To Go Back
"No matter how hard you try to forget...the past will always come back to haunt you one way or another..."
I'm not good in expressing my emotions I said.
I'm willing to take the fall in order to protect him I continued.
And yet, even though I portrayed myself as one of his friends, Ven never shed one tear for me…those tears I saw, were meant for Sora himself. And, even though I clearly accepted the fact that Ven cherishes his friends more than me, something deep within me still had a hold on me. I couldn't really describe the feeling, but…I guess that, I still kind of wished that Ven cared for me. And that feeling alone, just makes me feel frustrated, reason being, well, after that fight that we had, I know that Ven still thinks I'm a monster; if we ever happen to see each other again, he'll probably won't give me another chance; especially now since Ven knows that Sora is gone, even though this was Sora's choice to begin with. But…it's like people say, no matter what happens, even in arguments, you try to be the bigger person.
This is basically why I still helped Ven, even after the way he yelled at me, and didn't give me a chance to explain myself. I'll admit, Sora did have a point that I cared for Ven, but due to my dark personality, I almost didn't help Ven. I mean, it's not easy to do something good from the kindness of your heart; especially if you have no kindness to give, so…my incentive for what I did was not only from brotherly love, but also because of what Sora said to me. He called me a friend… no-one has ever called me something as meaningful as that.
And…from what I've learned from Ven, when you have a friend, a sense of trust is given to you. And since Sora trusted me, and still had that crazy idea of me being good from the start… I guess I couldn't let him down. I hate to admit it, but, like myself caring for Ven as a brother, Sora became not too far behind either; treating him like my second brother. I know that I've kept this silent, but now that I have finally admitted it, Sora is now gone. I have lost my one and only friend. And, I know for a fact that Ven will continue to shed more tears for Sora, wishing for his return, so now, it makes me wonder. What about me? Will Ven eventually cry for me? Will he miss me like his closes friends, Terra and Aqua? Or, most importantly, will he be happy to see me if I come back?
Is…is it really worth my time to even come back at all?
Is it really worth my time to keep telling Ven that I'm trying my best to change?
Honestly, the more I thought about this, the more indecisive I was.
"Which path should I take?"
In a way, by sacrificing my own life for the sake of another, I have already proven myself of being good overall; after all, a true villain wouldn't save a person, if the word, "save," even came to mind, the act of saving would only be for the benefit of the villain, or for a selfish desire. And since what I did wasn't for that…I…I really have changed.
I...I wouldn't need to come back. Ven is safe, and can handle himself pretty well without me I'm sure. I could just...stay here in this eternal dark abyss and be….happy. If I stay here, I could finally be free from the pain that I was always bound by in the real world. No screaming, no crying, no sadness, and no problems, I can just…move on.
Hmph, I have to say, if Xehanort never influenced me in the past, I've probably wouldn't have been with him for very long. I hated him and the whole world all together. So…I pretty much would have committed suicide then instead of now. After all, it wouldn't have made much of a difference if I really did kill myself back then; no-one would have cared. No-one would have cried, no-one would have missed me. The only person in the world who actually cared for me and showed me sympathy and kindness, even though I didn't want it, that person, he was now gone. Sora is probably floating aimlessly in the darkness, some-where far from my reach. This place is so big; I highly doubt we'll ever cross paths in this place.
But anyways, I should stay here regardless. I know that Sora promised me another life, but, let's face it, even if I do go back to the real world, no-one would really want me around. I would have a solid body, which I desired at first, but now, without having a friend, everything else would be meaningless. If I go back, history will just repeat itself. Whether if I'm a shadow hidden in the dark, or a real person gazing at the cruel world, I will forever be chained to the cycle of pain I was born with. And…the only way to escape it…is to remain where I stand. Dead, gone, erased; what-ever word that ultimately fits best in this situation.
As I then started to walk deeper into the abyss, deciding to stay, some-thing suddenly captured my attention. As I slowly turned to the side to see what it was, I saw that the thing was a mirror. Well that's new; as far as I could remember, you hardly see anything in this place, let alone a mirror. Hmph, then again, this is the realm of darkness after all, it's basically a place where unusual creatures roam free, and illusions are formed to twist people's minds, almost similar to nightmares in the realm of sleep I heard about once long ago.
And, even though I shouldn't go up to the mere object, curiosity got the better of me. So, I ended up walking over, and got a closer look. And as I was standing in front of the mirror, I instantly saw my own reflection.
There it was...a similar face to Sora's, only with raven hair, amber eyes, pale skin, only with the exception of the black coat I was wearing. Overall, everything was displayed in the reflection. Though, as I looked closer at the mirror, I saw that there was something off about my reflected image. This person…this version of me…he looked…sad. Not only that, but, tears were even rolling down his face, and he didn't wipe them away.
I always hated tears, they were always a sign of weakness, back then when I had an urge to cry, and one would escape, I would instantly wipe it away; not wanting to show how I truly felt. But this, the reflection, it looked like he wasn't ashamed of crying, it gave off a sense that he wanted people to know what was wrong, that he wanted help.
As I stayed glued to the mirror, I couldn't help, but slowly raise my hand, and rest it on the surface of the glass. This person…was me…the me that I never wanted people to know. The me that felt lost….the me that felt confused….the me that felt…scared. Everything was there….everything.
Even here… the past still comes back to haunt me.
With everything coming back to me once again, I couldn't help but let a tear roll down my face.
Not only did I wish that you'd cared for me…but, I also wished that you would've felt the pain that I had."
And at this point, I couldn't take it anymore, I had to let my anger out on something, and the mirror was the only thing that I had. So, without another second, I tighten my hands into fists, and with full force, smashed the mirror in front of me. And, with no strength left, I simply collapsed to my knees; gazing at the shattered remains.
What could…what could this mean? Was this dark realm trying to torture me with its illusion, or, was it trying to show me something important?
And, as I looked around seeking answers, nothing but darkness continued to surround me. So, with giving a heavy sigh, I ended up lowering my head, gazing at the broken pieces of glass once again.
Maybe…maybe staying here isn't really the answer.
That's probably what the reflection in the mirror represented; showing me that I shouldn't stay here. I mean, even if I don't go back… the past, it would still continue to haunt me.
Honestly, being here in the dark would make me happy, but, not fully now that I've come to look at it.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but Xehanort is right. The only way for me to be truly happy…being free from this pain entirely…is for me to merge back with Ven in order to create the x-blade.
"W—wait a minute…
"The x-blade's power won't help you Vanitas, with all that power, it could possibly destroy you, let alone save you…"
"And...I don't know if you know, but, I found out that Xehanort is after Ven; he was, and probably still is planning to use him like before."
The x-blade was never the answer, it...it was Ven all along.
He was the one.
He…he was always the key to my salvation from the start, not the x-blade."
And with the sudden connection realized, I felt a new kind of rage build up inside me; making my hand form into a fist.
Xehanort...he knew it all along.
If I had reunited with Ven willingly, not overshadowing him like I did in the past, then me, then us…we could have been whole again.
But of course Xehanort couldn't let that happen, so he strayed me away on another path in order for his little plan in getting the x-blade to work; only to use it for his selfish desires. But obviously it failed.
And… the pain…the Unversed, it…it was like a cry for help.
A cry to become one with my other half once more…since in reality...I was never meant to exist…to have a life of my own…I was never meant to have a sense of self, since I'm supposed to be nothing but darkness.
I...I was never supposed to be separated from Ven.
My stubbornness and thirst for vengeance blinded me enough to not see this sooner.
That's it, it's settled then, I have to go back; to make things right with Ven, and most importantly…to stop Xehanort once and for all.
So, instead of wasting my energy on trying to get that stupid x-blade, I'm going to go back to Ven, regardless if he hates me.
As of now, Xehanort's done screwing over other people's lives, especially Ven's; I just had about enough of that old man.
And with new strength emerging within me, I then got back up to my feet. But before I walked away, I slowly turned my head, taking one last look at the broken glass.
As far as I can see, this thing looked like a representation of Ven. A being who is nice and perfect in every way, though in the end, his heart being brutally shattered, just like this mirror. What a pity, though unlike this mirror that's beyond repair, hopefully it isn't too late to return," the missing pieces," back to Ven. After all, no matter how far I came to be as a real person, it would never change the fact that I'm just the piece that broke off.
After looking down for another second, I then turned, now feeling confident and more determined than ever.
Hopefully Ven will accept me, because as of now, I'm tired of our petty fights.
And with that last thought in my mind, I then raised my hand and opened a portal; having it lead to the real world.
I have to say, Sora was right, when Ven came back, I had the same opportunity to come back as well; though… it just took me a little longer to decide if I wanted to.
"Well, here goes nothing," I muttered pulling my hood up.
And with that said, I simply walked into the portal, going back to the real world.