The doctors had me in the hospital for a few more days just to make sure I'm okay before going back home. That gave my mother enough time to hide anything I could use against myself. She hid all medication, knives, razors, and stuff I hadn't even thought about using on myself. She went through my room and found my note I left before my attempt, and the doctors asked to keep it for some examinations or something. These few days in the hospital has been numb. Involuntarily they had me explain my feeling front to back, and kept asking how safe I was. Wasn't it obvious? I wasn't safe at all.
Hiro had come by everyday after school to bring me flowers and chocolates. He always stays in the hospital until the nurses kick him out, and those times are the only times feel even remotely alright. He always says he loves me at least every five minutes just to make sure I don't ever pull a stunt like this again. When he comes I don't talk to him though. I can't even look him in the eyes. I can't. It pains me to see him, and it's not because I don't like him or I'm mad at him. It's because I'm ashamed and embarrassed of myself. I feel like I let him down. I feel like he should be mad at me because I don't know what's wrong with me!
What's wrong with me? I know what I did is wrong, and I know I would've hurt so many people. So why did I do it? Why do I still want to do it? I feel so guilty, and I don't think I can handle the shame. I tell the doctors all I can, and I don't know if I can bring myself to smile around my family. I don't think I even talked to them either.
I can tell my mother blames herself. Whenever were alone she always apologizes. Saying she didn't know how hard I actually had it, and if she knew what those people were doing to me at school she would've pulled me out immediately, and she had pulled me out now. She tells me that it's not my fault, but how can she say that? It was all me. No one had a gun to my head. I know it was my fault. I made the decision. I just don't know what's wrong with me? Why am I doing this to people? I'm so stupid.
I'm getting discharged today. Why aren't I happy about that? In fact, I'm kind of upset about that. I walk out with my mom, and Hiro, Baymax, and his aunt were right there waiting for me. I gave them a soft smile, and Hiro ran up and pulled into a warm embrace. At first, I didn't react, but then I softly wrapped my arms around him. I cried. I cried on his shoulder again. Baymax then also hugged me with his squishy self. He said he downloaded things about depression and that I need a lot of affection or something.
When I got home my mother said she was taking my phone away, and without question I let her. I just really didn't care anymore. Mom also told me I didn't have to go to school for a little while, and she's going to be looking for a therapist. You know, just someone I can pour my soul to, but was I even going to talk? Will I allow myself to talk because I just don't want to say anything. I don't want to hear the words come out of my mouth and I surely didn't want people hearing me either.
I had locked myself in my room, and refused to come out. Why did I have to fail at my attempt? Does the world want me suffer? I just laid in my bed for days and refused to talk to anyone. Hiro even came by to see if we could hang out. I had told my mother to come up with a lie to get him to go away.
After visiting a psychiatrist they prescribed me with antidepressants and mood stabilizers. They have diagnosed me with so many things to find what's making me feel this way that I've forgotten over half of them. My mother thinks that what's wrong with me is more physical than mental, but I'm not really sure myself. Why do I have to have a label for my sadness. Why not just go with what that robot said? A chemical imbalance in the brain, right? Is that what's wrong with me? I'm afraid I'll never know and I'll never get better.
Last night I didn't get any sleep at all. It was around the time Hiro got up for school, and if I left now I could probably go with him to his college. I miss him a lot and I'm so depressed that I might bleed out from pain inside my heart. I get up and walk out of the house leaving only a note telling my mom where I was and I why I made the decisions I have. If she needs me or doesn't want me there then she can pick me up because I have also put the address.
I reach the same old bakery I always come across, and just in time Hiro comes rushing out of his house. Surprisingly he doesn't have Baymax by his side, but everything else still seems to remain the same. He still looks super cute, and I probably look like a homeless person who is about to kidnap him. He sees me and smiles.
“Emily! Hi, how are you? I've missed you...” He rambles giving me such a relieved look it made my heart flutter. I'm not going to lie it's the first real feeling besides pure worthlessness that I've felt in a long time.
“Hiro can I go to school with you today?” I ask sweetly. My voice is light and sweet, and all I want is to be with Hiro. I don't know how I've lasted this long without him.
“Yeah, of course! Come on,” he urges. I come up next to him and we start walking together. Sometimes I wonder since it's so quiet if he can hear my thoughts, and although I wish he could I am so glad he can't. “So, you're doing okay?” He asks with slight concern rising in his voice. My face flushes and I'm left to frown at the ground again as if it had done something bad.
“I don't know,” I say blankly. “I can't seem to find a reason to smile. I feel like there isn't any hope, or that there isn't anything to be happy about. What's there to look forward to?” Hiro didn't even hesitate when he grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me to his lips. The sudden act had me frozen in place, but after a second I had finally gave in. I had started kissing him, and wrapped my arms around his neck fiddling with his fluffy black hair. Hiro's tongue had pressed lightly against my lips asking for entry, and I cautiously granted it. Auto pilot had taken over my mind, and I couldn't comprehend what was actually happening. Hiro's tongue has been exploring every inch of my mouth and all the sensations started burning. The touch of his hands rubbing my back had burned and I was so tense that it hurt, and everything was so warm. I felt like I was melting, and finally I had lost track of time. I don't know how long we've been kissing or what I've said a few minutes ago, but all I know is that I'm here with my favorite person. I know that I'm enjoying everything to come, but then I quickly pull apart.
“What's wrong?” Hiro asks. I look to the ground furious. It seems no one can wrap their heads around reality.
“You don't understand! How could you understand? I'm so envious of the fact that you're so smart that I feel bad about being alive! How could you understand anything that I feel right now? You're so successful and smart, but I'm here not benefiting the world at all! That's right, I'm useless! Completely worthless and here you are taking advantage of that. Taking advantage of me. I'm no genius, Hiro. How can you love me?” Pain engulfed my eyes, but I held back any tear to come. Hiro stood there stunned. He didn't seemed hurt though. He seemed wiser like everything I just said had been heard before, and he knows I'm wrong. Like, not the wrong where it's common sense, but wrong as he has evidence to prove me wrong all the way.
“What was the first thing I had said to you that actually made with friendship, no, relationship start?” It was a simple question. It made me furious to recall that day. That sentence he said. “Huh? What was it?” He asked again.
“I do understand...” My voice was hoarse. I hugged myself and looked to the ground, and my whole body started shaking. “But how!? How can you possibly understand?” I ask throwing my hands to my sides.
“Just a year ago I got accepted to this school that we are suppose to be heading towards now, and my big brother helped me get into it. In fact, he tried to influence me into wanting to go to this school. He was my inspiration, and that day I got accepted into here, that same day my brother died in a fire. He died in just a blink of an eye! I had fallen into depression, and almost gave everything up! I almost didn't do anything with my life. I had even almost killed someone...” He made a sour face and my expression turned into complete despair.
“I'm sorry...” Were the only words I could express to him. I should have known better than to think I'm the only one existing, but sometimes the world makes it seem that way.
“What I'm saying is even though the world doesn't know you're benefiting it doesn't mean I don't. You benefit me. You make me feel worth something. You make your mother feel worth something, and I know she raised you better than to think so lowly of yourself. It doesn't matter what those people at school say. In ten years where are they going to be? They probably won't be benefiting the world more than you are befitting the world right now.” His inspirational words hit me like a ton of bricks. It was almost like a wake up call saying 'THE WORLD ISN'T OVER YET' life hadn't ended, and everything is still moving. And that, for the first time is when I smiled.
“This is why I love you.” I tell him blushing. He laughs and starts walking again. “Wait, can we kiss just one more time?” My heart beat a million miles per hour and he came back around, put his hand on my cheek and pressed his lips softly on mine. It had only been a second before we finally parted.
“Better.” Then we kept moving forward towards the school.
We finally made it to the school, and walked in all of the same people we did the last time I came to this school. When I walked in people finally lifted their heads to see me, and some came to my side.
“Hey Emily you're okay! Hiro kept rambling on about how you were in the hospital. What happened?” Honey said when she came up and hugged me. I awkwardly hugged back and walked away slowly looking to the ground. Embarrassment and shame surrounded me.
“Oh nothing. Just an incident.” I tried to give a soft smile, but I was too engulfed in despair. The group gave me sympathetic eyes, and sorry smiles. Although I'm not sure if they can tell what actually happened. Hiro came by and grabbed my hand giving it a comforting squeeze. I gave him a half hearted smile.
“She's going to help me in my office since she doesn't have school right now.” Hiro said confidently. I chuckled and we started walking back to where he works. I looked back and I saw Honey-Lemon was giving me a kind of smile that said 'I knew it' and then she looked over at GoGo who was standing next to her. Honey then grabbed GoGo's hand and intertwined her fingers in hers. GoGo looked down shocked as her eyes became big, but soon after she looked back up at Honey and smiled.
Fred must've felt left out because he then looked over at Wassabi slowly. Wassabi saw Fred and cringed. “Sorry man I don't swing that way.” He said and Fred looked away quickly scratching the back of his head.
“Oh yeah, me neither.” Fred replied before going back to do nothing.
Hiro and I went to his office and he decided to put work aside and teach me how to make a robot. My lips twisted into a slim smile. I gave him a look of disbelief.
“Are you sure? You won't get in trouble?” I asked sitting on the floor where he seemed to be planted.
“Yes, actually I might even get extra credit.” He said and I giggled. He then took out a small magnetic robot. I rolled my eyes and got ready for my lesson. “This robot is made up of micro-bots.” He said setting his robot on the ground.
“Yes, I thought was making a robot. Not looking at one.” He chuckled.
“You will. Be patient. You need to do the first step before going straight for the fourth one.” He showed me things about robots, and how they worked and stuff. I obviously won't remember this in the future, but it was interesting for now. He gave me items and he helped me put things together to create something that could walk. It had simple wiring and stuff but it was still really cool. As it finally worked I told him that it was our child, and we kissed again.
Those lips were so addictive. Everything about him was, and I don't understand how he's attracted to me, but I don't want to care right now. His warmth is all that matters. His voice, his spirit, his....everything. He makes me feel worth something.
After school we walked home together hand in hand. Talking glances at each other every so often. “You know, I never actually hung out with you at your house. We always go to my house”
“What are you saying?” I ask looking over at him.
“I'm saying I want us to hang out at your house.” He said and I laughed. Why my house? I thought we were having a good time just staying over at his house. I didn't think this was going to get that intimate.
“I guess you can come over if you'd like.” I said unsure. I was a little nervous and wasn't quite ready for him to see me in a different light. He looked over at me and smiled. We walked past the nice bakery and made our way to my home. My sweet, sweet home.
We made it to my house and I guess my mom isn't home at the time. I took Hiro to my room and he quickly made himself at home. We talked for hours and I allowed him to look through my room. He keeps telling me things like 'oh you got to be good at something' and soon he finds my poem journal. I write poetry all the time. Whenever I'm in distress I just write poems to fulfill my despair.
“These are really good.” He complimented looking through my entrees. I blushed and looked down. A lot of them were about depression and suicide. Some were even about self harm and being trapped in your own mind. “I want you to write another one right now.”
“What? I haven't wrote poetry in months. I don't think I can just come up with something now.” I cried, but he shoved the book and a pencil towards me anyway.
“Come on. Then you can read it to me.” He gave me a look of encouragement and it made me feel obligated. I didn't want to disappoint him. So, I took the pencil and jotted down thoughts and feeling. I wrote beliefs and hate. I wrote about everything I could, and then I handed it to him.
“I don't know if it's any good.” I told him, and he pushed the book back towards me.
“You read it to me.” Hiro ordered lightly. My heart pounded in my chest and I started to sweat like I always did when I got nervous. I looked down at the paper and started reading my poem.
Let the world take you for granted
throwing you out and you making bleed
pulling you so deep under the ground people can't even help you out
you are again left on your own
everyone expects you to do what they want
making you seem stronger than you are
you cry to the night and pray to a God
but whats the point?
He was never there to answer you
you ask yourself why
and hope you'll find out, but you never do
throwing yourself at people who don't even want you
wishing and pleading to be loved
but no one was there!
And no one will be.
How could they be so cruel?
Making you forget whats real
and brainwashing you into thinking you are always wrong
always left alone
when in fact we are stronger
but we are forced to stay below the rest and we allow to be degraded
how can you watch this act?
Watch as we suffer and fall
and you are standing right there
and you have it all
you have everything and you left me to pieces
making me choke and beg for release
but I didn't get anything
when will I be happy?
I look up at Hiro who is nodding his head slightly. As if relating for even agreeing.
“I know it's bad. It's okay.” I say and put the pen and book away.
“No no, it was good.” He told me, and I blushed. I knew he was lying but that was okay. He put his hand on my shoulder and stared deep into my eyes. Those warm eyes gave me shivers down my back and tingles all over my body. I closed my eyes and looked down. Hiro then placed his arms around me and pulled me closer. He slim frame was pressed against my own, and it warmed my heart. His breath tickled the back of my neck as his hands were firmly placed on my back.
“Hey Emily, I'm home! You're therapy appointment is today lets go!” Mother yelled from the doorway. Hiro let go of me and lightly kissed me on the lips before running out the door, and greeted my mother before running off. “You have fun today?” My mother asked winking at me.
“I guess you could say that.”