The Host Club's Misery Business

By Jordan Timity

Humor / Romance

What the Physical Exams!

Today the host club's having a flower viewing reception, but apparently me and Haruhi have to wear kimono's to "keep our secret". Most of the hosts are "working on location", Tamaki's charming as ever, the twins are being gay, and Kyoya's trying to make money; a typical day at the host club. But what I don't understand is why I need to be here. most of them care more about Haruhi than me, and no one cares if she's lazy and slacks off. I might as well be here for decoration. So me, Haruhi, and "Mori", are sitting here watching Mitsukuni destroy tea leaves, I mean this guy's moving like a food processor. Mori finally tells him he over did it, why everyone looks so shocked I don't know, Honey looks like waterworks are going to start any second so the girls with us start giving weak complements that seemed to work.

"Part of your job is serving drinks you know." Kyoya shoots me this annoyed look. Translation, "Get up and serve the drinks lazy ass". I take the hint.

What pisses me off is that half the girls weren't even thirsty, so I take that as my queue to take a break. Haruhi was seemingly as tired as I was, she shouldn't be since she doesn't do shit, but she stands beside me any way. She has boyishly-cut brown hair that makes her seem like a boy, I have long, flowing black hair that I tie in a low-ponytail, but apparently to our retarded customers that doesn't scream "girl". I should have known the peace and quiet wouldn't last. Hikaru and Kouru snuck up from behind and had both of us in a one-arm hug. "So Haruhi, Rikku, what elective courses are you taking this year?" asks Hikaru. "I think all of us should take Conversational French, it makes sense-We are in the same class." that last part was directed at Tamaki who then went into his universal "emo corner" by a tree. He said something to Kyoya which caused him to pull this pie graph out of nowhere, and somehow Tamaki was struck by lightning, on a sunny day.

"That's it!" he says. Here come the real waterworks, "All Daddy wants is for you two to go back to the way you used to be, surround yourselves with girlfriends, and start leading wholesome lives"

"Who are you calling Daddy?" asks Haruhi.

"Just what is a wholesome life?" I question.

By then he had Haruhi by the shoulders viciously shaking her. I had to pry him off of her, pretty easy considering I had him in a wrist-lock begging for mercy. The twins came in bouncing up and down saying physical exams were two days from now.

"Then they're going to find out… we're really girls." says Haruhi.

"So you wait 'till now say something about it?" I ask, annoyed.

Now the entire club's shooting daggers at us.


The next day after my last class I take the long way to the club room, past the library. In all honesty I never did expect Haruhi to make it on time, today my hypothesis was correct. Even if she pisses me off, we're in the same boat so we might as well be friends. I mean she may be a lazy-ass, slacks off, a smart-ass, and say stupid stuff that makes the whole club fawn over her… wait where was I going with this? Never mind that, I'll still try to be her friend. We get to the club room and Haruhi opens the door, almost immediately Tamaki had her by the shoulders talking so much he was out of breath in seconds

"Should I keep a crow bar handy when you to are together?" I ask sarcastically.

Before I could get a reaction they were all at a white board with the title, "Operation: Hide Haruhi and Riku's true Gender a.k.a I swear there both guys". Haruhi, thinking this is about her debt, calculates her balance and shrugs it off, I on the other hand, know if I'm kicked out of this club I'm dead. But there's nothing I can do about it. The rest of the club members are in a huddle half-whispering about something when Mori says "Fancy Tuna" and Haruhi freezes, she then goes on to make a weak argument about how, whatever they were talking about, wasn't true. She eventually gave in, Tamaki and the twins smiled in victory. I guess I had no choice. The day of the physical's Haruhi and the twins walk in front of me while I trail closely behind. When they open the doors, rows and rows of doctors and nurses line a mile long red carpet saying, "Welcome students", What. The. Hell. At my old school a physical exam was a class going to the nurse's office to get on a scale, end of story. Here they do height, weight, an exam you'd get at a fucking doctors office, and oh yeah, chest measurements.

"Mr. Fujioka, Mr. Suzuki, we'll be your nurses for the physical exam, please follow us." says a nurse.

With that they both grabbed our wrists and lead us to the back, a strange doctor wearing a brown sweater bumped into me and apologized. He seemed weird to me but I didn't think much of it, until we saw Mori and Honey in doctor "disguises", what kind of idiot thought that would work. Kyoya walked up beside us explaining his intentions, oh yah, that kind. While everyone was distracted by the shirtless twins being gay (is there something in the water) Honey and Mori push us into an empty changing room, Tamaki catches Haruhi as I fall to the floor. "Hey, can I get some equality here?" I ask. I'm ignored while Tamaki whispers something that I can't hear. The nurse calls me and Haruhi for our chest measurements but Tamaki tells us to stay here. His "plan" was such an epic fail I can't get through the details without cracking up. So here we are, our secrets about to be exposed, and Tamaki goes off and dose something stupid. On the verge of taking my binder off and jingle all the way Kyoya comes in to get us. He says he had a private room set up with a doctor sworn to secrecy, later I learn that all the doctor's here work at an Ootori hospital. That son-of-a-bitch. We arrive at the Special Boys clinic where a female doctor tells us to take our clothes off in the changing room, there was only one so I assumed she wanted us to do it at the same time. Haruhi undressed to her camisole and I undressed to my binder when that "doctor" from earlier came barging into the changing room. Haruhi tried to say something to him, but he covered both of our mouths backing us to a wall telling us to keep quiet. Just as I was about to go off on him Tamaki flies in and kicks him in the face sending him flying into the wall.

Then everyone just shows up out of nowhere spouting there mantra in a "I'll kick your ass" tone. Tamaki puts is shirt around Haruhi and Mori gives me his blazer, Haruhi just looks at them,

"So exactly how long were you standing there?" I ask. I'm ignored as we all come out of the changing room. This Yabu guy, for some reason, thinks we care about his life story, so I tune out the boring parts- scratch that- every part until Tamaki says he's going to give him a map of all the public schools so he can find his daughter. Oh… I guess I was listening. We all stand looking out the window, me cold as hell under this blazer, watching Yabu go off to find his daughter.

"Hey I don't mean to be rude, but would you guys please leave." all of them look at her, shocked, thinking he's going to quit the Host Club.

"Don't be silly, we just have to finish our exams, as male students. And don't think I'm doing this because your bribing me with food", she flashes the club a genuine smile, "I'm doing this to pay back my debt." Tamaki smiled back and attack-hugged her until he ended up touching somewhere he shouldn't. I lose my cool,

"Just get the hell out of here!" I shout.


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