Once that awkward situation was out of the way, and after everyone had gone back to their business, Eric addressed us in a much calmer tone of voice: though I was convinced it was part of the act. "Very well Douchebag and MacManus, you will now choose a class: fighter, mage, thief or Jew." he said as he showed us the attire for each class and I couldn't bring myself to feel surprised that Jew was a class.
Ignoring Alex's warning looks, I chose fighter without hesitation, leaving my brother to choose the thief class considering he pretty much looked like one already with how his eyes being the only part of him that was visible. "We welcome to our kingdom: MacManus the Fighter, and Douchebag the Thief." Eric announced, causing Butters to jump and cheer before standing with a smile on his face, though I was pissed this kid had the nerve to call my brother a douchebag.
"Now, please go visit the weapons shop. Procure yourselves weapons and we shall teach you to fight." he said, pointing us in the direction of Clyde's weapon shop. Sharing a look with Alex: who started coughing again, I led the way over to Clyde, who immediately asked if we'd like to see his wares. Taking half of the money that mom had given us: I bought myself a sturdy, well-made wooden sword that was pretty sharp on the sides.
Watching Alex, I saw him buy a wooden dagger that looked like it could do some damage if used right. Testing the weight of my new weapon, I slashed the air with precision that earned me a glare and a shove from Alex, while the rest of the kids seemed to be impressed. "You are NOT supposed to draw attention to yourself! Or did you forget that last time you ignored the rules?!" Alex hissed in my ear before I shoved a handful of snow in his face, making him cough and sputter. "Lay off Alex! You know damn well what the rules were, and as far as I'm concerned this doesn't count." I snapped, ignoring Clyde's curious looks he sent my way as Eric approached us.
"Ah you have procured weapons, nice. It is now time for us to teach you to fight: I want you two to take your new weapons, and with the bravery of noble Knights…beat up Clyde and Butters." he said, shocking the two boys in question. "What?" Clyde asked as Butters became nervous. "Kick their asses New Kids." Eric said and Clyde suddenly glared at him, not that I blamed him at all. "What'd I do?" Clyde asked, causing Eric to round on him with an angry look on his face.
"I'm the KING Clyde, and the King wishes to be amused. Go on New Kids, kick their asses." he encouraged before walking off to a ring of rope large enough for people to spar in. "Oh ha-hamburgers! I-I don't want to fight you g-guys! You're nice and we're supposed to be fr-friends." Butters whimpered as he fiddled with his hammer, making me feel kind of bad for him. "Don't worry Butters, if Alex hurts you too bad, he'll have ME to deal with when we get home." I said as I tossed a smile and wink in his direction, causing his face to turn as red as Clyde's shirt as the four of us walked over to where Eric was standing.
"By the way Saphira, what did you say to Cartman earlier?" Clyde asked as I turned my attention to him. "Oh that, all I said was 'Of course I'm German, why wouldn't I be?' I tend to speak in Gaelic or German when people question my heritage or piss me off." I said as he nodded. "Is that why your hair is that color?" he asked as he and I stood on the sidelines while Alex started fighting Butters. "No, nobody knows why my hair is burgundy so I just kinda roll with it." I replied as Alex suddenly appeared behind Butters and stabbed him hard in the back with his dagger.
Returning to his spot, Alex put his dagger away as Butters lay in the dirt and cried like the little kid he was. 'You and I are going to have a talk when we get home little brother.' I thought as I glared at him, who flinched and moved to stand by the Grand Wizard while Clyde and I took our positions in the ring. Drawing my sword, I smiled evilly at Clyde before throwing my sword into the air. As it spun around, I slipped into the Tiger fighting stance and snatched the sword by its hilt in my right hand without even looking at it.
Keeping my grin, I glanced at the other kids who all stood frozen in shock with the exception of Alex, who rolled his eyes. Returning my gaze to my opponent, I flicked my eyebrows at him, causing him to snap out of his daze and draw his own sword. "I'm gonna kick your ass Saphira!" Clyde said as he glared at me. "Clyde you have to wait your turn." Eric said as he adjusted his hat. "That's lame." Clyde said as he flipped him off, while I stayed frozen in my stance, waiting to begin. "No Clyde, it's like olden times, you have to wait your turn like in the Middle Ages Clyde! I know its lame, but that's how we're fucking doing it." Eric said as he glared at Clyde, who scoffed in annoyance before taking his own stance.
"Alright MacManus, bash Clyde's face in, don't be shy." Eric encouraged, oblivious to the warning look Alex sent my way. 'This kid needs to chill, I'm not stupid enough to actually bash his face in.' I thought as I narrowed my eyes at Clyde for a split second before charging him. Dashing forward, I feigned to the left before slashing to the right, slashing Clyde's shoulder before jumping back to my original spot. "Oh hell yeah, Clyde's your bitch." Eric cheered as Clyde rolled his shoulder before baring his teeth in anger.
"Alright, since Clyde's wearing armor, you need to hit him as hard as you can." Eric said as he motioned for me to attack again. "I'm sorry about this Clyde." I said as he became confused for a second before I dashed at him again and whacked him in the helmet hard enough to leave a decent-sized dent in the tin, making poor Clyde cry out in pain and stumble backwards. Returning to my spot, I watched as Clyde ran at me and tried to land a hit: only to end up being blocked. Seeing as I pissed him off, he tried to attack me again, gasping in shock as I caught his wrist, rendering him unable to attack or escape as I pulled him forward and rammed my head into his own in a savage head-butt.
"Holy shit dude! Your sister's fucking brutal!" I heard Eric say to Alex as the other kids murmured in agreement. Letting go of Clyde, I smirked at him before finishing him off with a shoulder to the chest, knocking the wind out of him as he lay in the dirt and whined in pain. Feeling bad, I put my sword away and helped poor Clyde to his feet and dusted him off. Even though he lost horribly, he was a good sport about it as he shared a fist-bump with me before Eric started laughing rather obnoxiously and mocking poor Clyde.
"Holy shit that was awesome! You were all like BRAMMGMG! And then Clyde and Butters were like ARGH NOO! HAHAHA" Eric laughed holding his sides, while Clyde rolled his eyes and Butters nudged the snow with a downcast look on his face. "Okay okay, the two of you have proven yourselves worthy. Now, come inside the war tent and I shall let you see the relic." Eric said as he motioned for Alex and I to follow him inside the tent the castle was built around while Clyde returned to his post.
Stepping inside the dark tent, Alex and I approached Eric who gestured to a tree branch sitting on a pedestal under a lamp. "Well here it is: the reason why humans and elves are trapped in a never-ending war. The relic for which both human and elf are willing to die, behold New Kids: The Stick of Truth. Just two days ago we reclaimed The Stick from the elves, our kingdom was dying but now it thrives: for whoever controls The Stick, controls the universe." he explained as Alex and I shared a 'is he serious' look as he suddenly looked away from the branch with his hands in front of his face: as if he were fighting off an intense light.
"Don't gaze at it too long! For its power is too much for mere mortals to look at!" he said as he opened his eyes and turned around. 'Then I guess my predicament is a good thing in this situation.' I thought as I turned around along with Alex as Eric continued. "Now that you have seen The Stick of Truth, let us discuss your dues. Being a member of my kingdom costs nine ninety-five for the first week, four dollars of which is tax deductible-" he started before Butters came storming into the tent screaming that the elves were attacking.
"Oh my god! Defensive positions!" Eric ordered as he stormed out of the tent as everyone rushed to defend the kingdom. "Well, this day just keeps getting better and better." I said to Alex, who nodded as we both rushed out to join in the fun, happy to act like the kids we were and not have to worry about anything bad happening.