Not Going Out - Series 8 My Take

Relatives

After a long day at work and an almost burnt dinner, Lucy and Lee finally settle down in front of the television with a plan to do nothing but cuddle up and de-stress by watching a light-hearted drama. However, only half an hour into their relaxation, there is a knock at the door.

From her position against his chest, Lucy gazes up at Lee expectantly.

‘What?’ he says.

‘Aren’t you going to get that?’

‘No.’

She pulls back a bit. ‘Why not?’

‘Because I’m not your doormat.’

‘That’s true. A doormat welcomes people. If you were a doormat, it’d have “Sod Off” written across it.’

‘If I was a doormat, I’d be covered in footprints with the amount of intrusions we’ve had this week.’

‘Just get the door Lee.’

‘Why? It’ll just be another one of your relatives again come to interrogate me.’

‘They weren’t that bad.’

‘Weren’t bad? I thought I was on Mastermind. And who was that hairy child your parents brought round yesterday?’

‘That was their dog.’

‘Sure it wasn’t a cousin of yours?’

‘Why?’

‘You are part of the Adams family after all.’

There’s another knock.

‘Lee?’ she raises her eyebrows at him.

‘Fine,’ he huffs and goes to walk over to the door.

‘I wonder who it could be?’

‘At the rate things have been going, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s your Grandma Bess back from the grave.’

On opening the door, Lee comes face to face with a woman clad from head to toe in a black Victorian dress, a frizz of black hair framing her face and her eyes are coated in a circle of black paint.

‘Good God, it’s Alice Cooper in drag.’ Lee can do nothing but stare at the woman in wonder.

‘It’s me, Daisy.’

‘Why are you dressed like that?’

‘I’m meant to be that character from The Woman in Black. Oh, what’s her name? She’s the ghost.’

‘The Woman in Black?’

‘That’s it!’

‘Why?’

‘I wanted to see what it would feel like if my house was haunted.’

‘And how is that working out for you?’

‘I’ve discovered that my bathroom is.’

‘How?’

‘Every time I walk in, there’s this Victorian woman in black staring back at me.’

‘Does she appear anywhere else in your house?’

‘She’s in the bedroom too.’

‘Do either of these rooms have mirrors?’

‘They both do.’

‘I think we can see where the ghost is coming from.’

‘Oh God! Do you think she is trapped in mirrors?’

Lee shakes his head in resignation while Lucy comes over to join them.

‘Why have you popped round, Daisy?’ Lucy asks.

‘Yeah, shouldn’t you be haunting Daniel Radcliff?’ Lee adds.

‘You’re parents asked me to tell you that your auntie Sally is visiting them for the weekend and that they will be over tomorrow.’

‘Oh no,’ Lucy says.

‘What’s wrong?’ Lee asks.

‘Auntie Sal is what you would call the black sheep of the family. If we can, we try and avoid inviting her to functions.’

‘Why?’

‘She’s a sex therapist.’

‘So? My auntie’s a stripper but we still invited her over,’ says Lee.

‘Did she embarrass you?’

‘Not really, but she left a terrible mess on the walls.’

‘What did she do?’

‘Mum asked her to redecorate our living room. She swore to my Dad that she knew how to use that wallpaper stripper.’

‘I have an auntie that used to sell porn,’ Daisy adds.

‘Really?’ Lucy and Lee question simultaneously.

‘She was popular in her day. Clients came from all over the world to taste her goods. She’s retired now.’

‘Getting too old is she?’ Lee says.

‘No. She couldn’t afford to run her business anymore. The fishing industry is not like it used to be.’

‘Daisy,’ Lucy interjects. ‘Did you mean that your auntie used to sell prawns?’

‘That’s what I said.’

Both Lee and Lucy raise their eyebrows at the weird creature before them, trying to figure out if she actually has a working brain cell amongst the neurons inside her head.

‘Come on,’ Lee says as he turns to his wife. ‘I’m sure she’ll be fine. She can’t be any worse than my Dad.’

‘Trust me. You do not want to meet my aunt. When I introduced her to my first boyfriend, she sat him down and started talking about ways he could stimulate a woman’s arousal.’

‘They say advice is always welcomed.’

‘I was nine! And the guy has been in psychotherapy ever since.’

‘Well it looks like we don’t have any choice. I’m sure I will be able to handle your aunt.’

‘Maybe, but let’s hope she doesn’t start handling you.’


‘Lee?’ Lucy shouts into their bedroom. ‘Lee? Are you ready yet? They’ll be here in a minute.’

Lee comes strolling into the living area wearing a dark pink shirt, faded blue/grey jeans and a grey jacket. However, as Lucy looks him over she notices that his flies are not done up and the bottom of the shirt is sticking out through them. She points this out to him.

‘I know. That’s what I’ve been doing in there for the past ten minutes. The zip’s stuck. It looks like Mr. Whippy has popped out to say hello.’

‘Have you tried jiggling it?’

‘I’ve tried jiggling, I’ve tried jumping, I’ve even tried rubbing butter on it, but the bloody thing still won’t budge.’

‘Let me have a go,’ and without further thought, Lucy goes to kneel down in front of him.

‘While you’re down there, I don’t suppose you could…?’

‘No.’

‘Worth a try.’

Lucy tugs on it a few times, but nothing happens. ‘Christ Lee, what have you done to it? It’s really stiff.’ She attempts again. ‘It’s useless, it won’t go up.’

‘Make your mind up woman. A minute ago you said it was stiff. You can’t have it both ways.’

Lucy halts in her fumbling to stare up at her husband. ‘That’s not what you were saying last night.’

‘Watch what you are doing. There’s valuable goods stashed inside.’

‘What? A pork sausage and two baby sprouts.’

‘Have you managed to move it or not?’

At that precise moment, Geoffrey, Wendy and Sally step through the door unbeknown to the two occupants in the flat.

‘I think I’ve almost done it. Just needs a few more sharp tugs and then you’re up.’

‘Be quick Lucy, your parents will be here soon with…’ but he doesn’t get to continue as he lifts his head up at that precise moment and gazes straight into the eyes of their guests. ‘Geoffrey! What a surprise.’

Lucy leaps up from the floor and turns to face her family, cheeks aflame with embarrassment.

‘That’s what I was going to say.’

‘It’s nice to see you all.’

‘I wish I could say the same,’ his father-in-law says as he eyes the half done up fly.

‘Auntie Sal.’ Lucy steps forward. ‘Let me introduce you. This is my husband, Lee. Lee, this is Sally, my Mother’s sister.’

‘Nice to meet you. You wouldn’t happen to have a cure for a busted zip by any chance?’

Instead of answering, Sally saunters over to Lee, stops a few inches away and reaches her hand southwards.

‘A firm grip with a quick flick of the wrist.’

A few seconds later and Lee feels a sharp tug on his groin area as his zipper is pulled the rest of the way up.

With a grunt, he manages to squeak out, ‘Thank you.’


Laughter trickles around the room as they sit on the sofa reminiscing about the past while lining their stomachs with wine. Well, apart from Lee that is. He’s sat there with a beer in hand trying to watch what he says.

‘You get more like your father every time I see you Lucy,’ says Sally.

‘What?’ Lee mutters. ‘She’s grown a penis?’

‘She always used to go crying to Geoffrey when she didn’t get what she wanted,’ Wendy says. ‘Right little Daddy’s girl.’

‘I thought that was Tim,’ Lee says.

‘And now she’s all grown up and has the brains to go after the best opportunities that come her way.’

‘Then she settled for Lee,’ Geoffrey adds.

‘So what is it that you do, Lee?’ Sally turns her attention to her main object of this evening.

‘Nothing.’

‘You’re unemployed?’

‘I mean I do nothing amazing.’

‘Oh I don’t know,’ says Lucy. ‘The way you manage to actually pee inside the toilet is something spectacular.’

‘I’m an ice-cream man,’ Lee replies.

‘Business must be quiet this time of year.’

‘I discovered a new game to make the day fly by.’

‘What’s that?’

‘Flake Jenga.’ Lee smiles.

‘Doesn’t that get a bit messy?’ Wendy adds.

‘Well, a few parents got the wrong impression.’

‘What else do you sell?’ Sally continues.

‘The usual: Twister, Strawberry Split, Magnum.’

‘That takes me back.’

‘It would do with their prices.’

‘What sells the most?’

‘The 69…I mean the 99.’

‘Do you ever take a bite of your own goods?’

‘No, but Lucy likes to have a nibble.’

‘Anyway,’ Lucy breaks in. ‘More wine, Auntie Sal?’

‘Yes please,’ and she holds out her glass. ‘I hear that Tim and you are close friends, Lee. You’ve ended up in a few tight spots I gather from the stories I’ve been told.’

‘Nothing happened. It was an error of judgment. My foot slipped and he was kneeling in front of me…’

‘She meant the trouble you two have gotten into over the years,’ Geoffrey says.

‘But we always pulled out at the last moment.’

‘And was that how you two met?’ Sally looks at the couple. ‘Through Tim?’

‘I’ve never been through Tim in my life,’ Lee is hasty to comment. Everyone turns their eyes on him and he begins to feel the heat creep up his neck. ‘Oh look. The wine’s gone. I’ll go and get another bottle,’ and before anyone can say otherwise, Lee is up on his feet and scuttles away into the kitchen, closing the door behind him.

As he goes and opens the fridge he hears the doors opening then closing again. Without turning around he says, ‘Your aunt is really testing me tonight, Lucy.’

‘I haven’t even started.’ Lee spins on his heels to face Sally. ‘What’s the matter Lee? You look a bit tense?’ She slowly walks over to him.

‘Am I the past, present or future?’

‘Maybe you should give me that bottle before you drop it. You don’t want any spillage.’

‘The way tonight is turning out, I can assure you there won’t be any premature leakages.’ Nevertheless, he cautiously passes her the bottle and she places it on the counter for the time being.

‘You generally have problems in that area?’

‘When it comes to Champagne, I sometimes get carried away and end up popping the cork too early. It goes off unexpectedly in my hands and Lucy ends up clearing it up.’

‘Does she mind?’

‘She groans a bit, but she gets the job done.’

Just then, Lucy enters with her empty glass. ‘I’ve come to see what’s taking you so long.’

‘We were just talking,’ Sally replies.

‘Anything interesting?’

‘Premature ejaculation,’ Lee bursts out.

‘Oh, is that what we were talking about?’ Sally turns her head back around to gaze at Lee. ‘I just wanted to know if you had trouble holding your bottle.’

‘And does he?’ Lucy questions.

With a quirk of the lips and the raising of one eyebrow, Sally replies with, ‘No. It appears he can hold his own.’


‘So, tonight didn’t go as bad as I predicted,’ Lucy states as her and Lee settle down in the comfort of their bed.

‘I don’t think Geoffrey would agree.’

‘Yes, it was a bit of a shock when Sally asked him what his sexual fantasy with Mum would be.’

‘I think Wendy wasn’t best pleased either. I bet she wasn’t expecting him to act it out.’

‘Dad did have a lot more wine than the rest of us. There’s one thing that puzzles me though.’

‘What’s that?’

‘Where did the handcuffs come from?’

‘Maybe Sally’s a part-time policewoman. She’s pretty good when it comes to interrogation.’

‘I’m quite surprised you managed to go the whole evening without cracking a joke.’

‘There was this sex therapist in bed with her husband…’

‘Don’t spoil it.’ Lucy shifts around under the covers to face him. ‘How did you get on with my aunt?’

‘There was times I thought she was going to question our sex life.’

‘Was it hard?’

‘That’s one of the questions I thought she’d ask.’

‘Can’t you give it to me straight?’

‘I’m glad she didn’t ask that one.’

‘Lee.’

‘We got on. There is one thing I will say about her though.’

‘What’s that?’

‘If she uses sexual innuendo when she talks to her patients, I can’t see them getting anywhere.’

‘Why’s that?’

‘Sally will always come out on top.’

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