I did it without thinking, a rare occasion. My behavior was solicited to the utmost degree. I did not act irrationally, I was known for my lack of recklessness and calm deliberate planning of every action, word, or plan that was a representation of myself. So when my brain turned off and my body acted on its own, you could say I was utterly shocked, yet the result of the action made me the happiest I'd been in years.
Our lips meeting was like fitting two puzzle pieces together, they just worked. Her lips were tender and soft, meeting mine passionately, as if they'd been waiting for this kiss. Yet in a way they had been. In the two years apart I'd yearned to kiss her with a burning passion, eating me from the inside out. The lack of contact left me wallowing in the remnants of the man I used to be, carrying around half of a scarred, broken heart, consumed with thoughts of my lost love, a wind up toy without its key. To say that the kiss had brought me joy was an absolute understatement. Alas, it ended painfully. I didn't even realize what had happen until my head cracked against the wall, leaving me with a splitting headache and completely disoriented.
She had completely lost control, entering into a state of unsolicited rage, spitting out vicious insults and swearing like a sailor. I picked myself up off the hardwood floor, dusting off the bits of drywall that had been dislodged by the impact. She stepped dangerously closer, threateningly, if you will, letting me know exactly what she thought of me. I brushed my lips curiously with my fingers, only half listening to what she said. I knew by the tears starting to well up that the kiss had affected her similarly, even if she was too stubborn and proud to admit it. I had to be patient.
""You don't just kiss me! No! Who the fuck do you think you are? How dare you! You lost that privilege in the Church two fucking years ago! Youruined me! Do you have any idea how much I wish I'd never fucking met you? How dare you think you waltzing back into my life and expect me to pucker up! What the fuck!" It hurt. It hurt a lot. Not only did her words hurt, the rejection was clear, the fact that I'd hurt her was unforgivable in my eyes. I hated myself, and this was why. Her way of coping with my rejection was to become angry and bitter, to not let anyone pass her carefully constructed walls, guarding her from ever opening up, letting anyone in, or ever getting hurt again.
I could tell in that moment that I'd surpassed those walls, if only just for the moment. No one could slice through her guards like I could, no one got her like I did. The truly amazing part was that I had the same vulnerability with her.
Crack! I could've stopped her from smacking me. She didn't even bother putting and effort into it, she didn't expect me to block it and I didn't. I deserved a thousand more for what I'd done to my only love. The rejection hurt, but taking away her happiness, her bright future, was far worse and ten times more heartbreakingly painful. If she wasn't with me, I'd at least wanted her to be happy. Now I'd ensured that neither of those wishes would come true. I was a fool.
"I swear to fucking God, if you ever try that again I will kill you. Understand?" She screamed, tears spilling over, her face contorted with fury. She stomped up the stairs before giving me one last menacing look. I felt numbed by the rejection. I sat down slowly, unsure if it was reality or all a dream, more a nightmare really. My mind replayed the scene slowly, memorizing every detail.
My family slowly entered the room, looking worriedly at me, the wall, the stairs, then back toward me. Yeva shuffled slowly up to me, staring me down solemnly with her knowing eyes.
When she finally reached me she paused, squaring herself toward me and looking me straight in the eye. "You are a fool. You don't deserve her with the way you act. How dare you think it will be that easy, you idiot! She loves you but she is strong and independent, very stubborn and opinionated. You must earn her respect and trust once more. You destroyed her spirit and broke her heart. Don't expect much, Dimka. She will come around, but you must be diligent. Understand?" I nodded solemnly. Knowing that Yeva was right as usual.
As I trudged up the stairs to me room, I couldn't help but ponder the night, recalling every detail of the kiss, letting it lull me to sleep with its joyful wholeness it brought me.