What more can I say besides that I'm done with it all. Does it really matter what I want or how I feel anymore, no for no one cares what Loki thinks or how Loki feels hell I'd be surprised if I even mattered at all to them sure Thor claims he loves me but I know he doesn't he only loves the idea of having a brother to make him look stronger, a brother to spar with he doesn't truly care what I think no one does. Everything I had ever known or thought I knew was all a lie, I wasn't even from Asgard, my own "father" still could care less about me, there was no one who liked me at all amongst the nine reals and I was always looked down upon as nothing more then dirt stuck to the bottom of their shoes. they could claim to love me all they wanted but I always saw behind their lies after all I am the god of lies or so I was, when I tried so very hard to prove myself but not anymore now I'm just Loki and nothing else.
Many say that I've lost my touch due to the fact that I no longer do any tricks or anything else that I had done so in the past but I still had power and every trick from back then I just choose to hold my tongue is all and keep to myself besides I was tired. Tired of trying, tired of fighting, tired of punishment, tired. Why couldn't all the torture end hadn't I already payed enough for my past mistakes? Did I truly need to be watched, to be struck down, cursed at? Did I still deserve all of that which had been inflicted upon me? I guess so for the scars never had time to heal before they were cut open once again and the sting of blood stained my skin, and the darkness would wrap around me as the cold held me tight it was the closest I had ever gotten to feeling comfort.
Sometimes I still went down to Midgard but not to do mischief but just to walk amongst them all and try to imagine life though their eyes, was it possible to try and start again here? No, I was a god I didn't belong here amongst these people and the Avengers would never let me sleep in peace always constantly watching my every move. It seemed I would never belong anywhere so why did I still try? I didn't that's the thing I don't try anymore. No spell books, no curses, no spars, nothing but solitude and silence. Even though I was no longer bound and imprisoned I was still in that cell, my room had become a prison of comfort but it didn't feel the same it had many years before when me and Thor were young and my powers were just developing oh how I wish I could go back to those times and change the person I was so that this hell was not my future. But not even I could go back in time and change what had become of me.
They never check anymore to see if I'm still alive they probably hope each time they pass my door that I'm no longer breathing and instead lay silent and pale as the life slips from my form, that's the only reason why I haven't died yet because I don't want to give them what they want no matter how much I wanted it as well. But I have to keep going no matter how much I just want to give up already and be done with it all already I could care less how I die just as long as I no longer breath and no longer have to wake up to this torture.
From everything that Odin had put my threw my body has been scared forever by the past. Tiny scar holes where my lips had been sewn, scars and bruises from whips, chains, curses, every punishment that I had ever endured through had left it's own scar upon my aching body reminding me at times that they didn't care how much I had been hurting that they never cared at all and never would. I could feel the tears brim my eyes once more at the thought of the past but this time I didn't notice when they fell nor made any move to wipe them away what reason do I have to do so? Should Thor or Odin walk in they would scoff at my weakness and brag of their strength, but if they had been through what I've been through then they wouldn't say anything, they don't even have a clue of the pain and suffering they've caused me every single one of them and they could all die and rot in hell for all I care.
There came a nock at my door and I ignored it it was probably Thor trying to get my to fight with him again but it wasn't for the door had been opened to carefully for Thor's rough hands, and the figure that entered was far to quiet, but still I didn't turn around from my desk I just kept looking down at the book I was reading hoping they would leave me alone but they didn't instead I listened to the quiet footsteps approaching me from behind and felt a small soft hand rest on my shoulder.
It wasn't my mother no she had died in the previous war against the dark elves and it wasn't Sigyn I haven't seen her in a long time, no this was Lady Sif but why has she come to me this time? In all my time here not once has Sif ever approached me so what was her excuse now perhaps she needed my help in which I would help her just to be left alone.
"Loki why are you doing this to yourself?" she asked, her hand still resting softly on my shoulder but her question had taken me by surprise but I did not answer.
"Do not ignore me Loki I know you're hurting just talk to me, I want to help."
"Why?" I whispered
"I'm worried about you this isn't the trickster I grew up knowing."
"I'm no him anymore."
She knelt beside me trying to look into my eyes but I turned my head the other way away from her gaze so that she could not see the tears that forever haunted my eyes.
"Just leave me alone."
She stood and walked behind me but before leaving I felt her arms wrap around my neck. "I still care." she whispered before leaving my room and once her footsteps disappeared the tears fell it was all lies they all claimed the same thing for years and look what their 'care' has done for me now? I had to get away for some time I had to leave Asgard. That night I traveled down to Midgard, it was a chilly winter night in New York but I didn't mind after all I was a frost giant we were immune to the chill of winter even in New York the freezing cold did not bother me in fact I felt a bit more relaxed. Pre-haps it was the low light streets or the cold wind blowing softly against my skin but I wanted to stay never to leave and I wondered how these mortals could stay so calm and then stressed and go back to calm? It seemed as though Asgard has always been a stressful mess but maybe that's why these midgardiens are far more advanced then us because they can go through life with their ups and downs and leave it all in the past as thought nothing has ever happened.
I stopped for a moment at the sound of my name but after a moment I kept walking away it had to have been my imagination.
There it was again and yet this time as I stopped I heard footsteps quickly running to catch up with me but I did not turn to see who was behind me.
"Funny seeing you here it's been a while don't you think?" I didn't turn around but still stood letting the man catch his breath. "Are you alright we haven't seen much of you in.. gosh it seems like forever has everything been alright?"
I clenched my fist no nothing's been alright or else I probably would have been plotting something, couldn't he see that I was hurting and wanted to be alone. I waited for him to get the hint that I wanted to be alone but instead just like Sif I felt the man place a comforting hand on my shoulder and I turned to face him.
"Loki." was all he could say I guess it was the sorrow that had replaced the mischief in my emerald eyes that caught him by surprise or maybe it was the look of someone who's given up that caught him off guard but he just stood there.
"Loki what's happened to you?"
I just shook my head he wouldn't understand, I just turned and tried to walk away but he caught my shoulder once more.
"Why don't you come over it's getting dark out I insist." I felt his strong hands take mine and I looked up in surprise as he pushed his glasses up and called for a taxi. Why was he being nice to me after all the years we spent as enemies I'm positive he still holds an angry grudge against me and his inner monsters just dying to escape and beat the crap out of me once more. When we entered his small home it felt warm and safe just as a home should feel something that Asgard never felt.
"Please sit would you care for a drink?"
I just sat down not really sure what to say or how long it would be until I faced that horrid green monster that had haunted me ever since that day that I had meet his power face to face as I was crushed continuously into the cold concrete until all I could do was lay there and gasp at the pain surging through my broken body. I shuddered at the thought of all the pain and all the days I spent in a cramped cell as my body tried to heal itself with no cast or potion to help the process be less painful, the image of a blood stained body sitting above a tear streaked floor praying for the pain to go away and leave me enough time to rest a moment.
Banner came back into the room with two drinks and a bottle of wine and handed me a glass but I just stared at the red liquid as images off all the blood I've shed washed through my brain like a tidal wave and I felt sick.
"What have you been up to?" he asked trying to break the silence but all I could do was sit there in silence staring at the drink on the table trying to keep my composer, I would never openly admit it but i was terrified of Hulk not so much Bruce but his alternate personality scared me and has haunted all my days and nights giving my no rest at all.
"I know your hurting Loki. Please tell me what's happened to you?"
"Why are you being so nice to me?" was all I managed to ask
"Because I know how it feels to be an outcast and to feel alone but the fights still worth it in the end." he to became silent remembering something in the past. "No matter what happens it's never worth the fall in the end surly you know how that feels to want to give up but when you try you just wake up the next day as though nothing happened. TO feel all that pain of being hated by everyone around you never resting always fearing what will happen next."
I noticed his hands began to shake and he seemed uneasy almost terrified of what he was and what he has done to people. I did know how he felt and for once I felt pity for the doctor we were alike in so many ways we were both monsters feared by everyone because of who and what we are and we both have tried to destroy that person to no avail only to have to suffer more and more the next day.
"Everyone's given up on the thought that you'd ever return and they no longer needed me. They don't need a monster on their team, they don't need the calls of panic about a terrible green monstrosity running around the town." his fists clenched and I tensed up as a hue of green tinged his skin. He was breaking, and I was Hulks biggest enemy, I found myself shaking as he grew even angrier. Bruce looked up and calmed down seeing the horror in my eyes and my shaking hands.
"I'm sorry I just don't like being this monster that I've become no one seems to care about me any more because they no longer have to worry about when I"m going to attack they no longer care about me altogether I've become nothing more then a distant memory I bet."
I was still trying to calm myself down but for some reason was having trouble doing so and flinched once more when he came closer to clear away the wine. I could feel my heart jump and had no idea why i couldn't calm down, why was I so jumpy all of the sudden was it because of all I have been through?
"Why have you returned?" he asked
"I..I..I." I cleared my throat "I..I just needed to get away from Asgard is all, to clear my mind." I finally managed to say.
"Yeah walking in the cold does help. But I feel like theres more to your story then your telling."
"Why do you care anyways why I'm here? I'm not causing any trouble so you can just back off."
I stood to leave but Banner grabbed my shoulder.
"Loki please stay I know you don't want to go back and I promise the Avengers aren't going to come and lock you up. You don't have to be afraid anymore."
What did he know? I wasn't afraid, oh who am I kidding I was more then just scared I was terrified, scared of being locked up, of being punished more, scared of everything and everyone around me. Terrified of what was lurking around the corner and what would happen next, I put more thought into my actions which was the reason I didn't really do much anymore but sit in my room that way I couldn't hurt anyone besides myself nor give Odin any reason to punish me. Yet here was one of my enemies as well as one of my biggest fears and yet he was being friendly towards me when he had every right to hate me but instead he was offering me protection from the cold night and s place where I no longer had to be afraid. Could it all be true or was this just a dream?
"We've both been through hell the past few weeks and maybe we got off on the wrong foot but I'm not going to turn you over to S.H.I.E.L.D or the Avengers, I'm not going to tell Thor that your even here."
"It's clear that your scared and I know that when I'm afraid it's nice to be somewhere safe with someone who's going to care. Well mostly the first part since I don't have many friends or aquantinces because of what I am but I"m offering that to you. Please I insist stay the night it's far to cold outside, it'd also be safer for you here."
"ANd what if those pesky Avengers decide to come?"
"I have a safe place under the house where you can hide and no one knows about it except for me. WHen things get stressful I sometimes go down there to hide and calm down."
"No one has ever been so kind to me." I was shocked by Banners manors "Thank you."
It was reaching midnight when he showed me upstairs to a spare bedroom that I could stay in for the night. It was warm and comfortable, even though it was small then mine it felt much safer.
"I can change the temperature of the room if you.."
"That will not be necessary but thank you for the offer." I cut in
He nodded and left closing the door behind him. For once I could lay down and actually rest, I could look in the darkness and know that I wasn't bound and being beaten, for once I was safe and no on could hurt me not now any ways. Even if Thor had decided to come looking for me I trusted that Banner was right about his secrete hiding room under the house. It was strange how Banner was acting towards me, he was being kind, generous, polite, and caring, nothing like the green monster that he could turn into, not like the others.
I sat down on the bed, it was warm and soft but even though I was extremely tired I could not close me eyes, I was to afraid to wake up in that icy cell or back on Asgard to find out that this was all just a dream. I would rather dream this dream then wake up. A few minuets later Banner came back in with something in his hand.
"I thought these might help you they've helped me many times before."
He handed me a few small white pills and I looked at them curiously.
"They're sleeping pills. They help you fall asleep and the best part is that you don't even dream so you can sleep soundlessly. Goodnight Loki." with that he left once more and I stared at the pills a little longer. I could finally sleep and not be woken terrified by dreams of horror, it was all to good to be true. I put the pills on the nightstand and I laid down to sleep. That was a mistake for I dreamed the same dreams as every other night. One moment I would be facing my father and then I was bound and gaged in a cold ice cell as I was beaten relentlessly, I could hear the tormentors laughter ringing throughout the cell, then I found myself in my room as blood swelled up on my skin and tears cascaded down my cheeks. I forced myself to wake up breathing hard and covered in ice sweat. It was all a dream I had to keep telling myself that but it was all real it had all happened before and I was letting myself go through all the torture once more.
I looked at the small pills on the table and decided to take them maybe for once I could escape the dreams and the pain. I fell back asleep instantly and was relieved to be washed over with nothing but silence and darkness, throughout the whole night that was all I saw, darkness and for once I was able to sleep soundly without waking in fear or startlement at my crude past but instead sleep on in solitude. When I woke the next morning I expected to find myself in my room back on Asgard but was relieved to see that i was still in Banner's home and as I walked out into the hall I actually felt the warm embrace of the suns peeking rays that entered through the windows. I found the doctor sitting at the kitchen table reading the paper and drinking tea.
"Morning Loki sleep well?"
"Yes thank you I have not slept well since I was a child."
I joined him at the table and he set down his paper.
"I'm guessing punishment in Asgard is much worse then the death sentence here."
"You would be right. Being gods our punishments would seem far to inhumane to you mortals but never the less I would have much rather taken a death sentence over the torment I endured any day."
His eyes held pity and sadness, I did not want pity from the man I did not deserve such a feeling as that but yet it felt nice to know that he cared about my suffering.
"What exactly do they do? You don't have to answer if you don't want to I'm just curious."
"No no it's quite alright I've been haunted by them for as long as I can remember it doesn't matter either way any more. Do you see these holes on above and below my lips doctor?"
He squinted his eyes and nodded noticing the small puncture wounds.
"These are from having my lips sown shut twice." his eyes got wider "And do you see how my skin is bruised and covered with scars? Those are from years of relentless torture twenty-four-seven as you mortals say. I never got rest always bound and gaged in a freezing cell waiting for my body to go limp and numb from hours of torture. That is what I have endured for years, imprisonment, punishment, torture, devastation, sometimes I wish that I had died that day."
'What day?" he asked
"The day me and Thor battled the Cursed a being working for the dark elves they had threatened not only Asgard but the other nine realms as well. I had been stabbed badly from the monster and was dying sometimes I wish that I had died then I wouldn't have to go through any more torture."
That day i felt relief I believed that I was going to die. The wound was far to deep and I could feel the very life slipping from me and even though it hurt it felt wonderful 'cause I knew that that was the end for me but I was wrong somehow I was still alive and once again punished for what? Escaping and almost getting the warriors 3 killed that was my crime! I had almost died helping them and yet I was punished for my help, I would never understand Odin nor do I wish to he's the true monster but like everyone else he only had time for Thor the golden child who could never do any wrong who was to blind and to stupid to see the truth of what was going on right in front of him.
"I'm sorry for asking clearly it bothers you." he pushed a cup towards me "Here have some tea it's great for relaxing."
"DO you not drink coffee like the other mortals?"
"No it's best if I don't have caffeine just incase. Don't want everyone screaming cause a monster is running around destroying everything."
WE both sighed knowing how the other felt to be a monster and to be hated by all around us. We were the outcasts, the villains, the monsters parents tell their children about to get them to behave. If only they knew our true story then they wouldn't hate us so much or maybe they would. Either way it felt comforting to talk to Banner about such things he understood it all and felt the same way I do.
"It's strange but I feel better talking to you Doctor."
"Please call me Bruce." he smiled "Sometimes it's best to talk to someone as long as its someone who's willing to listen and care not many people have the time to hear of others misfortunes."
"Do you have time Doc..Bruce?"
"You want to talk to me?"
"Yes for I feel there is no one else who would understand."
He nodded and not knowing where to begin I told him everything. Every story, every memory, every word I ever wanted to tell but never found the right person to tell that was until I meet Bruce last night and so I told my story and there he sat patiently listing paying attention and never interrupting till I had finished my tale. When I had finished tears had formed at the edges of my eyes and I was shaking terribly from the memory of all the pain.
"Wow it must have been hard for you to tell me all that." I continued looking down but looked back up when I felt him clasp my hand. "I'm glad you did."
It was strange to be telling him all this but at the same time I felt as though a huge wait had been lifted off my shoulder and I no longer carried the sins of my past. I asked Bruce to tell me his tale as well and that I to in turn would listen to what he had to say. So he began about his childhood, his experiment gone wrong, all the pain he felt, the pain he had caused, the trouble he had felt, and his attempts to kill himself which all failed due to his inner monster stopping him at the last minuet.
"I just wish this beast would die already so that I would no longer be alone, so no one has to be afraid of me."
"I do not fear you Bruce."
"Of course you do I saw it last night you were shaking, even a powerful god such as yourself fears me."
I grasped his hand tightly and reassuringly.
"No I fear the Hulk not you. You are Doctor Bruce Banner a scientist and a brave man who has a terrible secrete. The Hulk is a massive beast who's mind is foggy and unclear of what's around him you are two different people sharing the same body but that doesn't mean he is you and you are him."
He smiled and we let go of each others hand.
"Thank you Loki that is very kind and not expected at the same time."
"We share very similar sins Bruce. Sometimes it's best to be with others like yourself and see that you are not alone. Never think that you are alone for there are always others facing a similar sin."
A silence past over the room but it was ok it was a needed silence to heal the wounds that we had torn open once more in order to feel something more. It was a silence that was needed to comprehend each others stories and to let the hearts soak up the pain and mended each others holes. In that silence I saw that we had more in common then either one knew and for once I felt as though I had done something right for I did not regret excepting the doctors kind invitation the night before. With no regret I started to see that it was right to come down to Midgard but I also knew that sooner or latter Thor would notice my absence and would eventually ask the Avengers to hunt me down and I would be dragged back to Asgard to face my father once more as well as torment. I would just have to hide from them and hope that the doctor would help me escape such pain and torment after all I trusted him now.
It was strange seeing the black haired god the previous night and felt strange asking him to stay but I could see it in his eyes that he was trying to escape his past and a broken place that had cut him far to deeply. He needed to know that he wasn't alone and that there was someone out there who was willing to listen and care about what he thought and felt. He was right of course that we both held a similar sin upon our very souls and that in many ways we shared many things in common. It felt good to see the god smile, relaxed, I felt as though I too had done something right for once for he did not run away even after I had grown angry last night he still stayed.
Loki decided that he had stayed long enough and did not want to trouble me any longer but we both were thinking the same thing; "What if the Avengers or S.H.I.E.L.D found him?" I told him that he didn't have to wonder the streets of New York for shelter and asked him to stay here as long as he needed and it was nice to see him smile once more as I helped him change his mortal form so that he looked very different and unrecognizable. That way if Thor or the Avengers saw him they would think he was a stranger walking around the city instead of an ex-criminal. Loki had changed incredibly since last we encountered each other and it was hard to wrap my head around the fact that I had seen him so scared, weak, vulnerable and terrified of everything around him.
As we walked about he was tensed and constantly looking around and I felt bad for him. Never would I have ever thought that someone such as Loki could become so terrified and scared as he was now especially since he seemed so strong and unbreakable the last time we met. Back then he was strong, dominating, un-breakable, and didn't have a care in the world for what happened to anyone around him, he had wanted control and power but now he was the exact opposite of that person. But I knew very well how he must bee feeling, everyone hated him and saw him as a villain, only I saw who he was and knew the truth about him for I was probably the only one he had every talked to about how he truly felt and it was comforting knowing that someone actually trusted me with the truth of how they were feeling since I was the reason most people locked their doors and kept guns in arms reach.
A week had almost passed since I met Loki that night and everyday he seemed to be more comfortable and more happy and that was good to know that I was helping him relax more and I sort of hoped that he would stay longer. I didn't want him to go back to Asgard only to be tortured more for having left for a while but how fast did time pass by in Asgard or was it slower then here? Was anyone looking for him or did they even care if he was gone or not? I always thought that Thor truly loved Loki and would do anything to make sure Loki was safe but apparently that was the very opposite of how Thor really felt for he wouldn't let Loki go through all that pain if he truly cared for his adopted brother.
"I have truly enjoyed the time we have spent together Bruce you have done a tremendous job at helping me. I truly feel better and have almost forgotten about the pain of the past."
"It's nice to know that I could be of help. You have helped me to Loki."
"In what way?"
"By letting me help you I feel like for once I have done something good and it's nice to know that you aren't afraid of me. I would like to think we would be friends but.."
"You don't think we are friends already?"
I looked up at him and saw that content smile of his.
"I have never had a friend before Bruce for I simply used to not care about anyone and would have rather kept to myself but I see now what a mistake that was and I would like very much to be friends with you."
We sat there on the park bench watching everyone play and we both noticed that there wasn't one person who was alone everyone had a friend or a partner by their side and for once in both of our lives we too had someone by our sides. We each had finally made a friend and had found happiness once more. But that happiness unfortunately was short lived for I had caught sight of Hawkeye and Black Widow searching around the street on the far side of the park gate, I took Loki's hand and quickly led him back to my home.
"What is the meaning of rushing so quickly?"
"Sorry but I saw Hawkeye and Widow searching around I think they know your here and their looking for you."