other way."
"We can keep it separate, we've already proven that. I know things couldn't stay the same as they are now, but that doesn't mean that we have to break apart…"
Yeshua sighed, removing his arms from Wilhelm, who was about to protest until Yeshua joined him on the sofa again, cuddling up to him. "No promises, but we can try. I do love you, but I have to do what I think is right, we both do."
"I know. I love you, Yeshua. That won't ever change."
"Ditto. Now let's forget all that for now. Seeing you upset just doesn't seem right."
Wilhelm laughed softly, pulling his lover into an embrace. Even though he wasn't exactly pleased with the situation, Yeshua needed reassurance, so he would ignore his own feelings for the time being, as he always did. Hiding his thoughts and feelings was something he had become exceptionally good at, something that would no doubt work in his favour during the times to come.
"What do you want to do tonight?"
"I just want to stay with you, that's all that matters."
"Curl up in front of the TV with take-away then? That's what's considered normal isn't it?"
"Take-away, maybe, I don't think either of us feels like cooking, but after that, I think, curled up in bed sounds better."
"No. I'm not risking eating that, I'll make something. You go up and get settled, I'll bring it up."
Yeshua opened his mouth to protest, so Wilhelm placed a finger on Yeshua's lips to silence him. He knew Yeshua didn't want to leave him to do everything, but his concern was unnecessary. The action showed that Wilhelm didn't mind, so Yeshua nodded and went upstairs, leaving Wilhelm to get on.
Once he had heard the bedroom door close, Wilhelm walked to the kitchen, not really sure what to make for them. Food was the last thing on his mind, but he knew they needed to eat and while he wanted to resolve the issue, he knew better than to push Yeshua too hard. For now, the best course of action for him to take, was keeping the other as happy as possible.
Eventually deciding it was too late to do much of anything, he opted for something quick and sweet, knowing Yeshua would enjoy it more than eating properly. Grabbing some ice cream, he decided to make a banana split for them both. It wasn't healthy, but at least it had some fruit, rather than just being sugar.
Once he had finished, he hesitated. For the first time he doubted himself, wondering if it would be better to let Wilhelm go. He loved Yeshua, there was no doubt of that, but that was the cause of his doubt. By having Yeshua stay with him put him in a difficult position, trapped between his feelings for Wilhelm and his feelings about the Eternal Circle.
It was only a matter of time before Yeshua became involved with others, ones who would gladly see Wilhelm dead in order to stop him. They wouldn't understand what he was doing, and wouldn't care to try. But their misunderstanding would just make his act that much easier. He knew what would come, he always did.
He didn't want to lose his lover, but eventually, Yeshua could end up losing him, so perhaps it would be better to let his lover leave now and let some distance grow between them, that way everything would be much less problematic for the other.
Sighing softly, Wilhelm pushed the thoughts aside, knowing Yeshua would worry if he kept him waiting too long, as well as the fact that the ice cream would melt. He would deal with that issue later, for now; he had promised Yeshua that he would drop it for tonight, instead, concentrating purely on their feelings. His duties could wait until morning, including the thoughts of what would be best for his lover's emotions.
Upon entering the bedroom, Yeshua gave him a concerned look, probably picking up on the aura of melancholy surrounding him. Wilhelm smiled at him reassuringly and Yeshua let it drop, his eyes lighting up when they met the ice cream in Wilhelm's hand. Wilhelm smiled at the response, quickly handing one of the bowls to his more than grateful partner.
"Really? We're having this?" Yeshua asked incredulously.
Wilhelm nodded. "I didn't really think a big meal would be good, considering the time, so I thought we could have a treat instead."
"You're so good to me. Thank you. I love you so much."
Wilhelm caressed Yeshua's cheek softly, placing a chaste kiss on his lips. "I love you too Yeshua, always. You had better eat it or it will melt."
Yeshua nodded, still smiling warmly. Wilhelm turned his eyes to the dessert, trying to ignore the growing guilt. He had never considered how it would affect Yeshua before, there had never been any problems between them, but tonight had made him realise that Yeshua was not as strong as he was. This was already hurting him a lot, and he wasn't even particularly involved in anything yet.
As much as it would hurt to let the other leave, he knew it would be unfair to keep him close for much longer, even if that did mean he might not be able to read him as well. Some things had to be done regardless. He expected that Yeshua would eventually believe Wilhelm needed stopping; that he was 'a bad person', but if that made it easier for him, then that was something Wilhelm would accept and deal with.
If it meant that to keep Yeshua happier, he had to allow the boy to come to hate him, then he would not stand in the way. Though Yeshua didn't seem to realise, everything he did was for Yeshua's well-being. He would never admit that of course, that would cause too many problems.
"What's wrong? Please don't lie to me." Yeshua asked softly.
Wilhelm paused, meeting his lover's gaze, not really sure how to respond. Seeing the worried, pleading look, he sighed, following his request. "I'm worried how much my selfishness is going to hurt you. I think I was wrong to make you stay."
Yeshua lowered his gaze and Wilhelm knew he was right. Turning away, he stood up, waiting until he was halfway out of the door before he spoke again. "My apologies, Yeshua. Good night."
That being said, Wilhelm closed the door, not giving Yeshua a chance to respond. He knew this was the only way he would be able to let the other leave him. Leaving the bowl on the side untouched, Wilhelm left, choosing to spend the night in his office. He didn't want this to happen, but he knew he had to; Yeshua wouldn't cope if he stayed. Letting him go was the kindest thing to do, but that didn't make it easy. If they spoke, they would stay together, so the only thing he could do was leave the other, no matter how much it hurt.