Tuesday May 19 2015

Hello hello journal.

I’m okay. I’m strong. I’ll deal with not seeing Seunghyun for a while even though I already miss him a lot. He has found a home. He has found his memory back. Now he is not T.O.P, second subject of the first generation of boy-soldiers anymore. He is just Choi Seunghyun, son of Choi Man-Shik and Choi Myung, born on November 4, 1993 in Ansung. He is a very clever, funny boy and the most adorable man on the planet.

During breakfast, as none of the three of us would say a word at first, Kwon and Mum kept trying to engage us into conversation. So we kept talking about anything but today’s program. Yet our faces, at least Seunghyun’s and Seungri’s, would show other emotions than our tone.

Once we all got in the car, as we were heading to Ansung again, Seungri kept saying how sorry he was and tried to convince us to turn back and go back home. His guilty attitude was cute at first but after an hour, as we kept driving closer and closer to Seunghyun’s city, it was more and more useless and his whining was getting annoying. So much so that Seunghyun even started beat-boxing as to cover Seungri’s voice and make it sound like he was rapping his protests which, I must admit, sounded pretty funny ^^ I started rapping along and the maknae, in defeat, joined me and the three of us went on as I tried to find my way in the city.

However, as Seungri and I were still improvising, the closer we got to the street of the orphanage, the quieter Seunghyun became. After a while, he had completely turned towards his window, scanning everything outside, barely blinking. He didn’t even notice when I took his hand and asked him if he was okay. When I stopped the car a few streets away from the building and we opened our doors, as I turned towards him, I saw he had his cold blank face again. We walked together towards his orphanage without a word. I tried to do small talk with him, commenting about the beauty of the streets and the weather just to get a reaction from him… All he did was barely nodding or grumbling monosyllabic answers. I saw Seungri stay behind him for some reason. He looked strangely determined and focused on his hyung. Suddenly, when the building was fully in our field of vision, Seunghyun froze for a second, then turned back and started dashing in the other direction. Luckily Seungri was there to catch him. As he was now struggling in the maknae’s arms, he suddenly grasped his hair, which made him scream, then planted his eyes on his. Thinking fast, I instinctively rushed towards them both and covered Seunghyun’s eyes with my palms, hugging him from behind like I would to a terrified animal. As he tried to shake us both off, he pushed Seungri hard and turned to try to hit me. In the blink of an eye, I brought my arms to my face for protection and Seungri quickly moved to stand between him and me. As he was about to throw a punch, Seunghyun froze and the three of us stood in our positions, immobile. He then unclenched his fist, ran towards me and took me in his arms.

“It’s gonna be harder than I thought.” he whispered against my shoulder.

I shushed him reassuringly and he tightened his hold on me. Even Seungri tried to comfort him by patting his shoulder, even though he kept his arm extended at maximum in case he’d try to throw a punch again.

Seunghyun didn’t let go of my hand as I talked to the receptionist through the gate, then talked to them in person. As one of them guided the second one through the archives of former residents, they both mumbled to one another as they seemed to be unable to find the file. I myself was starting to have doubts: were we in the wrong city? We obviously couldn’t, judging by Seunghyun’s reaction and the name on the document from the lab. Then why wasn’t his file there? As both young ladies were beginning to panic, they called a third member who explained to me with a bright smile that they were still in the photocopy room since someone had come about an hour ago to collect Seunghyun’s file as well as any documented trace of him: every report card, every list in which his name appeared, every teacher’s note about him, every the drawings he made as a kid were gone! I felt myself pale and couldn’t believe my ears. When I asked the three of them who asked for these documents, they said it was confidential. Of course it was... I took Seunghyun by the hand and, as Seungri followed, the three of us left the building.

When Seungri asked us what was going on, surprised, I looked at Seunghyun who was now frowning, deep in thoughts. I knew he was thinking the same as me. It didn’t matter whether these documents were copied and not stolen: somebody else was looking for him; someone who probably knew about our plan; somebody who would probably go after Seunghyun once we left him at the orphanage. And we knew too well who that “somebody” could be.

“We can’t leave you there anymore.” I said and Seunghyun nodded. “I guess the guy who took your file is still around. Let’s look for him.”

The three of us went back to the car. As I started the engine and we drove through the streets, I saw the silhouette of a tall, slim man carrying a thick dossier in his arm, going out of a café. When I pointed at him to the boys, they got out of the car and I followed them. I walked towards the man with both boys behind me and tapped him on the shoulder lightly. When he turned, the first thing that struck me was how old and weary he looked. Though he was probably in his mid-thirties, his face looked at least ten years older; it was pale with dark circles under the eyes and his cheeks were lightly emaciated. Just like every time our weird group would talk to strangers, his attitude went from polite annoyance to surprise as he lightly stepped back and tightened his grip on the dossier he was carrying. However, he then looked at the three of us more closely, especially Seunghyun. As I glanced at the dossier, I recognized Seunghyun’s name written in hangul on the side.

“You came.” the man breathed out with a smile. “Finally. I don’t have to look for you anymore.”

He looked particularly relieved to say it. Yet the four of us stood where we were.

“Who are you?” I asked him, reminding him of my presence as I was still facing him.

The man looked surprised to hear me speak Korean. He didn’t answer right away as if something was wrong, then turned towards Seunghyun again with a serious look.

“You mean you don’t recognize me?”

I turned at Seunghyun and saw he was looking at the man right in the eyes with an intense look. The man’s expression changed again and his voice went sterner:

“Or maybe you do recognize me. You just haven’t forgiven us yet. That’s the most logical explanation.”

“I have absolutely no idea of who you are.” Seunghyun assured him, his voice sounding strangely close to the man’s own.

I couldn’t tell whether he was lying or not. Plus I was confused. If he belonged to the lab like I thought he did, why would he ask him to forgive him?

“We had no choice, ok?” the man went on. “We did what we could! We took a decision. It was tough because you were still a baby but we thought it was for the greater good. We didn’t live so happily afterwards, trust me. We still regret it today.”

“The hell I hope you do!” I exclaimed with my arms crossed on my chest.

However, as I was about to go on, Seunghyun stopped me with a gesture of the hand without breaking eye contact with the stranger. Did that mean the man’s face rang a bell after all?

“Come with me.” the man said, extending his hand towards him. “We don’t have much time.”

Seunghyun didn’t answer. He seemed to hesitate, which made me worry.

“And what if he says no?” Seungri asked and took a step forward.

As the three of us were staring right at him, for a second, the man looked even more tired, as if the weight of the dossier was enough to suck him dry of his last energy. Then his face toughened up and he glared at Seunghyun.

“Then I won’t hesitate to force you, dongsaeng.” he said and shoved a hand in his coat pocket.

In the blink of an eye, Seungri lunged at him and seized his wrist, his free hand balled in a tight fist aimed at his opponent’s face.

“Would you?” Seungri asked softly, his eyes shooting fire at the man and his grip on him so tight his joints were whitened.

Though the man was obviously in pain, he tried to keep a straight face as he was now looking directly at Seungri.

“Let go of me, kid. It’s none of your business. Whether he wants it or not, it’s his duty to go see his father!” he exclaimed, pulling a crumpled picture out of his coat pocket and holding it in front of Seungri’s face.

The maknae looked at it, amazed, as he then handed it to me and Seunghyun. It was the photo of a family of five, all boys, and a fat middle-aged man holding the youngest in his arms. I recognized Seuhyun’s features in the four-year-old grinning mischievously at the camera with a missing tooth and a peace sign. I also looked at the man’s face and saw he was the oldest of the three others in the picture. I assumed the one holding the camera was Seunghyun’s mum. There was a second picture of both her and Seunghyun’s dad holding each other tenderly with his mum showing the same cheeky smile as Seunghyun and his dad smiling politely and looking straight at the camera, obviously trying as hard as he could not to look awkward.

“He’s very sick.” the man said. “The doctors gave him three weeks at max. You should go see him while you still can. He wants to see you at all cost, even if it means sending me to the other side of the globe to get you.”

I looked straight at Seunghyun. He seemed more hesitant than ever. He glanced at the man, then me, then nodded without a word. When I asked the man where their home was, he said it was outside of the city, in a small village. Seungri suggested we took the car and we all agreed. However, as we all got in, Seunghyun and the man were the last to follow us as the man turned and extended a hand towards him.

“Come on, little brother.” he said.

Seunghyun stayed silent as he did what he was told, ignoring the man’s hand as he sat in the back reluctantly, ignoring the maknae trying to make him laugh. I felt bad to let the older man sit in the front-seat with me, even though I had no choice since I needed directions. Looking in the rearview mirror from time to time, I saw Seunghyun keep his eyes hidden behind his hair, so tensed the atmosphere seemed harder to breathe by the second in the small car.

We went across a lot of empty streets, corners and crossroads which led us further away from the city center and from the orphanage. We finally arrived to some village with large fields of onions, leeks or whatever, on each side of the road. We then finally arrived to a big traditional farmhouse with a grayish blue roof supported by pillars on the edges and narrow tiled windows.

“Welcome home.” the big brother, Yong-sun, mumbled when he got out of the car as if he regretted inviting us already.

Silent fell on us as soon as we took out our shoes and got in. There were more pictures of the four boys and their dad. Of course, Seunghyun’s face was nowhere to be seen, neither was their mum’s. The furniture around us looked both very old and expensive. It felt as if we were in the house of a dead king of some rich land and it was still haunted by it. It was also very dusty. Any movement was enough to raise thick tiny clouds of it. Without a word, Yong-sun led us through the rooms one by one. As we passed next to a guestroom, I saw the bed was barely undone and a big suitcase was open yet clothes were still folded in it. I assume that bedroom belonged to the big brother. He finally led us to the main bedroom which was dimly lit.

“Elders and parents are sacred in this country.” he said, looking straight at me, then Seunghyun. “No matter what you think of him, please show him some proper respect. Or you’ll have to deal with me.”

In the back of the room, an old man was resting on a futon with his back on us, buried under a large stack of fine silk blankets. When he heard us come in, he turned his head lightly, then his whole body towards us slowly. He had tubes in his nose, his skin was yellowish and he had barely any hair left. He had the same black piercing eyes as his son, their stare accentuated by the paleness of his face. When our eyes met, he said nothing at first, his wrinkled mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. Finally, he looked at his youngest son who was avoiding his stare.

“Hello Seunghyun.” he said in a weak, yet very deep voice. “Let me see your face.”

As Jong-sun pushed him forward from behind, his father kept staring at him as if he was looking at a ghost.

“I can’t believe it’s really you. You changed so much. I thought you’d never come back.”

Then Yong-sun sat on his knees next to his father, facing us, and there was silence again. After a while, I shyly asked about what happened and why Seunghyun was left at the orphanage. And so, slowly but surely, they told us everything.

It turns out Seunghyun’s mother died when he was 4 and after his father had spent all the family’s money on her care, his own business decreased dramatically. So in the end, the only way to keep the house and keep feeding everyone was to separate from the only mouth to feed who couldn’t work yet, unlike his three other brothers.

“I remember that day.” the father said. “At first, you didn’t understand what was going on. But when you did, you cried your eyes out. You kicked me. You bit the lady who tried to hold you until her hand bled. I remember your screams and all the staff members trying to keep you still as your brothers and I turned our backs and left the building.”

“It sounded like someone was being murdered.” Yong-sun mumbled to himself, shivering.

I myself couldn’t help but feel goose-bumps on my arms as I imagined the scene. I already can’t stand to see adults crying, so imagine a 4-year-old in sheer despair!

“I remember that too.” Seunghyun said in a dark tone. “Only parts of it, but still clearly enough.”

He didn’t look particularly happy to retrieve that kind of memories.

“Your departure helped us survive a few more years.” the father went on, now looking at the ceiling as if their story was written on it. “Afterwards, five, six years later, I think, as if to ironically punish us, God sent a big storm across the region. It destroyed all the neighbors’ crops except ours, so business picked up again to the point we were even richer than before! But then, we couldn’t stop thinking about you. When we heard you had been picked by agents of a special program, we knew it was too late. We would never see you again. Your two other brothers never forgave me. They left the house to attend college in Europe and never came back. Now they come once, maybe twice a year and send me cards on Christmas. Other than that, never a phone call, never a letter, nothing. Only your oldest brother came back to take care of me a few weeks ago when the doctors told him about my state.”

“And I shouldn’t be here.” Jong-sun muttered. “It should be them instead. I don’t care how expansive a return flight from Paris to Korea is. I have a life too. We all have our problems, you know? I’ve got a proper job and my own mouths to feed. I have my own family, a real family!” he exclaimed angrily.

“정선! 제대로 행동!*” his father snapped at him, which didn’t match his previous soft tone at all.

* “Jong-sun! Behave yourself!”

At these words, Jong-sun went silent again, staring at the ground, upset. It didn’t seem to be the first time to neither of them to exchange that kind of words. I also noticed Seunghyun’s father’s glare was identical to his son’s, maybe even scarier seeing how authoritative the man still was in spte of his sickness. I asked the man what his disease was.

“I have terminal hepatitis C.” the old man told me casually (I managed to understand thanks to Seungri and Seunghyun’s brother). “Seunghyun.” the man called louder at his son who kept avoiding his eyes. “Please look at me, Seunghyun. Look at me!”

After a few more seconds of hesitation, Seunghyun finally looked back at him. Now there they were, eye to eye, piercing stare versus piercing stare.

“The reason I wanted you here is not just so you can watch me die and hear me spit on your brothers. They are still my sons after all. The reason I wanted you here is because I wanted to ask you one question: will you let me die without forgiving me? Please answer me honestly. I had enough lies in my life already; first about your mother’s health, then me.” he said, readjusting something under the sleeve of his pajamas which I recognized as a catheter.

That was quite a lot in one morning, I must say. Seunghyun probably thought the same. However, we had gone through so much in barely more than a week, it should not have surprised us that much, I guess.

Meanwhile, I noticed Seungri had gotten closer to me. However, unlike what I thought at first, judging by the way he put his hand on my shoulder, he didn’t come to me for comfort, he came to comfort me. I was surprised by the mature look he suddenly had in his eyes. I guess the scene that was taking place in front of him made him realize that sooner or later, maybe he too would have to face that kind of situation and he’d be the one to support others. I rubbed his arm gently to make him understand that I was okay as we both looked at Seunghyun who was still staring at his father with a blank expression.

“No.” he said out of the blue. “No, I can’t forgive you. Not yet. How about I first tell you my story and then we see who suffered the most all these years?”

I looked at him, panicked. He was not going to tell him the truth, was he?

“Why not?” he asked as if he had read my thoughts. “He’s my father. He has the right to know what happened to his family. The dear family of both of you.” he said, glancing at his big brother.

“Seunghyun, shut up.” I cut him off sharply, glaring at him.

“No, I have to do this.”

“No, you don’t. Shut up!”

“Joan, stay out of this. This is my business. Not yours.”

“Don’t! Don’t!” I said and ran towards him in order to cover his mouth with my hand.

However, he suddenly turned towards me and I felt myself frozen, unable to move as I couldn’t look away from his eyes. Did he…? Oh no, he didn’t >< ! He then sighed and came closer to me with a sorry look on his face as he put his hands of my cheeks.

“Please.” he whispered. “Let me do this. I need them to know. Or else I will never be done with it.”

As he unfroze me and he kept pleading silently, I reluctantly nodded and let him talk to his father again as both him and his oldest son were now looking at us awkwardly, flabbergasted.

“Wait until they get the explanation to all this.” Seungri said to my ear with a smirk when I joined him.

Seunghyun spared no detail. None at all. The lab, the false agents, the drugs, Joseph, the incident at the mall… He said it all in cold, neutral tone as he kept his eyes steady on his father’s. Although I could see his palms were sweaty and his voice was a little shaky at first, his confidence soon came back as he mentioned every single confidential, gruesome part of Joseph’s plan with them as his guinea pigs. He mentioned things even I didn’t know about no matter how many times I heard that story. He mentioned me too at some point, which made me feel glad and a little embarrassed. However, he kept a straight face and an icy tone, as if he tried to tell his interlocutors: “You see? She supports me more than you ever did.”.

His father and brother soon broke eye-contact with him as the father looked at the ground, frowning and Jong-sun kept his fists clenched. At some point, he got up and cut off his young brother:

“Are you trying to say that all of this happened because of us? We weren’t even there when they took you away!”

“That’s right.” Seungyun replied. “You weren’t there. You were miles away when it happened even though none of this would have happened without you to begin with. True, there was nothing you could do to reach me afterwards. Yet you still had six years before that. Six years!” he articulated slowly. “So of course you can still talk about all the tears you shed for me, all the times you prayed for me and stuff... However in the meantime, I can also still call you a bunch of cowards, hypocrites and greedy bastards.”

“How dare you talk to Dad like that!” Jung-sun shouted and lunged at him.

He threw a punch towards Seunghyun’s face which he dodged as he then hit his big brother right in the jaw. When Seungri tried to intervene to separate them, the poor maknae was punched in the nose and stepped back, bleeding. At some point, as Seunghyun pushed his brother against the wall, making a few picture frames fall and shatter on the ground and the thick layer of dust on the old furniture fell on them like snow. Pinning his elder and almost strangling him in the process, Seunghyun spread his eyelid with his free hand to force his eye to open wide. However, I managed to pull him back with all my strength to make him face me.

“Is that all you’ll ever be? Just a monster?” I asked, as I planted my eyes on his, inches away from his face.

At my question, he stood in place, frozen, then slowly unclenched his fist on his brother’s jacket and looked at us all as all eyes were on him.

“No.” he whispered and let go of his brother. “I’m not a monster.”

He gave me a long kiss on the forehead. In the meantime, I could tell Jong-sun still had difficulty to calm his pounding heart. Seunghyun then turned towards him and brushed the dust off his jacket awkwardly.

“I’m sorry.” he said.

His brother let him do as he liked and when he heard his father bark his name, he cleared his throat.

“Well, I’m sorry too. I guess.” he mumbled and took out a tissue of his pocket and handed it to Seungri so he could wipe the blood of his nose.

I then looked at his father, worried. Was he gonna kick us out? Would he ask Jong-sun to call the police? To my surprise, his expression was as calm as ever. He seemed proud to see his sons fight, like all brothers are supposed to do. He was almost smiling even.

Seughyun must have noticed it too as he turned towards the patriarch again and regained his composure.

“That doesn’t mean you’re forgiven, old man.”

The patriarch didn’t seem surprised at all by his answer.

“Let’s go.” Seunghyun said to Seungri as he then took my hand and we both reluctantly followed him towards the door.

However, Jong-sun stood up and blocked our way with both of his arms.

“You’re staying here.” he declared, his feet firmly planted on the ground.

“No, I’m not. Move.” Seungri replied.

“Not until Dad says so.”

“What’s your name, young lady?” I head the father’s deep voice ask.

I turned around and was startled to see he was now looking directly at me. God did he make me think of an old mafia leader! Was I supposed to expect goons to shoot us if we left the house?

“Joan. My name is Joan.” I answered with a small voice.

“Come closer, Joan-ssi.” he asked with an inviting gesture of his callous hand.

Though he resisted lightly, I let go of Seunghyun’s hand and did as his father asked, clearly intimidated as I approached with baby steps. When I was close enough, he grasped my wrist and I screamed in surprise, which made Seunghyun and Seungri rush towards me. However, the old man smiled at them as he apologized politely and asked me to hold still and he pulled on my arm gently to sit up in his bed.

“You are right, son. I am a cowardly old man. I was scared of seeing you again because I was scared of your reaction. I was not ready to face your rejection after what I did to you. And I’m still not now. I know how sensitive you’ve always been. Back when he was a baby,” he then declared, talking to me, “he would already drive me and my wife crazy, even more than the three others before him. Always crying, always soliciting us, always by our side no matter how busy we were. He was scared to do anything without his mother, then without me when she... Being separated of his family must be the most traumatizing experience a child can ever go through. And he went obviously through a lot afterwards, judging by his words. I must say, he looks much better than I thought he would, according to me. He’s a strong, beautiful, clever young man now. And when he looks at you, young lady,” he added in a softer voice, “I recognize the sparkle in his eyes his mother had when we dated at your age.”

I felt my heart skip a beat at these words and looked shyly at Seunghyun who was now staring lovingly at me, which made me blush. I suddenly felt the old man hold my hand and I turned towards him once more.

“Can I ask you something, Joan-ssi?” he asked, to which I nodded, “I know you already did a lot for my son and I thank you for that. Please keep taking good care of him.”

I smiled and bowed respectfully at him.

“No problem! It’s an honor to be asked such a task, sir. But don’t be wrong, your son also takes good care of me!”

He grinned at my answer as he then looked at Seunghyun.

“You’ve found yourself an excellent wife, Seunghyun. Or rather “girlfriend” since young people don’t marry as early as we used to in my days… Treasure her. I miss my own wife a lot.” he said in a lower voice and looked down. “Half of my children left and I’m probably gonna die alone in our old family home. I feel as if I haven’t slept in centuries. At least, I’m gonna die having seen my youngest son’s face one last time. Now I wish I could leave this world knowing I’m in peace with him… But that’s ok. You can leave now.” he said, looking away and waving gently as if to shoo us.

As he had kneeled next to him again, I saw Jong-sun’s eyes become as big as saucers when he heard these words as he turned his head towards his father.

“You’re kidding, right? We are not done yet!”

“Yes, we are. His answer is clear. Now let them go.”

However, as we headed towards the exit, he blocked our way for the second time.

“Jong-sun.” his father called him in a sharp tone. “Stop it. Obey me!”

“No, I won’t! Not this time!” Jong-sun exclaimed. “I’m sick of this guilt! I’m sick of every conversation being about him! I’m sick of being stuck in the past with my little brother’s ghost! How can you let him go now that we’ve finally found him? After all this time! If he could just say these three words “I forgive you”, we could be free forever! But no! You give up! Again! Well, I won’t!” he said, facing his brother. “For God’s sake, we are sorry, okay? What more do you from want from us? Pay you? Crawl at your feet? Beat the sh*t out of me? Go ahead, tell me! I’m listening!”

His voice cracked on the last words. He looked more tired and his circles darker than ever as his eyes were now shining with tears. His features contracted the same way as Seunghyun as despair was now clearly painted on his face.

“I missed you so much.” he added as tears flooded on both of his cheeks. “Please, make it stop.”

Seunghyun seemed to hesitate a lot as I felt his hold tighten on my hand. However, I then heard him sigh loudly and he let go of me and turned around. There I watched him walk slowly towards his father’s bed once more as the latter was lying down again, pretending to sleep. When he opened his eyes, he looked surprised to see his son stand above him once more. Then Seunghyun took his father’s face in his hands and made him look up at his eyes.

“I forgive you, abonim.” he murmured.

My heart almost broke when I suddenly heard the old man give a whimper and weep, tears pouring along his wrinkles. As Seunghyun pulled the blankets on his dad’s shoulders, he kept crying and crying until he finally drowsed off and slept like a baby. As his cheeks were still shining with the streams of his tears, Jung-sun looked at his father breathe peacefully, his mouth agape, then turned towards Seunghyun.

“Thank you.” he said as he walked awkwardly towards him as if his legs weren’t obeying him anymore.

As he stood up in front of him, still hesitant, Seunghyun took him in his arms.

“You’re welcome, hyung.” he said.

In his turn, Jong-sun hugged him tight and sobbed quietly, his shoulders shaking lightly as I watched small wet circles form under his head on Seunghyun’s own shoulder. When he finally calmed down, he finally let us through and showed us the way out. However, he was surprised to see that only Seungri and I walked towards the exit.

“It’s my home after all, isn’t it? And you said you wanted to go back to yours, don’t you?” Seunghyun said with a small smile as he walked back towards his father and arranged his breathing tubes back behind his ears as it had fallen off, standing next to him in the evening light like some guardian angel.

Song-jun and I couldn’t help but smile at it.

“You’re right.” his big brother said. “Welcome back home, dongsaeng.”

It was time for us to go. After Seungri and his hyung hugged each other, Seunghyun’s embrace being much stronger than the maknae (judging by Seungri’s look, I think he broke a rib or two O_O). As I approached Seunghyun, I realized I had no idea how to say goodbye to him in front of his big brother. So I just smiled and bowed deeply at him even though all I wanted to do was shamelessly cling on to him like a koala to its tree. However, as I rose, he suddenly pulled me into a tight embrace and gave me a long kiss on the mouth, which made me blush like mad as I caught Jong-sun’s glance from the corner of my eyes. I should’ve known his dongsaeng would be so impulsive ><. The two brothers accompanied us to the main exit. On the front door, when I heard the word “Goodbye” escape Seunghyun’s lips, I did what I wanted and buried my face in his chest to prevent him from seeing the tears that were forming in my eyes. Then I brought my mouth closer to his ear and whispered:


“Don’t say that. It sounds as if we’ll never see each other again.” he replied and then looked at my face with a smile on his lips.

I’m glad to be the one to whom he smiles the most J

We finally parted. First our chests, then our arms, then our fingertips, and finally our eyes. I turned without looking back, keeping the image of his smile imprinted in my retina. Like the sun when you stare at it for too long.

I miss you now, Seunghyun. I really do. But I’m glad you found your family back. And you’re safe. It’s all that matters. Plus I know for sure that I’m not the only one who misses you. In the car, as soon as we were a few miles away from your village, Seungri immediately started singing off key! He would never dare to do that before since he is so proud of his voice (and he should)! I immediately joined him of course, but we still sang too well compared to you XP

So we sang at the top of our lungs and Seungri even opened the window to sing in the wind. It was fun! It’s like there was still a little of you accompanying us back to our place.

I left the bedroom to Mum and Kwan. He must feel relieved to finally sleep in his own bed! As we both prepared to sleep, I couldn’t help but keep sighing, thinking about you, and about tomorrow and all of you guys… When suddenly, I was surprised to hear our favorite maknae’s words in the dark:

“You know, I’m glad to be the last. My little stratagem worked. Now I finally have you all for myself.”

I threw a cushion at his head in response and then heard a little “Ow”, which made me chuckle. I opened my eyes and managed to crawl towards Seungri’s spot in the dark and ruffle his hair just to mess with him. Just as I thought, he instantly whined at it and tried to chase me away, complaining that he wished his hyungs were back to protect him from me.

I’m also glad he is the last. I realized I could not stand to be all alone after leaving you at last. Maybe Seungri unconsciously thought of that too. I know he’s a good kid deep inside and all that airhead, bratty attitude is just an act. Of course, there’s no way he’ll ever admit it, let alone in front of me, his noona! I hope things will be okay for him tomorrow. I still got to take care of him too, after all. Don’t worry guys, your maknae is in good hands!

Speaking of which, how am I supposed to call him now? I really don’t feel like calling him Seunghyun, I still miss you too much :’( . When I asked him, he said he didn’t mind to still be called Seungri since he was rather proud of it. I guess I’ll have to find a compromise, then.

SH*T !!! I forgot to tell you that I planned to stay in Korea!! I gave you my phone number but I haven’t taken your father’s T_T. What did I have to be such a Pabo today? It’s your fault, you distracted me too much, Bingu Seunghyun ><

Even when you’re not with me, you still annoy me… But I still miss you. I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I hope you will call me soon… and pray for your dongsaeng. He says he feels more confident now, thanks to you!

사랑해요, 빙구-자기야,

E> E> 조안-누나 <3 <3
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