Sunday May 3 2015

Worst Sunday ever.

Ugh, so tired of rice!!! Well, eating it is fine. But OMG it’s so heavy!! I can’t feel my shoulders after carrying all these bags back from the market (but they were so cheap!) T_T On my way home, an old lady walked past me with her cart. It was so full, not only of rice but other stuff too, the pile was higher than her head! And she STILL walked faster than me O_O! She walked even faster when she saw me. I guess I should be hurt, but at this point, I found more amusing than anything to look at her go on her short legs with her giant cart behind her like a chicken running away from a car. Is that a common practice to put your elders on steroids, Korea? I guess I need to do sports again -_-

Most of all, I’m so tired of Jo, right now!! He forced me to stay at work this afternoon and refused to let me go when I said I was tired. Well, excuse me for trying to rest and enjoy my weekend! What the hell did he expect us to find in six hours that we didn’t find in a whole week? When I started to work here, at first, I was glad to think I could see my boyfriend more often, but now I’m tired to have to bear my boss and teacher both at work and at home!

We’ve been sleeping five hours a night for four days and the boys are ready too, I told him.

Of course, he also made them do yet another training even though Sunday is also their own day off. They all looked pretty weary. Even G-Dragon and Daesung were not smiling at all. Beast was the only one who didn’t look mad but I could still see the deep dark circles under his eyes. When I told Joseph that maybe it was enough for today, he yelled at me to stick to my job and let him do his! Even the guard didn’t feel at ease, sitting between the both of us.

So of course I bit my tongue and stood there in silence. I know the demonstration for the undersecretary is in two days and it’s making him nervous but there’s no need to be such a bully! We’re all on the same boat here! That’s what I wanted to tell him. And yet I didn’t. I’m such a coward when he’s mad.

No wonder why, that day, since I was so tense, tired and upset, s we were watching the boys train, I was taken off-guard when a bullet hit Taeyang’s belly and made him collapse on the spot with both of his hands on the wound, coughing blood. I felt mine leave my face right away. When G-Dragon heard the sound and turned his head at him, although he was far ahead, he instantly turned back and dashed at the other members who were all dispersed at all four corners of the area and stopped in their tracks as well to reach him and protect him, Beast being in charge of carrying them all to his spot one by one. When they were almost all gathered around him, although he was shaking like a leaf, Seungri was the one looking for the bullet with his fingers through the open wound. Taeyang screamed from the pain but then Top took his head in his hands and made him look into his eyes. The strong boy gradually calmed down and fell unconscious. They were so well organized it seemed it was not the first time they were dealing with that kind of situation. The last one, Daesung, arrived just in time as Taeyang was now breathing weakly with his eyes half-closed, his hands soaked in his own blood like two red gloves. When Daesung put his on the flesh after Seungri had put out the bullet, the wound closed right away and the blood dried. Taeyang was saved. The final bell rung and I heard Joseph let out an annoyed sigh.

“E to all of them.” he said disappointingly. “And an F for Taeyang.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. Es and F?! Seriously ?!!

“Don’t you think it’s a little too harsh?” I asked.

“In real battle, they wouldn’t have been together.” he replied sternly. “Taeyang would have died and there wouldn’t be any bell to save them. They are being prepared for war, not a TV show. Actions have consequences. And not all of them lead to a happy ending.”

When I heard that, I felt the adrenaline flow in my system and ignored all my fear and tiredness. For some reason, this was just too much I could bear from him.

“So they should have let him die?” I exclaimed louder and louder. “That’s what you’re saying? Let a life go for a grade? That’s horrible! We can’t teach them that! You can still have feelings for your comrades in the battlefield! Actually, if I were you, I would be glad they used teamwork in such a context. That’s a virtue that should be encouraged, not punished!”

“E for everybody.” he repeated to the guard, totally ignoring me.

As he was about to leave the room, he grabbed me by the arm and looked into my eyes.

“The reason I brought you here,” he whispered coldly, “is not only because you’re my girlfriend but because you were my most excellent student. It’s about time you show me that I haven’t been overestimating you all this time.”

He then left, leaving me alone with the guard. My heart was still beating fast from the anger yet I could also feel all my limbs frozen from the coldness of his tone. I just hated it when he used it on me.

“Nice try.” the guard said in a low voice and smiled sympathetically at me.

I smiled back at him.

“I know, I know.” I said and sighed. “Don’t worry. It’s not like he would fire me or something!”

Although I had said that as convincingly as I could, I could still here that little voice in the back of my mind going “Would he?”

I then silently pointed at the guards’ microphone, asking for permission, but then I remembered I didn’t speak Korean. So instead, I had him tell them himself that they got As.

“At least for effort!” I added but asked him not to translate. Of course, the boys seemed confused to hear me talk in English but I didn’t mind.

The boys were so exhausted they could barely stand on their feet. When the staff arrived, they almost had to carry them on the way to their cells. However, one of them, Beast, left last as he still stood there for a while and just looked in my direction. He was not looking upset or trying to say anything. He was just staring right at me with his big black eyes as if he was trying to reach my soul through the window that separated us. What did he want from me? When I asked the guard, he said he had no idea. When I had him ask the question, the boy didn’t answer. All I could do was just stare back at him in silence for several minutes and feel the world around us disappear little by little. Now that I was thinking about it, I never saw him blink either. Had Joseph also cut his eyelids in the process? Suddenly, he flapped his wings lightly and walked away to join the others as the rest of the staff was waiting for him. When he disappeared, I felt like waking up from a trance and left the room, a little troubled but soon mentally bitching and moaning about my every day routine again.

Even now, I am still wondering what that stare meant. Did he know I was lying? Was he thankful? Was he trying to blame me because I represented Joseph in his eyes? Or was it just that he was tired and my eyes distracted him for a second? What did you want, Beast?

I guess speculating on my own won’t make me get the answer tonight. In fact I’m pretty sure I’ll never get one at all.

At least, I tell myself that I never saw Joseph get that kind of stare from any of them. Maybe that just means Beast likes me more than him. Take that Jo-Jo, that’s for being so mean :3

Two days before the performance. Better get to sleep N-O-W.

So good night again, good night boys, my thoughts are with you right now,

Joan <3

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