Can I Lay By Your Side, Next to You?
It is a normal day, the weather brewing outside as snow sweeps past the small window of the door I stand in front of. Every few minutes, the snow slowing down just to speed up once more as the wind blows in through the small crack at the bottom of the door making the tips of my feet freeze in the warmth of the room around me. Shamefully even in blizzard like weather, the school still decides it isn't bad enough to cancel as I shove on the warmest clothes I own on the way to the tortuous bus stop.
Yelling out a quick "goodbye" I start to trudge through the deep of the snow. The wind peaking in through my heavy coat as I shiver at the weather. My white hair poking out and stiffening against my forehead as the wind is too harsh for it. And I don't stop on the walk to the bus stop, which happens to be two blocks away from where me and my family live. Pulling up the scarf around my nose every so often as the tip of it starts to get cold, and the weather making it harder and harder to breathe. I somehow still make it on time to that same and most times broken down old school bus. As the doors chime when they open and everyone walking up the same grey stairs to a spot.
And the only thing about riding the bus, is my best friend Kibum rides it. There he sits like always in the back waving his arm around vigorously to let me know where he is, but I always know anyway. Smiling I make my way back to him, like the tortuous weather is worth it to see him. My best friend, the person who has stood by me in times when I feel like I have no one else, Kibum never left. And that is the reason why I love him.
"Kibum," I say energetically as I sit down beside him in a small hug.
"Hi Jonghee, man its only November and the weather is like this," laughs Kibum staring out the window.
Truthfully, it is in the second week of November and the blizzards have already started. And for Kibum, it has never possesses a problem for him, however for me it always is. And Kibum always notices since day one. And he slides his arm around me and bringing me close to him to cuddle up into his side for warmth. And I can never tell if I feel warmer because of the extra heat around me, or if its because Kibum is right next to me. But as long as he is always right here next to me, I could care less to figure out which answer it truly is.
With the loud screech of the breaks from the cold, the bus comes to a halt reaching the school. And it always sucks riding on a bus warm for ten to fifteen minutes and then run into the school to try and warm up once more. But like every day, I have Kibum right next to me as we run inside, laughing his contagious laugh and smiling his eye dropping smile. He always looks perfect, he always has. Nothing about this boy since day one has ever been imperfect and I always look up to him, even now with his adorable light purple hair.
"Come on Jonghee," he grabs my hand forcing me to the line for breakfast.
A normal action of hand holding that sends my heart aflame. His soft hand with its delicate grip on mine. It's like our hands were meant to be like this, together. His fingers shaping mine well, and curving around the rather small of my hand. Even to his hands, this boy is perfect. Standing behind him, it's easy to slot my head on his shoulder. Like his height just stopping just for us to be able to be in this moment.
"You're more affection today," he jokes with his normal smile.
Truth be told, the weather made me feel god awful. The shiver in my bones, the run of my nose as my head started to gain a light pound from the sickness to this cursing weather I am getting. But here I am, with Kibum and I feel as if I haven't been sick to begin with.
"Catching a cold," is my only comment. Only Kibum can understand my cuddly nature in this type of weather.
All I answer is with a nod as as we keep moving forward in the line. His hand never once letting go of mine as my head barely leaves his shoulder. It takes more effort, but I would rather go through that then leave in the moment with Kibum. It's when we sit down, he finally sits on a chair with me putting an arm around me. Slotting my head on his chest as the warmness of the room surrounds us. Small sniffles and coughs escape every so often as I smile shyly up to him.
Closing my eyes, I can feel the tug of sleep wanting to take over. And I would almost allow it, if I didn't have my first class in thirty minutes. Being able to go to sleep with Kibum here is a dream come true. But at the same time, I don't get a lot of moments like this with him. Especially because he is always horsing around with his buddy Minho, or sassing off to his younger brother Taemin. Its surely a process.
"Hi lovebirds," speaking of demon number one, Taemin.
Prancing around his purple hair bounces with him as he sits down in the closest seat to me. Knowing very well he will receive torment if he sits closer to Kibum. The younger has just found the weaker spot to work at, and shamefully it is me.
When it comes to Taemin, he is all of our younger brother, in a way. We four have been best friends long enough to consider each other family. And I do consider Taemin and Minho family, however with my crush on Kibum it feels weird to consider him family.
"Hi Minnie," snorts Kibum.
"And Jonghee doesn't feel good," he moves some hair briskly out of my eyes just for it to fall back.
"Sorry Jonghyunnie. I hope you feel better," he gives me a knowing smile. This one, tends to think too much into literally everything. And I sometimes hate him for it.
"What happened?" In walks Minho. Our other annoying being. If Taemin is bad about tormenting us, Minho is worse.
"Jonghyunnie doesn't feel good," comments Taemin with a knowing smile up at Minho.
"Oh," Minho tries to hide his smile, "is that so?"
"Stop it you two, I can see the wheels in both ya minds trying to click," comments Kibum, "Jonghyunnie is like a brother to me, so stop with the whole 'thinking we are together' thing."
A pain, a sting is an underestimate of how much his words hurt my chest. A small pounding in my heart can't stop at his words. It feels like, he truly means the words. Shattering the inside of my heart. But I have to stay strong right now. He can't ever know the feelings I have been progressing for him through all of this time. No, never. Because it would destroy everything we are now. If I have to, I will be willing to be what I am right now with Kibum, if this is the only way he can ever be mine.
"Ok, sorry Key," mumbles Minho under his breathe. Sending a small sympathetic smile my way. Almost like he can understand what I truly feel. I doubt he really does though.
Because no one can.
The bell chimes through the room to signal the end of breakfast and time to start the day. The scrambling of students who just came and everyone making it to their lockers like every other morning. Snow littering the hallway, with dirt tracks following with it. The ground ending up with a slick to it. Like any other snowy day ot rainy day. And shamefully if it isn't for Kibum or Taemin, I slip and slide and almost fall.
Because right when I start even slipping a little. One grabs my arm and helps me to the safety of my locker. A smile makes it's way to my face as a way of thank you. And I use my locker as leverage to keep myself from falling. Grabbing textbooks into my string bag, and changing the notes on my White board, I get ready for the morning class; history. Yawning as the sleep never really leaves my eyes as I go to my first class of the day.
Sitting in the front row, isn't something I ever want to do. But shamefully the teacher thinks its clever to put me in the front, but at least by the window. Staring out as the snow still brushes down in a snow like storm refusing to slow down. A small breeze blowing it's way through the classroom as I want to do anything to be right beside Kibum.
Then, that's when his words from earlier pierce my brain and heart. Just friends, he only sees me as his brother. He won't ever be able to see me in the way like I see him. Cuddling up to him on a couch, kisses being shared under the warmth of a blanket or by a fireplace.
Shamefully, it is all just a fairy-tale, an imagination of everything I want and more. To nights being able to be cuddling up to the one person I love the most. Like is such a weak word to use for such a person I have the most fond of. The bell of class being over with chiming through the halls, signaling everyone to go to their next class. Standing up and grabbing my stuff my brain can never let go of the words Kibum modulate to Taemin and Minho. It threatens my brain as my brain tries to backfire any type of action to make the words any less true, shamefully it couldn't.
Kibum always treats me like a brother, and for the longest time I have never been less thankful for the friendship he can show to me. But at times, maybe fondness can go a little too far and feelings can arise very commonly. The simply touches and cuddles can burn a want so bad that nothing else can subside it. A small kiss on a head, which would mean nothing, could mean so much more. It's like he wants this to happen almost like, but knowing Kibum he doesn't understand feelings to that personal degree of a level.
Going through the rest of my day never feels so difficult, the words etching their way into my brain so deep they echo. The school work never seeming so boring and not abiding the mind to do it. Even when lunch came around, and I sat next to Taemin, words never wanting to escape my lips to say to him. But something in my mind told me, he understands something more than what I thought he did.
"You ok Jonghyunnie," he asks looking up from his potato bowl.
Picking at mine with my spork, I shrug at his words not being able to mutter a word. Not once picking up the disgusting looking food and plopping it onto my tongue. The school food never feels more distasteful than right in this very moment.
"I know something upset you hyung, and I won't push you on it. But if you want to talk about it, I am always here," his words ring through my mind. Taemin is the better one of him and Minho. He may tease me and Kibum, but at least he understands a limit. And you can't really be mad at the boy, he has this child-like innocence that never allows you to truly be able to be mad. It's something about the way he is.
A small smile tugs to my lips at the said boys statement as I try to play out the rest of lunch a little happier because of him. As me and him walk back to our classes, I give a hug to the boy, hoping it helps him in someway, like how he helps me.
During the last class of the day, I know I have to meet up with Kibum after this. Usually the air is never awkward, It's Kibum after all, he can somehow never have an awkward moment with someone. Even when it comes to shipping with his best friend he sees like a brother. I sometimes question how he is just so good at letting things fly over his head like that. Unlike me who has been contemplating the statements said all day. I'm not necessarily sure if it is a good thing or not. But I don't have much more time to think on it as I walk out of my last class with Kibum waiting at the door like any other day, a smile placing delicately on his lips as I make my way over to him.
"Hi Jonghee," he smiles.
"Hi Key," I smile shyly back in return as he rumples with my locks of hair.
The way to the bus like always is silent, words are usually never really needed anyway. Through the silence, is comfortable as long as I have Kibum next to my side. As cliché as it always sounds. The cold weather of the classroom nips at us as we wait patiently for the bus to show up. The loud talks of everyone around us and hoots and howlers of others playing board games. And there's just us, silent.
"Hey Jonghee," he asks out of the blue. I release a small hum in reply to let him know I'm listening.
"Can I come over after school today?" Playing with some fallen pieces of my hair.
Quickly I pull out my phone to text my mom, already knowing the answer before hand. She loves Key, and she always has.
Hey mom, is it ok if Key comes over today?
Of course darling
A small smile plays as I show Kibum the answer from my mom. Although, I think both of us already know the answer before it was said. When the buses finally show up, the snow outside stopping and now it was blowing of the artic air. The snow covering the ground in thick piles everywhere. Making our way to the bus in quick and careful steps to get in the somewhat warm compact area.
Frost nipping at my nose and hands as Kibum and I make our way to the back like any other normal day. Putting our backpacks by the window and cozening up together in our thick coats to try and stay warm. But of course for Kibum this weather means nothing to him really.
The small bumps from the bus bounces us up a little as we listen to whatever song Kibum plays off his phone. My head never leaving the spot from his shoulder as I watch the fast pace of the moving bus and the white fluff of snow going past my eyes. The brightness pressing a problem as I close my eyes from the small headache the white snow was causing. The song slightly luring me to sleep.
"Jonghee," whispers Kibum and a small move of my shoulder.
I wake up looking around to see the bus getting ready to stop at our stop. Other students hurrying up to make their leave off the cursing bus and I make my leave very slowly over my awakening so soon to be moving. But a last I make it off the bus safely and with Kibum following behind as we make our way to my house. The snow pressing under our shoes as we continue on the sidewalk.
Making our way inside, the warmth wraps around us as the door to the outside harsh weather is shut off. The yell of hello from my mom as we make our way inside. Her sitting on the couch of the front room working on whatever work she is, her glasses shaping her face.
"Hi Jjong. How was school sweetie," she takes a minute absent from her laptop sitting pliantly on her lap.
"It was good mom, how was your day?" I ask walking up to her giving her a hug. And behind me, Key doing the same.
"Hi Key sweetie. Staying for dinner?" She asks.
"Of course," he smiles his adorable smile to her.
"Ok boys, dinner will be done soon, so go start your homework and I'll call you both in," she states going back to her work.
"Eye eye," I state walking into the warmth of my room.
A soft play of music surrounding us as we continue whatever homework our grumpy teachers give to us. Small comments balance between the both of us after certain things. But still a full conversation never once mellowing through us. Even when we finish the god for shaken homework and starting playing some video games. Well, more of Kibum playing Until Dawn and me reacting to all the scene. More like, me jumping and hiding into the hoodie of Kibums and him laughing. But it is nice to be able to spend the time with Kibum, even if its him being obsessed with my old game and me just watching. Like everything else, I don't have a problem of just watching him play while I sit on the side lines. But the small comments he would make with his contagious laughter always made it better.
When we hear the yell of mom dinner is done, the game is on a hault as we make our way to her. A delicious dinner of chicken sitting at the table as mom has her normal soft smile toward me and Kibum. She will always be this way, and I hope she never changes.
"How was your day boys?" She looks up from her dinner to look at us.
"Mine was pretty good momma," I smile up at her.
"I had a good day as well, as long as Jonghee is always beside me," he smiles side hugging me.
A small blush threatens to take over my face. Both of our families "ship us" for years. I know the day I confessed my crush to my mom about liking Kibum, she said it to me. She can't see me or Kibum with anyone else but each other. Because we have been by each others side for that long. He was one of the first few people I met when I was little. He was my first ever best friend, and he ends up being my first ever crush. His smile is one of the first thing I remember when I was little. The way his eyes crinkled as his awkward smile filled his cute plumpy lips. His adorable small little laugh that goes with his sarcastic little comments.
Kibum has always been perfect in my eyes since I was little.
"You ok Jjong?" Mom asks me.
Nodding my head out of my inner thoughts I smile at her. As Kibum and I get up to help mom clean up before Kibum's mom makes her way to come and pick up Kibum for school tomorrow. Its almost a normal daily routine; Kibum comes over, we hang out and do our homework, his mom comes over to pick him up and spends almost an hour talking to my mom. Spending the time of me washing the dishes and him rinsing them. No conversation being done during the entire process.
"Ok mom chores are done we are going back to video games until Keys mom gets here," I inform very loudly from the way to my room.
Going back to the video game, with my head on the shoulder of Kibum's. Kibum's eyes never left the screen as my head got heavier on Kibum's shoulder. My eyes fluttering closed no matter the amount of lights flashing in my eyes. Feeling something soft touch my head is the only thing that keeps me barely awake.
The soft flutters of my eye lashes touching the soft of my skin. Opening my eyes a little more, the same heaviness of the same underneath my head tells me Kibum still hasn't left my house yet. He still sitting beside me, his feet crossed with the remote placed in his hands. Some scene going on the screen in front of us. Shamefully I'm not sure what it is as I'm not directly sure how long I have been asleep for.
"Key," I yawn awake.
"Yes Jonghee?" He falters his eyes down to me for a split moment.
"Your mom not here yet?" I ask in a small voice.
"No, she texted me a little while ago saying she's going to be here in like half an hour," he answers.
Nodding my head with a yawn, I curl closer to Kibum slightly cold. The coldness of the room surrounded me as a small wisp of wind blowing from the window. The dim light of my room's light, with the dark color of the sky lightly pulling in from the drapes of my window.
"Key, I'm tired," I whine quietly.
"Then go back to sleep," he comments in his normal sarcasm.
Stretching my legs out, I try to curl up closer to him. The cold weather still nipping at me even in the long sleeves I am wearing.
"I can't, I'm cold," I whine out in my normal voice. Something that I know Kibum will never been able to deny.
I could hear him sigh, as he removes one of his hands from the remote wrapping it around me. And after placing it back on the remote to finish whatever scene on the game he was currently on.
Kibum always shows a soft spot towards me. He always has since we were little and I always got sick. He would kiss my head and comfort me. Even when tears strolled down my face, he somehow always made the tears stop with soft kisses on my cheeks. And somehow even when tears run down my face, he can make the smiles find their way to my face. A small laugh filling the void of the sadness I once felt. I stay next to him when he cry, when he laughed. When he has no one else like me, I never once left. I didn't even think to leave, never once when he had no one else. He cried to me those days, begging me to not leave. I promised I would never leave his side. Kibum, then met Minho and Taemin. I thought for a moment, I was done for. But the next day he introduced me to both of the boys, and I ended up loving to have the other two around.
However, one thing seemed to start after some time. The two noticed the weird behavior me and Kibum have had. Its something me and him have always been like. But the two thought the kisses were more than friendly, the hugs were more loving. Everything to them seem more, and that's when the actions dawn on me to be more than what I thought they were. The once friendly actions never made my heart skip a beat, to see a smile on his face to cause a smile on my own. The kisses never made me wish he could place them on my lips, the hugs never made me wish to share them under a blanket together. The once friendly dates to turn more lovingly, curled up together at the movies sharing popcorn and a drink with stars in both of our eyes.
Shamefully, its only a want, and not a reality I have.
"Are you still awake Jonghee," asks Kibum in a very quiet voice.
"Yeah," I say in my quiet and soft voice.
"Mom texted me and said she is here. But we both know how that'll work. She will be here conversating with your mom for the next hour," Kibum chuckles at the end of his words.
"Ok, and?" I ask looking up to his see the side profile of his jaw.
"Get up so I can turn the game off," He pokes my forehead.
It's when I finally notice the once arm around me is gone. The comfort of his heat sharing with me. It causes a small smile to place its way on my lips, wanting the moment to with him to last forever. Sitting up never despising me the most as I move away from the arm of my best friend. Him turning off the console and putting away the accessories of my device. That's another amazing thing about Kibum; he never leaves a mess any place he was at. And well, quite frankly I am different than him in that way.
"Come on Jonghee," he grabs my hand. A normal action again anyone else would shrug off. But no, not me, my heart has to do this skip a beat thing.
And we go out into the front room where still sat our moms. Still laughing on the couch and too comfortable to look like they are going anywhere anytime soon. Sitting in the giant chair beside them. I sit on Kibum's lap comfortable with his arms around me. Nuzzling my nose into his neck breathing in his intoxicating smell and feeling the warmth he shares. Feeling my eyes get tired, it has to be the weather depression in me that keeps making me almost fall asleep every moment I get. And luckily for me, Kibum understands it. So he just plays with my hair, my eyes slotting shut again. With once again, a soft kiss finds it's way to my forehead.
"Jonghee," whispers none other than Kibum.
With a small whine, my eyes flash opening trying to get use to the brightness of the room around me. Trying to stretch in the bounds of my best friends arms never seemed to be more difficult. I look over to see the soft look of my mom and the almost knowing look on his moms, but the bright smile that follows it tells me she accepts. And I almost panic, Kibum never usually let's affection be shown around our moms, not because of anything bad. But our parents would be as bad as our best friends. And the looks I am receiving from our families already tell me, it won't be good in the almost best way possible.
"Key honey it's time to go home," Kibum's mom smiles at me as I move off the said boys lap.
With a small hug being shared between us and the goodbyes of our families my mom turns to me.
"So, you and Key are getting pretty comfortable as of lately," she says in a teasing tone.
"Mom you know how he sees me," I whine out like a child," I'm going to take a shower mama."
The hot water running from the nuzzle, the steam sticking around me is comforting. Allowing my inner thoughts to finally allow them to explode. Truth be told, the best thinking is always done in the shower. And I'm not one to say its stupid. And when it's time for the water to stop running and the heat to escape is when I throw on some cloths to see mom still sitting on the couch with a drama on the tv.
"Still honey, one day I think you should confess to him he might like you back," she gives me a soft look one that sparkles her eyes.
And I sigh, I wish it isn't something I haven't thought of a million times. The thought always seems to burn me, of wanting to tell him in hopes he likes me back, but there will always be a small part of me that tells me he won't. And that is the side I always choose to listen to.
"I know mama, and I promise one day I will goodnight," I kiss her cheek offer some type of conclusion for one night.
Like any other night, the wind blowing past my window, and the radio low listening to whatever dopy song about love they decide to play. The darkness of the ceiling staring at me, as I try to map out any picture on it to come up with any conclusion. However, it still seems to not work. Maybe one day it will. The same song by Shawn Mendes finding it's way on the radio makes me sigh. Maybe, just one day Kibum will wake up, and he will see me. In a light like I see him, and one day he will be the one to confidently tell me. Because everyone on the face of the world knows I can never tell him. Even the thought of it burns through my skull and almost through my stomach almost making me want to curl at the thought of it, and the bad it could have.
Closing my eyes, I see his face, his sassy but adorable face. Full of laughter and radiating smiles with his arms wrapped around me cozily. Small kisses finding their way to my lips with the sparkle in his eyes. The warmth of his eyes fill my darkening state of room and eyes. His floppy hair finding it's way to his eyes like any normal day at school and him trying to dorkily move it and making his nose twitch in an adorable bunny-like way. Its always like this, seeing him in him in my dreams is the only way I can fall asleep.
Word Count: 5,007 words