Chapter 11
RPOV
I woke up the next morning with a pounding headache due to dehydration. My extensive sob session had left me water deprived and exhausted. I lifted myself warily out of the bed, careful not to wake Viktoria. It was early morning and dawn was just setting in. I wanted to be long gone before Dimitri woke. I had made the decision that night as I fell asleep.
Dimitri deserved a pleasant visit with his family, not spoiled by the appearance of an ex lover. Though I wasn't sure if he felt the same way about the "ex" part. He'd hurt me beyond my capacity to forgive and forget. As much as I loved him, and yes, I did admit it, I still had feelings for him after all this time, I'd never be able to trust him, to fully let my guards down. The past was just too eminent, too much had happened. I just hoped and prayed to whoever was listening that I'd get over him sooner or later, preferably sooner. I was going back to St. Petersburg, back to my team, back to the family I trusted.
I silently packed my things, hoping not to wake Viktoria. I was packing random paraphernalia when I came across a stack of photographs. They were of my life back at the Academy. Most were of Lissa and I, but a few were of Dimitri. I felt a bitter twinge hit me, thinking about my old life, the life I'd left behind. Without thinking twice, I ripped the stack in half except for two. One of Lissa and I, and one of Dimitri. I couldn't bring myself to rip them all, but I didn't need the burden of so many memories.
Tear up the photographs
But yesterday won't let go
Every day, every day, every minute
My past haunted me, pulsing into my mind every waking second. I just couldn't seem to shake the reminders. I'd see a necklace and think of the lust charm, a Halloween costume would have me remembering crazy Halloweens with Lissa, the smell of cloves would remind me of Adrian, and Lev's aftershave sent my thoughts spinning towards Dimitri. It was inescapable.
Here comes the emptiness
Just can't leave lonely alone
Every day, every day, hey hey
My team couldn't fill the void, the hole I'd made when I walked away, when I left them all to escape the pain of reality. As much as they tried to cheer me up, or get me to relax, it was futile. My heart had hardened, like ice, unable to thaw from lack of closure.
This second-chancin's really getting me down
You give and taking everything I dreamed about
It's time you let me know, let me know just let go
As I walked downstairs I realized I was leaving behind a second chance with Dimitri. I was giving up on him. Being with him was much too painful. Yet hadn't my trademark always been believing in the impossible? Hell, I'd brought back a Strigoi! When had I become so realistic? My guess was when I had my heart mercilessly broken. He took my happily ever after away from me, and now as he had let me go, I was letting him go.
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was an in-between to escape this desperate scene
Where every lie reveals the truth
Baby cause I all ever wanted
All I ever wanted was you
Dimitri had been my everything. Two years back, if you'd asked me what I truly wanted, I would've said to be Lisa's guardian and spend the rest of my life with Dimitri, without a doubt in my ignorant, little mind. Now, all I wanted was to get over him, over my dream job, over my best friend. All I wanted was to forget.
I'd rather walk alone
Don't wanna chase you around
Every day, every day, every minute
I was tired of always being in love when he wasn't. I was done pining over someone I couldn't have. I thought of him every minute of every day and I was tired. Tired of always wanting what I couldn't have. It was painful and heartbreaking. It made me a shell of the girl I once was, of the woman I wanted to be. I wanted to move on, yet the past haunted me, holding me back, keeping my caged in the chains of my memories and regrets.
I'd fall a thousand times
Before I let you drag me down
Every day, every day, hey hey
I was determined to move on. I refused to let myself get sucked into the memories. I didn't want to live in the past. I wanted to live, and staying here wasn't helping.
Your new beginning was a perfect ending
But I keep feeling
We've already been here before
It's time you let me know, let me know just let go
His new life as the Strigoi that came back became our end. He kicked me out of his life the second he came back, refusing to even see me. It was maddening and I hated him for it. Sometimes I wondered if traces of his Strigoi personality lingered still, explaining how he'd so easily distanced himself from me, breaking off our relationship with a cold snap, a clean break, just as I'm sure he planned it.
We'd already been through pretending we could work out, and I wasn't going to be the love-struck idiot who tries to force the relationship. He'd caused my heart too much grief to forget, to trust, to love. It was a viciously merciless state, wanting him desperately, needing his love, yet unable to trust in him, to return his love completely. There would always be the reminder of how he'd hurt me. I'd forgiven him for his acts as a Strigoi, but as a dhampir, he was an asshole no matter how you put it.
Tell me with so many out there
Why I always turn to you
Your goodbyes tear me down every time
And it's so easy to see that the blame is on me
As much as I hated it, Dimitri was the only one who got me. He was the only one to ever completely understand me and accept me for who I truly was. He'd seen my vulnerabilities and my weaknesses, he knew every part of me, of my soul, it scared the shit out of me, especially now.
I carried his last words with me wherever I went, lingering in the back of my mind until I was alone or sad, then pouncing, catching me off guard and dragging me back to step one, grief. He'd torn out the animation, the light, the sass, the fire when he pushed me away, he killed me, not in body, but in mind and soul. I felt like a wind up toy who's key had been stolen. Yet, I still felt the guilt for leaving so many behind. Eddie. Janine. Abe. Lissa. Christian. Mia. Their names left me guilt ridden and regretful.
As I picked up the phone, I felt a weight set onto my shoulders, it was the regret, as there was no going back now. The phone rang a few times before Lev picked up.
"Rose? What's up? Is there something wrong? Strigoi?" Lev asked, his voice becoming more and anxious as his mind jumped to disastrous conclusions.
"No, no Strigoi. I just need you to pick me up in Baia. I'll explain when you get here but I just really need to come home, back to St. Petersburg. It's... complicated. Okay?" It was a lame attempt to explain, I knew it, but Lev knew better. He knew me well enough that when I answered questions evasively, something was definitely up, as I wasn't known to beat around the bush when I had something to say.
"I'll be there in a few hours, just sit tight, find somewhere safe and sound, okay? See you soon." He said before hanging up. I could detect the concern in his voice, knowing that I'd have a lot of explaining to do. They knew about Dimitri and why I left, the entire story, but they didn't know I was still in love with him. I surrendered the mysterious story of my past after a few months to make sure they were trustworthy, but how I felt currently, that was private, something I refused to give away. As leader of the group, I had a duty, and getting all mushy gushy over some guy wasn't the way a Guardian should act. I was the only one on my team with a Promise mark, giving me superiority during hunting, and I wanted to set an example.
I started down the road, carrying my duffel bag along with me, wondering if I was making the right decision or the biggest mistake of my life. I guess I'd find out sooner or later, right? Yet as I walked farther away, I felt my stomach drop. I would most likely never see Dimitri ever again, and that was something that I'd never considered. I'd always assumed he'd chase after me when I first left, now, was I even worth the search? I felt a lone tear pave its way down my cheek. I had a feeling that it was a mistake.
All I ever wanted was you…
