We arrived at my new therapists office. I wasn't sure if I was going to enjoy this or not, in fact, I really hate talking about my feelings to anyone. Writing was really the only way I'd ever express myself, so you could say that I was slightly nervous.
“Ooh Em! You're going to love him! He has a really soothing voice!” She exclaimed hugging me. We were both sitting on a couch in a small room which I assume is the waiting room. A few moments later an old man with dark skin and salt and pepper hair and beard comes out. Okay, he wasn't that old, maybe sixty, but he wasn't so young anymore.
“Oh, you must be Emily! Nice to meet you, I'm Dr. Dylan.” He greeted sticking his hand out for me to shake. I cautiously take his hand and nod. My face blushes from shyness. His hand was dry and wrinkled, but I didn't say anything. He took me into a separate room just beyond the waiting one. This room was a lot bigger than the last room. On one end there was desk filled with messes of papers, and Dr. Dylan goes over there and gets out a binder with some papers and a pen. Next to the desk was a shelf filled with toys, puzzles, and psychology books. On the other side of the room was a green couch which I decided to sit on.
Dr. Dylan starts getting settled in as well, and looks at me with kind and gentle eyes. “So what brings you here today,” Dr. Dylan asks putting on small reading glasses. I scoff at his question, like it wasn't obvious.
“I tried to kill myself,” I answer bluntly with an emotionless expression. He doesn't look stunned by this answer, only serious. A look I've now seen so many times. If you think about it, all doctors have this look.
“Are you still thinking of attempting suicide?” He asks writing something down in his little black notebook. I look towards the floor. I hesitate for a moment because I really don't want to answer this question.
“Emily, of all the things you don't have to talk about, you have to answer this question. I don't want to ask, but I have to. It's safety.” I look at him with desperate eyes wishing I could skip this question, but I knew I couldn't.
“I don't know...” I finally answer.
“It has to be a yes or no answer, Emily.” I look to the floor again trying to contemplate on what my answer should be. Honestly, I couldn't remember. Do I still think about suicide? Of course I do, but I can't tell him that... Emily, you have to. It's important. Emily, say it. Do it. Tell him.
The voice kept urging me on, but that only made me not want to answer more. I made up my mind, I will tell him, but not right now. I have to wait for a good moment. Emily, tell him now. I didn't. I couldn't.
“Emily, this is so important. Do you ever think of hurting yourself?” Dr. Dylan's voice knocked me out of my trance.
“Yeah, I do...and suicide too. I think of it all the time.” I finally answered looking towards a back door which was right beside me at the end of the couch.
“Did you act on these thoughts?” He asked while writing more stuff. I probably look so out of it with my emotionless and boring voice, but I don't think he cares about that. It's my depression that seems to be important. Or the fact he's getting paid. Either one.
“Not yet...” I really don't know how I haven't acted on it since I got out of the hospital. I've just been keeping to myself mostly, and it sucks. All of it sucks! I just wish I could stop being so selfish and become normal again, but thinking of it only made me want to cry.
“Do you need to go to the hospital?” His voice was like a razor in my ears. I hated that word, and for no good reason either. The hospital. The word stung like a thousand bees, but I thought the best answer was to be honest. Except, what was the honest answer?
“Probably, but I don't want to...”
“Cause, I'd be away from Hiro...” and so the truth comes out, I thought. Because of Hiro I don't want to be locked up in the looney bin. Otherwise, the hospital doesn't sound like an awful idea. I mean I'd be safe, and away from those that could hurt me emotionally. Although, I'd be trapped.
“Who's Hiro?” A spark of interest sounded from Dr. Dylan's voice.
“My friend...or boyfriend...or...” I trailed off. Of all the things we've been through together he's my boyfriend now, right? Are we dating now? Is he ever going to ask me on a date?
“Don't you think he'd like you to be safe?” the doctors voice gave me an apifany. Would he like me to be safe? Let me reword that, do you think he would like me to be locked up in a hospital? No, no he wouldn't. Or would he?
“Probably, but I am safe. I think I haven’t done anything because of him.” I answered truthfully, and I really think that's why. I've really gotten to know Hiro since my incident and I know he loves me and doesn't want me dead. I wouldn't leave him, and I won't. For him.
“Emily, I really think you should go...”
“Do I have to? I'm not suicidal right now.” I said fidgeting with my hands. I gazed up at him, and he gave me a concerned look.
“No, you don't, but we don't want anything to happen to you.” He said writing some more stuff down. We? Does he mean my family, and Hiro?
“I know, and nothing will happen.” I meant it. I stared directly into his eyes to let him know I was absolutely serious, and the session went on like that. More questions and evaluations and all that crap. Finally the session was over.
We both walked into the waiting together. He wanted to talk to my mom real quick, and it was basically about how depressed I was and that she should have a good eye on me. Just to make sure I was really alright, and I would keep my promise. Of course, right then, my mother made me promise again.
When the session was over it was evening. It wasn't to late, but with how the appointment went my mom probably doesn't want me to go out. She bought me food and took me home, and yet all I could think was I really want to see Hiro. It's kind of stupid I know, but I did. I want to seem, but right now the best I could do was get some sleep. I went into my room and fell asleep to have unending nightmares about nothing that makes sense.
The next morning I woke up at nine, and realized I missed the chance to see Hiro before he went to school. I also realized that I slept for like thirteen hours. I got up and made myself some coffee when my mom walked into the room. She had an extreme case of bed head and looked like she was in a grumpy mood. If I have to be totally honest, she scares me.
“Morning Em. How're feeling?” She muttered making herself a cup of coffee as well.
“Good,” I answered taking a sip of the bitter tasting beverage. I forgot how much I hated coffee.
“What are your plans today?” She asked.
“Um, I don't know. I have some things I wanna ask Hiro, but he's at school right now.”
“I could probably drop you off. I have to go to work today anyway, and I can't really leave you alone.” I nodded. The thought always made me uncomfortable, and she knew it. In fact, it sounded like she was trying to make me feel guilty or something. She always had a way of making me feel guilty and such, but maybe it's just all in my head. So, I decided that yes, I want to go to Hiro's school. Awesome...
“Alight, cool!” I said clapping my hands together. “Let me get my stuff!” I said excitedly walking back towards my room.
“But, call me if he's busy and you can't stay.” She emphasized but although she had a small smile on her face. I think she could see how happy he actually made me. Although, I didn't really realize how happy he really did make me. I smiled back at her and got ready.
We rode in silence together as she pulled up to the school. I think this was the first time my mom has seen this school, and when I turned to her she looked in awe.
“Are you going to go to this school?” My mother smirked at me and I snorted.
“Yeah right, I'm not smart enough for this school.” My mom rolled her eyes and patted me on the back.
“Yes you are! If you studied a little more you'd be a straight A student. Now go have fun with your boyfriend.” I blushed and rolled my eyes as well getting out of the car.
While closing the door I finally replied since the window was open, “Yeah, whatever. He's not my boyfriend.” Not yet at least.
I walked into the school happily trying to find the nerd lab. You know, thats what they call it, and yeah, Hiro is an awkward nerd! I laughed to myself as I opened the big double doors. When I walked inside Hiro's gaze was on me, and he walked over to me.
“What are you doing here?” He asked as if I never came here before. I gave him a hug and took a deep breath of his scent. He smelled of clean clothes and hair gel.
“I came over here because I wanted to take to you, and my mom didn't want me to be alone in the house, so that's why.” I pulled apart and gave him a cheeky grin and he chuckled softly giving me a smirk.
“Hm...okay. What did you want to talk about?” I blushed slightly and looked around hesitantly.
“Well, I kind of had a few questions for you...” I said awkwardly scratching the back of my head. I think he saw my seriousness and took a step back. I felt like he could read my mind which automatically made me even more uncomfortable.
“Oh okay...” He replied taking my hand and leading me into his office place. The warmth of his hand stung me, and made me shiver. Although, I don't think it was all his warmth. His touch was electrocuting through my whole arm, and that's when he stopped and dropped my hand. “What is it?”
“Oh well...” I was having difficulty asking the question. Like, what if he wants something different from what I want? Well, here goes nothing... “I was wondering... What are we exactly?” Hiro raised an eyebrow at me which made me blush from nervousness. “Like, are we...together?” I started murmuring and purposelly not making eye contact. “I mean, like, are we going to date, or... I mean...” Hiro takes my hand and puts his finger under my chin to make me look up at him. My cheeks were burning, and his touch was even warmer than it was.
“What do you want to be?” It was an answer I was not prepared to hear. He wanted to know what I wanted? I just stared up into his warm eyes which was a safe thing to look at.
“I don't know...” I said barely above a whisper, and Hiro had, yet again, dropped my hand, and I felt almost deserted and cold. I didn't know what to say. Did I want to be in a relationship? I think so...how do I tell him that?
“Well, I guess I could take you on a date when school gets out.” Hiro shrug in a nonchalant voice. I smiled and giggled happily.
“Really?” I asked in disbelief he nodded and kissed my cheek.
“Yeah, if that's what you want.” I forced myself to not giggle again. I thought containing my happieness was going to be better.
“How am I going to get ready if the date is after school?” I asked. He raised an eyebrow again looking confused.
“What do you need to get for? You look fine now...” He told me looking at me like I'm crazy.
“You mean you aren't going to try to get ready either?” Did he understand a date? Getting all dolled up for their significant other? Oh wait, he's a nerd... He looked down at himself looking at his clothes.
“No, why would I get ready? What are you trying to say?” I sighed and rolled my eyes. He looked even more confused.
“Have you even been on a date?” I asked putting my hands on my thighs and Hiro mocked me.
“No, but have you?” I scoffed
“No, but I've seen movies, and when people go on dates they get all dressed up and stuff!” I told him half hearted.
“Well, if you wanna get all dressed up then I guess I could get you at six or something?” He suggested defeated.
“Yay! I'm so excited!” I exclaimed hugging him and running out of his office. He smiled and blushed rolling his eyes, and then getting back to work with whatever he was doing. When it was to late I realized that I forgot to ask my other question, but I think that one would put down the mood, and I don't want to lose this feeling.
I walked out and sat next to Fred on the couch who was reading a comic. “Hey Em, what's up?” He asked not taking his eyes off the comic book. I looked around at everyone else in the room. There was Honey working on something colorful while GoGo was next to her working on a bike, and it seemed like every other minute they'd look at each other and smile. Are they dating? Also Wasabi was over by a desk and looked like he was organizing all his tools... I looked to Fred.
“Oh, I'm not doing anything. You know, sometimes I get scared because I feel like I'm going to get in trouble for being here.” I said and Fred put down his book and looked to me.
“Oh, don't worry about that. Teachers don't normally come in here until the evening. Plus, they don't care much if people bring friends. The teachers think that they'll be inspired to do something with their life if they see people being all smart and stuff. I don't get what they're saying.” I nodded, that was actually a good idea.
“Huh, I get though. Ooh, Ooh! Fred guess what?” I exclaimed clapping my hands together.
“Hiro, asked me out on a date!” I squealed smiling like an idiot.
“Finally, that little dude never stops talking about you. Tell us how worried he is about you or how excited he is to see you or whatever.” I blushed and smiled. That's so sweet. I'm starting to think I love him, but lets go with strongly like. I like that better.
And now I just have to wait until our date. Is it going to be forever or is it going to go down in flames?