My Pillar, My Beacon

Chapter 11

Damned if I can remember. It seemed to be her answer to everything. She'd spent so long following her instincts, throwing caution to the wind, that she didn't recall when she'd ever done something without that. Swoop race? Nothing about that seemed beyond her grasp, it felt exactly like the first time she'd sat with a side deck in her hands and let her fingers do the work for her. But how long could she just keep reacting, instead of thinking? Why didn't things fall back together again? Was it always going to be like this, things just out of her grasp, a fingertip away from her?

I need a vacation. Time to put her pieces back in their correct places, time to contemplate, to turn over the stones in her soul, in her memories, and see what slimy things lived beneath them. But it seemed like that was a luxury forever denied to her.

Why am I here? Because here was where she was supposed to be at that moment. That seemed right and true. It was fixed in place, an anchor point for her scattered existence.

Alone. That was an immense ache, one that grated where the doubts didn't. She wasn't used to this. It wasn't how she was supposed to be. She wasn't the person who fed off of false friendships, but she wanted...needed... someone who was true. Just as...

No. Not allowed to see that. It had been torn away from her, or had she been the one to tear it out of herself? Was she simply protecting herself from the memory? Wrapping up pain in a capsule of denial? Distance? I want...

As if he'd heard it, as if she'd stated it aloud, Carth's level brown eyes landed on her face. You. But he was definitely wrapping up pain, he'd been more than straightforward about that. Was she such a piece of work that she'd chase him? Ignore his pain, push her own agenda? Be that selfish?

You've done it before.

And learned nothing for it? What was the point of making mistakes if she hadn't learned from them? Even if she didn't quite remember...

He sighed, gazing down at her for a long moment, before cautiously lifting a hand towards her. She froze, staring into his eyes, while he combed his fingers into the hair above her ear. His expression was torn, the war in his heart plain upon his face. Tell him no. Step back.

I can't. I won't. I want him.

You destroy everything you want.

I can't go through this alone. They can't expect me to.

Who are they?

His lips were warm against hers, as he used the hand on her temple to steady her. He wrapped the other arm around her shoulder, and it was as if a dam broke within him. Desperation, pent up desire erupting, as if he'd finally given himself permission to move on them. His kisses were deep, once convinced, he was obviously more than serious, hand moving from her hair when she twined her arms around his neck and arched into him. His freed hand rode easily on the swell of her ass, pulling her closely into him. It was fantastic, wonderful...this was what she had been missing. She wanted it all... just not in a hallway outside of a cantina, being smirked at by the bouncer.

"Hey." She mumbled against Carth's lips, and he opened stunned eyes in answer. "We should get a room."

"A room? Right. A room." He stepped back, adjusting his trousers and sending the bouncer an attempt at a glare. The bouncer's widening grin made that it all too clear that it failed miserably.

"We got a room for ya." The bouncer laughed, and for one horrible moment, Sarah was afraid that was enough to kill Carth's impetus. Surely he wouldn't rethink it now that he'd come up for air? Not now, with the taste of him on her lips, the smell of him deep in her nostrils?I am going to kill your ass for that... Carth's sheepish glare had not been enough to faze the bouncer, but hers was enough to cast doubt across the smirk.

"Seriously. We have rooms, and unless you've got somewhere else, they're as good as anything else around here."

She flicked a glance at Carth, before shrugging. They didn't have many options, returning to their original apartment would mean running the Sith gauntlet, and that was risky. Then they'd just have to turn around and run it again. No, it was smarter to just stay put, down here. And if they did that, then they'd need a place to stay. "Right." Carth gave her a lopsided grin, returning to the cantina. She followed in his wake, almost afraid to breathe. It had just been a split moment of weakness, now that he'd time to step back, rethink it...

He got the key for a room, turning it over in his fingers before heading resolutely towards the hallway and opening the door for her. He stepped in behind her, shedding his orange jacket immediately and casting it haphazardly onto the floor. Any doubts as to his intentions vanished, he barely got the door closed before he had a hold of her again. It was joy to be laid down on the bed, overshadowed by his bulk... she'd never liked them small. His weight, his smell...the feeling of his lips, his teeth, his hands. Fingers matching the challenge of getting her shirt opened, his face buried in the curve of her neck. "Are you sure about this?" He asked, his voice ragged against her ear.

"Absolutely." ...there is only passion.

He'd gotten her shirt completely open, and the compression bra underneath unclasped, sliding it away and resting his hands on her breasts. His expression was stilled, thoughtful, almost awed, and she remained silent, only arching slightly to push herself further into his grasp. If he wanted to slow things down, take it easy, she was just fine with that.

"You're beautiful." He breathed, running his thumbs across her hardening nipples, chuckling as they tightened fully, riding high and pink on her small breasts. "Sarah, it's been awhile. I just wanted to let you know that..."

"Fairly certain it's been awhile here as well, but it's not like it's anything you forget how to do." She wrapped her fingers in his shirt, giving it a tug to free it from his pants. He took the hint, shucking it and tossing it to keep company with his jacket in the corner.

"I want to see you." He said, and she almost chuckled...he'd seen her already. She knew it, he knew it, but that had been entirely different. She understood he'd kept that professional, distant, this was hardly the same. But again, if this was how he wanted it, she was more than willing to give it to him. It was better than shame, better than a quick and dirty roll in the sheets. She stood, letting her pants fall and stepping out of them.

"Well, Captain Onasi?" She demanded, planting a fist in the curve of her hip and shooting him a smoky, over the top seductive stare.

That got him to laugh outright, a full, wonderful sound and she smiled back in answer. A good man. A decent man.

You broke the last one of those you had...

Oh, no. She was not going to listen, not now, not here. This was not wrong. It was not bad. It just was. She needed it, and she sensed the same coming back from him.

"Very nice indeed." He granted, standing beside her. He paused slightly before he unbuckled his belt, unsnapped his pants, and let them drop as well. She knew pretty much what she was getting, and was not disappointed. He was in good shape, considering what he was, and he possessed a delightful ass. He wasn't half bad in the front, either, thick and throbbing when she wrapped her fingers around his width. Warm. Alive. And utterly fixated on her, her motions, the slide of her fingertips up his erection. She had always loved the moment when she became the center of the universe, where her every breath was noticed, when her proximity was entrancing, derailing. She wrapped her arms around his neck, exulting in the velvet of his skin, the increase of his breathing, his pulse. Even his smell, the insistent butt of his penis against her belly...trapped there. His expression had faded into blankness, his hands on her hips, rocking slightly to begin the thrusting urge hardwired into him. It was simple to stand on his foot, on her tip toes, one leg hiked up around his waist and to lower herself slightly...not to give him what he yearned for, entrance, but to wrap her labia around him. She dropped the leg, tippity toed on his feet, the length of her wetness wrapped along the top of him.

"Shhhhhhhh..." He groaned, his grip spasming on her hips, his eyes hidden behind the fall of his forelock. "Sarah!"

"I know. You want in."

"Of course I want in, you damned tease!" He moved his hands down, grasping her by the ass, and hiked her up...carrying her the meter to the bed and resting her back down on it. "And I know you're ready."

That went without saying, from the moment she'd realized this had the possibility of going somewhere, she'd been wet. Now that it had definitely gone somewhere, and was going even farther, she was more than wet. She arched, pleased under his gaze, cupping a breast in one hand, spreading her own thighs with the other. Yup...definitely, wet and swollen, open to his eyes. "Carth..."

He knelt between her thighs, his gaze hooded as he took in the sight. His fingers were gentle when he reached out and rested them against the ones she was using to hold herself open with. He took the hand, lifting it up, and it was Sarah's turn to be transfixed by his motions. He rested it, palm first, against his face, his eyes closed, taking a deep breath...a deep draft of her scent. "Mmmm." He chuckled, resting his hands on either side of her opening, her clit captured between his thumbs. "I like how you say my name."

"Carth." It ended with a moan when he massaged with his thumbs, pulling slightly towards himself, then back towards her, pressing the throbbing flesh gently against its bone foundation. "Who's the tease now?" She managed, and he gave her a smile in answer.

"Tease?" He asked, pressing the head of his cock against her, holding himself steady before he entered in a deep, decisive thrust. It was wonderful, the ragged rush of a nearly immediate orgasm, breathless and driving. All she wanted to do was wrap her knees around his hips, relax, and let him go. And that's exactly what she did.

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