Sanity...it was truly a word that didn't apply in the district of Nerima. There could never be any concept of peace in the place just as long as a certain pair of teenagers fought over their unwanted engagement. But this story in particular though, is about ANOTHER certain set of people. Now this couple however was entirely one sided; not to mention the one that was in love with the other was a half deluded moron that believed that he could tame any girl's heart with his much lacking charm and wit. Interestingly enough for him though, the woman he was chasing after right now wasn't technically even actually a girl at all. Yes, currently, one Tatewaki Kuno was chasing his beloved pigtailed goddess.
"Look it! Can't ya get it through yer thick skull that I ain't in love with ya'?" Ranma shouted, running away from the crazed sword welder, "So just leave me alone!" she demanded.
"But pigtailed girl! I simply cannot deny you my ever glorious presence! Just like how you can never truly deny your love for me!" Kuno exclaimed, with his arms stretched out holding, in one of his hands, a beautiful bouquet of flowers.
'This is been getting old.' Ranma thought, she knew that it was time she really had to deal with this nuisance once and for all, it was starting to be a real pain. There was just one problem clogging up the works... how to do it? The spoiled teen was simply too stupid to listen to Ranma's explanations… But that's when it hit her! She just needed to trick him out of believing he had no chance with her! Yes, it made perfect sense! Good thing she was quick on her feet. If it hadn't been for that she'd deal with this loser even longer than she wanted to!
Stopping in her tracks, she turned around and attempted to speak, but the Saotome prodigy was halted when she was caught in a hard embrace by the ever insane Kuno-boy. "Oh, my darling Pigtailed girl!" he said, twirling her around momentarily before he stopped and pulled the girl back, "How I've waited for you to jump into my arms!" he exclaimed.
Being spun around and pressed up against someone like Kuno wasn't exactly Ranma's idea of fun, though when she said what she was about to say, she'd finally be rid of him forever! Suppressing her growing need to send Kuno flying into the stratosphere, Ranma clenched her fist and tried to pull herself out of his grasp.
Taking a deep breath, Ranma knew it was time to use her magnificent womanly acting skills to woo her enemy. "I'm so sorry, my dear Kuno, but we can not be together..." she sighed, clasping her hands together and staring into Kuno's eyes.
"What?... Has that wretched sorcerer Saotome somehow forced you to distance yourself from me further, my beloved?" Kuno asked, taking her dainty hands in his.
Feeling that Kuno was already overstepping his boundaries, (something which wasn't exactly new) she continued her little act. "Well, you see, the thing is upperclassman... I've-I've fallen for another!" she overdramatically gasped out, pushing away from him and placing the back of her palm to her forehead. You have to understand, theatrics were something what caught Kuno's attention the most, and of course in this little act, he wished nothing more than to play the part of the lover, but Ranma most assuredly would only deceive him.
"Be still my heart!" Kuno gasped, placing his hand over his chest as the other still firmly held his flowers.
"So... I'm sorry, but I simply can not be with you! For you see, I'm madly in love with... uh... uh..."
Kuno lowered his head, wishing- hoping that it was not true… that the whole thing was all some horrible, evil prank; the definition of a joke that had gone too far. Or-or maybe she meant merely meant that he had stolen her heart all over again! Yes of course! He wouldn't doubt her, besides! Kuno was the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, no woman could resist him! "Please, say the name of the person that will either cause me great turmoil or great happiness!" he exclaimed.
Ranma raised an eyebrow... what the heck had he meant by great happiness? Then it hit her, Kuno was thinking that Ranma was about to say something cheesy, like he had stolen her heart all over again, or something. 'Geez, what is this, some trashy romance novel?' Regardless, she tried to think of something. "His name is... um...," she stopped, placing a finger to her chin.
"Say it... please; don't keep me waiting any longer!" Kuno said.
Not being able to actually think of anyone, she decided to play some more theatrics to lead him astray. "I- I can't!... I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have!"
"Then- then let me meet him! I shall never forsake my love for you pigtailed girl, never... As long as blood courses through my very veins, I shall not yield until I know that I've truly lost the heart of you!... My beloved tree born kettle girl!" he exclaimed, turning around and dashing away from her. For some reason a red flowery vortex formed and blinded Ranma for a moment.
Removing her hand from her face, she slapped her forehead and closed her eyes. "I TOLD YOU ALREADY! I HAVE A BOYFRIEND YOU NUMBSKULL!" she shouted to the wind, gritting her teeth.
The members of the household each sat in the TV room, having already finished Kasumi's dinner for the night. Peculiarly enough they all seemed to be watching what appeared to be an episode of Pokémon, one of which they obviously they had already seen before, though none of them really cared at the moment.
"Now, tell me Akane... what is the point of 'catching them all', if this Ash fellow only has about four of those little monsters?" Soun asked, looking towards the blue haired girl.
"Yeah... and why doesn't that redheaded girl admit that she has a thing for that Ash guy?" Nabiki questioned aloud.
Genma in panda form raised up one of his signs, "What's with their hair?" the sign asked.
"How should I know... I just wonder what's supposed to be the big deal about this show, since it seems every little kid I've seen talks about it like no tomorrow!" Akane replied to them, but then looked to the side. "I don't even know anything about it."
"Well, I'm sure this will get interesting... at some point, hopefully." Kasumi commented, an anime styled sweat drop falling from the side of her head. After a moment or two more of watching the show that none of them were enjoying, they changed the channel.
During their habitual channel surfing, they momentarily turned around when they heard the sound of the backdoor being opened; with a redheaded Ranma walking in a second later, her arms crossed over her chest, an annoyed expression clear on her face.
"Ranma... what took you so long, my boy?" Soun asked.
"Kuno..." Ranma simply mumbled out.
"Let me guess... he was chasing after your pretty little head again, wasn't he?" Nabiki drawled out, placing her hand over her mouth after giving off a light chuckle.
"Can it why don't cha? " She huffed out, crossing her arms together again. "I'm hungry." she stated, and then turned to face Kasumi. "Is there anything left to eat...?"
"Of course there is Ranma, please, go help yourself." Kasumi smiled, tilting her head to the side; always glad to satisfy people with her cooking.
"Great! I'm starvin'!" Ranma exclaimed, before dashing to the kitchen.
"That idiot; always thinks with his stomach..." Akane commented with a "hmph", but then shrugged. She would have cared more if she had been more interested in things related to Kuno, but it was almost too mundane a thing for her to be concerned about. All that mattered right now that she had no homework to do, and that she could go to her room and play her adorable pet P-chan! Akane was indeed happy for having once again found her cute cuddly pet pig.
Meanwhile, in the blue haired girl's room, there sat a small black piglet; Ryoga's cursed form. The miniature oinker trotted around in front of Akane's door looking for a way out. The small black pig's mind was completely set on exiting the room; in all attempts so far though he had sadly failed to thwart his wooden arch-enemy. Ryoga was simply hoping to be able change back into his human form, and then challenge Ranma to a much belated duel. 'I wish I had gotten the door before Akane left... instead of the closet.' P-chan thought, but then, suddenly, a light bulb went off in the young pig's mind, and he ran over to Akane's bed and hopped up onto it, after which he continued moving to the end of the Tendo girl's resting area, and began staring off at the adjacent handle of the door, with narrowed eyes, P-chan charged! Jumping off to the corner of the bed and leaping over to the knob.
Slamming onto it teeth first, P-chan gritted his chompers, and managed to angle his small body onto the handle and caused it to turn, when it had done so, he found the door slowly drifting outwards to the hall, causing him to squeal in fear, and slip off of the door. "Bwee!' he exclaimed.
After just laying on the cold hard floor for a few seconds, P-chan slowly managed to sit up and shake his piggy head. "Bwe..." he groaned, rubbing the back of his skull with his tiny pig's hoof.
All the while, Ranma had been walking up to her room, staring at the floor and trying to figure out some sort of plan. She had told Kuno that she already had someone she liked, that of course was her plan to get him to leave her alone; but it hadn't gone as she had planned, now she needed to find a fake boyfriend to scare the sword wielding manic away. The only question was... how would she do it? Who could she get to play as her fake lover?
Well… out of the obvious options, there was; Mousse, Ukyo and Ryoga. The reason Ukyo came into play was because she could definitely pull off the image of a male, she had been living as one for over ten years. Though if she went for her, the okonomiyaki chef might hold it against Ranma, and try to make something out of it. Possibly wanting him to become her actual husband in return; and that certainly wasn't going to happen! Even if she was Ranma's childhood friend, it wasn't worth being tied down at the age of sixteen!... Mousse would probably just find it strange, and even if Ranma offered to cut some sort of deal with him, it'd most likely involve him losing to the duck-boy he could win Shampoo's heart; and Ranma wasn't about to lose to someone like him on purpose! He had a reputation to think of. So, that only left one possible candidate… Ryoga Hibiki.
The problem was... the bandana wearing boy wasn't exactly easiest to find. The guy got lost more times than a blind person without their Seeing Eye dog; in fact, considering who we're talking about, that was probably an insult to blind people. (I truly apologize.)
"Now, how would I get the idiot to play along with it anyways?" She asked, seriously stressing her thinking muscle. "Not only that... where can I even find the oaf?" she wondered, until she heard a very familiar squealing coming from what sounded like Akane's room. It was as if some mystical force had answered her prayers.
With that, she ran over to the room and picked the piglet up by his yellow bandanna that he comfortably wore around his small neck. "Hey there, P-chan... I've got ta talk with you." she grinned.
Said P-chan stared at Ranma before narrowing his eyes and attempting to attack her with all the force a five pound porker could muster. Surprisingly, he succeeded in catching her off guard by hitting her face with his feet. "Ack! Stop you stupid pig!" Ranma yelled, before slapping her hand over his mouth and getting him to stop fighting against her, though that didn't stop P-chan from gnawing on her fingers.
Ignoring the pain that shot through her hand, she took the tiny pig-boy to her room.
When they arrived, Ranma took a brief leave to look for something, but closed the door behind her so he could have no chance at escape. When she had returned, she brought with her a teapot of steaming hot water and an extra set of Ryoga's clothes, now this made the small piglet wonder, though he figured he'd ask where she got the attire when he was human once again.
Sitting Indian style across from him, she put the clothes in front of Ryoga, set up in a way so that when he expanded back to normal, they'd easily slip back on him.
"Bwee..." P-chan replied, before jumping into the set of duds and waiting for Ranma to pour the water onto him.
"Before I change you back... promise not to start shouting, okay?" she asked, staring at the small pig with intent.
Looking up from under the clothes, P-chan reluctantly nodded his head.
"Alright..." with that she poured the searing hot water on the small black pig.
Instantly, the small pig grew, and his body formed into his regular, human state. "What the hell do you want Ranma...?" Ryoga asked, cracking his neck to the side and flexing his shoulder by rotating it.
"Listen, I need ya ta help get rid of Kuno for me..." Ranma stated.
"Huh?... What are you on about? You know fighting the guy will never get him to stop coming after you... what makes you think the two of us trying to knock some sense into him would make that idiot quit? Heck, I bet even if we completely pounded his lights out he'd still come back for more." Ryoga stated, crossing his arms and closing his eyes. "Besides, I wouldn't even help you..." The lost boy stated; a bit of a "hmph" added at the last sentence.
"No... I ain't gonna' fight 'im… now, listen, hear me out with this..." She stated before raising her finger upward. "But remember! If you don't help me out, I'll..." Ranma smirked, she knew this was a little underhanded, but she needed to finally be rid of that idiotic Kuno.
Opening one eye, Ryoga raised a brow, "You'll what...?" he wondered, ready to fight if Ranma tried anything.
"I'll tell Akane about your little secret... P-chan." Ranma finished.
Glaring Ryoga stared at him for a second and gritted his teeth, "Y-you wouldn't..."
"Try me, pork-butt!" she exclaimed back, glaring right at him.
Seething in anger, Ryoga slammed his fist down onto the ground and turned his head back to Ranma. "What do we have to do...?"
"I need you to put on a little act for me, but like I said, the moment you say you're not gonna' do it, I'll tell Akane."
"Just spit it out already!"
"Oh, I think I'd be better if I show you tomorrow… but you'll see..." Ranma stated, looking off to the side. She really hated it when things like these had to happen, why did it always come down to weird stuff like this? Although, at this point, she was somewhat used to resorting to these options.
The Next day...
Ryoga's left eye twitched, he couldn't believe he had to do this! The lost boy was actually holding hands with his sworn enemy Ranma! He noticed that some men were staring at them, and even weirder, some seemed to be looking like they wished they were in Ryoga's position! The poor, ignorant souls, if only they knew… if only they knew... In lost boy's opinion, he was the unluckiest man alive right now.
"Are we there yet... I need to go set my hand on fire, after this." Ryoga whiningly stated, closing his eyes.
"Shut up pig breath!... it's not like I'm not happy bout this either." Ranma replied, and then turned to look in front of them. They had finally reached the park; she remembered that Kuno told her to meet him at the place near the cherry blossom trees. From there, she would present her boyfriend for an "inspection" of sorts. Although it was obvious that Kuno was expecting Ranma to come alone, and from there he'd attempt to once again woo his pigtailed goddess.
During the entire stroll, Ryoga had moved with an unpleasant scowl across his face, not once letting it falter. The bandana wearing boy was forced to help Ranma, or risk being exposed to Akane as her favorite pet pig, fate was a cruel mistress. Just how does he get himself into these sorts of problem anyhow? He wondered, though Ryoga would never know, he just wished this torture would end soon.
They knew that they had arrived at their destination, since the wind was gently carrying small cherry blossoms petals that tickled their faces. Ranma leaned closer to Ryoga and wrapped her arms around one of his large arms, in order to further convince Kuno that she indeed had a boyfriend.
This in the end though was just more unpleasant sadism for Ryoga, having the petite girl's arm around him was causing his skin to crawl. Taking a deep, deliberate breath, he tried to calm down his urge to thrash at the red headed. Holding it off, he decoded to just get through this as painless as possible.
From out of the blooming foliage, Kuno stepped forward, revealing himself, "My dearest pigtailed girl, I knew you wouldn't foresak--" Kuno stopped in mid-sentence, before feeling his voice get caught in his throat.
"Look, don't you see Kuno? This is my darling boyfriend, Ryoga!" she exclaimed, once again putting her cutesy acting skills to the test. "Isn't that right, honey?"
"Please, just kill me..." Ryoga stated, before Ranma glared and elbowed his rib. "Ah!" he seethed and gritted his teeth, nodding his head once. "Y-yes... err, darling." he groaned.
The blue thunder wasn't paying much attention, for now he understood- he knew! He could no longer have his beloved pigtailed goddess now!... but- but maybe there was a chance, he had to make sure, just one more step, one more step, and he would leave the pigtailed girl alone, and go pursue Akane Tendo once more.
"I don't wish to place any doubt amongst you two... but this… peasant, must assuredly proclaim his love to you- merely placing a kiss upon your lips will suffice. Then, and only then will I stop." This had to work; it was his ace in the hole. If there was truly nothing between them, he could continue to try and win her affection. Kuno could only hope.
That is where Ryoga had to draw the line, he wasn't- he simply wouldn't kiss his rival, no, his hated enemy! This had to end! "No---" Was as far as He got saying before he was turned around by Ranma and she forced her lips on his. "Mph!"
Ranma had pulled on Ryoga's collar, and brought his lips over to hers, she wasn't going to lose the only chance she had of finally being free from Kuno's constant chasing!... even if that meant swallowing her pride by kissing Ryoga square on the lips.
Kuno's eyes budged, this was it. There was no hope; he had lost the red headed beauty of his dreams. Sullenly turning around, he shut his eyes to hold back the tears, and walked away, slowly fading into the cherry blossoms; you know, to add for dramatic effect.
Ryoga tried his best to push her back in his shocked state, but noticed that she had released their lips herself after five whole seconds. Though disturbingly, he noted that the feeling wasn't entirely bad, Ranma had a pair of soft, warm lips that seemed to easily capture and mold around his perfectly, that fact alone scared the daylights out of him.
"Okay... you're free." Ranma stated, letting go of his collar. Then turning around and heading off herself, she had done it. She had finally gotten rid of Kuno, with that in mind, she raised one hand and waved to Ryoga once. "Your secret is safe with me, pig-boy."
Feeling an odd mixture of confusion, joy, and certainly anger, Ryoga raised his hand and placed the ends of his fingertips to his lips, the feeling was still there. "That… that was different..."
The blue thunder sat down with his legs crossed, contemplating several different things. "I've lost you to another my dearest pigtailed girl... but after some harsh internal debating, I think I finally understand! I believe it all to be another curse by the foul Saotome, in order further keep your love from me!" he exclaimed, rising to his feet.
"Yes… Yes! Hear me! I shall free you from this dreaded affliction of yours, and finally defeat Saotome's newest accomplice! I swear you this!" He exclaimed, with all the drama he could muster. Looking around though, he noticed he was talking to an audience of himself.
"I should have probably said that while someone was around…"
5/21/10: Revised by Franzibald.