One
"I don't know Betty...I just don't know anymore." I whine throwing my head back.
My best friend just keeps staring at me before she sighs deeply.
"Well, I don't wanna be harsh on you but you should know April! You can't keep going like this—" She pours more coffee in her cup. "And you already know that."
I watch her as she sips on her hot drink carefully, without taking her piercing gaze off of me.
As much as I know that she is right, my mind just doesn't seem to function properly. Or it simply doesn't want to. I am a simple girl, who doesn't know how to cope with new situations so she just keeps living in her comfort zone, afraid of taking risks and terrified of change.
But now that I'm looking at my life from my best friend's point of view, it seems like change and taking risks are the only two options for me to choose from to be happy in my life again.
"When was the last time you two have had sex?" She asks straightforwardly, turning her whole body towards me.
"Don't go there Betty, please."
I give her my cutest puppy eyes, hoping she would drop the topic and save me from this embarrassment. But I know my best friend. I just know that once she puts something on her mind she doesn't stop until she gets everything she wants.
She doesn't talk and just keeps staring at me with her intimidating look that urges me to spill everything. I take a moment to go back to the time I last had sex with my husband, which seems like it happened a long time ago.
"Oh my God, you're thinking!" She throws her hands in the air. "If you're taking a whole minute to think about the last time you two had sex that means that it's been so long. Oh my God April, what's happening to you, sweetie?!" She fake cries.
I look down at my hands, fidgeting with the hem of my shirt. I don't know what to say so I just keep my mouth shut. Sometimes I just hate it that my best friend is a therapist. She is the only one I can trust with my whole life. We've known each other since our high school years and she practically knows everything about me.
"April." She calls my name softly but I refuse to look up at her face. "I need to know how long." I can hear the sympathy in her voice and that calms my racing heart a little.
"Nine months."
My words come out as little whispers but loud enough for her to catch it. I hear her exhale a long breath before she turns her head towards the window. I keep fidgeting with a loose strand of my hair, feeling anxious about her response.
"Have you talked to him about it?" She asks softly, eyes filled with sympathy.
I feel a lump in my throat that stops me from being able to say anything so I just shake my head from side to side, before looking up at the ceiling to prevent the tears that were swimming in my eyes from falling down my cheeks.
"Honey, do you love him?"
Her question startles me. I wouldn't lie if I say that it took me off guard a little bit. I know my best friend and I know how straightforward she could be, but I never thought that she could ever ask this question in particular.
My marriage was never based on a true love story, I met him in my dad's office and for him, it was love at first sight. And the fact that my dad loves him and appreciates his hard work made it easier for him to slip into our life smoothly. As for me, I didn't have time to think about it or even refuse. Seeing my dad happy was everything I wanted in this life.
And so I got married to Yoongi after only 5 months of knowing him.
Everything went perfect and I got to wear the magical white dress that every girl fantasies about while younger. I got to walk down the aisle with my arms linked to my dad who was shedding happy tears. I got to share my vows with a man that I respected, but loved? That was the question.
Don't get me wrong, he is a sweet person, so nice and considerate. But my heart just doesn't beat hard enough when I see him. I don't feel butterflies in my stomach when he touches me. I don't feel a warm feeling in my heart when he kisses me.
I don't hate him, but I don't love him either.
Living with him was simple if I could say it like that. Nothing new was happening in my life. The sex is good but nothing is exciting. But these last few months he's been extremely busy to even have a proper conversation. He wakes up before me, goes to work and comes back home long after I sleep.
"I do respect him," I say with a blank expression.
"I know you do, but I don't think that's enough," Betty answers softly, scooting closer to me on the couch and taking my hands on hers.
"But love is not everything." I shrug.
"April I don't thi—"
Her voice gets cut off by the ring bell. She sighs before taking her hands off mine and making her way to the door. Seconds after she comes back to the living room with her boyfriend trailing behind her.
"Hi, April!" Namjoon chimes before plopping down on the couch next to me. "How's everything going?"
"Good. I guess." I answer facing him.
He flashes me the biggest dimple smile ever before hugging my best friend and nuzzling his face in the crook of her neck.
"Long day?" She chuckles.
"Hmm." He hums placing a kiss on her neck.
I just sit there watching them being all lovey-dovey with each other and I can't help but smile. It reminded me of my first year of marriage with Yoongi. Even though I was not in love with him there were some cute moments shared between the two of us.
He used to always lay his head on my lap and wait for me to play with his soft hair, purring and humming in satisfaction the moment my fingers come in contact with his scalp.
"I should get going," I announce before getting up and straightening out my pants.
"Too soon? It's still 5 pm. Stay a little bit more, we can watch a movie or something." Betty sends pleading eyes towards my direction.
"No, it's okay." I tuck my hair behind my ears. "I have to run some errands anyway." I smile.
She gets up from her place before accompanying me to the door. I tug on the strap of my bag and purse my lips in a thin line, hoping she wouldn't bring our previous conversation's topic back. She shoots me a smile before hugging me tightly.
"Text me when you get home okay?" Betty rubs my arms.
I nod before stepping out of her apartment.
~*~
"Hi, babe." Yoongi talks on the other side of the line.
"Hey. What's up?" I ask before closing my car door and stepping inside the supermarket.
"I was just calling to inform you that I have a big case to work on at the office tonight. Don't wait up okay? Love you." He talks hurriedly before hanging up.
I exhale a long exasperated breath. He didn't even bother to hear an answer or an 'I love you too' from me. To be honest I don't blame him, during the whole two years of our marriage I still haven't said that to him.
He knows.
He knows that I don't love him, yet. And he's being so patient with me that it makes me feel bad sometimes. I feel bad because I don't love him, bad because I can't love him no matter how hard I try to.
Pushing my cart through the colorful aisles of the supermarket I find myself in front of the big refrigerators glass doors. Ice cream pots and buckets were on full display and I felt my mouth watering.
Just as my hand reaches the ben & jerry's cookie dough ice cream, another hand is quickly put over mine.
"Try to be faster next time." I chuckle in amusement before turning my head to face my rival.
My smile drops when I see the face hidden underneath the black baseball cap.
It's him.
It's Taehyung.
