Separations of Chaos and Order
A moment of weakness and I find myself stood in front of him. I’m sure that want and need must be clear for him to see. I shouldn’t have thought about the past, I shouldn’t have thought about him. He’s done so much, tried so hard and unlike the others I know that he’s just trying to protect everyone. They don’t understand who or what we are, though even I find his actions questionable. It isn’t fair to judge that way though, he isn’t like them, he isn’t ruled by human morality, everything is for the big picture, the end result, not the lives caught up in turmoil because of ‘what needs to be done’.
I know he isn’t a bad person, I know that he’s doing what he thinks is best, but I can’t follow that path. How can anyone really live or learn when everything repeats, one giant loop for everyone to suffer through time and time again? Everyone should be free to choose their own path and as much as they may think they are, while Wilhelm controls everything, no one can really have that freedom. As long as the cycle continues, nothing will change, but if they’re willing to break it, I have to do what I can to help them find their wings.
“Despite your choice, you’re still so very full of doubt, aren’t you, Yeshua?” Wilhelm’s soft voice filtered through his thoughts.
“After all this time, it was never going to be easy.” The reply was gentle, though it failed to mask the battle between thought and feeling.
Wilhelm half smirked, half smiled. “No, one must suppose that to be true, given that you are stood here now. What is it you want? Do you even know yourself?”
Yeshua hesitated, mulling over the words. “I want to help them be free and I’ll give them the support they need. I’ve always been afraid of my role, that it might one day be fulfilled, so yes, after that initial mistake, I hesitate and doubt myself. Though I’m not here because I doubt my choice, I’m here because I wanted to see you before things go much further.”
“Perhaps you’ve become a little stronger, though you’ve still come to me for support as you always have. You shouldn’t be here Yeshua, you cannot rely on me when you have chosen to oppose me.”
“I know that, I do, I just…I just needed to see you.”
“Why? What has brought this on?”
“I was thinking about things I shouldn’t have and even if you’re okay with everything, I’m not. I never worked through things properly, or said things I probably should have.”
“I know how you feel, there is nothing to explain. I understand why you have made the choice you have and I’m proud of you for it. You have nothing to concern yourself over, I’m not angry or hurt.”
Yeshua nodded, not really doubting that Wilhelm did know him that well, but it still didn’t feel right leaving things unsaid. He needed to say his peace, even if Wilhelm didn’t need to hear it. It would be nice for Wilhelm to explain his own intents as well, even if he already knew why. Sometimes it was better for things to be said, rather than assumed and just because Wilhelm seemed to know everything didn’t mean that everyone else did.
“Can’t we just talk?” He muttered eventually, half expecting to be ignored.
Wilhelm looked up from his work, deliberating the request. “You shouldn’t be here and what will you tell them to explain how you disappeared? If you really need it so badly, I won’t deny you, however I do think you should give this more thought, before you end up in a difficult situation.”
Yeshua nodded again, turning away and sitting on one of the sofas. He knew that Wilhelm was right, as always, but did he really have to put barriers in the way? Couldn’t they just talk about things, as they had thousands if not millions of times before? He didn’t want things to be difficult, he knew already that he shouldn’t be there, but it was his problem, not Wilhelm’s. This could well be the last time they had the chance to speak like this and it was something he needed to do, so why did the other have to make it so difficult?
“Just humour me; it’s my mistake to make.” Yeshua stated firmly, even if he didn’t feel particularly sure of himself.
“As you wish.” Wilhelm replied, moving to join him.
Yeshua sighed softly, relieved that Wilhelm was finally cooperating. It was difficult enough being there, facing him after a century apart. It had been easier when he made his choice ‘official’, they hadn’t been face-to-face and of course, he hadn’t been thinking about the past either. Being here now with all those thoughts and feelings so fresh made it complicated and unpleasant. One side conflicted with the other and by the end of it he wasn’t really sure of anything at all, though that was how he had come to be here in the first place.
“I just wouldn’t feel right if things ended like this. Even if you are, I’m not okay with this. I can’t just forget everything we’ve been through but I can’t ignore everything you’ve done either, no matter your reasoning. It’s hard to stand against you, it hurts, but I have to do this, I have to help them get their wings back.” Yeshua whispered.
Wilhelm wrapped his arms around Yeshua in an attempt to comfort him. “I know, Yeshua and I’m proud of you for it. There is nothing wrong with walking this path, we both have to do what we think is best. Do not be afraid to follow your heart; that is what defines you after all.”
“And what defines you?”
“You. I’m not like you, Yeshua, I cannot be defined by feelings or humans.”
Yeshua grimaced slightly, not really liking Wilhelm’s answer. He didn’t want to think that Wilhelm thought of him that way, that he was the only one who mattered, though he equally didn’t like that Wilhelm thought so little of people and emotions. If he didn’t care for emotions then what did that mean for him? Wilhelm had always given him support when he needed it but if he didn’t think feelings were important, then why would he? Was it just because he said Yeshua defined him?
“You’re panicking and over-thinking. Just relax, Yeshua.” Wilhelm murmured softly.
Yeshua turned round in the embrace, nuzzling into Wilhelm’s neck. Whether it was wrong or not, whether it was real or not, it was what he needed. He always felt safe in Wilhelm’s embrace; it always felt like everything would work out. There was just a sense of contentment and peace that surrounded him, nothing ever ruffled Vector’s CEO. His complete detachment could make Yeshua uneasy just as easily, but Wilhelm usually comforted him, it was rare that he ever saw the cold side that most people did.
“It’s just hard and I don’t know what to think when I see that side of you. You’ve always been so kind to me but then I see that cold detachment and I can’t help questioning things. Who are you really? Do I even know?” Though calmer, Yeshua’s fears spoke volumes, in both word and tone.
“Who I am to you and who I am to them is far from similar. I am the guardian of this realm, of them; my opinion of them is not the same as I view you. I know you like to try and forget that you’re different but you can’t run from who or what you are. Things will always be different for us.”
Yeshua nodded sullenly. He knew Wilhelm was right about that, as much as he hated to admit it. He always tried to run and hide, even though he knew very well that he couldn’t. Even when he said he had made his choice, that he wouldn’t hold back, he was still trying to avoid the truth. Maybe that was why he had never really understood Wilhelm or what he was doing, because he didn’t want to, because it scared him.
“You’re right. Despite everything I’ve said and done, I haven’t changed, I’m still afraid. This will be the last time I hesitate, I will do what I believe is right.”
Wilhelm smiled. “You told me that once before, stick to it this time.”
“I will, I promise, no more doubt. Can I ask one thing though, before we go our separate ways?”
“Let me stay the night?”
“I know, I know, it’s a bad idea and how am I going to explain myself. Please?”
Wilhelm sighed softly, knowing it would be fruitless to argue. “As you wish.”
Wilhelm ran his hand through Yeshua’s hair. When exactly they’d ended up in his bed, fully clothed, he wasn’t really sure. He hadn’t been paying much if any attention to what was going on, his thoughts were prevalent. Doing what Yeshua wanted was merely a reflex action. He didn’t need to think in order to do or say the right thing, he knew the routine far too well.
It was far more important for him to figure out what to do. Yeshua was making things complicated, he was not supposed to be so close and clingy after all their time apart. He knew that their time together was much longer than their separation had been but Yeshua had made his choice. He had chosen them, chosen to act against Wilhelm, so what was he thinking?
For him to feel the need to say his peace, that was understandable, Yeshua had always been driven and ruled by his heart, though there was no reason it couldn’t have waited until the final act, but to ask to stay the night? That was something else entirely and it was not the least bit reasonable. When people fought each other, that was that, you didn’t go to your enemy at night when the fighting was on hiatus and ask him or her to make you feel better and reassure you. It was utterly ridiculous.
It wasn’t that he didn’t care for Yeshua, far from it, the boy was the only existence he did care for. The problems was that the situation would make things more difficult for him. How could he honestly expect to be able to walk the path he had chosen if he kept falling back on old habits? His friends would not accept nor understand the situation, they would think of him as a traitor and Yeshua would be left hurt and alone again. Wilhelm would never be enough, it was humanity’s acceptance and forgiveness he needed.
Why is it so hard for him to acknowledge that this is only going to make things worse for him? He’s so flippantly making choices that could affect everything and it isn’t like him at all. Yeshua is usually cautious about such matters, due to his own guilt and also his fear of gaining their contempt. He accepts enough blame for everything without them adding to it and he knows that. One innocent mistake and he becomes the failsafe to this universe, something to remind and haunt him for the rest of his existence. A truly cruel punishment…
Aside from being a little callous and blunt about things, I’m not really sure what else I can do. He needs to accept that I cannot be there for him anymore, that he and I walk separate paths. If things turn out as I expect they might, then there may very well be no possibility of reconciliation. To believe that so much of this is because of him… It is unfathomable that I could have fallen to such an extent when I am so very lacking in emotional attachments.
I fulfil my duty, and yes, I may well have chosen this path regardless for that end, but the choice at the time was made because of him, for him. Perhaps it was because of the power he holds, because he was transcended beyond humanity and its flaws. Unfortunately, he is still very human in some ways but despite that, it is for this boy that everything has occurred the way it has. I have done and given everything that I can and shall continue to do so but it will mean he and I shall remain apart. That shouldn’t be a difficult concept for him to understand.
He must surely be expecting that we won’t be able to go back to the way things were? The time where I can protect him is rapidly coming to an end, once things reach the final act he will be on his own. Even if we both sacrifice these bodies, which may well occur, we will still remain apart. Once the Eternal Recurrence comes to an end, I hold no doubt that even if he allows this universe to remain, there will be action taken, at least where I am concerned.
Still, I have known that from the beginning, just as I knew that one day the cycle would end, I had always engineered it for such an occurrence. I don’t disagree that they must make their own mistakes and I don’t disagree that they must pay for their mistakes. It was a rather harsh retaliation for an innocent mistake however and I was not willing to allow the situation to come to that end.
If I can manipulate things in the manner I’m attempting then Yeshua should be freed from his role and they will be left with the fate of their own existence. No doubt a watchful eye will remain but their salvation shall be with them and he shall have no more need for the guilt he feels. As long as that is the case and he doesn’t suffer because of his kindness, that is good enough for me. I will accept the consequences of my actions.
Once Yeshua had fallen to sleep, Wilhelm returned to his office. Hopefully, once the other awakened, he would simply leave and that would be the end of this unorthodox liaison. Certainly, the sooner Yeshua realised the folly of his actions, the better. Clinging to things long gone wasn’t healthy for either of them and it would just make following through more difficult. His former lover really needed to stick to his decision and stop faltering…
Sighing softly, he walked over to the nearest window and stared out at the twinkling abyss. There was so much to do and yet once again his thoughts swam in circles, trying to figure out how he could resolve things and set Yeshua once and for all onto the path he had chosen to walk. It was a pointless waste of his time, he knew, but while the matter was so prevalent, he would not be able to concentrate on his work.
One simply could not help someone who wasn’t willing to help themselves. Yeshua had trapped himself by his thoughts and feelings and did not seem able to realise he was the only one with the key. It was a frustrating pity but what more could he do? As much control as he had, governing Yeshua was beyond him. Trying to do so was not something he felt was appropriate regardless, all things considered.
Perhaps denying him was really all he could do. If Yeshua could not see or speak to him, he would have no choice but to continue on. Sometimes it was necessary to seem cruel in order to be kind. Pandering to his former lover’s whims had certainly done nothing to help matters.
Stepping away from him and forcing his hand was the only way forward that he could see. If Yeshua hated him for it, that was okay. It was more important that he followed his heart and had no regrets. The time had come for him to seize his path and free himself from his shackles. Wilhelm held little doubt that this final act would separate the two of them, a split of order and chaos, never to be joined again. If such was their fate, then so be it, they had no choice but to accept the consequences of their actions, come what may.
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