Here I was locked in a single embrace of the lips, unable to feel the butterflies that I was accustomed to, but it was okay, this feeling was better. Way better though it could have been weird if you looked at the scene from the outside, because here I was being kissed by a man twice my age, with a ragged and heavy appearance. His blonde hair hidden away except at the edges of his beret, and a logo stamped on the bottom, I didn’t quite understand, still, I felt something for this man. A pure longing, a pure satisfaction that I knew he would be my husband later on in my life, even if that sounded weird. Okay, that sounded extremely weird, because I was only 22 and again, he was older and stronger despite his status. His status that shaped his vengeance, his missing arm and leg, and his reliance on his crutch, but he perfected it. He perfected the stance that he meant to have, but if his lot in this life did change, it would have to be now, with me. Though, this was the second time he’d kissed me out of nowhere, and out came the longing. My hands wanted to explore every inch of his imperfect body, clothed or not, and I didn’t know if I could control my rambling heart.
It must have been so easy for him to do this. He probably was a womanizer but did that change now and yet he treated me differently. He treated me with respect and didn’t see me as another conquest, but was it because we had destiny written in our stars? Or because he really cared? Was he crashing towards this fate we couldn’t avoid? Was he loving me for me?
That last name shuddered me down to the bone, and I couldn’t help the inflowing of swelling emotion, emotion of utter joy and contentment. Why he would dare utter that to me was beyond me, as he hated it passionately, or at least felt a sting of annoyance from it when he heard it in passing from the soldiers on deck. Yet, there was change right with us here in this moment, and I couldn’t stand it any longer. I wanted to tear him apart, break him down to feel closer to the remnants of his heart. He had one, and I had to search for it in his actions now. “Oh, Kazuhira. You don’t know, do you? Don’t you know how it hurts so much?”
Wrong choice of words stringed together, and I wondered why the wrong things rhymed perfectly while I stumbled over the right ones. I couldn’t breathlessly take it back but it could have been wrong, could have been incorrect again. What could I do to diffuse the situation? Lie through my teeth, feign ignorance? I could do any of those things and it would have been all right, and all right it should have been. He didn’t move, but the mood shifted though no words were passed through those sweet lips. Soon the world swirled and I found myself sobbing on the kitchen’s floor, clutching at any sanity I could find, all alone, because I had driven him away with my idiocy. My ignorance.
It must have been easy for him to love me, when I couldn’t love myself, not in these moments.
It must have been easy to lie again.
Still, I recalled the exact moment I had come, however blurry the memory became as new memories formed here on Mother Base, with him.
I was a simple girl, in a simple world, and from the future, yes; the future of the 2000s’, so how did I wind up in the 80s’ with a future husband of mine? How did he know of this? I told him. I evidently made all attempts to be close to him, and make everything safe and sound.
It couldn’t be easy with his past failures, and the past in general, his past, his upbringing, and his life now. How little I knew of him, and yet I wanted to be with him now and forever in a place of safety, but everything was in fire in his world. There was no lullabies for anyone of us, and yet with morning light, things had to be okay for he was there, and nothing could hurt us.