Chapter 1: Rules 1-8
Um, hi! I'm Olive and this is a story I published on FanFiction! So I was invited by theresabain and I'm really grateful for that! So without further ado, let's get started! Enjoy!
1. No matter how necessary it seems, I am not allowed to steal Thorin’s sword to impress the ladies of Bree.
Kili grinned. He was a genius. Nothing impresses the ladies more than a nice handsome sword. And Thorin wouldn’t notice, he was too busy trading and such. All of that responsible stuff.
Stealing a glance back at his uncle who was engrossed in a conversation with another dwarf, Kili clutched the sword and ran for his life. He sprinted, dodging stalls selling wood, food, vegetables, weapons.
Finally making it far enough away from his uncle, Kili scanned the cobblestone marketplace for what he was looking for.
Bingo. He found what he was looking for next to the fruit stand, giggling and clutching one another’s arms.
Sauntering over, Kili let the sword swing by his side noticeably.
The dwarf maidens looked up as he approached, eyeing him with interest. He plastered his most charming smile on his face, and to his delight they blushed madly.
Before he could reach his destination, though, a strong hand grasped his shoulder and dragged him the opposite direction.
Kili tried to object, but when he looked up, it was a very angry uncle Thorin. VERY angry. So he shut his mouth obediently.
Thorin passed Fili as he dragged Kili back to the trading post. Fili cocked an eyebrow and smirked at his brother who scowled in reply.
2. In reference to rule #1, I cannot steal Gandalf’s staff and threaten random people. No matter how fun and amusing it is.
“Don’t get on my bad side,” Fili warned the young man.
“Oh? And what would you do about it?” The man glared down at Fili, smirking at the height difference.
“We’re much more powerful than we seem,” Kili added importantly.
Grinning at each other, the two brothers made a show of brandishing a long wooden staff.
“A stick?” The man snorted, “a stick?”
“Oh this is not just a stick, my good sir. This happens to be Gandalf’s stick!!” Kili said proudly, twirling it impressively.
Fili rolled his eyes and snatched the staff away from his brother. “It is Gandalf’s staff,” he said, pointing it at the skeptical man.
Five minutes later, Fili and Kili found themselves getting the worst talk of their life by Gandalf, having turned the man into a frog.
“But Gand-alfffff…” Kili droaned. “You should’ve seen his face! And I’m pretty sure we just invented a new spell!” He exclaimed happily.
Sadly he was met with blank stares. “No?”
3. I will not spy on random people, looking for any criminals. No matter how suspicious they look.
“How about that one, Fee?” Kili hissed to his brother. The two dwarves were huddled behind a fruit vendor’s stall, watching.
“No….” Fili started. “Too…Jolly looking.”
“Well…how about THAT one?”
“Do you really think the Necromancer would be a little girl?”
“Little children can be quite wicked and sly…”
“Oh, you’d be one to know.”
“Hey! I would not be- Ooh! That one!”
“Now THERE’S a good one!”
Slinking from behind the fruit stand, Fili and Kili stared at the tall dark haired man passing by. Grinning like idiots, the two followed.
4. In reference to rule #3, I am not allowed to then interrogate that suspicious person in a dark alley. No matter how dangerous they look.
“Who do you work for?” Kili howled, shaking the man like crazy.
“I-I am not involved in anything!” The man gasped, staring at the brothers like they were crazy. Which, they were.
“That’s what they all say,” Fili added mysteriously. “But we know better than to trust them.”
“Who are you people?” The man cried.
“Just two concerned citizens visiting the fair city of Bree,” Fili replied innocently.
“Orcs? Goblins? UNICORNS?? Who do you work for?” Kili growled. Then turning to his brother he whispered loudly: “I think he’s with the unicorns.” Fili nodded seriously.
“Now tell us-what are your troops’ plans?”
“I don’t know what your talking about!” The man shrieked.
“Oh don’t play mind tricks with us! Gandalf has told us many things about the unicorns! And they always baffle the mind before they kill!”
“I don’t even know what a unicorn is!” The man howled glaring at Fili.
“Oh save it for Gandalf!”
5. I am not allowed to follow Thorin while shouting: “Make way for the king of Erebor or he’ll feed you to his pet dragon Smaug!” Or anything near to that. No matter how necessary and realistic it seems.
“Make way for the king of Erebor!” Fili shouted over the crowd, stepping in front of his uncle and swinging his arms madly in attempt of clearing a path.
“Or he’ll feed you to his pet dragon…Smaug!” Kili cried gleefully, placing a daisy chain atop the king’s head. The two brothers grinned.
Their uncle was not amused.
“Fili, Kili,” the king hissed. “Stop it! We are supposed to be blending into Bree. Not drawing attention to ourselves. If you shout that one more time, I will personally throw you back to the Blue Mountain myself!” And with that, Thorin swept ahead, growling to himself. The two brothers followed.
“Make way for the king of Erebor!”
“Or he’ll catapult you all the way past the Blue Mountains and into his kingdom-”
“-Where his pet dragon will eat you!”
The king slapped his palm to his forehead.
6. I am not allowed to auction off other company members’ belongings. No matter how much I need the money.
“Do you think anyone will notice anything missing?” Fili asked his brother worriedly.
“No way! We were much too careful! And with all the money we make, we can just buy them replacements.” Kili scoffed.
A crowd had formed at Fili and Kili’s stall. “Step on up, folks!” Kili called gleefully. “We have prized artifacts that you will want to get your hands on! What can we get for this lovely quill? Can I hear five silver pennies? Yup! Seven? Eleven? Fifteen? Sold!”
As the auctioning went on, Fili and Kili were too busy to notice that the very angry and annoyed company of Thorin Oakenshield impatiently glaring at them.
7. I am not allowed to give the members of the company nicknames. No matter how hard it is to say their real names.
“Hey there A-Dori-ble!!” Kili cried, waving madly at Dori.
Dori frowned. “What? A-Dori-ble? What’s that?”
“Why it’s your new nickname!” Kili replied, grinning.
“We a-Dori you so much, we’ve taken the liberty to rename you! And it’s so hard to say Dori!” Fili added with a matching grin. “Hi Dwaliboo!”
Dwalin choked on his ale and glared at him.
“How ya doin, Biffy? Hello, Bomby! What’s happenin’, Gloin Cloth? Orio, you’ve never looked better! Florin Flowershield, darling, how’s it going?! Oin to the Gr-”
“Enough!” Thorin bellowed.
Fili and Kili only grinned innocently in reply.
8. I am not allowed to start an ‘Orc Drill’. No matter if it is for the welfare of the company.
“Aaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Fili screamed, charging through the main room of the inn they were staying in where the dwarves were grouped around in.
“Fili! What is it?” Thorin yelled, jumping to his feet with the rest of the dwarves.
“Orc pack!!” Fili gasped breathlessly. “They’ve got Kili already!”
“What?” Gasped Thorin.
“I couldn’t do anything! He’s-he’s gone!” Fili choked out.
Immediately all weapons were drawn. “Where are they??” Dwalin growled.
“They flew out the window on their unicorns!” Fili whimpered, falling to his knees. “They are right outside!”
Without a moment’s hesitation, the dwarves charged out of the building. They roared their battle cries, but were met by blank stares of the citizens of Bree.
“Where are they?” Bombur hissed.
“Do orcs really ride unicorns?” Ori asked with wide eyes.
The company froze, frowned, and slowly turned back to the front door of the inn. Fili and Kili were exiting slowly, looking at a minute glass.
“No bad, I must say,” Fili said, clearly impressed.
“Yes, only thirteen seconds to get outside! Very nice!” Kili added, then frowned. “Though I would’ve expected more emotions from everyone. I died. Come on, people!”
“Yes,” Fili agreed. “Well, they will have another chance when we practice again tomorrow.”
The two brothers were surprised when they were met by glares and rage.
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