Chapter 1: Zippidy do dead
Yes! I've been waiting to write this story for a long time. Just a heads up, I'm going to include a character from another one of my parodies in this one. It's Richard Osmond from the poorly known Echo Night series. I'm including him because he met Isaac in my parody for it.
A Blue screen filled the blackness. On it, appeared several sentences.
“CEC Mission Update. Primary personnel; Isaac Clarke: Engineer, Kendra Daniels: Computer Specialist, Zack Hammond: Chief Security Officer, Twist Mclintock: Pilot, Oakie Dokie: Assistant Security Officer. Objectives: Locate USG Ishimura, Diagnose repairs. BLAh blah blah.” It said.
Suddenly, the objectives were replaced by a video feed. A young blonde woman in a white and black jumpsuit began speaking.
“Isaac, something weird has happened. Everyone is flipping out. They grew swords out of their hands and run around naked. Oh god, this one guy, never mind. I'm scared Isaac. I just want you to know I love you, just in case I commit suicide or something then you see a weird holographic image of me created by some weird alien artifact but-” It started before it stopped.
The video window was closed by a young man in a black jump suit with brown armor plates. He was approached by a woman with a pony tail and a red and white shirt with pink high heels.
“You watched the video for the 16th time today. You must really want to bang her, Isaac.” The woman said.
“Actually, I just keep trying to force myself to watch it all the way through, but I get really sad and turn it off all the time before it does.” Isaac said.
“What? I'm sorry, I was applying some powder. What did you say?” The woman asked, holding her powder kit.
“Kendra, why do you always have to do that in the middle of a conversation?” A black guy in a green suit asked.
“My looks come first Hammond.” Kendra said.
“Well those bad make up habits are gonna get you killed one of these days!” Hammond said.
“I'm sorry?” Kendra asked.
Hammond put his hand in his face. Behind them sat 2 pilots at the controls, both in green jumpsuits. Beyond the windshield of the ship was a massive array of clouds that the ship was blasting through. Kendra went up to the windshield and looked at her reflection. Using it, she slowly started applying lipstick.
“So Isaac, your girlfriends on that ship?” Hammond asked.
“Yeah, she got a nice job there. Makes 500 credits an hour.” Isaac said.
“Damn, we only make 10 credits per hour.” Hammond said.
“We've entered the atmosphere around the target.” The pilot said.
“Nice Job Twist.” Hammond said.
The clouds around the ship faded and in the distance a large ship could be seen, floating over a planet with a huge chunk of it in it's laser harness. Behind was a bright star.
“Owww! Can't we move so the sun doesn't ruin my reflection? I can't see my lips.” Kendra complained.
“No time Kendra. Oakie, put me on the comm link.” Hammond said.
“Oakie Dokie sir.” Oakie said.
“And stop saying that! It's fucking annoying! Ishimura, this is the Kellion. Do you copy? I said, do you copy? Well, their comms array is busted to hell. Let's set her down.” Hammond said.
The ship began it's docking sequence.
“Kellion! Do not board the Ishimura!” A Female Voice on the radio said.
“Who the hell is that?” Hammond asked.
“My name is Lexine! The ship and the colony are overrun by monsters! Do not land!” Lexine said.
“Monsters? What is this? Martian Gothic Unification? Piss off you bitch!” Hammond said.
“Watch out! Your flying right into an Asteroid!” Lexine yelled.
“Yeah Yeah right Lex.” Hammond said, ripping the radio out of the control panel.
“Uhhhh, Hammond.” Isaac started.
“Not now Isaac! I'm gonna eat my broccoli flavored Gelatin.” Hammond said.
Hammond went into a side room and sat down at the table where his green gelatin awaited.
“But Hammond-” Isaac continued, pointing at the window.
“I said not now! I can't eat and think at the same time!” Hammond said.
“Uhhh, Sir...” Twist Mclintock said.
“Damn it! Can't a guy eat his fucking space food!” Hammond yelled.
It turns out Lexine was Right. A huge asteroid slammed into the side of the Kellion. Everything shook violently. Kendra smeared lipstick all over her face and Hammond's gelatin looked like it was doing the macerena.
“Sir, the ships out of control!” Twist said.
“Close the shutters and switch to camera feed!” Hammond yelled.
“Oakie dokie sir!” Oakie said.
The shutters around the windshield closed and the pilots were now using video footage. Isaac hid behind the chair he was sitting on and put his head down.
“Now what?” Twist asked.
“Slam her in the docking bay!” Hammond said, trying to get a spoon full of gelatin in his mouth.
“Are you crazy! All my hair spray will catch fire!” Kendra yelled, rolling around on the floor.
The pilots did it anyway. They plowed the ship hard into the docking bay of the Ishimura, scraping against the floor. Then it suddenly stopped. Kendra was thrown face first into the windshield while Hammond's face was forced into his gelatin.
“We've landed sir.” Twist said.
Isaac looked up from behind the chair. Kendra pushed herself off the windshield.
“Hammond! What the fuck!? We could have gotten killed! And you broke my nail!” Kendra screeched.
Hammond pulled his face out of the gelatin and wiped it off his face.
“Kendra, we need to finish this job. It's the CEC code. Tell her Isaac.” Hammond said.
“Monsters, guns, asteroids or in laws, CEC will always bring you the circular saws.” Isaac recited.
“That doesn't even make sense.” Kendra said.
“The circular saws are used for cutting materials.” Twist said.
“Just fuck the whole thing. Let's get out of this junk heap. I need more space to fix my hair.” Kendra said.
“Twist, Oakie, load up.” Hammond said.
Hammond, Twist, and Oakie grabbed Pulse rifles from the gun racks.
“Say Hammond, can I have a gun?” Isaac asked.
“Isaac, the last time I gave you a gun, you shot the customer.” Hammond said.
“I thought he was a robber.” Isaac said.
“He was holding a stapler.” Hammond said.
“It's an easy mistake.” Isaac said.
“Forget it, your not getting a gun.” Hammond said.
Hammond, Kendra, Twist and Oakie left through the ship's door. Isaac looked around and grabbed his blue visor helmet.
“AAAHAHAHHHH! I can't see!” He screamed.
“It's on backwards, moron.” Hammond said.
“Oh.” Isaac said.
Isaac turned his helmet around. Before leaving, he saw something shiny in the ship's cabin. Investigating, he found a first aid kit.
“First aid, I doubt I'll need this. It's not like theres gonna be monsters or anything like that.” Isaac said, throwing it in the trash can.
Meanwhile, near the ship's bridge...
In a dark hallway, a portal of red energy opened. 3 figures stepped through it. One wore a parka with black snow goggles. Another was a man with a brown beard, blue spandex suit, and red vest. The last was a woman with blonde hair, blue spandex suit and purple vest.
“Yes, this place will do nicely...” The man in the parka said.
“Do nicely for what?” The man in the beard asked.
“To kill him you retard!” The man in the parka yelled.
“Kill who?” The woman asked.
“Richard Osmond! Don't you remember him?” The man in the goggles asked.
“Never heard of him.” The other man said.
“You 2 are the most worthless henchmen ever!” The man in the goggles yelled.
The guy in the goggles went over to a nearby computer terminal.
“Whatchadoing?” The guy in the beard asked.
“I'm sending an email to the Psychological 7.” The guy in the goggles said.
“Whos the psychological 7?” The woman asked.
“They are a task force composed of characters from Psychological horror games. That is the last time I'm telling you that.” The man in the goggles said impatiently.
“Whats, everything you just said?” The woman asked.
The man in the goggles groaned. He grabbed the back of the woman's hair and slammed her face first into the keyboard. Pieces of it stuck to her face.
“Now I just have to lure Richard here for the final blow.” The man in the goggles said.
“Oo Oo! I know how! Let's make a trail of M&Ms all the way up here to his house!” The guy in the beard said.
The man in the goggles shot red bolts of electricity at the bearded man's groin. He grasped it and crumbled over. The woman laughed at him, until the guy in the goggles shot bolts at her breasts and she crumbled over.
“Why I chose you rejects to be my henchmen, I'll never know. I do, however, know how to lure Richard to this location. Muahahaha.” The man in the goggles laughed.
“Muhahahahahahahahahah.” The man and woman laughed.
“Oh shut up.” The man in the goggles said, zapping them again.
Outside the Kellion...
When Isaac stepped onto the catwalk outside the Kellion, he saw Kendra assessing the damage.
“Damn it Hammond, you smashed the external fuel tank.” She said, wiping the lipstick off her face with a hankie.
“I didn't do shit, Twist is the one who slammed it here.” Hammond said.
“Well your the one who told me to.” Twist said.
“Lets put the blame on each other later. The Kellion had Asteroid insurance anyway.” Hammond said.
“Not to worry, I can fix anything!” Isaac said.
“Yeah, of course you can Isaac.” Hammond said.
The team started down the catwalk.
“Hey Hammond, theres a little golden statue between the walkways.” Isaac said.
“Sure there is Isaac. Maybe it belongs to the dark master of Camelot!” Hammond said sarcastically, waving his hands around.
“Really?” Isaac asked.
“No, now open this door.” Hammond said.
Isaac went up to the door and stared at it for a second.
“Hammond, you don't know how to open a simple door? You just push this.” Isaac said, pressing the holographic button.
The door opened and inside was a small waiting room. It was cluttered with suitcases and green tinted boxes.
“Hmm, looks like everyone was trying to leave.” Hammond said.
“Why?” Kendra asked.
“How the fuck should I know!?” Hammond asked.
“They really need to clean up their-” Isaac started.
Isaac tripped on a suitcase and slammed face first into one of the green tinted crates, breaking it open.
“Another med kit? Why do they leave all these useless things lying around?” Isaac asked.
Isaac grabbed the med kit that was in the crate and threw it behind him, slamming Oakie in the head.
“Ishimura secuirty? Do you read? IS anyone there? For Christ’s sake, answer already!” Hammond yelled.
Kendra pressed the call button on a nearby elevator. Nothing happened.
“The elevators are broken.” Kendra said.
“Theres no power to them, retard. Twist, Oakie, establish a perimeter.” Hammond said.
“Oakie dokie sir.” Oakie said, with a massive scar bleeding on his forehead.
Isaac went over to a nearby corner and saw a console with a camera on it on the wall. When he touched it, it unfolded and a screen appeared.
“A save station, I wonder how it works.” Isaac asked himself.
Suddenly, a bulky claw reached out from under the machine and grasped Isaac's groin. Groaning in pain, the claw unleashed a burst of electricity into Isaac's testicles. The screen then said “Data storage complete” and the claw released his balls.
“Isaac, go in the control room and unlock the elevators.” Hammond said.
“Wouldn't that be more of Kendra's job?” Isaac asked.
“Ewww, I'm not touching a computer used by some guy with AIDS.” Kendra said.
“Alright, I was almost a computer specialist.” Isaac said.
Isaac went into the back room behind the windows. It was really dark. He went around a corner and found a holographic control console. He simply pressed one button and the elevators were restored.
“Good, now I can kick the crew's asses for not answering our calls.” Hammond said.
Suddenly, Twist accidentally backed up against a light switch and the room became pitch black. A loud girly scream was heard.
“Calm down Kendra.” Hammond said in the dark.
“It was Twist.” Kendra said.
“Well it's pretty scary.” Twist said.
“Isaac, enough with the pranks, turn the lights back on.” Hammond yelled.
“But sir, there is no light switch in here.” Isaac said.
Suddenly, red emergency lights started flashing. Twist could be seen slapping Kendra's ass and Oakie could be seen pinching her breasts briefly as the light passed over them.
“Warning, intruder in ventilation system.” The intercom said.
“What the hell? Isaac, are you in the ventilation system?” Hammond asked.
“No, but I think I can crawl out through it. The door's jammed.” Isaac said.
Suddenly, loud scraping was heard.
“What was that?” Twist cowered, grasping Kendra's shoulders.
“It's probably some rats.” Hammond said.
“Those are some fucking huge rats.” Twist said.
Suddenly, something broke through an overhead vent and landed in the room. It stabbed Twist through the chest with something on it's arm. He screamed bloody mary as it held him up and, using it's other arm, tore him in half.
“Oakie! Open fire!” Hammond yelled.
“Oakie dokie sir!” Oakie said.
Hammond and Oakie both fired their pulse rifles at the mysterious figure. It held Twist in front of it as a shield and he absorbed all the fire. Isaac watched from the control room, eating some popcorn.
“My god, it's immune to bullets! Oakie! Do something!” Hammond yelled.
“Oakie Dokie sir!” Oakie said.
“Oh I've had enough of this.” Hammond muttered.
Hammond shoved Oakie into the creature's arms. It stabbed him through the chest too. The room was filled with the light of the elevator.
“Oakie, clean up this mess when your done.” Hammond said.
“Oakie dokie sir.” Oakie said before the monster stabbed him through his head.
Hammond and Kendra hid inside the elevator and closed it's doors.
“Wait, Isaac is still down there.” Kendra said.
“Don't worry, he'll keep them busy.” Hammond said.
“But he doesn't have a weapon.” Kendra said.
“True, but it will take some time for them to eat him.” Hammond said.
“Uhhh, Guys? Can you unlock these doors when you get up there?” Isaac asked.
Suddenly, a creature broke into the room Isaac was in. It was a human, but it's jaw was missing, the arms were bent the other way and had blades extruding out of the hands, and it was naked.
“Ewww, put some clothes on man.” Isaac said.
The monster growled and Isaac screamed. He turned right and started running down this empty hall. The beast was in hot pursuit. He almost slipped on one of the many P-sec security pistols laying on the floor, dropped by dead security guards. He started running up a ramp, and a boulder started rolling down in his direction. He strafed to the side, missing it. The monster was able to dodge it too.
“Why are there boulders part of the ventilation system?” Isaac asked himself.
Isaac reached the top of the ramp and saw an elevator in the corner. He got on it and rapidly tapped the button that closes doors. The monster got really close when they actually did start to close. The monster wedged it's blades in between the doors through a narrow opening. It slowly started prying them open. Isaac pulled out his pipe wrench and smacked it on the head a couple of times. This made it lose it's grip and the doors slammed shut, slicing it's head off. It landed at Isaac's feet, then he started freaking out because of it. The elevator began it's slow ascent and Isaac fell to the floor, paralyzed.
Meanwhile, somewhere in the Medical deck...
A man with blonde hair and a black and white jumpsuit ran down the corridors. He was chased by a man with a black beard in a black and white jumpsuit holding a Laser pick.
“YOU MUST BECOME ONE OF THE CHOSEN!!” The man with the pick yelled.
“For Christ’s sake, they're monsters you fucking baboon!” The guy with the blonde hair yelled.
“WHO CARES!? I'M ON LITHIUM!!” The man with the pick yelled.
Meanwhile, Isaac managed to gather his guts and stepped out of the elevator. He was in some kind of workshop. To the right was a table with a limb-less corpse leaning against it. A message scribbled in blood said “cut off their limbs” on the wall. A plasma cutter sat on the table, which Isaac picked up.
“ooooo! A plasma cutter! I haven't used one of these since Hammond took away my old one after circumcising a baby with it.” Isaac said.
A green message appeared in front of Isaac.
“Hold L1 to aim, press R1 to fire, press R2 to change direction.” It said.
“AAAAAHHHHHH! GHOST WRITER!!!!” Isaac yelled, flailing his arms.
Isaac fell back on more green crates, which dropped plasma cartridges.
“Ohhh, now I can recharge on the go. I wonder why that guy ripped off his arms and legs? And another thing, how did he write that message if he didn't have any arms? And what does cut off their lambs mean? No one has lambs in space. Maybe theres a killer Lamb Chop on the loose again.” Isaac wondered.
Isaac went to the only door in the room. It was locked, but there was an exposed circuit next to it.
“Ohh, that's convenient.” Isaac said.
Isaac took aim with his new plasmas cutter. He shot a horizontal line of plasma at it, severing it. The door immediately opened and a man fell to the floor as one of the monsters pounced on him.
“Jesus! Leave me alone! Left 4 Dead was less painful than this!” The man yelled before the monster ripped him up.
After turning the guy into chopped ham, the beast looked at Isaac. Panicking, Isaac blindly fired his Plasma cutter, missing the creature. The creature slashed Isaac in the arm with one of it's blades.
“OWWW! I wish I had one of those med kits.” He said.
Isaac swatted the creature in the face with his plasma cutter. Stunned, it fell to the ground, and Isaac stomped the living hell out of it. It's blood, limbs, and other features flew all over the place until it was just a naked torso.
“Wow, this is the coolest job I've ever been on!” Isaac said.
Isaac went through the door the monster came through. He examined the corpse of the dead guy and found some credits.
“Hmmm, well he isn't gonna to use them anytime soon.” Isaac said to himself, taking the credits.
Isaac went further down the hall and turned left.
“Hmm, I need to name these things. They like to slash and stab, so, I'll call them, Shooters!” Isaac said.
Isaac came to a dead end, but found an audio log.
“Oh my god, those things come out of the vents! Holy shit dude! I've tried pushing bookcases in front of them, but that don't work either! I tried putting boulders in them too, but they're too agile! Oh god, fuck this, I'm just gonna leave this log here and hang myself somewhere else.” It said.
Isaac tossed the diary away and went the other way. He picked up a Small med kit laying on the floor. He opened it and poured some weird gel on his arm wound.
“There we go. So much easier than regular med kits. Oh wait, this is shampoo.” Isaac said, looking at the bottle.
After wiping the stuff off his burning wound, Isaac went into the next room. It was some kind of control room. It had a console, a vending machine, some lockers, a save station, and a window looking out on the tram platform where Kendra and Hammond were standing.
“AAAAAHHH! MORE SHOOTERS!” Isaac yelled, shooting at the glass.
A small communications window popped up in front of Isaac.
“Isaac? Holy shit, I thought you were eaten.” Hammond said.
“Isaac, the tram's broken. The passage is blocked by some cruddy old tram and the data board is fried.” Kendra said.
“No sweat, I can fix anything.” Isaac said.
“Isaac, on the off chance you do fix it, I'll help you find Nicole.” Hammond said.
“Really? Awesome! Just let me look in my tool box...” Isaac said.
Isaac set down his red toolbox on the floor and opened it. He tossed out a wrench, a sandwich, a vibrator, a magnum, a data board, and an emergency radio.
“Looks like I'm out of data boards. Kendra, do you know where I can find some more? Kendra?” Isaac asked.
Kendra was applying some crème rouge. Hammond slapped it out of her hand and pointed to the screen.
“Oh, try the maintenance area. Grab some tampons for me if you see any. Damn it Hammond, that was limited edition.” Kendra said.
The screen went away. Isaac went over to the vending machine and smashed it open. He took the credits from the inside.
“I always smash open vending machines, even when it's not the end of the world.” Isaac said.
Isaac opened the lockers and grabbed some more items. He didn't bother using the save station after his first experience with one. He went through another door and as he strolled down these twisty hallways, he whistled. Then he came to a small well lit area and screamed when he saw a shooter laying on the floor among some suitcases.
“Oh, it must already be dead. That's nice.” Isaac said.
As Isaac walked past it, it stabbed him in the leg with one of it's blades. Isaac screamed again and stomped the shit out of it until it was dead. After applying some real first aid, he found the maintenance bay door, but it was locked. He picked up another audio log.
“Listen to me! You have to shoot off their limbs! Head shots don't do anything! Shoot off their legs and arms! That's the only way to kill them! Shoot off their limbs! Shoot off their limbs! Shoot them off for Christ's sake! Did you fucking hear me? SHOOT THEM OFF!!” It yelled.
Isaac tossed it away and went in another direction. After going through a door, he saw a man's lower half hanging out from the ceiling.
“Get the fuck off me you freak! This is my Twix bar! This is the only place I can eat in peace! AARARGAGGGG! Let go of my neck!” The man yelled before being pulled into the ceiling.
His Twix bar fell out, and Isaac picked it up and took a bite out of it. Another shooter (they're actually called Slashers) broke through the ceiling and ran towards Isaac. Isaac shot it in the leg with his Plasma Cutter, slicing it off and it fell to the ground.
“Hah! Not so tough now, huh?” Isaac taunted.
The Slasher crawled up to Isaac and stabbed him in the foot. Hollering in agony, he shot both of it's arms off.
“Owww, I think I lost one of my toes.” Isaac said.
Isaac grabbed his severed toe and put it in his inventory. He went through another door and found himself at the bottom of the tram tunnel. Cigarette butts were all over the place.
Meanwhile, on the actual platform, Hammond was having a smoke himself.
“You wanna know something creepy?” Hammond asked Kendra.
“What?” Kendra asked, applying powder.
“I heard rumors that they're weird voices that come from the bottom of the tram pit.” Hammond said.
“Mmm-hm.” Kendra said.
“I'm serious. Let me toss something down.” Hammond said.
Hammond picked up a waste basket and threw it down into the pit.
“OWW! MOTHERFUCKER!!!” A voice screamed.
“See! Did you hear it?!” Hammond asked.
“Mm-hm.” Kendra said.
“Your not even listening are you?” Hammond asked.
“Mm-hm.” Kendra said.
“Fuck you.” Hammond said.
Meanwhile, Isaac sat on the ground rubbing his head. A bent waste basket sat beside him. While waiting, he saw some more credits laying on the ground.
“Someone must think this this is a wishing well. Maybe it is!” Isaac said.
Getting up, Isaac threw 15 credits on the ground and closed his
“I wish for a golden screwdriver!” Isaac said.
After several seconds, Isaac opened his eyes and saw nothing.
“Oh well.” He said, taking the credits on the ground.
Isaac walked down the tram tunnel and came to the end where he spotted 2 things. A console, and a door that kept slamming shut and opening at a rapid pace. Isaac went up to it and stuck his hand through it when it opened, but pulled it back before it closed. He did this several times. Wanting to test the doors strength, Isaac picked up the waste basket and stuck it between the door and the wall, where it was crushed.
“I'll have to time this right.” Isaac said to himself.
Isaac took several steps back, then after waiting a few seconds charged at the door and ran right into it as it closed. Isaac fell back on the floor and felt something.
“A Stasis module. I haven't used one of these since I had it confiscated for slowing down a car in front of a train track.” Isaac said.
Isaac strapped the device on his left wrist. He shot an aura of blue energy at the door. The door turned blue and slowed way down. Isaac stood right between it and the wall for fun, but then the stasis wore off and it slammed right into him several times. Barely, he managed to get to the other side, heavily wounded. Pouring Med gel all over his body, he continued down another hallway.
He found some more credits and a stasis pack in front of a door and went into the restroom.
“Theres always something useful in the restroom in any survival horror video game.” Isaac pointed out.
Isaac found some oddly placed plasma cartridges in the sink and an even odderly placed med kit in an empty toilet. Before leaving, he examined one toilet that was clogged with green sludge.
“I think I'll have to go Silent Hill 2 on this.” Isaac said.
Isaac was about to stick his hand in the toilet to see if there was a key in it, but all of the sudden, it vomited green sludge out. Isaac screamed and vacated the bathroom as quickly as he could.
“I thought pukers wouldn't appear until Dead Space 2.” Isaac pondered.
Isaac wiped the unknown fluid off his suit with a severed arm that was laying on the floor and went through another door. The room he was in had a small catwalk and an open view of the tram track. A busted tram sat on the tracks, covered in graffiti like “IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!” or “I'M DYING!!”.
“I must be really lucky that this tram broke down in front of the repair station. I wonder how they retrieve trams that aren't?” Isaac wondered.
4 guys in blue jumpsuits and yellow hard hats were carefully balancing themselves on the narrow tram rails. 3 of them were pulling on a chain connected to the disabled tram.
“Come on, put your backs into it!” The one not pulling said.
“This thing weighs 1000 pounds!” One guy said.
“Whatever, keep pulling.” The first one said.
“Don't we have cranes or something for this?” Another guy asked.
“Nope, we have to pull it to the repair station.” The first said.
“Why the hell is thing thing broken anyway? It couldn't have collided with a car.” The last one said.
“It was another Unitologist suicide bomber.” The first said.
“Another one? Those assholes are worse than Cthulhu worshipers.” The last said again.
“Enough chat, keep pulling.” The first said.
“Why aren't you helping?” The second said.
“Keep Pulling!” The first one yelled.
Pissed off, the first guy dropped the chain and shoved the first guy off the rail. He disappeared in the blackness below.
“Where does that pit lead?” The third asked.
“Who knows. It's not on the ship's schematics. Let's go to the Habitation deck and grab a bite to eat.” The first said.
“Sweet!” The fourth said.
Back in the present...
Isaac walked down the catwalk and saw a weird blue cabinet on the wall. He opened it and grabbed a power node.
“Ohhh! Now I can....What do I do with these again?” Isaac wondered.
Isaac stuffed it in his suit and pressed the button on one of the holographic consoles. A long arm with a claw on it latched on to the tram.
“Cool, what else can this do?” Isaac wondered with amazement.
Before Isaac could play with the machinery, a Slasher burst out of a nearby vent. Isaac shot off it's head with his Plasmas cutter.
“Oh my god! Sorry!” He said.
The slasher ran towards him and Isaac backpedaled rapidly until he hit the wall. He ducked as the slasher thrust both blades towards his head and got stuck in the wall. Isaac maneuvered around it's legs and rolled scotch tape all over it's groin.
“Put some clothes on next time.” Isaac said.
With the creature struggling to get free, Isaac carried on his work. He pressed another button, which caused a claw to grab him and move him in the center. A massive metal cylinder closed around him. Screams could be heard from within it and steam seeped out of the cracks. The cylinder them opened, Isaac now had a black jumpsuit with white armor pieces and a green visor. A mirror was held in front of him
“Hey, that looks nice. I thought you could only customize armor in Halo.” Isaac said.
Then, all of the sudden, a green holographic window popped up saying that he must pay 5000 credits.
“5000? Fuck you!” Isaac yelled, smashing the window.
Isaac may be an idiot, but he can also get angry too. After his awesome makeover, he pressed another button on the control panel (The slasher was still stuck). Another large claw moved to the other end of the tram.
“There we go, now we can-” Isaac started.
The claw did not grab onto the tram. As it began retracting, it's claws finally closed, though not on the tram.
“What the?” Isaac wondered.
Isaac pressed the button over and over again, watching it repeat this several times.
“Hmmm, them claws must be rusted. A shame I don't have any oil.” Isaac said.
Isaac leaned on the safety bars of the catwalk to think. They snapped under his weight and upon hitting the floor, he accidentally misfired his Stasis module at the slasher stuck in the wall.
“Say, I can use my stasis module to fix it!” Isaac said.
Isaac got up off the floor and pressed the button again. As the claw reached out to grab the tram, he hit it with a stasis shot and it slowed down. This gave it enough time to lock it's claws around the tram's side.
“Yippee! I solved a completely insignificant puzzle.” Isaac said.
Isaac jumped up and clicked his heels together. The Slasher hissed at him.
“Not another word from you, your in time out.” Isaac said.
Isaac stuck a pacifier in the slasher's neck hole, because it's head was gone. He press another button and the tram was pulled into the station.
“There we go. Now I just have to repaint the side, straighten out the fractures, reprogram the system, repair the hook-” Isaac went on.
“Isaac, you don't have to fix that one, theres like 50 others that still work.” Hammond said.
“Oh, I forgot.” Isaac said.
“Kendra, what does he, damn it, put that lipstick away! What else does he need to do?” Hammond asked.
“He still needs another data board. Go to the maintenance area. Now let me finish my lips.” Kendra said.
Isaac went back into the hallway and ambushed by another slasher. Isaac grabbed it's arms and tried to hold them back.
“Damn, for skinny arms, these things are tough.” Isaac said.
Isaac threw the slasher off himself and shot both of it's arms off. After looking at it's empty sockets, It ran up to Isaac and started kicking him weakly. Isaac shoved it back and shot one of it's legs off. It fell on the ground and wriggled around like a worm, growling. Isaac walked around it, knowing it was harmless. As he got halfway down the hall, he saw something in the ceiling. It looked like the top half of a human with teeth. Before he knew it, it scattered away.
“Oh my god, the Lickers from Resident Evil were being kept on this ship!” Isaac squealed.
Terrified, Isaac stopped the malfunctioning door with his hands and pried it open then jumped into the tram tunnel.
“It's a good thing those monsters only attack in small enclosed spaces. This area is way too wide. No chance of an attack here.” Isaac said confidently.
Suddenly, 3 floor vents bust open and slashers crawled out of them.
“Oh come on!” Isaac whined.
Isaac hit one with a stasis shot by accident. He meant to just hold out his hand and yelled “stop in the name of intergalactic law”.
“Oh yeah, I forgot this can affect living things.” Isaac said.
Isaac tried to shoot another blast, but his stasis module just blurred.
“Out of energy? These things run out faster than those damn portable Sega genesises.” Isaac said.
A slasher charged at Isaac, who ducked. The slasher tripped over him and it plummeted into the black bottomless pit behind Isaac. Isaac shot the leg off another slasher and ran past it and the second one. The second ran after him while the 3rd crawled. Isaac stopped and reloaded his Plasma cutter. Just as he aimed it at the second slasher, it swatted the Plasma cutter out of his hand.
Isaac ducked it's horizontal swing and grabbed a handful of cigarettes. Standing back up, he shoved them in it's mouth and punched it. It fell back on the 3rd slasher, crushing it's arms, killing it. Isaac hastily grabbed his Plasma cutter and fired the entire clip into the second slasher, slicing it into several pieces. Isaac left the tram tunnel and returned to the maintenance corridor.
“Isaac, while I was waiting for my mascara to dry, I unlocked the Maintenance elevator.” Kendra said.
“I'm getting tired of Kendra's mobile beauty salon Isaac, get that fucking tram fixed or I'm gonna make Kendra eat her lipstick!!” Hammond said.
“Uhh, yes sir.” Isaac said.
Isaac got on the newly unlocked maintenance elevator and took it down to the lower level.
“Since the maintenance room is locked, you'll have to find the key.” Kendra said.
“Where can I find the key?” Isaac asked.
“What?” Kendra asked.
“Never mind.” Isaac said.
Isaac stepped out of the elevator when it stopped. He was on a series of catwalks suspended over a pit with brown smoke. He spied another green crate.
“Oh good, these are like those mushrooms on those strange games with the Italian plumbers.” Isaac said.
Before Isaac could break the crate open, a slasher tackled him from behind. Isaac shot off both of it's arms and it went limp. He shoved it's corpse off and smashed the crate, grabbing some credits.
“I feel really uneasy about these catwalks. They don't seem very sturdy.” Isaac said.
Suddenly, another slasher came running towards Isaac. Isaac shot his plasma cutter, missing the first 7 shots until a stray one hit a red canister on the floor, which exploded, throwing slasher pieces everywhere.
“Wow, who knew red canisters could explode! I've never seen that before.” Isaac said.
“Is he really that dumb?” Leon S Kennedy from Resident Evil 4 asked himself as he read the last sentence.
Isaac used this new knowledge when he encountered another slasher, of course he had to fire 3 shots to hit the canister because he missed the first 2, but it still did the job. Then he encountered another slasher and he raised his gun and it just clicked. Out of Plasma Cartridges.
“Uh oh. I never saw this coming.” Isaac said.
The slasher got an empty Plasma cutter swung into it's face and was shoved to the ground. Isaac ran past it and bumped into another slasher. He bashed it in the face too and ran past it. He got on a small elevator and rode it up one floor.
“AH HA! You'll never catch me now!” Isaac taunted.
When the elevator stopped, Isaac quickly smashed another green item crate.
“A small med kit? I don't need this! I want ammo!” Isaac cursed.
Isaac threw the med kit on the floor and it shot it's healing gel into Isaac's visor. Isaac fell on the back of a slasher that was laying on the floor. It shook around violently. Isaac just managed to wipe the gel off his visor when it knocked him off.
The slasher stood over him. Without any ammo, Isaac grabbed the closest thing he could get to and shoved it in the slasher's mouth. It turns out, it was a hose to a helium tank. Isaac twisted the valve until he heard a blowing noise.
The slasher quickly inflated into a huge round shape. Isaac tried to turn the helium off, but he broke the valve off. He pulled the hose out of the slasher's mouth and it went zooming around all over the room while slowly deflating. It landed at Isaac's feet, completely flat.
“I can't believe that actually worked in real life.” Isaac said, bewildered.
Isaac picked up the empty skin and a plasma cartridge fell out.
“These things drop ammo? Never saw that coming.” Isaac said, reloading his gun.
Isaac looked around and saw a corpse with 2 shiny things next to it. As he was about to pick them up, another slasher burst from a nearby vent. Isaac managed to killed it and picked up the first item, an Audio log.
“Damn it, another fucking tram broke down. I'm so sick and tired of dragging these things to those horrible repair stations! Why the hell don't we have cranes down here?” It said.
Isaac picked up the other item, which was the key. He started heading back to the small elevator when one of the slashers climbed up to the catwalk he was on. He shot off it's arms and took the elevator down, where he slaughtered more slashers.
Isaac whistled as he backtracked to to maintenance room and unlocked it. His eyes lit up as he set his eyes on it's contents. It had a work bench, a data board, a wall bin, a locker, and another power node. It was any engineer's dream. Ignoring the data board, Isaac emptied the containers and took the power node. Then he opened the workbench, where a message popped up.
“Use power nodes to upgrade weapons and equipment.” It said.
“Oh, thats what power nodes are for. Who knew?” Isaac wondered.
Isaac upgraded his Plasma cutter and closed the bench. He picked up the data board and opened a video feed with Hammond and Kendra.
“Hey, guys, I found the-” Isaac started.
On the feed, Hammond was trying to shove Kendra's lipstick down her throat. Kendra was holding his arms back.
“EAT IT YOU CRAZY BITCH!!!” Hammond yelled.
“Hmmm, must be making out.” Isaac guessed.
Isaac closed the video feed and left the maintenance room. He shot another slasher that was trying to sneak up on him and returned to the tram control room. Through the window, he could see Hammond chasing Kendra around the platform. Isaac replaced the damaged data board in the control panel and pressed the holographic button. Hammond ceased chasing Kendra when he saw a tram come up to his platform.
“Thanks Isaac, now we can, Kendra, you can stop running. Anyway, we're gonna check out the bridge. Thats the most likely place people will hole up and get killed, so it's the perfect place to go. Go back to the Kellion and make sure it's ready to take off. We'll check back later.” Hammond said.
“You lay one finger on my powder and I will scratch your eyes out.” Kendra threatened.
Hammond and Kendra got on the parked tram and it zoomed off in another direction. Isaac left the room and went back into the hallway he came in earlier. A slasher had it's back turned to him. Isaac shot it's legs and arms off. Then he walked past it and was terrified to see a normal human face on it.
“What the hell man?” The slasher asked.
“You can talk?” Isaac asked.
“Of course I can. You retarded or something?” The slasher asked.
“I just never heard any other monsters talk.” Isaac said.
“I'm not a monster.” The slasher said.
“But why do you have blades growing out of your hands?” Isaac asked, pointing to the blades.
“This is my costume. I came here for a Halloween party. It must have been canceled.” The slasher said.
“Oh. Well, bye bye.” Isaac said, walking away.
“Wait! Your just going to leave me here!? Help me!” The slasher yelled.
Isaac ignored the man's pleas and returned to the small workshop he found his cutter in. Taking the elevator back down, he hoped to kill the slasher that chased him earlier. Then he saw the slasher's head on the floor and he passed out in fear again.
After waking up a few seconds later, Isaac walked back down the hall. He saw the boulder sitting in the massive dent it made in the wall. Next to it was a slasher. Before Isaac could shoot it, it fled into a vent.
“Hmm, must be vent cleaning creatures.” Isaac said.
Isaac went further down the hall and 2 slashers broke through the ceiling. Thinking he could get to the waiting room without wasting ammo, Isaac ran to the door and pressed it's button. It didn't open right away this time. Isaac glanced behind him and saw the slashers running towards him.
“Stupid doors, why can't we just use old wooden ones like we used to?” Isaac wondered.
The door finally opened and Isaac jumped through and slammed it shut before the slashers got in.
“Whew, that was close.” Isaac said.
Suddenly, the slashers from the other room broke through an airvent and leaped out into the room.
“They can follow me into different rooms? That's not fair.” Isaac said.
Isaac ducked underneath one of the slasher's blows and shot it's leg off.
“Look at Haunting Ground, that game made it hard to focus on objectives because some big ape guy kept chasing the sexy little girl around.” Isaac pointed out.
Isaac smacked the other slasher in the face and shot off it's leg and both arms.
“And Silent Hill Shattered Memories was just a big pile of shit.” Isaac said.
Isaac blew both of the arms off the other slasher. He went into the waiting room and smashed some more green crates.
“Isaac, we made it to the bridge, and I think I was right. Theres no one here.” Hammond said.
“And it's really dark. I can't see my face.” Kendra said.
“Good, maybe now you can stop putting powder on it every 5 damn seconds!” Hammond said.
“If I don't do it, my wrinkles will show!” Kendra said.
“Whatever, you crazy bimbo. Isaac, just prep the Kellion for take off. We'll be back as soon as we fix the ship.” Hammond said.
“I thought I could fix it.” Isaac said.
The line dropped and Isaac was left answer-less. He was crushed by this and moped all the way to the walkway. A slasher without any legs crawled towards him. Isaac shot both arms off without even looking. He glanced over the side and saw the little golden statue he saw earlier. He wanted to just jump over the railing and grab it, but some weird lack of a jump control prevented him from doing so.
Isaac reentered the empty Kellion, where a huge smear of makeup was on the windshield. He grabbed the med kit he threw away earlier and went up to the control panel. He pressed a button and it started running start up protocols. Isaac sat down in one of the pilot's chairs and spun around in it until he was dizzy.
“We've lost control captain!” He joked.
Isaac got off the chair and struggled to stand up straight. Everything he saw was in triples. Suddenly, the screen flashed red and said “system error”. Isaac looked towards the windshield and saw a new type of monster. It had no jaw, 2 normal arms with sharp claws, and it's legs were replaced by a tail. When Isaac looked at it, he saw 20 of them.
“AAAAHHHHH! They're swarming me!” He screamed.
“Warning, engine overload imminent, please exit via main door before incineration.” A computer voice said.
Isaac ran face first into the wall on the count of his dizziness. Turning slightly, he slipped on the remains of Hammond's gelatin. Getting up again, he ran into the chair he sat in earlier. The creature, a leaper, on the windshield watched in confusion. Isaac finally stumbled out of the Kellion with the wastebasket on his head. The Kellion's engines exploded and it's shell was blown to pieces. Isaac took the wastebasket off his head and looked around.
“Say, where'd the Kellion go?” Isaac asked.
“Oh my god...The Kellion Blew up...”Kendra said paralyzed.
Isaac did his best to cover his ears when he heard Kendra let out a massive piercing scream.
“ALL MY BEST CLOTHES WERE ON IT!! HAMMOND, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! I HATE ALL OF YOU! GET ME MORE CLOTHES AND MAKE UP RIGHT NOW!!!” Kendra screamed.
Hammond shoved a massive piece of duct tape to Kendra's mouth, shutting her up.
“Oh shit. Oh shit, oh shit. Okay, we can still make it through this.” Hammond said.
“Really? How?” Isaac asked.
“...No, we'll all probably die. Wait! If we had the captain's RIG, we could use the command computer!” Hammond said.
“What will that do?” Isaac asked.
“You got me, but it's worth a shot. Isaac, we'll send the Tram back to you.” Hammond said.
On the video feed, Kendra saw something that wasn't on the camera. She was traumatized and started pulling on Hammond's shoulder.
“Not now Kendra. Look, take the tram to the med deck and find the captains body. His RIG should still be on it. Damn it Kendra, get off.” Hammond said.
“How did you know the captain is on the med deck?” Isaac asked.
“Leave me alone Kendra! It was easy, I just. Oh shit! RUN!” Hammond screamed.
The video feed went dead. Isaac was once again left answer-less. He didn't have time to worry about that now, he saw 5 slashers heading his way.
“Uh-oh, I'd better retreat in the-” Isaac started.
Isaac turned around and almost fell off the bridge.
“Oh, right. Blown up.” He said.
Isaac stepped to the side to let a careless slasher run right off the ledge. He blew off an arm, a leg, another leg, an arm, an ear, a head, a buttock, and another arm. As he reloaded, he saw a bunch of handicapped slashers moving towards him instead of un-handicapped slashers. Since they were crippled, they were very easy to kill. At the end of it, the walkway was littered with body parts.
“Whew, I hope the janitor is still alive.” Isaac said.
Isaac walked through the debris back into the waiting room. He noticed another door across from the elevator that was open. Going through it, he looted some wall bins and saw another med kit in the bathroom.
“Good, I can always use another-” Isaac started.
Suddenly, Isaac saw green slime shoot out from one of the stalls.
“VOMITING TOILETS!!” He screamed.
Isaac turned around and ran into the elevator Kendra and Hammond took earlier and pressed the button 20 times. The doors closed and it started ascending. The doors opened when it stopped and Isaac carefully stepped out. He was at a Tram platform with couches for waiting people. The tram was there and there was also a strange booth on the side.
“Cool, a shopping Kiosk! I repaired one of these once, to get the credits inside, heh heh.” Isaac said.
Isaac went over to the Kiosk and it's console unfolded. It had 2 items for sale, Power Nodes, and a RIG suit upgrade.
“OOOHH! I've always wanted a new suit!” Isaac squealed.
Isaac purchased the suit upgrade and the console folded back up. A hidden circular chamber opened behind it and Isaac went inside.
“I hope my claustrophobia doesn't kick up.” Isaac muttered.
The doors closed around the chamber. A bright line scanned down the crack between them.
“OH MY GOD! THAT TICKLES! HAHAhAhaHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Isaac chuckled inside.
When the chamber doors opened, Isaac's visor now had more segments and more pieces of armor attached to his suit. His inventory was also expanded.
“Cool, This is probably the highest level RIG suit ever! I can blaze through this ship without a scratch, woo woo!” Isaac bragged.
Since there was nothing at the Tram station, Isaac got on the tram and selected the Medical deck on the control panel. As it moved down the tunnel, Isaac sat down and started looking at a Rachel Ray Magazine.
“Ugh, how many calories does that have?” Isaac asked.
To be continued...
Those 3 figures near the beginning also appeared in my Echo Fright story. Read it's final chapter to find out who they are. Please review, I love getting reviews. I'll have the next chapter ready soon, keep watching.