"Riley, what scars are you talking about?" Donnie said as he held my hands tightly causing a slight sting that I ignored. I stopped breathing when I realized and processed what I said.
'Oh God, please Donnie, please don't think too much into what I said.' Raced throughout my mind and hit my head like a rock. I was so scared and so terrified that they would find out, not being able to breathe made me feel entrapped and helpless.
"I meant mental scars, Don." I said quickly, hoping that I could stop myself from drowning and falling deeper in. The eerie silence and awkwardness could be sliced with a knife, I could feel the turtles shift and struggle in the corner of my eye.
"Uh, ok..." Leo said as if he was trying to keep the conversation alive and try to get more information out of me about Bruce. Raph kept standing in the background, eyeing me carefully. I wanted Donnie to let go of my hands so that I could cover them under the table. I tired to not look at my arms but it was so tempting, I just had to glance.
"So Riley how long ha-" Leo stared back up where Don had left off but Raph interrupted. He got up of the wall and grabbed me by the forearm. I loudly yelled out from the pain that he caused, who knew that I would have a bruise soon.
"Raphael! Let her go!" Don screamed from the shock and intensely, he stumbled a bit back in his seat to process what had happened. Mikey kept sitting where he was, wide eyed and mouth opened. The poor turtle couldn't say anything.
I looked into Raphael's green eyes, they were narrow and would keep staring at my forearm where my wrist held scars. I tried to push him back and struggle from his restraint, but it was useless. He had a death grip on me.
"Show them to me." He mumbled under his breath, still not looking at me but looking at my arm. Donnie and Mikey looked so confused but Leo pulled out his katana, ready to fight his brother if he had to. I quickly shook my head no, I couldn't show the turtles. Hell, no one knows about my scars. they were always kept a secret from everyone. And now that I finally have friends, I can't push them away with simple pale and white lines that have been engraved on my skin.
"What is he talking about, Riley?" Donnie asked as he got up, he was taking action.
"Show them to me!" He yelled out louder, pulling my arm down a bit, demonstrating that he wasn't afraid to pull up my sleeve for me. I felt a rock in my throat and my vision started to get blurry, my nose got runny and my legs went weak. I shook my head no once more, hoping that Raphael would get the message. Hoping that he would know that I'm not ready, I'm not ready for this.
"Ple-Please don't d-do this, please." I whispered under my breath, it was getting hard to talk, my emotions were getting all stirred up. The lump in my throat got harder and harder, if Raph wasn't holding me up, I would be on the floor crying now, wrapped up in a little ball.
"Let her go Raphael! Now! That's an order!"
"Show them or I fucking will!!" But he didn't give me a chance to react, it's not like I was going to anyways. The turtle pulled up my sleeve, showing my bandages that had blood seeping through them. He quickly unwrapped them, and showed my scars to his brothers. I closed my eyes, closing them as hard as I could possibly, maybe then I couldn't see, I would forget everything around me.
Small slight gasps escaped the turtles, I bit the inside of my cheek to stop myself from hysterically crying. I could imagine their facial expressions without even looking. Mikey would look away, Donnie would wonder why, Leo would clench his teeth, and Raph would look down shamefully. I knew the Raph didn't want to be right, but he was.
I couldn't hold it anymore.
"I-I'm so s-sorry! Please!" I whispered out loudly, as I fell back into my seat and the tears started rushing down my face and falling into my lap. I couldn't control it anymore, I had been holding it in for so long.
Why do bad things always happen to good people? I never understood the question. Maybe it's because I don't think I'm a good person. I'm not. I'm broken, damaged, irreversible, and unfixable.
Mikey jumped up from where he stood, and scooped me up into his arms. He ran his fingers through my hair as he softly shushed me. I covered my face into the crook of his arm and held it there. I couldn't look at the turtles. They probably think of me as some sort of freak. they probably think of me as some messed up person in the brain. I was failure.
"It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay." He repeated over and over again into my ear, his whispers were so soft and so calming to me. Mikey carried me away from the kitchen and took me over to the living room, he set me down on his lap as he sat down on the couch. The other turtles followed us and sat down on the couch across. I could hear them murmuring about something that I couldn't make out.
After five minutes, or to me which felt like an hour, I stopped crying and opened my eyes.
"Can you...can you explain it to us?" Leo said softly, he voice was soft, his face was soft, his smile was soft. Everything about him screamed 'PITY'. I opened my mouth and quickly closed it, how could I really explain everything?
I glanced down at my arms which were still uncovered and bear. I cringed at the sudden contact with my wound, but I said nothing. I stared at my wound like it was nothing. I glanced up at Raph, who gaped at the site of my arm. My focus switched back to Leo's expression. He was quiet. Surprised, even.
Mikey, who I was still sitting on his lap, grabbed my left arm, did the same action that Raphael did but softer. I heard Donnie gasp next to me.
I bit my lip. I really wanted to grab my arm back and say that I just fell or that my friends cat scratched me, but I knew it was too late. It was too obvious that they were self inflicted wounds. The lines across were to... Perfect. Too deep. I tried to say something that would ease the situation.
They were at a loss for words: and I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or bad thing. They just stared at each other, and back at me, then back to my arms, then continued on thinking.
"Please talk to us..." Don said as he kneeled down besides me and put my hands into his like before, they were still warm compared to my icy cold figures.
"After a while, I just stopped talking. Talking about my feelings, concerns, passions... I mean nobody cared anyways."
"There's more to this, isn't there?"
"Do you want me to go back to asking you those simple questions?" Don asked. I simply nodded, wanting to turn the subject quickly.
"What happened to your real parents?"
"They were murdered, they were killed by Purple Dragons. Mom was a teacher. Dad wrote in the newspaper. He wrote about them. And they found him and killed him. They killed Mom too. All I could do was sit there and watch."
"How long have you been living with Bruce?"
"Is that how long he's-"
"Do you know how many-"
"No. I lost count."
"Can you-" Donnie started to ask another question and I was getting annoyed.
I already said too much. I already shared too much, and I want all of my secrets back. I hate getting close to people these days, I always regret sharing too much, doing too much, feeling too much.
I wanted to be alone.
And yet I didn't at the same time.
"Riley?" He asked as I looked back at him, I had completely tuned him out of my mind. My eyes widened when I realized that everyone was still around me.
I'm not completely sure as to what triggered this. Depression. Of course, I do wake up one morning and think, "Today, I'm going to kill myself." No, it doesn't work like that. Over the past few years, my thoughts have been slowly becoming worse with each passing day. My thoughts slowly become what I believe to be true. You can think whatever you want, it's your free will so you are free to do so. However, the things that you think aren't necessarily true, unless you convince yourself that you are.
I somehow convinced myself that my existence is worthless and pathetic, and that I don't deserve to live on this planet. It just gets worse.