The Host Club's Misery Business

By Jordan Timity

Humor / Romance

The Twins Ruin My Life

So far I would think I'm a pretty good host, I mean, none of my guests slapped me in the face so I guess that's good. Just now, I barely have time for homework (not that I won't ace without it), or artwork. But it's pretty much a lose-lose scenario: if I neglect my hosting to get the artwork done Kyoya will be pissed, and if I neglect my artwork for my hosting Kyoya will be pissed; do not get Kyoya pissed. I just can't deal with this crap right now; my brother just started grad school and he'll throw his textbooks at my head if I make a sound (you try getting a metal stew-pot from the top shelf quietly), no, but I have a huge 8 1/2x 11 mark tattooed across the back of my head right now. I know what you're thinking and no, he's not abusive. He was just having a bad day Well thank God it's not Friday, at least I don't have to paint a "your-college-fund-couldn't-afford-this" cosplay. I finish homework for all eight of my classes in less than an hour, curtsey of my photographic memory, and decide to leave before my brother gets home so I can make dinner. I grab my bag and walk with Haruhi to the door, but unfortunately, she had to get involved in their "Which one is Hikaru? Game". They invited us to play a round with a penalty of coming over Haruhi's place.

The twirled around and started simultaneously, "So, which one of us is Hikaru?"

I just want to get this over with so I can leave. I point to Kaoru, "This one is Kaoru."

Haruhi pointed to Hikaru, "And this one is Hikaru", they froze a bit before trying to lie to us.

"Oh no, you got it wrong"

Haruhi and I were so in sync we answered simultaneously, "No, I know I'm right." in the back of my mind I couldn't stop thinking of how weird that sounds coming from us.

Some of the customers asked how we could tell them apart.

"Well its kinda hard to put it…", Haruhi said.

"Kaoru has the deeper of the two voices." I sate.

"And Hikaru's speech and actions make him come off as more mischievous than Kaoru", she says.

The twins seemed to freeze for a while before Kaoru busted out laughing. He's still doubled over, "Sorry Hikaru, I don't mean to laugh." his laughter seemed to come to an end when Hikaru's face scrunched up.

"Well I don't see what's so funny. I'm honest, I speak my mind, and I don't hold back. Its sneaky people like Kaoru that are the real trouble makers." Kaoru seemed to deadpan.

After that they threw a barrage of insults at each other, from "Your bad at math/your failing foreign language" to "your mother wears too much make-up!" They can't be for real.

Tamaki speeds in leaving a trail of dust behind him. He then goes on the scold the twins for posting… naked pics of me and Haruhi… on the club's website. They are so fucking dead! I decide to wait for an explanation before I ring they're little necks into oblivion.

Haruhi has her "pissed-off face" on now, "Stop making weird pictures of us, just what do you take us for?"

Sadistic-ass smirks appear on the twins' faces, "Well that's easy..." they start, "You're our toys."

"In order to entertain one's self in this otherwise boring life, one must find himself stimulating toys." Hikaru explains.

As he finishes Hikaru finds himself doubled over with my hands around his scrawny neck, "What the hell kind of explanation is that. You don't just mess with people because they're your "toys", give me one good reason why I shouldn't break you in half right here".

"Because if you do Kyoya would be on your ass, Rikku."

Kyoya steps in pushing his glasses on the bridge of his nose, "On the contrary Hikaru, your photo-shopping is what instigated this. So you'll be the one to deal with her."

Hikaru was just about ready to cuss Kyoya out, but was interrupted by some dude in a black cloak talking to us through a crack in a door that appeared out of nowhere. He talks about a "Black Magic Club", it's eerie, dark, and borderline satanic: sounds like my kind of club. But honestly who wouldn't baby-barf at the amount of pastels the Host Club uses regularly? The twins try to get Nekozowa, that's apparently his name, with a flashlight. Tamaki then goes on to say something that everyone ignored. Tamaki sneaks up behind us telling us not to get involved with what's-his-face over there. He then goes on to tell us some bs story on how what's-his-face's doll-thing and got "cursed", I turn to Kyoya for an actual explanation.

"So what's the deal with that?" I ask him.

Kyoya closes his notebook and gives me a bored look, "Well he was so freaked out that he wandered into the Beginning Greek class and took their exam."

"Then why was he saying his legs were heavy the next day?"

"Because he ran a marathon the day before"

…idiot…

I look out the window and see its getting dark, "Well I have to go. I have to go shopping and make diner, so see ya", I head out and close the doors behind me.


*Kyoya Thoughts*

(I wonder, who does she even live with? I read on her profile that her parents died September 9th 2001, and that she had no living relatives. So who exactly is her legal guardian?)


I manage to get home in time to start dinner. What annoys me is that if you look at our living room it has "Ryukyu" all over it, his shoes, his clothes, and his books… everywhere. Once I finish with dinner I put it in the fridge and got to my room, I know Ryukyu would be angry at me if I touched his stuff. I mean, he may be my legal guardian, but that doesn't mean we've worked everything out

Just then Ryukyu walked through the door, he smelled like a mini-bar.

"Rikku come here!", I come out of my room to the kitchen, "Closer", I come even closer to him and he pulls me into a hug. As I closed my eyes he pulled out a knife and drove it into my arm, his hand over my mouth to stifle my screams, "What did I tell you about your germy hands on my stuff", he slowly moved the knife downwards splitting my dark skin, "I never…ah…even touched it". He loses his patience and slashes through the rest of my arm, I freeze in place as I get over the aftershock, he backhands me so hard a bump my head on the rock hard titami mats.

This would hurt him more than it does me… if he would only remember any of this in the morning.


The next morning my arm is wrapped in gauze and bandages, but my shirt and blazer cover them up. Today I wasn't particularly interested in putting up with the Host Club, but I'll be damned if I let them know that. Class was about to start so I'm at my seat taking out my books when my arm starts throbbing, good thing I have a high pain tolerance, but my "fucking-idiot" tolerance is far below zero. Hikaru walks into class and says "good morning" to Haruhi—he has flamenco pink hair.

Haruhi was more confused than pissed-off, "Hikaru… what happened to your hair?".

Hikaru looked so proud of himself, "Well pink suits me. From now on I'll be known as the pink-haired twin, I couldn't go on being mistaken for that Kaoru for the rest of my life."

As if on cue Kaoru walks in with electric blue hair, "Good morning Rikku."

"What the hell happened to your hair?" I didn't have time for their mind games so I just get right to the point.

"My sense of individuality, that's what happened. And besides, blue suits me, don't you agree?"

"Then why do you two look like you're playing Divide and Concur?"

Kaoru answered me with a bored expression, "Well what my brother does has nothing to do with me. And I don't even care that Haruhi took his side on this," cue Haruhi's confused expression. "But we always have each other."

I was going to say something before I found his index finger at my collarbone. After I figured out what he was going to do I cringed, even more so when his finger slowly dragged up my neck stopping to tickle the edge of my chin. I hold my neck, twitching; I'm so embarrassed I can't even think about how I'm going to kill him. At lunch me and Haruhi got dragged to the cafeteria by our respective twins. Neither of us had a reason to be here since we both bring a box lunch. We sit next to each other, a twin on either side, and open our lunches. Haruhi brought leftover bacon and eggs, I made a leftover turkey sandwich and a thermos of soup. I decide to confront Kaoru once he sits down.

"How could you just embarrass me like that in front of the whole class?" I question him angrily.

That same smile I hate comes across his face, "It wasn't that bad, and there's no shame in being the uke. Besides, I could've done something a lot worse"

"Oh yeah, just what's worse than-", he cuts me off.

"Rikku, would you like to try some crab? It's from the fatty part so commoners would never be able to afford it", I didn't get a chance to answer before he had my jaw in an iron grip, "Say ahh", he moved the fork closer to my mouth, to me, in slow motion.

I try to protest, "I swear to God, Kaoru you're a dead-", he popped the crab into my mouth and took the fork away. If it didn't taste so good his head would have been rolling away leaving a trail of blood.

He swaps his tray for my boxed lunch, "Here, take my tray."

I hate being used in their games, but if it means food like this, there's a chance I'd get used to it. But that feeling didn't last. In no time the twins were throwing anything in their path(*cough*Honey*cough*senpai), we decided to eat in the classroom like usual.


Later that day he club had a meeting to discuss what we're going to do about the twins.

Kyoya goes on still typing on his laptop, "At this rate we'll have to stop offering our "Brotherly Love package", we're down a pair of loving brothers", he looks up from his laptop, "Oh and Haruhi, don't feel responsible for this. Even though it was your tactless comment that set the two off."

Haruhi gives him a look of disbelief, "Kyoya's right actually. If could have just kept your mouth shut we wouldn't be in the middle of this."

"How are you going to blame this on me for this?"

I see no need to raise my voice, "Pretty easily when you think about it. But I don't think you'd be asking that if you knew the kind of things Kaoru's capable of on his own." a chill goes through my spine just at the thought of it and I repress a shiver.

We return to the club room to find that the twins had thrown everything in the room, the evidence was in a huge pile in the middle of the room As they both rant on about whatever Kaoru pulls out a cursed doll what's-his-face was selling. He says he's going to put a curse on Hikaru, we both decide that's enough. We run over to them; Haruhi practically jumps to punch Hikaru in the head, I punch Kaoru diagonally in the jaw.

Haruhi was practically screaming, while I just kept an even tone, "What do you think you're doing?.You don't bring something like this into a petty fight!.Now both of you apologize this instant, or neither of you are coming to my house!" Haruhi said that last part on her own, mainly because I knew it was a stupid thing to say.

Those identical smiles I hate come across the twins' faces, "So what you're saying is, if we make up we can come to your place", with that they linked arms with us sandwiched between them—this is why I said it was stupid.

Haruhi turned to check the back of the cursed doll, the word "fail" was written on the back in Kanji. Before she can say anything she finds herself doubled over with my hands around her scrawny neck.

"This is why you don't go blurting out stupid things," I whisper the next part and shake her even more. "I live right under you, so they'd have to try extra hard to miss my place."


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