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Princess Gaara

By lackingwit


Princess Gaara

This was composed by a friend named KillerMay (look her up, she rocks). It makes completely no sense. Its crack on crack on Gaara.

It was a lovely winter day in Suna, the sun was shining brightly and the temperature was held at an even 70 degrees, it was the perfect day to go out walking or to go to the park. The princess of Sunagakure had a different agenda though. The dearest and most beloved princess really wanted to go on a killing spree. After all, what else is there to do when you can't sleep? While the princess was contemplating where to go for said killing spree, there was a knock at the door.

"Princess! May I enter?" came the call from the other side of the door. It was the princess' older sister and the head knight of the kingdom, Temari.

"Fine," the princess replied.

"Kankurou and I were wondering if you wanted to—are you contemplating where to go to have a killing spree? Don't lie to me, I see that look in your eye, Princess Gaara."

Gaara sighed a manly sigh. "Yes Temari," he replied. "I can't go around killing Sunagakureans because I'm supposed to be their princess but everywhere else is so heavily guarded," he replied, looking down almost sadly, though he kept his voice in a flat monotone.

"Gaara," Temari said sternly, watching as her brother-princess glared at the ground with sorrow. "I strongly forbid any murdering of our people. As would Mom and Dad. But feel free to torture the prisoners in the downstairs."

At the mention of their parents, Gaara's light blue-green eyes burned with anger. Damn parents—it was their fault he was in this mess anyhow. Saying their youngest child was a female? Unexceptionable! He didn't give a damn if the people "wanted another princess," he was a fucking boy for Kami's sake! Boy! The thing dangling between his legs was proof! "I hate them," he muttered angrily before plopping down on the chair. His formal skirt flowed around his ankles. He glared at its pink color. "What have the prisoners gone and done this time?" he asked, his voice in the same monotone as before.

"The usual," his blonde sister answered in a fleeting voice, "killed this guy; gave information to that traitor country; so on and so forth."

That's hardly a reason to imprison someone, the princess thought. I did all of that just last week.

Gaara sighed, "Why don't you guys ever let me have any fun?" he asked.

Temari sighed and took a seat on the edge of his bed, facing the chair. "Gaara, you have to understand—you're the princess of Sunagakure. It's very important that you behave the way the citizens want you to behave."

Gaara fingered the cuffs of his pink shirt, looking down. "I thought citizens preferred princes, as I am—technically."

Temari shrugged. "Yes, but after Kankurou..."

He sighed again. "Couldn't I at least wear clothes that aren't pink? It doesn't go with my hair or eyes..."

"I agree," she replied. "But you're a princess. And princesses are expected to wear pink."

"But green looks so much better on me," Gaara complained, his voice airy, "it makes my eyes pop!" He widened his eyes innocently, making their blue-green color popped. His black pupils were dilated.

Temari narrowed her eyes suspiciously. Her metal boots clanked against the stone of the floor. She reached her brother, tripping his chin up to see his eyes better. Gaara only talked dresses when he was high. And, being smarter than the average bear, Temari could put two and two together to make a high-flying Gaara. "What were you sniffing before I came in?"

Gaara giggled a giggle that could have had the rest of the world thinking he was an actual girl. "Mixes!" he laughed, the effects of the cocaine, marijuana, and PCP reaching up to him.

Temari rolled her eyes. "God," she murmured. "You're up as high as God."

"Did somebody say God?" cried Kankurou as he sailed into the room through the window.

Now, here's the thing about Kankurou—he was the second child born into the royal family and the first son. So, he was the one that was going to take over and become king. However, his life's passion preach. And preach he did.

Temari face-palmed. Oh Jesus Christ ("Did someone just think about the Lord?"), not this again. Whenever "God" was said in the household, Kankurou had the tendency to suddenly appear.

"Yes Kankurou, I said God. I was using it in a simile to say how high Gaara is."

"Gaara is high?"

"Yes Kankurou, Gaara is high."

There was a minute of silence before the crowned prince asked, "Do you think we'd be able to paint his face?"

Temari face-palmed. Temari paused to watch her brother-princess try to climb out of one of the freakishly large windows. She grabbed him before he could jump to fly like a bird. She closed the shades and put Gaara onto his bed. He fell with a cross-eyed expression. Temari sighed, "He's talking dresses."

Prince Kankurou smiled. "Awesome!" he shouted. "He'll be out in a minute or two!"

Temari huffed, glaring intently at her brother. "Kankurou," she muttered menacingly, "isn't face-painting against the Lord?" As a princess and knight, she had studied the Bible cover to cover, and, man, did she hate that thing!

Kankurou pouted, going cross-eyed as he tried to eye the purple paint that covered his face. "No!" he said defensively. But as his sister pulled out a Bible from beside-table next to Gaara's pink-seethed bed. "Is it?" he wondered aloud. He shut up as soon as Temari handed him the Bible.

Kankurou's jaw dropped to the floor as he read the passage; then, after rereading a few times, threw it out the window, aim perfect. The curtains flew out the window and breezed back inside, but the Bible did not. He had thrown it with enough force to send it to Kohona. "FUCK GOD," he shouted angrily. "I LOVE FACE-PAINT! I'M GOING TO GO MAKE OUT WITH A MAN, JUST TO PISS THAT ALL-KNOWING 'LORD' OFF! FUCK THE AFTERLIFE! FUCK YOU, GOD! HEAR ME? FUCK YOU!" he yelled to the sky.

Kankurou spent the next ten minutes, sitting in the corner, slowly rocking back and forth while holding a cross against his face, whispering, "I love you, Jesus" over and over again.

Temari fought the urge to facepalm.

Gaara on the other hand had passed out and was apparently having some kind of dream about how he was a pony. He was kicking his legs and was repeatedly whispering "neeeeiiiiighhhhh".

"Gaara's out, Kankurou - if you still want to paint his face."

Suddenly, Kankurou bolted up from his emo-religious-corner and ran over to where his younger brother was currently laying on his bed. Seeing how Gaara was moving a lot, he went over to one of the drawers in the room and pulled out four sets of handcuffs.

Now, some of you may ask, Why does Gaara have four sets of handcuffs in a random drawer in his room?The reason? He's a princess. And because he's the princess, he gets sex slaves. Lots of them. Feisty ones too. But that's a story for another, R-rated time.

"But...but...but..." Kankurou stuttered, "the...the Bible..."

Temari grunted as she helped her younger brother handcuff the youngest. Deftly, she avoided a unicorn-brother-princess's kick in the face; the click of the handcuffs had her moving to another foot to bind that one as well. "Kankurou," she groaned as sweat prickled on her forehead (damn, he was strong!), "I've got really bad news for you: God. Does. Not. Exist."

Kankurou froze in place. Gaara's unbound fist punched him directly in the face as he neighed, but he was too shocked to even feel the bruise about to form. A black light glowed behind the prince-priest's face, darkening his every feature. "What," he asked omniously, his hair flying around him, "did you just say?"

Rushing to bind her littlest brother's hand, the blonde said fiercely, "God. AKA, Kami. Does. Not. Exist."

Kankurou then proceeded to slap her, snap his fingers in a Z-formation, and jumped out the window yelling, "FOR JESUS!"

By some jacked up twist of fate that probably stems from being a ninja in another world, he landed safely and ran into a forest. All the while, he was screaming out random verses from the bible. "But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint!"

And then his voice faded away.

"...We aren't going to see him again, are we?" Temari asked Gaara.

The princess twitched awkwardly, and whispered, "Precious, precious carrot..." before once again letting out a loud "neigh".

Temari sighed.

Why didn't she just agree to be princess?

After turning back to the window, watching as Kankurou shouted and jumped from treetop to treetop with surprising deft, Temari clicked together the last set of handcuffs, officially avoiding being kicked to death by a unicorned Gaara. She took a deep breath and sighed it out. "Well," she said, exhaustion threading her voice, "time to tell Mom and Dad that they lost their crowned prince."

And so Temari told her parents the whole drugged up thing and became the princess and dubbed the skirted Gaara crowned prince. And Gaara never had to wear a skirt again. (Although he did, just because he was so used to them.)

But then one day Naruto came to visit and saw Gaara in a skirt. The blond then proceeded to explode, taking Gaara with him.


So. Yes. No sense. Review!

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