On the way to school the next day I had purposely avoided walking by Hiro's house. I just don't know if I can take seeing him today so early. I'll be sure to walk home with him though. Today was really stormy looking, and once I reached my school it started to pour. I had rained all day, and I never thought to bring an umbrella.
School was also worse that usual. You know that test I studied for yesterday and all week? Yeah, the test wasn't even on that subject! It was totally different, and the test was suppose to be really hard. All the kids had made fun of me today; calling me pathetic and useless or whatever. They don't have to tell me that. I already know.
I didn't even have a jacket to put on when school ended and I had to go outside. It was still raining as hard as it was when I last saw the outside world. I step out into the dampness of the streets, and got soaked in seconds. My clothes clang to my body tightly weighing me down. My shoes started filling with water and every step I took it would make a splashing sound. My hair became a wet mess and stuck to my body like glue. I started to feel cold, so I wrapped my arms around my wet body. I looked down at the ground and my hair covered my face.
I started to shiver and sniffle. I was surely going to get sick by this. A second later I heard my name being called. I look up to see Hiro standing on the other side of the side walk with a red umbrella and Baymax by his side.
“Emily, what are you doing?” He called crossing the street. With my shivering hands I slide my hair out of my face.
“I-I didn't bring anything for this weather.” I said with chattering teeth. He put his umbrella over my head to stop the rain from pouring on me and I immediately got so much colder. Hiro brought me into a warm embrace. I was still shivering, but the warmth of his body had felt so nice.
“You're so cold! Here lets get inside.” He suggested taking my hand and leading me into his bakery home. It was nice and warm, but oddly empty and quiet. “My aunt won't be home 'till five. You want to change your clothes? You can borrow some of mine if you'd like.” My cheeks became rosy red and I kept sniffling from the cold.
“Sure...” I mumbled. He brought me upstairs to his room and started searching in drawers for something to wear. He brought out a black and red sweater and gray sweat pants and had lend them to me.
“I thought these would be more comfortable so...” He trailed off and his cheeks dusted with a deep shade of red. I gave him a soft smile and kiss him on the cheek. “Uh, the bathroom's over there across the hall. I'll wait here for you.” I walked off to go the bathroom and changed. My body was so cold and bare, but his clothes warmed me up slightly.
I came back to his room with my wet clothes in hand. He gave me a cheeky smile and laughed. My face heated up and I smiled back. “You look cute. I think you should wear my clothes more often.” My face became a deep shade of red.
“Where should I put my clothes?” I asked handing it to him. He thought about it for second then walked out of the room saying he'd be right back. When he got back he had a plastic bag in his hand and gave it to me.
“You can put your clothes in here for now.” I stuffed the soggy clothes into the bag tossed it to the side. I was still sniffling and extremely cold.
“Do you have an umbrella I can use? I'll give it back tomorrow.” I was planning on leaving because I'm sure he had plans other than babying me, and I was slightly depressed at the moment.
“No, no, no. You are going to stay here until the rain has stopped and you are dry and warm. I'm going to make you hot chocolate and Baymax with warm you up.” He planned. My eyebrows raised in curiosity when Hiro told his nurse robot that I was cold and needed to be warmed up. Hiro then left the room, and Baymax came over, lifted me up carrying me bridal style, then became red like a heater and sat me down.
I have to say, it was slightly odd, but I wasn't going to complain. Baymax was super comfy like a pillow, and warmed me up. It was like cuddling with a big fiery cloud, and it felt really good. A few minutes later Hiro came back with my hot chocolate and handed it to me. I sipped it softly.
“You want to watch a movie to pass the time?” He asked, I nodded my head slowly. He held out his hand to help me up and I took it. We walked out of his room into the living room and we sat down on the couch. He out a blanket and covered me up with it. I cuddled up in the blanket and sipped more of my hot chocolate. We decided which movie we wanted to watch and he turned it on. I wasn't watching it though. I was thinking.
“Hey Hiro, should we talk about yesterday?” I asked with my cheeks flushing. He looked over at me and looked perplexed.
“What about yesterday?” He replied with a question. Honestly I think he's just playing dumb or just trying to forget about it completely. The thought of that crushed my heart. I didn't want to forget. That why I'm bringing it up.
“You know...the thing before I left...” I trailed off biting my bottom lip. A red glow appeared across his face. He seemed shocked.
“Oh, yeah...that...” He replied looking down. “Look Emily, I...” He cut himself off trying to find the perfect words. My heart pounded in my chest. The way he's saying it. The look on his face. I know exacting what he's going to say.
I get up quickly and place my beverage down. I walk to a small door at the end of the hall and I opened up to see it was a closet. Hiro got up as well trying to call after me, and telling me to listen. I walked into the closet and close the door. There isn't a lock on the inside since it's a closet, so I hold the door handle and lean back. I can tell Hiro is just on the other side because he's trying to open the door.
“Emily, please open the door.” He pleaded, but I held it tightly shut. “Okay, I'm just going to sit here then.” He let go and I could hear rummaging on the other side. I had now also let go. I leaned on the door and slid down slowly. The closet was dark and cluttered. I pulled my knees to my chest and just cried...alone. Like always.
He doesn't like me, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I repeated in my mind rocking back and forth crying. That is why I don't get attached to people. It's why I don't like people. I know this is an extreme reaction, and I can't help it. My heart crumples up and tears itself apart. All I want is to leave. That's all I want, but I'm feeling suicidal. The thoughts were rushing through my mind like a thunder storm, and it was so tempting.
I know I have to be rational right now. I know I have to think clearly, but I can't! I can barely breath. I look to my arms and wish I could just take all the pain away. Like something could take it all away, and I'd be okay again. I'll be fine. I will be fine.
I plan on what I'm going to do, and I feel calmer at the second. I need to think of what to do, and yet there is only one thing. I have to open the door and face my biggest fear, rejection.
I slowly open the door to see Hiro right there staring up at me. He quickly gets up. “Emily, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.” I tried my hardest not to cry, and held it in my heart. Safe and secure. “Look, what I was try to say is I don't think we should date right now. I don't think it's right.” He looked down. My heart crumbled up into a ball. It feels like I just got shot, and to think I loved him! I love him...
My breath sped up, and I was trying not to cry but at this point I was failing. “I think I should go.” I said burst into his room, grabbed my bag and clothes, and ran off back into the rain. My heart sank deep into my chest. As rain pelted my skin my warm and salty tears heated me. My insides felt so empty and I felt so stupid. Just like always. This always happens to me. This only happens to me. Every single time! No one has ever liked me, ever. And no one will. That is all I know.
I reached home and ran into my room throwing myself onto my bed and crying my eyes out. How could he not like me? How could he do all of that to me and not like me? I feel so cheated. So tricked. Maybe I'm just ugly. Or stupid. No one would care if I died. No one would care. No one cares about me. No one understands how I feel.
I reach out my phone to check it, and there are three messages I am definitely not going to check. My heart felt like it was getting sucked into a black hole and I was going to die. I am going to die. I will die. I will die right now.
I felt like screaming. How could I feel so strongly about this? Am I crazy or something? That must be it.
The next few days have been absolutely awful. The words the kids say at school got to me more than they ever have before. One thing they say sticks out the most for me though. No one likes you. Just go kill yourself. My heart hurts when I think or even hear of the words. The thing is. I already know that. I know I should. Maybe I will.
The work my teachers give me have been even harder. Do they even think about how this is making me feel? I'm stressed out all the time! I have now cried myself to sleep every night now, and I can't stop. The anxiety has now been getting to me, and I'm not sure if I can take it much longer. I'm only hanging on by a thread.
Don't even get me started on the boy down the street. I haven't talked him since the incident and I won't. I won't even dare say his name it hurts me so bad. I can't think of him. I just can't...
My mom still hasn't figured out what to do with me, and I'm now starting to be okay with the idea of moving away, again.
It's Sunday night again, and I just can't take it anymore. The pressure or the people. I just can't take it. I can't get to sleep, and I can't breathe, but who ever said I wanted to. I don't want to breathe.
I have been awake practically all night. It's four A.M and I can't seem to force myself to sleep. The thoughts just keep flowing through my mind like rushing water and I can't take it anymore. I just can't. I've had enough of this miserable life. I'm tired of being let down, degraded by others, disappointed, and hurt. I'm tired of making people feel sorry for me, and hurting other people. I just want it all to end. I just want to stop hurting. I want to feel okay again.
I get up off my bed and make my way to my desk. I shakily take out a piece of paper. I've had these thoughts many times but have never actually acting on it. I get out a pencil and I stare at the paper. I know that this time it's real.
I'm sorry this had to be my death. I carried sorrow upon my back for so long and now my back is breaking. I hope you all can forgive me, and keep me in your mind. Although I am not physically here now, I'll still be in your hearts. I never meant to get so weak, and to wilt like a flower. I've tried so hard to come out and failed. I know, but I can't get up anymore. Every time I get slammed to the ground my heart shatters more and more. I hate to say it but I believe no one will really care if I died. I don't mean to feel sad, and I don't try to hurt. I feel like there is no other way and right now I just can't take it. Everyone at school says I should just kill myself. Majority rules, right? Although I am breathing as I'm writing this letter, I am dead in the heart. My mind has gone sick and I can't think of anything else but this. No one has ever tried to make me feel better. I don't know why I try to wish for people to love me. It won't work. Mom, I am so sorry. I've tried so hard! I failed you I know. I just can't see your face when you realize I'm not better, and now I don't have to. I know I've been stupid in the past. I've been horrible, and mean, and selfish. I just have to do the most selfish thing right now. I don't want to leave you, but I want to leave the pain. I now want to die. That's all I can think about! I'm sorry...I love you.
Now even though I really don't want to mention you, I will. Hiro, I...love you, okay? You broke my heart that was already shattered, and I know that's not all your fault. I can't help the way I feel, and I know you can't either. I just wish it could be different. Now if you read the whole note you will know why I hate my school so much, but don't worry. I'll be okay now. I'll finally be okay.
Now for the rest of this world. Your welcome. I gave myself up for you guys. You wanted me to die so I am. I hope your happy.
I leave the note on my desk and make my way to the kitchen. I feel so scared I could just throw up. I never acted on this before, but I know I have to now. Today is the day I actually make a change. I don't have to cry anymore. I'll be okay. It'll all be over soon, and I won't have to worry.
I slowly open the cabinet in the kitchen to show off a whole bunch medicines. I slowly open the first one I see and down the whole bottle. I took another bottle and took all the pills in that one too. My hands were so shaky that the next bottle I tried to grab fell and made a loud bang as pills went everywhere. I knew I was boned then so I tried to take pills as fast as I could. Shoving pills down my throat. I just wanted to die so badly.
“Emily! Emily stop!” Mother cried coming into the room. She tried to take another bottle out of my hands but it ended up flying everywhere as more pills covered the floor. Mother saw all the empty bottles and cradled me in her arms. At this point I was screaming and crying. Why couldn't anything go right for me? Everything finally started getting dizzy. I could feel my self breathing less and less. I finally stopped hearing my own heart beating in my chest. The world faded out, finally.
I woke up to beeps and boops on a monitor. The world was so blurry and everything was so white. I knew where I was. I didn't have to ask, and I was breathing. Why was I breathing? I tried to stop myself from breathing for a reason. That's when I saw Hiro standing over my bed.
“Emily, you're awake?” He exclaimed holding my weak hand that was on the side of my bed. Waking up to see him was nice. I missed him.
“How long was I out?” I asked squinting since everything was so bright. His hand was warm and clammy compared to my cold dry hands. His very presence made me feel better.
“A couple days. Everyone was so worried, Emily. I was so worried.” He admitted with tears trickling down his cheek. My breath hitched. The very thought of people caring about me hit home. “Emily listen to me. I love you, okay? I really do, you're my best friend, and no, I don't just think of you as just a friend. I actually love you. I do, but I didn't want to go to fast. It scared me. I never been in a relationship, and I guess I just got nervous. I didn't know...I didn't know how much you actually needed someone.” He looked down to avoid looking into my eyes. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I never thought about it until now, but I was going to leave him all alone. How could I? “Emily, don't do that ever again, okay?” He was on the edge of sobbing. He wiped his eyes with his sleeve. “I can't imagine life without you. I try to picture it, but I can't. Together we could be immortal.”
“I...don't believe you.” I sniffled. Tears were threatening to barge out of my eyes like a waterfall. My face was turned away from his, and he placed his hand on the far side of my cheek and turned me to face him again. He leaned him close to me and placed his lips on mine. Everything about him was warm and soft. The way his lips pressed against my own was amazing. After a couple seconds we parted ways and I hadn't even noticed my eyes were closed. That warm feeling deep inside my chest had slowly started to form back again.
“Emily, I love you.” His hand was still lightly pressed against my face. So soft and warm. My face nuzzled against his hand.
“I love you too.” My voice was hoarse. I never knew how much I actually loved him until now. I should have known when before I couldn't even mention his name, but I'm still in a hospital and I don't know how long I'm going to be here. Forever probably. Who's to know? All I knew was Hiro was with me right here and now. There was nothing else I had to worry about. All I had to think about was him.
They say we are who we are
but we don't have to be
I'm bad behavior but I do it in the best way
I'll be the watcher of the eternal flame
I'll be the guard dog of all your fever dreams
I am the sand in the other half of the hour glass, glass
I try to picture me without you but I can't
cause we could be immortals, immortals
just not for long, for long
and if we meet forever now
pull the blackout curtains down
just not for long, for long
we could be immore, immortals!