The Manifestations of Trouble in Middle-Earth

By Allison Rose Warn

Humor

The Manifestations of Trouble in Middle-Earth

The curtain opened to reveal a large stage, with a lovely backdrop of the Shire. The Witch-King nervously peaked around the curtain, before gesturing to someone backstage to come on out. He was followed, one at a time, by more Nazgûl, until all nine ringwraiths were prancing around the stage on stick horses. As the last one joined them, they began to sing.

It'll be ridin' nine black horses when it cooomes. (Ash Nazg!)

It'll be ridin' nine black horses when it cooomes. (Ash Nazg!)

It'll be ridin' nine black horses, with Morgul blades of course-es,

It'll be ridin' nine black horses when it cooomes.

Ash Nazg!

Incidentally, ringwraiths really can't sing. As the Nazgûl moved off to the side, a tentacle crept across the stage. The tentacle was followed by the rest of the Watcher in the Water, who also began to sing, waving its tentacles.

It'll have lots of slimy tentacles when it cooomes. (Ew Gross!)

It'll have lots of slimy tentacles when it cooomes. (Ew Gross!)

It'll have lots of slimy tentacles, ugly oozing ventricles,

It'll have lots of slimy tentacles when it cooomes.

Ew Gross! Ash Nazg!

The kraken didn't sing too well either. It curled up in the corner to make room for a barbershop quartet of orcs (Yes, they were wearing the obligatory striped trousers. Telling them that, however, would probably be a very bad idea.).

It'll be shootin' lots of arrows when it cooomes. (Lots of Orcses!)

It'll be shootin' lots of arrows when it cooomes. (Lots of Orcses!)

It'll be shootin' lots of arrows, in Moria's dark barrows,

It'll be shootin' lots of arrows when it cooomes.

Lots of Orcses! Ew Gross! Ash Nazg!

The Orcs actually sang rather well. They moved aside as Gandalf helpfully appeared with his staff to fireproof the stage, before a walking inferno strode out and began singing in a deep, echoing voice.

It'll be really big and fiery when it cooomes. (Ack, a Balrog!)

It'll be really big and fiery when it cooomes. (Ack, a Balrog!)

It'll be really big and fiery, raising Gandalf's ire-y,

It'll be really big and fiery when it comes.

Ack, a Balrog! Lots of Orcses! Ew Gross! Ash Nazg!

As the Balrog lumbered off to stand over by the Watcher, Boromir strode purposefully onto the stage.

It'll be driven ring-mad when it cooomes. (Boromir!)

It'll be driven ring-mad when it cooomes. (Boromir!)

It'll be driven ring-mad, Boromir isn't really bad,

It'll be driven ring-mad when it cooomes.

Boromir! Ack, a Balrog! Lots of Orcses! Ew Gross! Ash Nazg!

It should be noted that the Men of the West sing quite well. Boromir politely moved aside to make room for a troop of Uruk-hai in full battle frenzy.

It'll have marching Uruk-hai when it cooomes. (Find the Halflings!)

It'll have marching Uruk-hai when it cooomes. (Find the Halflings!)

It'll have marching Uruk-hai, who cares if it's daytime,

It'll have marching Uruk-hai when it cooomes.

Find the Halflings! Boromir! Ack a Balrog! Lots of Orcses! Ew Gross! Ash Nazg!

As the Uruk-hai charged out of the way, Gollum slinked on stage and began to dance as well as sing.

It'll be really small and tricksy when it cooomes. (Thieveses!)

It'll be really small and tricksy when it cooomes. (Thieveses!)

It'll be really small and tricksy, devious and mixy,

It'll be really small and tricksy when it cooomes.

Thieveses! Find the Halflings! Boromir! Ack a Balrog! Lots of Orcses! Ew Gross! Ash Nazg!

The stage began to shake as if it were in an earthquake. A group of Haradrim rode in on a huge oliphaunt, wincing as they hit their heads on the ceiling, and then began to sing with a charming, if cinematically stereotypical, foreign accent.

It'll be riding oliphaunts when it cooomes. (Pachyderms!)

It'll be riding oliphaunts when it cooomes. (Pachyderms!)

It'll be riding oliphaunts, kicking Rohan's pants,

It'll be riding oliphaunts when it cooomes.

Pachyderms! Thieveses! Find the Halflings! Boromir! Ack a Balrog! Lots of Orcses! Ew Gross! Ash Nazg!

As the oliphaunt wandered off to far stage-left, several orcs came in, pushing a wheeled pedestal with a palantír on it, showing the Eye of Sauron. A deep, raspy voice began to emanate from the stone.

It'll be a flaming lidless eye when it cooomes. (Got Some Visine?)

It'll be a flaming lidless eye when it cooomes. (Got Some Visine?)

It'll be a flaming lidless eye, making all of Arda cry,

It'll be a flaming lidless eye when it cooomes.

Got Some Visine? Pachyderms! Thieveses! Find the Halflings! Boromir! Ack a Balrog! Lots of Orcses! Ew Gross! Ash Nazg!

Frodo edged onto the stage, looking around very nervously at the already assembled. Then a voice began to sing, though it wasn't Frodo's. It seemed to come from around his neck. It could only be the One Ring.

It'll be a shiny golden ring when it cooomes. (My Preciousss!)

It'll be a shiny golden ring when it cooomes. (My Preciousss!)

It'll be a shiny golden ring, such an evil little thing,

It'll be a shiny golden ring when it cooomes.

My Preciousss! Got Some Visine? Pachyderms! Thieveses! Find the Halflings! Boromir! Ack a Balrog! Lots of Orcses! Ew Gross! Ash Nazg!

Frodo hastily jumped out of the way as a young woman ran onto the stage. She was beautiful, with long, flowing blonde hair, perfect features, silver-specked violet eyes, dazzling make-up, and a glittering pink, purple, and gold dress, with shoes to match. She could only be a Mary-Sue. In her beautiful voice (compared by her author to that of a nightingale or a bluebird) she began to sing solo, in perfect three-part harmony. (Leave it to a 'Sue to pull that off…)

It'll have squeeing Mary-Sues when it cooomes. (Leggy-chan's so Hott!)

It'll have squeeing Mary-Sues when it cooomes. (Leggy-chan's so Hott!)

It'll have squeeing Mary-Sues, giving Legolas the blues,

It'll have squeeing Mary-Sues when it cooomes.

Leggy-chan's so Hott! My Preciousss! Got Some Visine? Pachyderms! Thieveses! Find the Halflings! Boromir! Ack a Balrog! Lots of Orcses! Ew Gross! Ash Nazg!

The 'Sue ducked behind a nearby orc, as two people dressed in black walked onto the stage. They had patches with potted cacti on their sleeves, and the woman carried an orcish long-bow, while the man carried a rather impressive-looking sword. There seemed little doubt that they knew how to use them very well indeed. Grinning smugly, they began to sing.

It'll have ticked off PPCers when it cooomes. (Charge Her!)

It'll have ticked off PPCers when it cooomes. (Charge Her!)

It'll have ticked off PPCers, they hate those tricksy squee-ers,

It'll have ticked off PPCers when it cooomes.

Charge Her! Leggy-chan's so Hott! My Preciousss! Got Some Visine? Pachyderms! Thieves! Find the Halflings! Boromir! Ack a Balrog! Lots of Orcses! Ew Gross! Ash Nazg!

And with that, everyone came forward for a curtain-call. And who says Vaudeville is dead?

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