Chapter 1
Remus Lupin was everything else than an outgoing man. He was calm and he loved to read, he liked the silence and calm music. He was not a cranky person, yet he liked to be left alone and in peace, he liked to brood in his thoughts, he hated to be disturbed.
... he had.
One day his life had changed completely and the reason was no one else than a bubblegum-pink haired, loud, clumsy, funny, silly ... and sweet and beautiful witch.
Nymphadora Tonks.
Her name alone made him shiver in awe and admiration. She hated her name but he loved it. He secretly thanked her mother for giving her such a perfect, such a fitting name.
She was a nymph.
She could change her looks.
Dora, he called her in his mind. And whenever he thought about his Dora, a warm and gentle feeling spread inside his chest.
She was his personal sun. As soon as he felt alone again, not sure if he should brood over his miserable and sad life again, he only had to think about her and he felt better.
Nymphadora.
A star on his dark sky and a light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.
And of course she didn't notice him. Well, she did, but in a different way he was used to:
More than indifference. More like interest. She seemed to like him and she seemed to like spending time with him.
And it hurt him. It hurt because he liked her more than he should and he knew that she would never return those weird feelings. Never ever.
Thus, spending time with her hurt more than it would have if she had showed indifference towards him.
But then another happening shattered his hope (was it even hope? Maybe it was more like longing) for the beautiful witch to notice him as the man he was, not just the friend.
It happened one day in spring. The order was having a meeting as Tonks came in like a whirlwind, her grin broader than usual and her hair being deep magenta. It was a colour she rarely wore, so it was no surprise that everyone looked at her, wondering what was happening to the youngest member of the order.
Sirius was the first to spoke up, after all she was his cousin and he worried about her. Too much joy and happiness would even kill Tonks (not to mention that she was the niece of Bellatrix Lestrange, normally a tiny bit of true happiness should already kill her).
"No offense, Tonks," he started carefully, "but are you alright?"
Remus observed her and noticed how the roots of her hair turned into a deep dark red.
"Yes, I am. Why?" she asked and Remus could sense that she was excited. He knew her quite well already, considered her a good friend and knew whether she was nervous, excited or just happy.
And right now she was over the moon (Remus scolded himself for thinking of one of his most hated sentences but he couldn't come up with anything else).
"Okay," Sirius said and shrugged it off.
No one else seemed to care besides him.
And Molly.
And said Molly Weasley took the other redhead, though her hair was really red now, not ginger, aside as soon as the meeting was closed.
"Now dish," she said. Only her, Sirius and Remus were left, probably Tonks felt that those three were her closest friends, so she told them.
"Well," she started, not showing a hint of insecurity, "I guess you could say it's official."
Of course Remus had no idea what Tonks was talking about but it had to be something good, at least Molly's "Ohhh, how wonderful!" made him guess so.
"Congratulations," Sirius now said, though he didn't look as happy as Molly.
"Yeah, congrats," Remus said. "What for?"
Tonks turned to him and smiled broadly, Remus immediately felt his heart beat speed up and suddenly he had a hard time to breathe.
She's so gorgeous. She's so amazing. She is so beautiful and she's smiling at me. Oh, Dora. If you only knew how hard this is ...
"I have a boyfriend!" Tonks called out and Remus' heart immediately quit racing. Instead it skipped a few beats and then clenched, almost taking his breath.
"Wow ... that's amazing," he commented quietly.
"Thank you. Let's see if he can bear me." Her little laugh made his heart ache even more. A perfect and wonderful laugh. And then - who couldn't bear her? That one would be mad, no matter what.
"Okay, then," she spoke up and got up from the chair, "Molly, it was a pleasure. I'll gladly come to dinner tomorrow."
"Oh, bring your man along," Molly suggested and then her eyes wandered to Remus. "Do you want to come too?"
Remus was torn. Would he want to see the man who had claimed his sunshine? Yes, but would he want to see them acting with each other?
"I'll think of it, Molly. I might have this ... thing going on."
"Which thing?" Tonks asked curiously and looked at him. "Do you have a date, Remus?"
"No but it's full moon soon," Remus said, not looking at his friend.
"Ohh," Tonks made and Remus could almost hear her mental facepalm. "Sorry. I'm so dumb."
"You aren't," Remus said and now looked at her. His heart was so broken, he was sure she could see it in his eyes. And really, her smile faded as she looked at him.
"Remus," she whispered.
"I'm happy for you," Remus said. "See you soon."
And with those words he left the dining room, followed by Sirius.
"Hey! Moony, wait!"
Remus sprinted upstairs, to the room that he was living in at the moment. Of course he had his own apartment but Sirius had begged him to move in with him, otherwise he would die of loneliness. Buckbeak was not a good chess partner.
Sirius followed his friend to his room and closed the door behind them.
"So, you fancy my cousin."
Remus sighed. "Is it so obvious?"
"Not really. Well, I wasn't sure, I only noticed that you always look at her in a very special way. And you literally always look at her. But after today -"
"I'm so pathetic," Remus sighed and sat down on his bed, which gave a loud creaking noise. "I'm in love ..."
"That's so wonderful," Sirius said and patted his friend's shoulder. "I'm happy for you."
"Didn't you listen before? She's not available -"
"Phew, hogwash!" Sirius called out. "Who would rather date a normal wizard instead of you."
"Everyone?" Remus sighed. "If you didn't know, Sirius, I'm a werewolf."
"That makes it exciting, eh?" There was a spark in Sirius' eyes. "Go to Molly's dinner tomorrow. Check out whom Tonks is bringing along and then tell me everything."
"Okay," Remus sighed. "I will."
"Good boy," Sirius joked and Remus rolled his eyes.
"You're the dog, Padfoot."
Said, done. After going downstairs again, Remus informed Molly that he'd gladly come as well. Sadly Tonks was already gone but he knew he would see her again soon.
***
Andrew Yarrowpod. That was his name. Strange name, strange guy. Remus disliked him immediately and Andrew seemed to dislike him too. Well, he didn't even notice him properly, so Remus couldn't tell if he did. In fact, Andrew didn't seem to notice anyone else besides Tonks.
He only had eyes for her. Not in a sweet and cute in-love-way but more in a possessive, longing way. Remus was clenching his fists everytime he looked at them.
"Ah, 'ello, Molly. Thanks for se invitation," he heard a heavy French accent at the door soon after he had sat down opposite of Tonks and his hopes rose again for a moment. He had already heard that Bill was dating the girl from the Triwizard Tournament but he hadn't met her before. He had only heard that she was beautiful, so he wondered how Andrew would react to her.
Bill and Fleur entered and introduced themselves and now that Remus saw the French woman, he could only agree. She was very beautiful indeed - but she was nothing compared to Tonks, in his eyes.
Yes, Tonks could be way prettier than Fleur Delacour if she wanted to but fact was, for Remus she already was.
That spiky, bubblegum pink hair, those shining, green-blue eyes, that amazing smile that made his heartbeat go faster. Remus hated those feelings, he wished they'd just go away.
Tonks was in a relationship. And even if she wasn't, she would never date him.
He was too old for her. Too poor. And he was a werewolf, so he was too dangerous. He could hurt her.
Remus had to swallow at the thought of hurting his love. No ... he had to stay away from her.
It was good that she had a boyfriend.
Fleur and Bill sat down next to Andrew and Tonks, who started talking immediately. Of course Bill and Tonks already knew each other a bit, back when Tonks had been friends with his brother Charlie, Bill had hung out with them a few times. And now as they introduced their partners to each other, Remus noticed something that made his stomach turn.
Because the second that Andrew had laid his eyes on Fleur, Tonks was non existent to him.
"Can I talk to you for a moment?" Remus said quietly and together with Molly he went outside.
"Are you alright, Remus, dear? You look pale."
"It's full moon soon, Molly," Remus said with a light smile. "But that's not why I was asking you for a word. No, it's about Andrew."
"Oh." Molly's smile vanished and a frown formed on her face. "What an idiot. Tonks better breaks up with him."
"Hm, yes," Remus mumbled. He didn't want to show too many feelings towards the Weasley mother. She would immediately realise what was going on.
"I mean, how dare he staring at Fleur like that while his girlfriend sits right next to him?" Molly shook her head.
"Hm," Remus said again. "Apparently her grandmother was a Veela."
"Well, I don't see you gawking at her like he does," Molly said and looked at Remus with raised eyebrows. "Or like Ron does."
"Well, hm," Remus looked at the floor. "I think if a man honestly loves someone else ... like Arthur. He doesn't seem to care about this, let's call it a spell, either."
"Arthur knows I wouldn't speak to him for weeks if he showed interest in someone else," Molly giggled but then she poked the werewolf. "Now tell me who it is. Do I know her?"
Remus sighed he knew it was senseless, Molly would find out anyway. "Yes ..."
"It's Tonks," Molly answered. It wasn't a question, it was a statement. Remus looked at her in shock.
"How -?"
The redhead laughed. "Honey, it's not as much of a secret as you think."
"Did Sirius-? I'll kill him," Remus muttered but Molly shook her head.
"Oh no. Sirius still avoids talking to me as much as possible. No, dear, I am not blind. She may not notice your looks but I do."
"Oh," Remus said and finally looked at Molly. "What shall I do?"
"Is that a serious question?" Molly asked. "Tell her!"
"Are you insane? She'll laugh at me ..." Remus knew he couldn't do it.
"Do you really think Tonks would laugh at you? Maybe she would show pity ... but laughing at someone is really not her style," Molly tried to convince Remus, who seemed to find that reaction even worse.
"I've had enough people around me pitying me. Not with Tonks, she's straightforward. She always tells me what she thinks." Remus had to smile.
"See? That's good then, she would neither laugh at your nor pity you." Molly tried to help Remus, whose mood couldn't get lifted at the moment.
"Great, that means she would tell me how disgusting I am right into my face."
"You aren't disgusting," Molly sighed. "Just tell her."
Remus didn't answer. And after some minutes of silence Molly went back into the Burrow.
Remus stayed outside, looking at the sky. Looking at the moon.
How could something so beautiful ruin his life every month anew? He started shivering as something cold touched his arm.
He looked left and looked right into these beautiful, green eyes ...
"Aren't you cold?" Tonks asked quietly. "It's January ..."
"I'll be back soon," Remus said and turned his face away. Looking at her hurt too much.
"Molly said you wanted to talk to me," Tonks continued and Remus cursed Molly inside his head.
"Hm, it's not important. It can wait."
"Hey, don't worry. I wanted to get away from Andy for a while anyway."
"What?" Remus said and looked at her, slightly shocked. "Why? Did you notice -?"
"That he's interested in Fleur? Well, who wouldn't? She's perfect, isn't she?"
Tonks' voice sounded bitter, almost jealous. Remus really didn't understand why though.
"You are more -," he started but interrupted himself quickly. "You could be even more perfect," he said instead. "You could look like anything. Besides, nobody really is perfect. That word is relative."
"Hm," Tonks made. "Yeah, sure, I could -"
Remus looked at her while she squeezed her eyes shut. In silence he watched her hair grow long, turn silver-blonde. She opened her eyes.
"How do I look?"
Remus smiled. "Still like you. But with silver hair."
"Damn," Tonks said. "Maybe I should change my face -"
"No," Remus interrupted her. "Nothing is wrong with your face. If Andrew doesn't realise who's next to him, even if there's a Veela opposite, he's not worth it."
Tonks smiled at him. "Talking to you always helps me," she said and suddendly her arms were around him and her chest was pressed against his. She was hugging him tightly while Remus tried to keep a clear mind. "Thank you," she sighed into his ear.
"No problem," Remus muttered. "And now you better let your hair grow back and return ..."
"I think I'll take a leave. Let's see if Andy will follow." Tonks pulled away and suddenly she looked annoyed. "It's a fifty-fifty chance. First, he could follow me because he's possessive and second, he could stay because of Fleur."
"Possessive? What do you mean?" Remus asked in worry.
"He doesn't like it when I talk to other men," Tonks replied and her eyes sparkled in a cheeky way. "Of course that's what I need to do every day. I have male colleagues at work."
"He ... allow me to be honest, he doesn't seem like a good boyfriend," Remus said carefully and Tonks shrugged.
"Whatever. He's only an alibi anyway."
"Wait - what?" Now Remus was confused. "What do you need an alibi for?"
"My parents," Tonks sighed and shook her head. "They've been annoying me for an eternity. They want to know why I don't start dating Charlie Weasley. They love him and they think I do too."
"He's in Romania," Remus said thoughtfully.
"My parents don't think this is an obstacle. And if I'm honest, I agree. Portkeys, apparating ... it wouldn't really be a long-distance-relationship for us. Anyway, I told them I had a boyfriend. And they wanted to meet him. So I started flirting with Andrew. He works at the Ministry and has been staring at me all the time. It was really annoying but later he told me that he was fascinated by me. And I thought dating him wouldn't be a mistake."
"Have you introduced him to your parents yet?" Remus asked. He understood why she had lied to her parents but that whole game of pretending ... he didn't understand that.
"No but I will soon. And after that I'll break up and tell them that he broke up and that I didnt want another boyfriend just now. In that case they'll leave me alone, hopefully."
Remus smiled again. She was amazing. "So you don't love him ..."
Tonks rolled her eyes. "I don't even like him. He's a womanizer. And I think he only likes me because I can change my appearance."
Remus felt relieved. Too relieved. Because, even if Tonks would never choose him, she didn't have a man in her life of whom he had to be jealous. Only a second after thinking it, Remus already mentally slapped himself. Didn't Tonks deserve a good man in her life who didn't endanger her, a man who could give her what she needed? Money, a family?
Remus knew that sooner or later he needed to step back and just be happy for her and therefore he couldn't feel relief because of her breakup with Andrew anymore.
Because he knew he had to keep a distance to her. For her own safety ...
