Blaine Anderson wasn't in the best mood. There were only a few things that made him feel utterly useless, the fear of not being loved by the ones he loved the most at the top of them all. He kind of got used to questioning his parent's love towards him over years. It didn't even hurt that much anymore. What he'd never thought he would EVER be questioning was the love of someone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
Blaine had been dating Kurt Hummel - the most amazing human being - for almost two years now. They were good together, and there was no doubt in Blaine's mind that Kurt was meant for him. But sometimes, truly just every now and then, Blaine was wondering whether he was meant for Kurt as well. The fact that Kurt wasn't very vocal about his love for Blaine had a hell of a lot to do with Blaine's insecurities. Although Blaine scolded himself internally every time this thought popped up in his head, he reminded himself that Kurt said those words back without missing a beat every single time Blaine confessed his love, but the nagging thoughts were coming back more often. Why did Kurt never uttered those words first? Until now, Blaine successfully managed to chase all the troublesome thoughts away. But today sucked and he was getting deeper and deeper in sorrow of his poor existence, throwing his own pity party of enormous magnitude.
Running into Kurt's ex in the morning was anything but pleasant. The guy was a prick; too confident but stupid. He did hit a nerve, though, when he asked Blaine how Kurt's abilities in expressing his feelings were. Blaine's It's none of your business made the guy snicker and he patted his shoulder with How long do you think will he stick around? He is probably already one foot out the door. Blaine didn't respond to that one, he just left. He had a showcase to rehearse.
He called his parents before meeting his benefactor - June Dolloway. He wanted to make sure they would be there for his show on Friday. They had already made arrangements but Blaine needed to confirm it once again. Not the best idea. His mother announced that his father had to unexpectedly travel to the west coast for a business trip and they wouldn't be able to make it to New York on time. But we know you'll be amazing, honey. We'll come the next time, okay? Blaine was finishing his junior year at NYADA. He'd been in a few productions and even performed for a bunch of senators in his freshman year, but they never came. The next time hadn't come yet.
He came to the meeting with June with a frown on his face, his head slumped down. They didn't rehearse anything that day. They talked. They talked a lot and that's the reason why Blaine was sitting on the sofa in his and Sam's living room with tears in his eyes, re-thinking his life direction.
Was June right when she said he was relying on others' approval too much? Was it true that he should be more selfish and grab what life was offering him without taking others into consideration? Did June have a point when she told him that he was too young for a committed relationship? Especially, if the boy he was in love with was struggling with wording his love for Blaine. Kurt was graduating NYADA in two weeks and they never had a conversation about what it meant for the two of them. Kurt's band was quite a success in New York. They played a lot and they already had a few gigs out of the city. If they wanted to make it big, they would have to get out the state. How was Blaine, still in college, going to fit in that plan?
The door to the apartment opened and his boyfriend walked in with a grace of his own. As soon as he spotted miserable Blaine on the couch, he rushed to him, taking his hands in his own.
"Blaine, baby, what's wrong?" He asked warily but Blaine only shrugged his shoulders and freed his hands from Kurt's grip.
"Nothing is wrong."
"Then why are you sitting here crying?"
"What are you doing here, Kurt?"
"We were supposed to have a date night."
"Yeah, until you canceled it because of band practise this afternoon. Two hours before we were supposed to meet!"
"I'm sorry. Is it why are you so upset? Blaine, please, don't be mad. Elliot needed to reschedule tomorrow's practice because Ted's parents are coming to New York and they're having dinner with them. We can't afford to skip practise. We're having an important concert next week. You understand that, right?"
"So it's okay to reschedule band practise for Elliot's boyfriend...Your boyfriend can wait. I have never asked you to reschedule your practise no matter what. We agreed to finally have a date since we barely see each other due to finals and other activities we have. I had an awful day and I needed you! I needed you and you put your band first! Why was OUR SCHEDULED date less important than dinner with Ted's parents?" Blaine stated bitterly. He hated to do that. He knew Kurt was genuinely sorry and this was a low blow from Blaine but he couldn't help a pang of jealousy in his chest when he realized that he was once again put aside.
"Blaine…" Kurt pleaded, not sure what Blaine problem was. "You know it's not true. I did my best to cut it short so I could come to you."
"You didn't have to. You should have stayed practicing. After all, you have a big event next week, don't you? You know, you're right. I should be practicing too. The showcase is on Friday. I should just focus on that and forget about everything else. It seems to work for everyone else, maybe I should try it too."
Kurt gaped at him, feeling that something was very, very wrong but he couldn't tell what it was. Blaine was always reasonable. They barely fought. It was usually just a small disagreement that got solved pretty quickly. That's why they worked so great together. This seemed to be a more of an issue than a canceled date night.
"What is this really about, Blaine?" Kurt demanded quietly but firmly.
"What am I to you, Kurt?" Blaine countered with a question. "Do you even love me?"
Kurt put his head into his hands and took a few deep breaths. Blaine's heart was beating wildly in his ribcage, his hands were shaking. He waited for the answer but by the way Kurt was still burning holes into the floor, he knew he wasn't going to get a positive one.
"I'm probably not doing something right, if you have to ask this…"
"Probably not," Blaine repeated. "I think you should go. I...I have a showcase and I need to go over some moves...I don't have time to deal with this."
"Deal with what? Blaine, I really think we should talk about this."
"Just go, Kurt. I want to be alone. I'm really tired. This was an awful day and I can't stand another rejection."
"Another rejec-what?! Baby, please, look at me and tell me what's wrong so I can fix it."
"You can't fix it. Please, leave me alone."
"Okay." Kurt stood up from the couch. "I'll call you in the morning, okay? We'll talk when you feel better."
"Don't call me. I need to be alone for a while. I have to focus on the showcase and you have a concert. There is no time for this."
"You can't be serious right now!"
"I'll call you, okay? Just let me be..." Blaine's voice broke. He couldn't keep this conversation any longer without breaking down.
"I'm not leaving because I want to. I'm leaving because YOU asked me to. Call me whenever you want. You know I have my phone on for emergencies 24/7."
"I'm not an emergency, Kurt."
"Yes, you are! Stop being so damn stubborn!" Kurt raised his voice, his anger and hopelessness getting the better of him. "I don't know what happened or why you are in this funk. I've never seen you like this! You are pushing me away for no good reason! I'm going, okay? I'm going because you want me to go but please, baby, please, call me when you feel like it, okay?"
Blaine nodded absently. Kurt understood it was the only response he was going to get so he went with it. He leaned down and kissed the top of Blaine's head before walking to the door.
"I'm always here for you. Don't ever think otherwise." He said clearly for Blaine to hear it and then there was just a soft thump of the closing door audible in the room.
Kurt sat on the stairs in front of Blaine's apartment building in hope that Blaine would change his mind and come after him. Or call him to come back. Thirty minutes passed after he'd left Blaine and there was still no sign of Blaine trying to contact him.
"Kurt? What are you doing here?" Kurt looked at the boy in front of him, recognising Blaine's best friend and roommate Sam. "Don't you have keys to our apartment?"
"I do...Blaine kicked me out."
"Well, he asked me to leave."
"Why? Did you guys have a fight? What happened?"
"Honestly, I have no idea, Sam. I had to cancel our date, and I'm really sorry about that, but he's very mad. I'm not even sure if there isn't something more to it. He was just really upset…"
"Go home, Kurt. I'll talk to him. Everything will be alright. He is stressed out because of the showcase. He tends to shut everyone out when he is stressed."
"Not me, Sam. He never shuts ME out."
"I'll talk to him and I'll let you know, okay? Go home, you look tired. You can have a heart to heart about his idiotic behavior in the morning."
"Okay. Thanks, Sam." Sam hugged him and disappeared inside of the building.
"Blaine? Blaine where are you?" Sam yelled at his best friend from the door, hastily taking his shoes off. "Blaine?! Where the hell are you?"
"My room!" Blaine shouted back after a while and Sam marched in without knocking.
"I came home and found poor Kurt sitting on the staircase, Blaine! What happened?"
"I don't wanna talk about it. Shitty day."
"Shitty day? That's not enough, Blaine! No matter how shitty your day was, you shouldn't have kicked your boyfriend out!"
"I didn't kick him out! I asked him to leave!"
"Because I'm tired of always being second! Because I'm tired of always worrying if people like me enough! I'm tired of everything! I'm tired of a boyfriend who can't even tell me he loves me!"
"What? That's nonsense! Of course Kurt loves you!"
"Does he? When I asked if he loved me, he didn't say anything! Just that he is probably doing something wrong if I have to ask something like that!"
"See? What else do you want? He figured you know how much he loves you!"
"Why does he never say it then?"
"What are you talking about, Blaine? I, personally, heard him say he loves you on many occasions!"
"No, you didn't! He always says I love you, too. He is never the one to say it first! Do you know how it makes me feel?"
"I want you to listen to me very carefully now. Just because someone is saying I love you doesn't mean that they mean it. Have you ever heard that actions speak volumes? Think about it and then tell me, once again, that Kurt doesn't love you." With that, Sam slammed Blaine's door, leaving his moronic friend to deal with his shit alone. It was always the best strategy to make him see his stupidity.
Blaine, just as Sam assumed, curled up into a ball on his bed, sobbing silently in despair. His eyes fell on a book that was on his desk, ready to be adorned with another memoir of their relationship. He got out of the bed and took a scrapbook, opening it on the very first page where the photo of the two of them grinning to the camera was proudly sitting above the audition flyer of Kurt's and Santana's show. Even though Blaine felt awful, he had to smile at the memory of the day when he'd met Kurt Hummel...
Thanks for reading! The cover art is by Lallagogo. And the whole story was edited by my amazing friend Kelly. =) More to come. This story is complete.
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