Chasing Demons

chapter 4

He doesn't care about you.

It's all a lie.

watch any moment they'll come through that door and take you.

He wont stop them, he'll just sit there watching.

Were they right though? What if he really was acting there was always that moment of darkness of not knowing what was really going through his mind but my powers had diminshed through my imprisonment and I no longer could read minds but maybe that was bliss not knowing the truth of what was really going to happen, I would just have to wait but I did hope they were wrong I hoped that maybe one day I would truly be free. But that in itself was a bliss that I would never have, monsters like me were never free even if we're not locked up there's always the voices, the looks from those around us reminding us that we're vile creatures who deserve nothing but death but even that would be showing us mercy which no one wanted so what did they do they torture us until we're to broken to get up and fix ourselves, till we beg for it all to stop, till there's nothing left for us.

Only now did it occur to me how long Stark had been gone or how silent everything had become. It was oddly suspicous and yet still I thought nothing of it after all what was silence to a prisoner of the fiend itself? Silence that had kept me captive all those dreaded years, silence that had laughed at my own downfall, silence...


Silence that had shut me off from the world. Silence that has been my enemy from the start of it all. Silence..

"Loki? Are you alright."

"Yes I am fine."

What a lie of course I wasn't ok when have I ever been ok? Maybe once when I lived a life of foolish lies but not now, no I wasn't nor ever would be ok.

"What's wrong Loki, you can tell."

"Always so honest Banner. No this is something I can not tell you, this is my own sin that I must face myself I do not wish to hurt you but getting you involved."

I stood to leave the room but his hand caught mine, stopping me in my place.

"Please, I just want to help but I can't do that if you want let me. That's all I want to do is help you get through this, to help free.."
"I'll never be free!" I turned to face him "Don't you understand that no matter what you try to do I'll never be free because they'll always be hunting for me until I'm once again in Aguardien prison there's nothing you can do to free me."

"That's what you truly think? I know how it hurts to be seen as a monster Loki, I know how it feels to be hunted down, locked up, and tortured I've been through all of that maybe not on the same level as yourself but I know how it feels and once I thought there was no way I could get free from it all but there's even a way to shut up the voices Loki you just need someone to stand by your side."

No he he was just saying those things hoping that I would let him in but when I did he'll just go against me, call in the Avengers and watch me be taken prisoner like the freak I was there was no escape for me, never would I ever be able to be free or rest knowing that it was all over.

"There's no escape for me, there's no hope."

The tears brimmed my eyes but I let them fall knowing that it was all going to be over again, they would come marching in and I'd just stand here and let them take me prisoner why? Because what reason do I have to fight against them knowing that for a moment I truly was safe but under false assumption. But monsters like myself were never meant to be free, no we were meant to be hunted down and tortured and why because we strike fear into people but not all of us mean to do so.

"Some of us just want someone to care. To tell us we're safe, we're loved, that we belong."

One by one they fell, dripping onto the carpet as all the events came rushing back, the truth about who I was, where I came form, the monster that I am as I watched New York fall on its knees and why because I wanted to mean something more to them, I thought that if I had done something great then Odin would see that I was just as worthy as Thor.

"I never wanted the throne, I only ever wanted to be his equal."

I felt Banner wrap his arms around me but no matter how hard I tried to pull away he refused to let me go and I gave up as the comfort had seeped into my stone heart and melted the very barrier letting me feel something more then darkness and I cried more. What if I truly did mean something to this man who tried so hard to keep me safe, what if he was telling the truth? Why would he do that especially to a liesmith as many had called me as such? What did he see in this empty shell that gave him something to fight for?
"I told you I'd protect you until the end and I plan to keep that promise. I don't care if you've already given up I want to show you that it is possible to escape all of this and be free. Freedom is possible even for monsters like ourselves."

"But why? Why fight for such a lost being?"
"Because you're not lost, you came to me looking for shelter and I'm not going to let them hurt you. I'm fighting to keep you safe that's enough of a reason for me."

He tried to move back but this time I kept him from doing so, I didn't want him to leave not yet I didn't want to lose this feeling of warmth that I just now descovered. It was beautiful and it made me feel human to know that it was something I knew, something that even a frost giant as my self was capable of feeling. But is was the sound of the door downstairs being kicked down that terrified us both. Bruce ran to the stairs and when he came back I hide myself with an invisibility spell knowing that time had decided to be cruel and test just how far Bruce was willing to go to keep me safe.

"Natasha? Guys what are you doing here I thought Tony said you didn't know about this place."

"Yeah but his girlfriend Pepper did and she told us that he comes here when he needs to relax." she answered

"Well he's not here."

"Yes it's clear but we're not here for him. Where's that freak?"

Her words struck me and I could feel the blood and pain seep from the wounds her knives had caused. It hurt to know that they all saw me as a freak and that was all they would ever see me as. They ascended the stairs and I saw that only Tony was missing from the group as they split searching around for me as Natasha and Clint stayed behind with Banner.

"It would be easier on all of us if you just told us where he is Bruce we don't want to hurt you."

"I'm telling you he's not here."

"Then why are you here?" Clint asked

"I had to get away from the stress in New York and Tony told me that he had this place and that it was great for escaping the busy city."

Of course he would use the stress of the city and his own sin as an excuse for being here but I knew that they wouldn't believe him, why should they if SHIELD had probably told them I had escaped and that I wasn't in Banner's house that night and now here he was in Tony's "secrete" home telling them that I wasn't here as well. I could see it in their eyes that they didn't believe him at all.

"Please Banner we're not here to cause trouble just to return him to Thor."
"Don't you ever wonder if it was a mistake giving him up to Thor the first time though?" Bruce pleaded

"Of course we should have killed that bastard." Clint said

"No Clint we shouldn't have. What are saying Banner?"
"All I'm saying is to look at the facts. Supposibly Loki left Asgaurd and is here on Earth and yet he hasn't caused any trouble, what if he's just trying to get away from something as well?"
"Bruce I get it that you want to help this guy but he's dangerous and the sooner we get him off of Earth the safer everyone will be."
I looked around and saw that everyone returning to the room with their weapons armed slowly approaching Banner. In the blink of an eye I watched them attack him, I heard him scream in pain at their attacks but the strain they were putting on him prevented him from turning into Hulk. I watched from the shadows as they attacked him even after he was handcuffed and unable to move they still attacked him. I had to do something, I couldn't let him get beaten because he was to stubborn to admit where I was hiding, after all he had done for me I couldn't let him go through this, no I wouldn't let another sin rest on my heart.

"We'll ask one more time where is he?"
"Right here." I said as I undid the spell and walked into the room. The fighting stopped right away as I exaimened them all.

"Loki no what are you doing?" Bruce pleaded

"I appreciate all that you have done for me Bruce but I will not stand hidden as you are beaten. Thank you."

I turned to face them, these were the hunters who finally found their prey, these were my captors once more, these were the people my brother called friends. One of the SHIELD opertives that was near Bruce struck him with a sedative but before he fell asleep I heard him whisper.

"I'll save you."

Not this time, no I knew that by the time he woke I would already be in Asgaurd behind bars once more. I approached Natasha and as I held out my hands she handcuffed me once more.

"No fight? Hmm I expected better then this."

"It no longer matters does it, you got me so why should I fight if I already know what's going to happen, I've always known form the moment I left that it was only a matter of time."

Outside was one of Starks helicopters waiting to take me back to Avengers headquarters where I would be handed off to Thor, then to Odin, and then to the mercy of the tortures. It was all just a circle, a continus circle that would never end, I would always be captured, always be a prisoner, tortured for no reason, it was who I was and what they did to people like me. There was no escaping it no matter what I thought or tried to do, no matter how fast or how far I ran they would always be waiting to torture me, to hear me scream and beg for it to end, to know that they could keep breaking all the broken pieces until I was nothing, not even air, until I no longer exsisted.

The ride was silent and uncomfortable well for them it was but for me all I could see was the cold stone cell, hear the screaming silence bounce off the walls, hear their laughter as I screamed in pain, felt the blood spill over my skin, feel the hot tears sting my dry eyes, hear the voices.

"See no one cares for you."
"Your just a freak."
"A monster."
"You deserve the pain."
"You deserve the torture."

Yes I did deserve it, it was all that us monsters were allowed, all we were capable of recieving.

"Might as well kill yourself now while you have the chance."
"No one would miss you."
"THey wouldn't even care."

"They'd celebrate today as a holiday."
"They'd rejoice the day you killed yourself."
The door was opened, all I had to do was fall. All I had to do was fall and once I landed I would be crushed into oblivion. Damn these tears that keep forming couldn't they wait until my torture resumed.

"How weak that you still cry."
"You can't even jump out of a plane to save everyone."
"Your worthless."
"Just kill yourself already."

All I had to do was jump, fall to the ground and die. That's what I did, one moment I was sitting, the next I heard them scream, I felt the wind slam me downward, closer and closer I got to the Earth I could see it, could see the houses, see the buildings, the landscape, and then it was gone replaced by the steel walls of the helicopter.

"What the hell were you thinking?"

What was I thinking.

"You could have died. What would Thor say if we told him that you had jumped and died?"
"What would he say indeed."

I hadn't noticed but I smiled at the thought of them telling Thor that I had killed myself and that they had time to save me but decided not too, then seeing the happiness in Odins eyes knowing that another monster had been killed he didn't care if it was by my own hand or that he had slowly lead me to my own downfall.

"Why the hell are you smiling about? Did you do that on purpose?" Clint demanded

"Of course I did, how many people do you know would just jump out of a plane unless they had the intention of dying."

What a dumb question of course I meant to kill myself, I wanted to die, wanted to free them all of a monster, let them rejoice that I was now gone isn't that what they wanted? To be free of me all together, everyone wanted to be free of me so why was I still fighting?

"You have some serious problems if you want to jump out of a helicopter like that." Clint said

I took a glance towards them and all but Natasha weren't looking in my direction but I saw something in her eyes, was it pity? Did she fell bad that I had just tried to commit suicide only moments before and had she not screamed then I would have been dead. There was no reason for her to feel sorry for me, people don't feel sorry for creatures like myself. Once we arrived at their headquarters I found myself once more in that glass cage but what more would I have expected I was a monster and the only place for us is in a cell or caged up away from the world.

I sat down and leaned against the cold glass closing my eyes and I saw it all again, the stone cell, the dungeon walls, hear their laughter, hear my screams.

"We told you they didn't care."
"They just want to see you tortured."
"After all where's the fun if your dead?"
"Yes no one can torture you if your dead."

That's all they wanted, I had become their little toy that they could do whatever to knowing that they were breaking me. They took great joy in my screams, in making me bleed not caring about the damage just as long as I ended up in pain.

"Bruce isn't coming for you."
"He was looking at you the whole time."
"It was only a matter of time before he told them."
No Banner wasn't looking at me but past me, even now I know that he wouldn't want to hurt me in that way no he cared to much about me. It was just to late to already save me I would probably already be in Asgard by the time he comes for me.

Yes you'll be behind bars.
Doomed to eternal torment.
Such sweet screams of pain.
What elegent pictures will you draw in blood this time?
You can still save them the pain and kill yourself.
Yes why not break the glass and slit your throught.
Or cut to deep that you bleed to death.
They were trying to help me, the voices of all people were trying to help me end it all, end all the suffereing.

"No not this time just leave me alone." I pleaded again

Now why should we do that?

Yes why would we leave our little toy?

You'll never be free of...

"I said leave me alone!"

I punched the glass behind me and looked up as I heard it crack, I traced the crack gently and looking across I saw the other fracture in the glass from last time. I was just another freak caged up until they grew board and then their fun would begin. For now though all I wanted was just to be alone, I didn't want to hear the voices, didn't want to see the cell until it was time to return, I just wanted to be alone, just wanted to pretend that it was all just a dream and that none of this was real, to wake up in my room and find out that these days were just the product of having taken to many sleep sedatives.

I just wanted to pretend that it was all just a dream and that when I woke I would be the young Prince again so that I could change all of this from ever happening, if only it had been a dream but I knew that it wasn't, the events leading up to this imprisonment were all real as was Banner's kindness towards me as he tried to protect me to the very end but it was my own folly that lead me to giving myself up. But I couldn't just stand there and watch them beat him, he was there friend and they hurt him just to get to me. Never has anyone shown me such kindness, never have I felt such comfort and warmth before, never have I longed to feel that comfort now more then anything else in the world.

When I was with Banner I must admit that I thought I was safe, that everything was going to be alright and that I truly had escaped it all. What was suppose to be a quite night walk through New York had become so much more then I had imagined, it had led me to a friend, had shown me that there was still someone out there capable of caring, and that I still had a heart worthy of feeling such human feelings as I did only hours ago but now I would have to freeze that heart once more, it was the only part of me that had not been broken and I wanted to keep it that way. But I suppose it was time to face facts, I was abandoned now. There wasn't going to be enough time for banner to save me now and if he did then he'd be a fool, I was going to be locked up once more, tortured, and left there to rot and die.

That was always my misfortune, that I was born a monster who was left to die himself, because I didn't fit in, I was far to small to be a giant and yet to Odin I was nothing more then a relic he had won in war. That's all I was, I was dead the moment I had been born and yet somehow death had evaded me all these years because it would be an act of mercy to kill me. To die was something that I could only dream about, something that was far to out of reach for me, a merciful act that would never befall as my punishment. It was best just to admit that I would have to take my own life that way I got my dream and everyone would be happier with me gone.

I looked down at my hands as they turned blue reminding me of what I was, of the powers I posesed. Prehaps I could truly freeze my heart and die, that way I would die as the very monster I was. Yet I couldn't bring myself to do the act, something told me not to, that there was still time for things to turn around but I doubted it and yet I watched the blue tint my skin and all I could do was watch as I became the monster everyone saw me as. With nothing left to live for, no dreams left to live, no hope, no future, nothing. I pulled my legs in close and hid my head in my arms as I cried and I didn't care if they saw I didn't care what they thought for no one would ever understand this pain except for one person who was to far away to be here to comfort me and yet I felt him next to me, felt his arms wrap around me, felt him lean in close and tell me not to cry, that he was there and no one was going to hurt me but that only made me more saddened for I knew that he wasn't here, he wouldn't come to me, no one would.

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