Regret or Love?
The passion he talks with when he talks about writing, finding ideas, is incredible. It looked like he wasn't sure what to say, but once he started it seems like he can't stop. And I can't stop watching his dreamy, dreamy face.
"Lightning?" I say, and notice how close I am to him. Closer than before, but I'm not sure when exactly did I lean closer. He looks at me, with those two crystal blue eyes and dark long eyelashes. He smiles and whispers.
"Yeah. Like lightning." We stare at each other, a little longer to be just friends, but I can't take my eyes off of him and it seems like neither can he.
He leans a bit closer and looks down, at my lips. And that's the moment I lose it. I lean in and capture his lips in a long, breathless kiss. It's not a big deal, not yet, our lips are just touching and our eyes are closed. But soon that's not enough anymore and I start moving my lips a little against his.
After a second, he starts doing the same and puts his hands on my cheeks, pulling me a bit closer. I let my hands wonder into his fabulous hair and enjoy every second of this magical moment.
It's as if the time stopped and everything went silent. It's just us and our hands and lips and oh my god how come I'm so lucky to get a kiss from my crush in the first week.
Suddenly he pulls away sharply. My eyes are still closed for a second longer and when I look up at him, his eyes are wide as the dishes that we have after my grandma, and believe me, those are really giant dishes.
He stares at me, and he looks a bit frightened and confused and he just keeps staring at me like that and- Oh my God, he probably didn't want to kiss me! Jesus, and I kissed him like that? He's gonna hate me now!
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry, Kurt!" I quickly say. "I'm so so so sorry, I didn't mean this to happen!" My heart is racing and his expression stays unchanged. What is he going to think about me now?
"I-" He swallows hard and looks down and then back at me, his eyes are still wide. "I-I h-have to go." He stutters, but stays on my bed.
"Kurt, I'm so sorry," I whisper. He looks at me again and suddenly stands up and hurries down the stairs. I get up and try to follow him, but by the time I get out of the room, he's already closing the main door.
Great, he's gone.
Oh my God I'm such a moron! What the hell was I even thinking? Why did I kiss him? Because it looked like he wanted me to kiss him? But he didn't, oh my God, Blaine, you're such a moron, seriously!
I shut the door behind me and run to my old car. My heart is still racing and my hands a bit shaking and I have no idea what the hell was that and why the hell did I do it. Why?
My hands are doing something out of a habit, but I don't know what that is. I stop and look down and notice that the key is already in the ignition and the left passenger window is open. I quickly turn the radio to a Spanish classics station and finally start my car. It doesn't start until all those three things are in place, don't ask how long it took me to figure out this combination.
If you think that I'm driving home, you're wrong more than Galileo when he thought that Saturn's rings are actually two large moons. Home is the last place where I want to be now.
I don't even now where exactly am I driving, I just drive and drive wherever I can. Away.
Fuuuck! I forgot my bag in Blaine's room! Well, that's... fuck. I have to go back because mom's gonna be already passed out on the couch by the time I arrive home and the keys to the front door stayed in my bag. Well, today couldn't get any better now, could it?
I stop the car, but don't turn around. Not yet.
That... that was my first kiss. First kiss ever. I never could have imagined that it would be so... so perfect. I thought I wasn't gay, but apparently I was wrong. Again. Great.
I touch my lips with my fingertips. I can still feel his lips on mine; it's a bit odd feeling, but I won't say that I don't like it, I would be lying.
I still have to go back. I groan and look up at the sky. The stars are already shining, but I don't give a fuck about stars now, seriously. I've got different stuff to think about. Like the literary magazine, and Blaine, the ASSembly and Blaine, and Blaine and- shit. Why can't my own brain shut up about him already?! I didn't ask for this, it's not my fault, he kissed me, it was him!
But I started it, it was I who leaned in first... God, why is this happening to me? What did I do wrong? Why did he have to move to Clover, couldn't his parents just skip this shit-town at the end of the world and go somewhere else?
I sigh and start the car again. It's already been half an hour since I left him there and I don't want to arrive after his parents do.
Twenty minutes later and I'm standing in front of his house. Again. There's no another car in sight, so his parents aren't home yet, at least something goes according to the plan. I walk to the main door and ring the bell.
The door immediately opens and Blaine stares at me. He doesn't talk, just stares.
I clear my throat. "I forgot my bag in your room." I say and walk inside, not waiting for any invitation.
"S-sure," he says and follows me upstairs. Once I'm in the room, he starts apologizing again. "Look, I'm so sorry for what happened earlier, I didn't mean to kiss you, I really didn't, I-"
"Oh shut up finally," I snap. "I know you did!" I yell. He takes a step back and I briefly close my eyes. I don't know why I snapped, something just broke inside me and I couldn't help it. "Look," I start, trying to calm myself down a bit. I sit on the bed again. That same bed. "I know, okay?" I look up at him. His eyes are fearful and a bit filled with tears. "I know you have a crush on me, alright?" He opens his mouth, but I raise a hand to stop him. "I've known for almost three days." I finish.
"How-" he wants to ask, but can't finish the sentence.
I laugh slightly. "It's hard to miss, really." I say and look up at him again.
"Do you hate me?" He asks suddenly. His voice is so small and vulnerable.
"No, no I don't hate you." I quickly say. I can see how relieved he is. "I thought I did hate you for a few minutes though." I add and he slumps. He slowly sits on the other side of the bed, as far from me as possible, and lets his chin rest on his knees.
I take a deep breath, put my bag over my shoulder and stand up. "I'm so sorry, Kurt." He whispers behind me, tears sparkling in his eyes.
"I know you are." I say and leave the room. And the house. I sit in my car that my grandpa left me after he passed away and finally drive home.
I have nothing more to say and a lot to think about till I fall asleep. If I can even fall asleep tonight. The most important thing to me now is the ASSembly, literary magazine and getting to Northwestern at all cost.
Nothing else matters.