How Do You Love Someone

Chapter Twenty Two

Chapter Twenty Two:

Rain took a deep breath and her body began to shake. Castiel took her hand and squeezed it. She may be a demon, but she still has some of her humanity in her; that was good enough for him wanting to save her.

"Before I met you, I got word that you had knowledge of a way to cure demons."

"What?" said Dean and Sam together.

Ryder ignored them. "Who told you that?"

Rain shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know, but it gave me some hope and that's what I needed."

"What do you want?" Ryder said again. She had a small feeling on what she was asking, but she didn't want her to say it. She planned for someone else.

"I wanted...Lilith's place."

Ryder and Jenna gasped.

Before anyone could say anything, Castiel touched both Rain and Ryder and transported them to an empty field. Castiel left the girls alone so they could talk.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Ryder asked after some time had passed. She paused. "What do you mean you wanted her place? You don't anymore?"

"What's the point?" Rain shrugged. "You would've chosen Lilith anyway. It's only natural, and I couldn't complain. I mean, how could I? You let me possess you, something no other demon cares about."

Ryder looked at her differently than when she found out what Rain really was.

Ryder had been thinking about curing Lilith ever since she found out who she was and what she was. Ryder loved Lilith, and thought that it would be nice for her to be a human once again. As she looked at Rain she couldn't help but reconsider, but she had to know something first.

"Why?" Rain looked at her confused."Why become human?"

Rain looked up to the sky as if searching for the answer. "I don't plan on staying human nor do I plan on staying alive if you were to say yes." Rain never looked away from the sky. Ryder followed her gaze and although she saw nothing but the morning sky, she could tell Rain was looking at something different. "I want to be human so I could die and go to Heaven." Ryder looked at her with so much sadness.

"You want to see Jennifer." stated Ryder.

Rain nodded. "She was the only thing that I could think about in Hell. I want to see her again."

"Is Jennifer Jenna's-"

Rain chuckled and nodded. "Yes, I found that out as soon as I saw her. It was why I was so angry with her at the warehouse. Jennifer would never do something like that." Rain paused as if thinking of something. "You want to know the worst part of being sent to Hell? For me it wasn't the torture, it was before that. I didn't get to die from the Hellhounds. They didn't even show up, not until after I died. The worse part of it all, was that I died of a broken heart. That hurt more." Rain looked at her with tears in her eyes. "I want to see her so bad, but I understand that you need to cure your daughter."

Ryder felt so sorry for her. "Why can't one of the others cure you?"

Rain shook her head, "Don't you remember? The trial will wipe all demons off the of face of the earth; including me. I was only able to stay with you because we're the same person, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm still a demon."

Ryder didn't respond to that just simply called out for Castiel. If that was true, she needed to know something before she made her choice. She informed Castiel her concerns, and he assured her that it wouldn't happen the way she feared. "Who are you going to cure?" He asked.

Ryder ignored him, and looked back to the sky as if she could see Jennifer too. "I would give anything to be with Sam again if he were taken from me. I don't think I could ever go on without him. I love him with all my heart and soul, so if I were in your place, all I would think about is being with him again. All you want to do is be with the one you love, how could I say no to that?"

Rain's head jerked up. No, she couldn't be saying what she thought she was saying. "What are you saying?"

Ryder took a deep breath, and looked her straight in the eye. "Let's get you cured."

Castiel took the girls back to Bobby's, and Ryder explained to them what she was going to do minus the fact that she was going to die once she was done.

Almost immediately the argument broke out. None of them wanted her to do it. Not that they didn't want to help Rain, but because they felt that something was off with the whole thing and that she was leaving out so much...something that was dangerous. While the girls were gone, they talked it out and decided that it wasn't worth it. Ruby's gone, and Lilith wasn't going to be killed anytime soon, so there was no point.

Ryder lost the argument, and Rain was put back under the illusion because Castiel felt that she needed to be alone; which she was grateful for.

"Please don't do it,'' begged Jenna. She didn't want to lose her friend.

Ryder sighed in defeat, "I promise. I won't finish the trials." Ryder knew that even if she didn't finish them with her being so close to the end, she was going to end up like Sam did. She was going to die. She was just hoping that she would die doing something good. Looking at her family, she realized that wasn't going to happen.

About a week later, everyone left Bobby's house. The brothers found a hunt that Jenna was really eager to go on, but it would be another day til they would get there, so they stopped in a motel for the night.

Ryder asked the group to go on without her to the diner for dinner. She had convinced them that she wasn't feeling good which was true, but wasn't the reason she had stayed behind. Ryder wanted some alone time with Sam, but was afraid they would get suspicious so she held back.

She grabbed her things, and took out a piece of paper and wrote everything she needed to say to them. Writing her letter to them felt like it was the end, which in some way it was. This was the end of their time together; she had just hoped that she had been able to make the most out of it.

As she wrote her goodbye, she cried. Cried for the fact that she wouldn't see Sam or Dean again. She cried for not being able to see her daughter grow up. She cried for not being able to be there when her daughter would be human. She cried for not being a better friend to Jenna. She cried for not being able to grow old with Sam. She cried for the fact that this would hurt her family when they found her body. When she was done, she left the note on her bed along with a small wooden box.

She heard footsteps behind her, but wasn't alarmed because she knew who was there. Rain saw what she was doing to Ryder, but for once in her life she wanted to be selfish. All she wanted was to be able to see Jennifer again, but she would always be grateful to Ryder.

"Let's go." She said softly.

Ryder wiped away her tears, grabbed her things and followed Rain out of the room. She found the location of the church Sam used to cure Crowley.

Arriving at the church, Ryder spray painted the Devil's Trap in the middle. She changed the course of the show, but she was still a fan. She would at least keep to some of the things from the episode. At this rate, she would be closer to Sam in some way.

Neither woman said anything, because what was there to say? Both women were going to die tonight, so what were they supposed to say? Nothing they could say would change the course of this night. Ryder was going to finish the trial, cure Rain and then die. Rain was going to be cured, kill herself and then go to Heaven. So what words were there?

Rain got in the Trap, and waited for Ryder to take the next step. Ryder wasn't Catholic, so she felt no need to go to the confessional. If anything she was a Christian, so she wanted to announce her sins in the middle of the church loud and clear to God..wherever He may be. She got down on her knees and bowed her head.

"Dear God, I ask you to forgive me for my sins. Forgive me for killing the girl who wanted revenge for her sister. Forgive me for being a terrible daughter for my parents. Forgive me for being weak against those who hurt me when I was in school. Forgive me for loving Sam. I can't help but regret not making him happy this whole year." She began to cry, but she continued. "Forgive me for being selfish and marrying him when I knew that this was going to happen. Forgive me for not being able to help Lilith. I guess I wasn't the best choice to help her redeem herself."

Rain stood there and listened as Ryder confessed her sins, but the one that got her was,

"Forgive me for thinking that I could make Sam and Dean happy." Once she was done, she stood up, took some of her blood and injected it into Rain's neck. One down, seven to go.

Jenna went to unlock the door while the brothers carried in the food. "Ryder?'' she called out. "Food's here." Silence. She frowned. "Ryder?"

"What's wrong?" asked Dean walking in.

"Mommy? Daddy bought me a doll." Lilith called out waving a Barbie. Nothing.

Sam closed the door once everyone was in. He too called out to Ryder, but there was no response. Jenna looked around the room, and when she came upon the bed she saw the letter. She read it over and her heart skipped a beat. No! She shook her willing the tears not to come. She promised not to do it.

"Jenna?" said Sam.

Sam could see her read the letter that he assumed Ryder left. He grabbed the note from her, and read it over with Dean reading over his shoulder.

"What is this?" Sam asked motioning the paper.

Jenna tried to get herself under control. She knew that if Ryder did indeed go through with the trial, then Sam and Dean deserved to know what was happening.

"Ryder is going to do the third trial."

Sam huffed. "Yeah, I got that, but why does this sound like a goodbye letter?"

Because that's exactly what it was, and they all knew that. Ryder was saying goodbye. They just didn't know why.

"If Ryder completes the third trial," Jenna took a deep breath, "she's going to die."

Both Sam and Dean's jaw dropped. Lilith was too busy eating and playing with her doll to have heard what Jenna said about her mother.

"What the hell does that mean?"

"It was always God's plan. The ultimate sacrifice." She wiped the few tears that fell down her face.

Sam went to put on his jacket, and Dean followed suit. "We have to go tell her. She needs to know what she's doing." Sam put on his jacket and then did the same for Lilith. "Castiel!" He called out.


"Take us to Ryder. She needs to know what she's doing."

Castiel looked at him confused. He could see in their eyes that the present situation was serious.

Jenna said, "It doesn't matter."

"What?!" Sam yelled at her. "Of course it matters. We need to stop her."

Jenna shook her head. "It doesn't matter, because Ryder already knows."

Dean and Sam looked at her like she was crazy.

"What do you mean she already knows?" asked Dean.

"The trials happen in season eight, and an angel tells you that if the trials were to be finished then the person who does them would die."

Sam looked both scared and angry, not a good combination. He looked at Dean, "Take us."

Ryder stood up already feeling weak. She was glad this was only season four, because she was in no fit state to fight a knight of Hell. Hopefully when this was all over, the brothers would never have to. She took out her blood with the syringe, and walked up to Rain. They both agreed that they don't speak, because each woman had things on their mind.

Rain tilt her head to the side, and cringed when the needle pierced her skin. She could feel the blood enter her blood stream, and moving throughout her body. She looked at Ryder sit back down at the altar looking extremely weak and tired. Part of her wanted her to stop, but because she now knew everything about her including the show she knew if Ryder didn't finish this, she was going to die. At least this way, she would die doing something good.

As Dean drove everyone to the church, he couldn't help but feel responsible. If he didn't allow the girls to come with them in the first place then he wouldn't be driving to stop Ryder from killing herself. He understood that she wanted to lock up Hell forever, but not at the expense of dying. He was not going to allow her to become God's 'ultimate sacrifice.'

Dean could see Sam hurting, and it was the kind of hurt that he wouldn't be able to help him with. Dean knew full well that only Ryder could help him. He wasn't going to allow his brother lose someone that he loved more his own life. Thinking of that, he couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy. Before the women came into their lives, it was always the two of them against the world. He immediately thought of Ryder talking about their bond, and felt better.

Thinking of the task at hand, Dean was pissed at Ryder. How dare she do all this knowing the outcome! She knew she was going to die if she completed these trials, and she still went along and married his brother! How selfish could she be? She is supposed to grow old with Sam; not die trying to save the world!

Ryder checked her watch, and got the syringe getting more blood out. She stumbled walking to Rain, and injected her with her blood. She sat back down at the altar and bowed her head. Regardless of why she was doing it, she couldn't help but feel very sad that this was her last day alive, and her family wasn't here to be with her. A few tears fell down her face, but she quickly wiped them away. Three down, five to go.

Jenna sat there in the backseat with Lilith next to her. She may have agreed to this in the beginning, but now she wished that Ryder never suggested this. She could see Dean and Sam hurting, and felt angry that Ryder was the cause. She thought back to the moment Ryder brought up the trials, and couldn't help but hate how weak she was. Now that she was a hunter, she hated how emotional she was.

Jenna smiled sadly when she remembered the day she met Ryder.


Jenna walked in the hotel, and was amazed at the large crowd. She smiled when she noticed that there were more women than men. She walked around the tables buying a few things. Jenna was putting her purchases in her purse, when she bumped into someone.

"Oh, sorry." The woman said.

Jenna looked up and couldn't help but notice how beautiful she was. Long black hair, sparkling green eyes. Jenna looked down, and went to walk away, but was stopped.

"Hey, aren't you going to apologize too?" She giggled. "I mean, after all, you did bump into me first."

Jenna assumed that the woman didn't know sign language, so she smiled apologetically, and quickly walked away.

When it came time for everyone to be seated in the theater, Jenna quickly found her seat. She watched as everyone began to find their seats, when she heard,

"It's you again."

Jenna looked up and saw that it was the same woman she bumped into. She waved hi, and turned to look at something else. What are the odds that I would be sitting next to her?

"What's your name?"

Jenna ignored her.

The woman was quiet for a few moments, and for a second Jenna thought that she wouldn't speak to her again, until, "My name's Ryder."

Jenna's eyes widened when she saw the woman sign. "Jenna." She signed back. "How did you know?"

Ryder shrugged her shoulders, "You weren't talking, so I took a shot in the dark."

(End flashback)

Checking her watch once again, Ryder injected Rain with her blood. She tripped going back to her seat. Four down four to go.

Sam sat there angry at several things. The first thing was the car. How much slower could this car go?! The next was Castiel. How dare that angel not take them?! The last was his wife. How could she go and marry him when she knew this was going to happen? He fought back the tears that wanted to be released. He wasn't prepared to lose another person in life. It was bad enough when he lost Jessica, Madison, and Dean. He wasn't ready to lose her. He loved her, and now she was going die in a matter of hours.

Ryder injected for the fifth time. Five down, three to go.

Castiel sat in the car with the Winchesters out of sight. He watched as everyone looked miserable, angry, hurt, and confused. He didn't understand why they would feel this way. Ryder was doing something for the greater good. She was helping them, and stopping a lot of things that would go bad. He didn't want to take them to her, because no matter what they did, Ryder will die. At least this way something good could come out of it.

Ryder injected her once again. And once again feeling all the more lonely.

Rain sat there and watched for the passed six hours, Ryder slowly killing herself. The human part of her felt regret for ever asking her, but the demon part of her was perfectly fine with being selfish.

As the hours went on, she could see Ryder withering away. Whether or not she was there with her, Ryder was lonely, and there wasn't anything Rain could do to ease that loneliness. All she could do was sit there, and watch as the woman kill herself to save a world that didn't know she existed, a community of hunters who didn't care about her either way, two brothers who were broken in more ways than one, a demon child who once killed so many people, and a traitor friend who would choose her husband over her best friend.

Ryder injected the seventh dose of her blood. As she was moving back to her spot at the altar, she stumbled and fell to the floor. She felt the darkness taking over her, and right now she welcomed it.

"Ryder?" Rain called out. "Ryder, get up!" Rain tried to go to her but was stopped by the Devil's Trap. "RYDER!"

Ryder felt so much better when she passed out. She had been wanting to for the last few hours. Ryder loved it when she first came here. She finally got to meet the two men that changed her life. She would never regret ever doing this. If given the choice, she would do it all again if it meant that Sam and Dean wouldn't have to go through what the Sam and Dean from the show went through.

Even though she didn't want them to be here, she didn't want to be alone. She didn't want to die alone, but because of her choices, she was going to. She could hear Rain calling for her, but she didn't want to get up.

Ryder, you need to get up. Now! Get up now! A voice screamed in her head. Her eyes shot open. She glanced at her watch. One more.

"Tell me about you and Jennifer." Ryder said weakly. "How did you two meet?"

Rain smiled tiredly. "She was one of the victims I had to save on a hunt. Simple salt and burn. As soon as I saw her, I fell in love. I explained what I do, and surprisingly she believed me." She chuckled. "She wanted to come with me, and even though it was dangerous, I let her. I told her the dangers and she said, 'Sounds like fun.'" Rain laughed.

''You really miss her?''

"I really miss her. I just want to be with her again. Hopefully God would let me be with her."

Ryder looked at her watch. The eighth hour was finally here. She was going to do it. The brothers would be safe as any Winchester could be, and her daughter would be cured. Castiel had assured her that because of God's protection, when Ryder finished the trial Lilith wouldn't be sent to Hell. She would be the only demon on earth, and that was good enough.

Ryder cut her hand and spoke the spell. Rain looked just as terrible as she did, but smiled as best she could. "Thank you."

Ryder didn't say anything, for if she did she would break. She was a step away from saving the world from a horrible species. She was a step away from dying. A step away from Dean. From Lilith. From Jenna. From Castiel. From love...a step away from Sam.

As she put her hand closer to Rain's face, the church doors flew open. She looked up and saw Dean, Sam, Jenna and Lilith running in. She suddenly knew what Sam felt when Dean came to stop him.

"Ryder, stop!" yelled Sam. She did.

"What are you doing here?" She asked panicking.

"Please, don't do this." said Sam putting Lilith on the ground. His eyes were puffy and red. Ryder felt regret, because she knew that it was because of her that Sam was hurting.

Slowly, Ryder's heart began to shatter at the sight of her family. Tears fell from her eyes, and she looked away. She knew this day was coming from the moment she first suggested the trials to Jenna. She knew that this was going to be hard; which was why she left the letter. She didn't want to see the looks on their faces when she told them the truth. She chuckled, leave it to Jenna to tell them herself.

"I have to." Ryder said. Her voice was shaky.

"Ryder." Sam said stepping closer. "I love you, Dean loves you, Jenna loves you. Lily loves you." He shook his head. "You can't leave us." He swallowed the lump in his throat. "You can't leave me." A couple tears fell down his face. He couldn't lose the woman he loved more than life itself.

More tears fell. She had to do it soon if she didn't want to end up like Sam did from the show. They couldn't understand why she had to do this. It wasn't just because she wanted to help Rain. It was about the fact that she loved Sam and Dean. Episode after episode, and season after season she watched as Sam and Dean went through so much pain for each other and the world. If she knew how to stop that from happening, why wouldn't she?

"I don't want to leave you." Her voice cracked. "But if I don't do this, it would be the most selfish thing I've ever done. If I leave Hell open, then all of this would've been for nothing." She shakes her head. "I've done so many terrible things in my life, things that I could never make right, but this I could do. I love you so much."

"Ryder, you don't have to do this." Dean said coming closer to his brother. "We'll find a way to cure her, but not this way." Dean couldn't lose her. She made his brother so happy. He hadn't been this happy since he met Jessica, and he knew that Sam made her happy. "You mean so much to us, we can't lose you."

Ryder cleared her face of any emotion. "I have every reason not to do this." She avoided eye contact with anyone; it made it easier. "You guys are enough not to continue, but what I saw in my universe is reason enough to do it." She gestured to Rain who was sitting weakly on the floor "Whether or not I do this, it won't end well for me." She looked at Jenna who was crying. "No angel will save me." One single tear fell down her face.

Jenna saw the tear, and knew right at that moment that they lost her. Ryder made up her mind. She was right. There wasn't an angel that would possess her only to heal her and then leave. They would want to use her body for other purposes. It's not like Ryder was well liked among the angels.

Ryder looked at Sam. "I love you.''

Sam saw what she was going to do, he moved quickly to stop her but a flash of light blinded them all. When the light faded, Sam looked around and fell to his knees at what he saw. Ryder, his wife and best friend, laid at Rain's feet...dead. He crawled to Ryder's side and held her as he cried. She was gone. All of a sudden they all hear lightning and thunder and the ground began to shake, but Sam never let go. Dean, Jenna and Lilith ran to his side and they huddled up together.

When everything subsided, all that was heard was Sam crying. His crying echoed throughout the church. He sat there holding his wife. He didn't understand why it had to happen. Why did all of the women in his life have to die? Can't he ever have someone to love? Couldn't he be happy for once?

"Is mommy sleeping?" asked Lilith softly.

Sam looked at his daughter, and kissed the top of her head and nodded. "Yes, mommy's sleeping." Forever.

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