"I am your only being of your existence that wants you here."
A moon with a picture.
A castle in ruins.
An entire city covered in darkness.
"The entire reason of why you live today."
Another bigger castle, left to rot away from destruction.
A pegasi being thrown away.
An alicorn, flees in disbelief, refusal.
"They are nothing. You are something. Special."
Another alicorn, defeated.
A moon without a picture.
"My only point in my life that has a true meaning."
A unicorn, falls to the side, losing.
A stallion, a different unicorn, stares at another smaller pony, smiling devilishly.
"Please don't ever leave me. Please. It's all I want."
A flash of lightning hit a tree somewhere outside, making a big cackle noise. The sudden impact and noise startled me awake. I was gasping and breathing roughly for ever, need to regain my senses. My heart beating as fast as a speeding train. I already turned towards the bedroom window, seeing the dark grey clouds, the rain dripping onto the sorrowful ground, the sky unsettled. Rain was already shooting my window as I pulled back the curtains. I sighed in distain as I laid back into my bed, remembering the events of my past, and the possible future. I don't think I'm going to go back to sleep at this point. The third time I was awoken during the night. I can't get the thought off of me. I could just get up now, but how would that help me. To get ready for my day? I guess it's better than nothing. I removed the covers from over my body as I stood up, walking towards my small bathroom, containing only a toilet, a sink, and a small bath.
I can't even feel my own head as I slump into the next room. My hooves feel limp, as if I'm really weak, not powerful in any way possible. Because that helps my esteem. I sighed deeply. At this point I would get into my usual routine; clean, eat, sleep, repeat. A very simple routine that I haven't changed… ever. I finally reached my sink, barely containing myself as I nearly fell off my two hooves. I feel really weak for some reason. I need to wake up.
I plugged the drain so that cold water can fill up the sink. As it reached the top, I stopped the running water, as I then dunked my head into the body of icy water. As I dug my hooves inside, a gigantic tsunami of frost came upon my face. Nothing different happened. I didn't even feel more alert, just the same as when I woke up. Still weak. Should I care that nothing happened? Maybe not, don't think it will help anything. I finished about a few moments later. I rubbed my wet face as the water drained down the sink. The sound gave me a shiver of some sorts. It could be cold for all I know.
Should I look up at my reflection? Like many things, I just don't know. I'm hesitant. I don't want to see that face again, but I need to deal with him. Even if there isn't anything to like. Silence engulfed the household, along with the darkness of the rooms and the light from the window. Can I ever like the image that is presented before me? This stallion. What are you supposed to see in this stallion? Love? I doubt that. Nothing special was shown, nothing immediate came to mind that was positive. Maybe negative. Nothing stood out in any way, shape or form. No horn. No wings. A simple and plain stallion, that is useless. That he is nothing. Is there anything special that can come about from this pony?
Maybe it's about the appearance of the coat, and not about the horn or the wings. Well, is there anything special about that either? Maybe the mane that he had. Yes! That certainly could be a good thing. Mustn't it be? No, it wasn't. That mane he had didn't look special, only the mane that hangs over his eyes or towards the side, the colour of an apple that isn't the more notable one. The mane wasn't even combed or brushed often, or at all. The black and grey accents that came along with the mane, did it look stupid? Maybe. It wasn't simple though maybe, but how was that special, to have a small design in that messy mane? It was a cluster of multiple colours, a green was present, for sure. A green mane... Seems like any regular colour, really.
Okay, maybe not the mane. Maybe the mane isn't special. Oh! How about the coat? Maybe the eyes? Certainly, it must be good in some way! No. No, no, no. It isn't. A light grey coat. There could be some green chucked in there, wouldn't make a difference. How is that even special? It isn't. It's not even a colour. Grey wasn't even a colour. Maybe if it was a light green, it would make more sense. Maybe even any other kind of green. Other ponies have colours. Does that make him special? Not in the slightest. And no, not the eyes. The eyes were just coloured green, a dark green. How is that even special? It wasn't. Not even the colour of his coat. How are eyes special? They could be beautiful. How does that even help? Eyes could, no are, deceiving. Not special.
Nothing special to offer, in no way, shape or form. It wasn't comforting to think that. It didn't help that I am that stallion in the glass mirror, seeing the depressed look on his face, the small but noticeable bags under his eyes. It all made sense, though. Regardless of all the looks, you couldn't tell what he was thinking. That his thoughts were important. That his thoughts had some important significance to the world. I mean… just look at him. Look at him! You can't tell much from his expressions. Do you think that he can remember when he has been happy? Or that he has ever been happy? The truth is, he can't even remember. Is it even important that he does in the first place? If he had ever been happy in his life, to feel true happiness… Would anypony care for the slightest? Why would they in the first place? Their… All ponies are selfish. They wouldn't care for another, and if they did, they wouldn't for somepony that is deemed 'unworthy', to have... that feeling. That one and only… feeling. Do you ever see another pony go out of harm's way to help another? You must be hallucinating if you have. I haven't. Never. They could in novels, in stories by authors. But they are all 'fiction'. Not real. Imagination. Fiction stories could be interesting, but they aren't true to their words. Well, at least to no decent pony that I've ever met. That's the truth. Ponies only care for themselves, for their own personal gain, for their own benefit.
I don't like the portrait that I saw. I could only keep staring at this strange pony that was on display, to himself. Blathering nonsense, words that won't ever be heard. A voice that will be blown away by time. A name that would be ripped out of a book of history. Non-existent. Hell, I could feel annoyed by his own presence. If it weren't that he was my own. The soundless droning of his own mind, talking to himself, is the only voice that could matter to him right now. And maybe forever. I never get an answer when I ask why. I could break the world record of being the worlds, or at the very least Equestria's, loneliness pony.
I just… I need to look away from that face. I feel guilty for even doing so. I didn't know how much unintentional damaged that I caused between both of us. I don't want to see him anymore. There was nothing special about a hornless, wingless, stallion that was so plain and boring you make a scandal involving him with something bad and he'd still won't get noticed. I'm now staring at the floor, gloomily. I feel weak again. I guess me zoning out myself to a mirror does things to you. But… now that I'm focused again, it just won't go away. The fire that burns my internal organs for years, a giant flame that can't ever be doused by nopony. I just want to get rid of it, hoping it will disappear. It probably won't ever will. The flame, much like the early stages of an empire, will keep expanding and expanding and expanding. Forever and ever.
Maybe taking a shower could help. Maybe now, at this very moment, it could douse the flame burning me up inside. I do not believe those words for a nanosecond. But I guess it could help. Oh, am I trying to kid somepony? No, it won't. I just feel a bit messy at the moment. Hopefully it could drain away some of the 'problems' that I have. I stepped into the shower, slowly after my forelegs refused to move for even the smallest of moments. I eventually turned on the taps, as water then flowed through the air, hitting my coat in the process, as I made barely any movement. The thought of cleaning myself was tiring. The thoughts of me then stepping out made me tired, even more so.
I can't stay in here forever, even if there isn't anything else to do. I just want to sit in this shower, letting the water run through my fur, as I'd contemplate myself over my existence. I felt some calm feeling, but it was almost unnoticeable. I couldn't stay in and have my entire body get pruned up. Not that it mattered, anyways. The water ceased only moments later, as I tried to stop talking to myself. In one of my best efforts, I shook myself as dry as I possibly could. It was hard without a towel, where I never received one when moving in. I also never bought one. I just couldn't go… out. I moved out of the room, my legs still shaking a little, attempting to ignore the mirror as I walked past. I didn't want to see myself in all of my loneliness. Then I stopped in the doorway, and turned my head back at the mirror. Getting one last look for a few seconds. And for at least the rest of the day, never again.
I feel more cooled down than before, and felt some strength coming back into my legs, but that was about it. How was all that supposed to make me happy in some way? It wasn't supposed to, I guess. I looked at my entire body, even my mane which was still now messy even after I had washed, before glancing toward my mark. My own mark… Ponies are supposed to be proud of their own mark, it shows who they are, and what they could and have accomplished. I take the time to always wonder about mine. I can't comprehend it either. What is my own mark supposed to be? What does it supposed to represent? My mark is a multiplication sign. A white multiplication sign. It doesn't mean anything logically. What is so special about this mark? A multiplication sign as my mark? I guess it doesn't matter, as ponies would often laugh at me for my sign, making no sense to them. That's my take on the matter. Laugh at my lack of a social life, my self-esteem, and my insecurities. Where's the talent that is being shown. Maybe it's showing me as a Mathematician. I'm no good at maths. If anything, I'm average. How's that my talent?
Does it mean I'm good at multiple things? I'm not good at anything, at all…
The sound and the thunder that flashed through my window occasionally, and the patters of the rain hitting the soft grass outside continued, as I listened to it. It was a beautiful sound to hear, for sure. It was a soothing sound, until the thunder then ruins after some time. I just had to ignore it. Making my bed would be a place to start. I'm only going to sleep in it anyways later. What's the point? I motioned my hooves against the windowsill, taking a look outside. It was somewhat dark and grey, the ground was wet and muddy, and looked like a day where I wouldn't go outside. Wasn't planning on to in the first place. And complaining about the current scenery wouldn't help matters alongside with that. Now that I think about it, what am I supposed to do now? It's about six or seven in the morning, I don't have a clock, and I don't feel like sleeping at the moment, which was a new thing. That's what I would usually do, sleep all day, with the curtain closed, as darkness would engulf the bedroom. Actually, it isn't a bad idea. Staring at empty streets of this new town that I call… 'Home'… is boring. Although, what isn't.
Nothing was interestingly captivating in the slightest. I plopped myself back onto my bed, my head resting against a lone pillow, as I pulled the covers back over me, feeling some heat once more. I turn myself to the side before I tried to sleep, looking outside the window again, as rain runs down the glass, as clouds become a darker colour while lightning flashed in the distance. I hate this morning.
A star, floats in the middle of space, by itself.
A lone moon, circles around a planet.
A run-down town, still active.
A school. Three ponies, together.
"Come on, runt. Get up!" A giant earth pony, the coat of the colour burgundy, grinned with dark intentions.
"Yeah, why don't you come and play!" Another responded, a dark red unicorn spoke with malice.
"Oh, no… Ow! Please…" The poor colt whimpered, being tortured by the giants in front of him. He begged, and begged, and begged, for all of this to be over. That the pain that he received could stop.
"Oh, come on wimp!" The earth pony just wasn't pleased yet, he wanted more.
"Yeah, why stop now?" He kept beating into him, getting what seemed to him, his revenge.
"What- The weaker colt could barely finish his sentence as a punch to his jaw shut him up. He couldn't stop the containing tears as they now flew freely down his bruised face. His voice cracked in the process. "Please…" He wanted to finish, he wanted mercy, he wanted reason, but he couldn't. One more punch to his face…
Bah! "No! Please don't beat me up! Please stop! Please stop. Please…"
I couldn't stop the tears, as I awoke from my nightmare, again. Why does this always happen to me? Why did they…? Why… I sobbed to myself, cowering in my sheets, for who knows how long. I just wish the memories could disappear forever. But I know that won't ever happen. Please, somepony make them go away… Please… I beg of you… Please. It's all I want. Make it go away…
I cried for half an hour. It took that long to recover from that nightmare. The fourth time. This time, it was the longest to get over. I had so many questions. Why did those ponies treat me like that? Like I'm just nothing? Why? Why couldn't they just be peaceful? Be reasonable? I was panting when I awoke terribly, curled up inside and out, under some warmth of the blankets of my bed. Those memories… They always resurface, one way or another. They cause be pain. Miserable, unworthy pain. That just won't go away. I wish they could. I wish something could get rid of them. But… I know the undeniable truth. They won't ever go away. They will keep coming back. And I can't stop it.
I've settled down more so now. I'm still panting a little, but… walk it off. I need to clear my mind. I walk down the stairs from the first floor, reaching the bottom. The house was small, but better than nothing. Walking past the guitar with several broken strings lying on the ground, completely unusable. The keyboard as well, dust and all, broken alongside, just sitting there, staring at me. Like he is calling me. It wants me to play. How? I can't. Even if it does work. I… there would be no point in the first place. What music could I play? A classic? No. I just can't. Same with the guitar, they both are just… staring at me. What do you want?
I abruptly turn away from them, ignoring their existence now. I'd rather prefer the boring stallion in the mirror now. I was in my kitchen now. Sitting on a chair, slumping myself over the table. Lack of anything to do. Deep to myself, in my own world… of glum and despair. Staring outside the window, seeing some brightness now being shined on the ground. The rain stopping some time ago, the lightning disappearing. It seemed like pegasi were moving the clouds, away so that no rain can come, now. Didn't change the mood really. Their bright faces, smiling in some joy, talking amongst one another, during this 'delightful' morning. It was anything but delightful.
What could I do? There are a few things. I could go back to sleep, and… No, it's out of the question now. I could draw and write. There's a pencil here, and a few pieces of paper. What good would come of that, anyways? What could I draw? Myself, sobbing in my bed from a bad memory? Ponies being happy in the background, chatting away, while myself, just watched from through the window? A self-portrait? That last one… isn't bad. But not a good idea still. And probably a waste of time, too. Maybe, I could walk outside.
And accomplish what? Walking through the town, seeing ponies being happier than me? To hear the ponies, talking. Looking at me, judging me, my face, my mark, and my mane. Everything that makes me so? Even the thought of all this made be lower into even worse depths. Reminding me of my past. Nothing helped. No choice would at least try to make me happier. Would it be better than nothing? Who knows…? I guess there could be a way to find out. But, being in my own slumber isn't worse, either. Oh, what do I do?
For better or worse, I grabbed the pencil nearby with my mouth, planted my hooves on both sides of the paper, and just stared for moments on end. The silence came back, laughing at me. The sound of few water droplets splashing on the ground, the faint whisper of chatter by ponies. The only thing that I could focus on. I, what was I supposed to draw? I just started with a few lines, making an unnoticeable outline of something. The lines eventually connected. I realized how stupid this was, that others would only be bored my drawing something, observing my behaviour. They would laugh as well. Probably. Most likely possible. So I stopped, leaving an incomplete drawing. What could you make out of that? A bunch of scraggly lines, which have no context towards them.
I stood up from my chair, dropping the pencil onto the paper, before moving out of the kitchen in resignation. There was just no point to it all. What else could I do? Makes breakfast? I don't feel hungry. Exercise? What for? Am I going to run away again? No, no. I walk by the empty photo frames, containing nothing but a brown outline, with a string attached to it, hanging from a nail. All few of them. Just, staring at me. I stared at them back. Hesitantly I look away from them and keep moving, away from loneliness, unaffected.
I was getting irritated of being unable to make a choice. To do nothing for this long. I don't care for the choice, but… I need to make one. I walked into the front room, where it connects to the stairs going up and the kitchen doorway, along with two closets containing nothing but the cobwebs that the spiders reside in. Maybe I could clean them out. With what? I don't exactly have cleaning tools. It didn't come with the house. I haven't bought any yet. Maybe I should. But, that requires… going outside. Another reason to do so. I sighed. Either in defeat or frustration, I really didn't know. Perhaps both. Maybe in scare. Whatever it was, I knew I was going to, for one reason or another.
I walked in front of the door, staring at the knob. Do I want to do this? What does my body say? My head, says no. My mind, says no. My hooves, say no. My heart even doesn't want to. Then what does? When did I received this urgency to go outside? It will all be for nothing. There's no justifiable reason. But I need to do it. My hoof was placed on the knob, as I stared fearfully at it. I then half-turned it, before… Ugh! This is frustrating. Why can't I just go outside? Why do I refuse myself? Ugh… I guess I'll never know for sure. Well, maybe I do really. I was now lying against the door, with my hooves in my face, feeling some guilt. That I couldn't open a simple door. It was that hard, surprisingly. I guess it's better to stay-
"Hello?" A high-pitched and cheery voiced, out of nowhere, asked from behind me, knocking on the door and interrupting my thoughts. W-What? Why is there a pony- Why is there a visitor, first of all? Why would anypony want to visit me anyways? There was no reason. I don't know anypony. And anypony wouldn't take their time to know me. I'm… "Hello? Is anypony there?" She asked again, as I had another choice presented in front of me. Do I answer the door? What would be the point of that if she is acting something, something for much bigger…? I'm very hesitant and, maybe even scared, if I answer that door. "Hello?" She asks again, louder and longer this time. Maybe I should wait until she leaves. That would probably be a better choice to make. But this time, my heart told me to answer the door. I'm really torn. She might just insult me later if she ever finds that I live here, maybe. But…
"Hi!" She beamed, excited, bouncing up and down from one spot over and over. This… she didn't seem hostile. Yet. Why was she so excited? So happy? So, full of life… "Hello mister!" That's… new. "My name's Pinkamena Diane Pie! But just call me Pinkie Pie! I'm your new friend! Your new best friend! I want to throw you a 'Welcoming' party! For coming to Ponyville! I would have asked you a few days ago, when you first moved in. But I was busy with my cupcake business! So many customers that day. Anyways, I never could find you, but here we are! So I thought that we can have a party together, and become friends! We can laugh, play games, smile together with others, isn't that all fun? All wonderful?! Tell me, it's wonderful! Come on! It's super-duper fun to have a party! Dedicated all to you!"
My mind hurts, and I feel bad and guilty. Mainly, confused. Why… Why does she want to throw a party for me? No one ever has before. This… feels like a trap. Even so, I can't make a friend. I can't ever have a best friend. Never. It's been way too late for all that. I can't start now. Nothing good will come of it. Never has. There's… this pony is crazy. She just suddenly assumes that I'm her best friend. "No." She can't. "I'm not interested." I put it bluntly. I hope she can go away, and leave me be…
"What?" She seemed to be taken aback by my answer. "Why? Why don't you want to have a party?" Why do you care if I have one or not? "You… don't want to be my friend?" She asked, sounding sad. Is she trying to make me feel guilty?
"Again, I'm not interested." I answer, hesitantly. I don't think this will be over anytime soon.
"B-But…" She was speechless. "You seem lonely. I haven't seen any other pony but you come around this house." Thanks for reminding me… "I haven't seen you walking around town sine you first came here. Don't you have any friends?" No… "Don't you want friends?" I don't know… Do I? No, it's too late… "I want to be your friend. I'm more than willing to be your friend!" She started to beam up again. "Everypony deserves a friend!" I don't think that's true, not in the slightest… "I'm friends with everypony here in Ponyville! I am a friend!" With everypony? In this town? I don't believe that. Even if it was true. Even if she does speak the truth, that she is a good 'friend'…
"Look, I'm not the social type of pony, and I plan to keep it that way. It's one of the only things that is working for me right now." She would probably betray me, along with all her other 'friends', would hurt me in some way.
It looked like she wouldn't accept that as an answer. "What? Why? Just come to a party! With me! I promise that you'll want me as a friend when you do!" I don't believe that lie. The line, sounds familiar actually. To a bad memory…
"I'm sorry," I start off, looking for the right words. I feel somewhat bad for doing this, but why should I take the word of a complete stranger? "But it's too late for that." I mutter more to myself than her, as I then pull back and start to close the door.
"Too late? It's never too late- I cut her off before she could finish her sentence, shutting the door in her face. Yes, it is too late to make a friend. In my life. Why would she even want to be my friend? I'm not worth it. I'm not special in anyway. She may be the only one to ask me… Though she will betray me in the future. It will happen. I heard her mumble something, before hearing her walk off somewhere else. I poke my head to see outside the window, where she was walking over a cliff, before disappearing. She's gone. I feel somewhat guilty, that I rudely ended the conversation there, but… Why did I do that?
I sighed and shivered lightly, allowing myself to walk on to get food and return to my boring and dull lifestyle. I always wanted to be that pony, the one who could handle social interaction perfectly, to have and return hugs to another, to have a… friend. Loving friends, and a marefriend. Things that are just too late to have… and unlikely to occur in the future. It's just… too late. Too many bad things… to have to get a true friend. Something which I don't believe, to have a true friend. Is there such a thing? I doubt it. I lost the feeling to trust another. I can't ever trust another pony, no matter who they are. I've never met the Princess either, so I wouldn't know. Frankly, I can't trust anypony at all. Never again. I don't want another betrayal at this new place. Hopefully, it won't be the same as the others. I've seen all of it, over the years. Ponies may come off as being the nicest kind, acting friendly at first, being nice to you and all the sort. Then they turn on you, it becomes an illusion. Once they get what they want, material possessions, mental satisfaction, any kind of benefit towards them, they'll turn on you…
That's just the way it is… And I just can't change. No… matter what…
It's been a few hours since that pony that called herself 'Pinkie Pie' the pink coated pony with the fluffy mane and tail, knocked on my door, wanting to be my 'friend'. Another act. She was a good one, though. Never seen it so genuine before. I wonder how she would turn on me, but I don't want to find out. I've been sitting or lying on my bed during all that time, in thought, feeling drowsy, eating breakfast…
I had to go out there… The first time didn't count. You didn't even leave the property, a pony knocked on your door. I made my way to the front door, staring at the knob again.
After forcefully mentally pushing my hoof down, I finally felt it touch the handle again. I froze upon impact, should I really go out there? I… I quickly open the door as swift as possible. My head was turned to the side and my eyes closed flinchingly. Nothing attacked me. A bright light from the sun instead came into my vision, blurring it. Once it became clearer, I felt no harm from the sunlight that shun itself in front of me. What was I expecting? I gently turned my head back forward and slowly lifted it up towards the sky, seeing the mostly clear sky, the blue background. I'm gazing at the sky, at the sunlight. Why? I can't help it for some reason. I'd be brought back down again somehow. Was there any point to that?
I looked around my surroundings, seeing other homes, observing the other ponies, unicorns, pegasi and earth alike. All chatting to one another. All laughing, smiling, and being happy in another's presence. I even hear some assertive speaker in the distance. In what way can I describe walking through the town was a gigantic chore for me, or just a pain, or both. Just going out and trying to make myself believe no one was staring at me, was terrifyingly unlikely to happen. It is one of the main reasons of why I really never went out. One of them. I wouldn't know if that is happening right now. As they could be staring at me, discussing me behind my back… I need to take a walk. I may need my saddlebag first.
I went into the living room to retrieve my saddlebag, along with the bits to buy more food, feeling hungry at the moment. Thinking about it, including food to stuff into the fridge, which was mostly empty. On the table with my saddlebag, I first turned my attention to the huge sack of bits... Where did this come from? This wasn't here before. I guess it was a present…? Well, let's look inside then… I wasn't rich, but it was enough to keep me going by without getting a job, for about two months. Where am I going to get a job, anyways? My fears is not going to be cured, not that they ever will, so… I'll… I don't know what to do. But, there's no reason to worry about it now. Of course, I only used those bits on stuff I really needed right now… food. I pulled out around twenty bits and placed them in my bag. After, I strapped it on and headed out to the front door again.
Just…try to ignore everypony…don't even look at them…just keep walking.
I hate it when others stare at me. But what could I do? Nothing. Ponies will continue no matter what. I don't know why I have to… I just do… When ponies stare at me…it just feels like…like they're laughing at me, they probably are. Behind their back or hiding it behind their faces, or to their own friends that I don't know. I can't stand the thought of that… Yet that's the life I know. I couldn't complain, though. Complaining doesn't do anything. All it does is that it just wastes your time.
It's only been about half an hour, and the walk was terrifying enough. Every pony I passed looked at me in one way or another. Probably laughing at me when I was out of view. Wouldn't be surprised. What could I do about it? This walk was… kinda boring, aside from being frightened by anypony that could potentially hurt me. But nopony walked up to me, not even saying hi. Like they were busy with something more important. Or that something was going on. Not even a word. I sighed. I just looked to the ground when I walked, feeling shame. Or guilt. Or both. I guess things can never change.
Then I accidentally bump into somepony when walking. Oh, no… I quickly look up to see who I've walked into quite stupidly, starting to panic as I jumped backwards. It was a white unicorn, who was wearing shades. She had dark blue and light blue in stripes as both her mane and tail, looking kinda messy as well as mine. She had a musical note as her cutie mark. She was also moving a big cart full of equipment of some kind. "Oh!" She made a noise, startling me.
"Oh, sorry." I quickly apologised, hoping the situation won't go horrific for me.
Thankfully it didn't. "Oh, no problems, man." She chuckled to herself. I sighed in relief. At least she wasn't bad. But, that doesn't mean I should just fully trust her because of this. I nodded as I then turned right and continue walking, but she stopped. "Hey, umm…" I froze in place. What does she want? "Sorry, but, erm… I'm new here. Wouldn't you mind if you could help me get to someplace?" Oh, great. Why do I have to be asked that kind of question? Why are you asking me? Well… what do I do? I don't want to be rude and brush her off and just ignore her, but… I don't want to leave a bad impression. Oh, jeez. Err… Choose quickly.
Hopefully this doesn't take long. I don't want to chatter to anypony right now, and become a slight hypocrite since talking to Pinkie Pie. "W-What do you need help with?" Real smooth there, idiot. I think turning back now wouldn't be a bad plan.
"Only all of this stuff." She motioned to the big cart, where now that I get a better look, has some amplifiers, electric keyboards, wires, even a DJ system. Is she a mechanic or something? Or a DJ, better yet? I guess that would make sense. How heavy is all that? And she wants me to pull it? I don't even know her. I don't see any point, other than I accidentally walked into her. Come up with something, quick! I couldn't, though. She must have seen my expression. "It will only take a few minutes." Doesn't help, really miss. I really don't want to. But, I'm going to feel bad that I don't…
"…erm, yeah, sure." I regretfully answered, still looking down at the ground.
"Oh, good." She sighed as she stepped away from the cart. I grabbed the handle with one of my hooves and started pulling, following where Vinyl was walking. I'm in fear that something bad will happen. Something always does. She will turn nasty on me at any moment. I just know it. I can't be her friend. I can't ever trust… anypony. "Hello? I asked a question." I was in some thought there. I shook my head at the sudden words, before looking down at the ground again.
"Sorry. You said something?" Hoping to get this awkward conversation behind us that was inevitable, I think trying to converse would be the way to go. If I knew how. And if I wanted to, that is.
"Yeah, how are you goin'?" She asked with a smile. I didn't want to answer that question. I started to panic again. Calm yourself, down.
"Erm…" Don't stutter. Think of something. "Yeah, I'm good." I lied. I don't want anypony to know what my feelings are. You get the point already… myself.
"Well, alright." She seemed taken aback by that. I guess she doesn't know that I'm the non-social type of pony. It will be over soon, anyways. And then the awkward silence ensued, as we walked for what seemed like an hour, over to wherever her place was. This cart wasn't that heavy, actually. Was she tired from something? You couldn't tell due to the fact that she was wearing shades that covered her eyes.
The silence lasted for some time, or at least it felt like it. I did not want to be here. Don't know how many times I'm going to repeat that phrase. "So," She started, breaking the uncomfortable situation we had faced, and still doing so. She looked up to the sky, seeing how it has cleared after the pegasi moved them out of the way, probably near Evertree. That place is reported to be deadly. As if they knew the definition. She sighed, as if I'd done something wrong. "Are you okay?"
That took me by surprise. Why would she care about my feelings? That if I'm okay. The truth is I'm not. I don't think I ever will be. I guess lying is better than the telling the truth. Only more problems will arise by telling the truth. "Yeah…" I answered quietly. Ugh… I always seem to feel bad when I lie, that something bad will occur. I… Yeah.
"Oh, okay…" Some first impression. At least the two ponies that I've first met in this town haven't acted badly. Yet. I guess she wanted to continue, but we were walking near some sort of hedge maze by this point, and saw a crowd, surrounding a stage, with fireworks display going on. Then a figure appeared, who proceeded to chant something to the crowd. "Hey, do you know what's going on?" She asks, confused as I am.
"No." I say, as we both approached the crowd, who seemed to stomp their hooves after what the figure would say. Okay… As we came closer to the maze, the figure on the stage was… a Minotaur. Huh. I've never seen one before in my life. I'm not really excited that I am seeing one. Though the thought that one are in Equestria… Why? Oh damn. I notice Pinkie Pie was at the back of the crowd, near us. Now I'm in fear of her seeing me. I could try and hide behind the cart, but the mare beside me will feel weird and confused by it. So it's a lose-lose situation. Another one. Can't they ever just go away, these situations?
"Stomp if you wanna pay nothing for this seminar!" The Minotaur yelled out to the crowd, in an assertive tone, that also felt intimating. The ponies stomped and cheered from what he had said, which slowly turned into a state of general confusion, before laughing at what I presume is the statement. Odd. Wait, what seminar is he referring to?
The Minotaur didn't like the laughter that was made, as he made a stern look towards the front of the crowd, shutting them up. I don't want to mess with him anytime soon. "That's no joke, friends." That is a really deep voice. "Iron Will is so confident that you will be one hundred percent satisfied with Iron Will's assertiveness techniques," He's referring himself in third pony. He… ponies seem to think they are better if they refer themselves like that. And one happened to show up here. "That if you are not one hundred percent satisfied, you. Pay. Nothing." Is this an assertiveness campaign? I don't want to be here if he notices me… "But I pity the fool who doubts Iron Will's methods! You don't doubt me, do you?" He went up to the faces of a few ponies in the front row.
"Uh-uh, no sir..." A brown stallion with a light orange mane replied in a worried state, sweat dripping from his head. I guess I would do that to. Sighs…
"That, my friends, is your first lesson. 'Don't be shy; look 'em in the eye.'" I get the feeling that he is a bully. Ponies seem to be in a general agreement from that statement, as they chatter amongst themselves. I notice that a yellow pegasi with a pink mane was looking as nervous as I was, and she was hanging next to Pinkie. Is she a friend of hers? I now notice that there is a hedge cut to be the statue of this 'Iron Will'. Egotists…
"Now, to demonstrate that Iron Will's techniques will work for anypony, I'm gonna need a volunteer." Oh, no. Not me. Please don't pick me. I hope he doesn't. I'm panicking again. I need to leave before he even sees me. Well, before a goat security guard picks one. Wait, everypony has their hooves up. Then a goat comes near me, and starts pointing in my direction. Oh no…
"You in the back row!" He yells, pointing towards me. Oh geez, I need to get out of here, but I couldn't. Oh no… Everypony was moving out of the way, so that they could get a better look of me. Oh jeez… Oh jeez…
"W-Who, me?" I hesitantly ask, with uncertainty and mainly fear. Please, not me. Don't pick me…
"No, you're too easy. The yellow pegasi!" …too easy? It doesn't matter. Thankfully, he didn't pick me, as I sighed in relief, but noticing that Pinkie was looking at me. I flinched and looked away from her gaze, in guilt. But, how am I too easy?
"Who, me?" The pegasi asked, fearfully as well. Now she is in my hooves. She is probably scared out of her mind, knowing that voice, which seemed like an innocent one.
"Yes, you! Iron Will wants you onstage!" I can relax now, at least I wasn't the center of attention. Instead, it was nearby me. The eyes that some were placed on me for a split second, was enough to get me nervous.
She gulped in fear. "Uh, well..." She stuttered, very quietly that I just managed to hear.
"Now!" He interrupted, being impatient. I would never face anypony in that mood. Not even if you dared me to. Not that anypony ever will…
"Okay." She responded in a small whisper, her whole body shaking. She must be really shy. I wouldn't even talk that softly. Would I? I don't know.
She started to make her way down the middle of the crowd, when one of the goat security guards moved in the way, rather rudely. She fell backwards, making a few ponies chuckle. "Whoa! He's blocking your path. What are you gonna do about it?"
"Um, politely walk around him?" She suggested in a really quiet voice.
"No." He responded, unsatisfied.
"Gingerly tip-toe around him?" She tried again, not getting his idea.
"No!" He started to get frustrated again.
"Go back home and try again tomorrow?" These weren't good excuses. Then again, I couldn't come up with any better.
"No! 'When somepony tries to block, show them that you rock!'" That doesn't make much sense to me. Also that was really loud that time.
"Oh! Sorry." She quickly apologized.
"Don't be sorry! Be assertive! 'Never apologize when you can criticize!'" He cleared his throat after his odd rhyme. "Why don't you watch where you're going!?" He yelled, making me flinch, even. The shy pony fell backwards, with more ponies laughing now. At her? "Now, you try."
"Hey, are you okay?" The unicorn beside me that I completely forget, asked after noticing by behavior, which was quite sudden.
"Yeah." I responded rather quickly as I glanced at her for a second from staring at the Minotaur. Why would she even care? She's going to turn on me anyways…
"Uh..." The pegasi stuttered, starting off. "Next time, get out of the way before... I bump into you, 'cause... I totally won't be sorry when I do!" That… was a sudden change of tone. I was kinda shocked. She may have seemed nice. Then again, why am I judging her from her good acting? She was probably paid off from the Minotaur so he could get tons of bits. Or whatever currency Minotaurs have.
I heard a faint 'cha-ching' sound, coming from somewhere near the stage. What does that mean? "You see my friends!? If my techniques can work for this shy, little pony, then they can work for anypony!" The crowd cheered at the end of his words, sounding impressed that a shy pony like that made such a remark like that. I didn't want to be here any longer, if he tries to pick me…
"Err, maybe we should go." I said quietly and nervously.
"Yeah…" The unicorn agreed, looking confused at the whole situation that just happened, probably, us walking on some 'seminar' where he made a pegasi act to be shy, only to turn nasty. Seen it before. Things don't change over time. No matter how long the time has been, they always seem to remain the same. I grabbed the handle of the cart as we started walking out of the hedge maze, being directed to her 'home', I guess. Pinkie Pie tried to grab my attention as we left, so I speed up faster so that the unicorn wouldn't notice. Thankfully, she was moved away from some other pony.
Awkward silence returned, as always. I kept staring at the ground as well moved along. Why am I even here? "Hey, wait up!" Some faint voice called for me. In my dust.
"Okay, we're here." She stopped at a house that was in the south of the town, where I haven't been before. I felt kinda tired from pulling that heavy cart for maybe an hour? Doesn't matter. I know that I've probably wasted my time. Then again, I had nothing else to do. I notice that ponies were actually smiling when they walked past me. They were probably aimed at the DJ with the shades. And… yeah, you get the point. I let go of the handle, as I took a breath. "Thanks, man. Appreciate it!" She held out a hoof. That's odd, they don't usually carry out this act for this long. Guess these ponies from around here like to take their time. That their… patient. And the hoof… Was I supposed to shake it, or bump it? I don't know. I'm kind of getting worried that if I get it wrong, she'd get the wrong idea or something. But then again, her tomboyish voice…
I decided to shake the hoof, softly. I'm not the strong type of pony. Even if I am an earth pony. I am just dull and plain. Although, I guess plain would have 'strong' as one of its credentials. She seemed confused that I even shook her hoof, getting a strange expression across her visible face. "Uh… Are you alright, man? You've been acting strange all day." Oh… Don't tell her. Lie. Get this over with.
"Y-Yeah. I'm fine." I had to look away from her gaze. Ponies don't need to know who I am. Even if they are new to this town. Like me. They are all nasty.
"You sure? You look like you don't want to be here." What? No… "Is there something that I did wrong?" The pressure… What…
"N-No!" That was too quick. Dammit. "No, there isn't anything wrong." I say, quieter than before.
She looked uncertain. That's not good. I start to back away, looking around for an escape. "Alright…" She said that with uncertainty. And narrowed eyes. Please don't push me further… "Also, name's Vinyl." She smiled, before stopping again. "What's your name?" She asked that question which I dreaded to hear. Was I willing to share my name to this pony?
"Um…" This isn't smooth, man. Think of an excuse. "Err, sorry. I need to be somewhere right now." I said that too quickly. Dammit. Okay, start backing off, and walk in some random direction.
She looked at me with narrowed eyes. "Okay…" She turned around, smiling at me, before walking inside her home, dragging that cart with her. "Is there something wrong with him…?" Oh, why did I have to hear that? Why… I guess all ponies are like that. Why she didn't insult me… I'll never know. "See ya!" She then waved off, as I was running away. I ignored everything she said from then on.
I got in a rush to get out of there. Those awkward moments of silence that I had with that mare… who wanted my help, after she was probably tired from moving that cart. Or just manipulated me into doing so, adding another things to by embarrassment. Sigh. I should have seen that coming. Why didn't I? Damn. They… always get me. Only usually, that have nerve to insult me after doing so, but I guess because she is new, she will try and use me as much as possible. I've stoped running now, and is just plainly walking, uninterested in anything at the moment.
Where am I even wondering now? Apparently to some autumn-looking forest. I can see a barn in the distance, in the middle of a giant apple forest. Apple farm, maybe? Who cares, anyways. Why should I? I'm walking towards this place for some reason now. I guess I'm hungry? I could buy a month's supply of apples from the looks of this place. Only to be ripped-off by the owners, here. Another sigh. I shook my head as I turned around, walking away from this place. I didn't see the point in walking here. How did I not notice the location of where I'm walking? Was I lost in some thought that… I now cannot remember? Damn, I hate my mind sometimes.
"Howdy!" Somepony spotted me. Oh geez. The voice had a southern-drawl to it, and was a mare's. I froze in place. Do I keep walking off, or turn around and greet this pony. Why would I even want to 'greet' anypony? That's stupid. They betray me, remember? Yeah, they do. Maybe this one could be different? Why would you think that, idiot? They are terrible ponies. The lot of them! How could you think that this mare, only this one, would be different? You're insane.
Do you want to try and make friends? Yes. Will they screw you over? Yeah. Give it up. "Hey! Where ya goin'?" She yelled out, as I made my way out of there. Please. Just leave me be… Don't hurt me. "Come back!"
That stupid walk was pointless. I slam the door and throw the saddlebag onto the table. In disgust. Why did I even go out there for? To be manipulated by another damn pony? What did I even get out of that? A walk where I to enjoy the scenery of ponies laughing and shaming be behind my back? Ugh. I'm slowly starting to hate this town, like the lot of em'. I…
It's becoming hard to breathe, all of a sudden. I collapse onto my knees, grasping at air. What's going on? Ow. Ow! Help. I can't breathe. Why is this happening?!
For a moment, then is suddenly stopped. It hurts. I pant in fear and sweat and confusion. My throat hurts. My eyes are teary. I'm panting for air… What just happened? How did I lose my ability to breathe? I don't have account of asthma, or at least I don't think. Then, everything is starting to black out. Oh no. Somepony… It looked like a false alarm. Nothing else happened. My vision just went black. I need fresh air. Staying in here after that... scenario won't help solve anything. Even if it meant going out to see other ponies stare at you. Just need air...
I sit on top of a bridge on the outskirts of town, hooves planted on my face, as I stare at the water in the streaming river below me. . I could even see the shining sun from the image in the water. That face that was once in a mirror, now slightly distorted in a reflection from water. That face that I didn't want to see again, but here he is. The pony that always follows me wherever I go. That simple, plain, uninteresting, face. Nothing special whatsoever about this pony in the water. Always follows.
I also notice that there are two mares sitting at the end of the bridge, talking amongst each other. Chatting away. Smiling faces. Laughter. Being happy in each other's company. Always constantly reminded of my loneliness. Things that I'll never have. I then look back at the reflection in the river. Nothing special about the coat, mane, or the eyes that are shown. Or the fact that he has no wings or horn. Useless.
"Hey!" A voice that one of the mares shouted. I turn my head slowly, not caring why that mare would shout, until I saw who she was shouting at. That shy pony from before. She had a aggressive look on her face. She didn't look too happy at the two mares sitting there, where I could see two spilt ice cream cones now laying on the dirt. Did... she just swiped them from their grasp? W-Why? Wasn't she the shy pony from before? She wasn't angry, or acting mean or anything. Was... she a bully? Was she really paid off? What am I saying, of course she was! "Get out of my way!" She pushed them both to the side, snarling at both of them, walking towards me. Am I supposed to run away from this 'bully' before she walks up to me. Maybe if I just stay to the side, she will ignore me. But that face at the bottom there, will not leave me. Jeez, I guess that reflection is better than the pegasi. Hopefully she won't target me. Why would she in the first place-
"Hey you!" She yelled from behind, making me jump backwards. I landed back first, feeling small pain from the landing. She startled me. "Why did you laugh at me before?" What? I didn't laugh at you.
"W-What?" I stuttered, being unable to keep any composure, frightened at this mare right in front of me. There was no way out of this situation. I couldn't get past her without running, but I was too... to r-run away.
"You laugh at me, I wrath at you!" She then punched, or rather shoved, me in the chest, sending me over the bridge, landing in the river. W-What? I'm terrified. Another bully. No. Please. Please stop this. Somepony. Please stop this. I can't move. I'm frozen in fear. I feel the small stream of the tide flowing past my coat. "Don't ever mess with the new Fluttershy! Got that!?" She roared as I couldn't move, quaking. They... they really are everywhere. I couldn't answer. I could only look away as I try to move any part of my body, which was paralysed. She growled before leaping over, standing over me. "Okay, fine! You're not going to answer me? Well, it's really pathetic of you to even get in my way!" My vision kept changing, having flashbacks at the same time she was speaking. "Don't ever mess with me!" A silhouette with a dark and grim background would change, that same burgundy pony that was always beating me. He appeared. Please. Why does he always come back. I just want this to stop... "Don't you know who I am!?" Please don't hurt me. "The New Fluttershy!" It went back to the present. She was then pulled off by two other ponies... Pinkie Pie, and another white unicorn that I haven't met. Pinkie was wide-eyed, shocked along with the unicorn. I guess I'm grateful that she's here. But why?
The 'New Fluttershy' didn't stop though, still attempting to leap at me as they pulled her away. She then spoke with even more venom than before. "You don't even know who you are." And there was the string that was broken in my frail, burning heart. Not even I know the definitive answer to that question, as I run away in tears, trying my hardest to not drip them. Why are there bullies everywhere?! I opened and slammed my door, locking it in the process. I pull the blinds from every window in this house, and run up in my bed, crying and sobbing on the lone pillow.
I... these ponies are everywhere. I can't ever escape them, can't I. They are always there. And always will be. Why. Why? Why!? Why are they always bucking there? That they somehow in someway managed to torment me in some fashion. That I'm locked in a cell, unable to escape. That I'm the one being tortured. Alone. Without any help from anypony. Alone. That they all turn on me, and they always will... It's just... I have to be the one that is tortured. What did I ever do in my life that was so bad to deserve this... pain?! I just don't know... And I don't want to think about it...
Actually, I know the answer to that question. The question, or rather the statement she made. I know what I am. I think I do. Alone. And that I will time and time again will be reminded of it, for every second that I live on this planet. Loneliness wasn't even my friend. He was always there, in the depths of the darkness, watching me. Following me like this pony was in the mirror, in the reflection, in the living flesh. Taunting me. Haunting me. Teasing me. Angering me. Like so many others have done in the past. But also, he has experienced it all with me as well. The pain. The fright. The agony. The despair. The sorrow. The anger. The depression. The fear. The confusion. One that always wraps it up in the end, just to start it all again. Always been there with me.
Ever since the beginning, when I could first remember. Seventeen years ago. Probably since the day I was born. All I've ever really wanted, loneliness, was peace. Could you ever give that to me? I'd very much like to see you try… Please… "It's all that I want… Please…"
It was now late in the day, six or seven. Hours after... what had happened. I could see the sun set from my bedroom window, the sight was one to behold. One that I've rarely seen. The old place, where I used to live, you couldn't get a decent view of the sunset, or the sun rise for the matter. Just buildings upon buildings, homes upon homes, never getting a good view of anything clear, considering all the places looked like slums, that haven't been refurbished in years. Or centuries. My head is lying against my left hoof, as I gaze my view of the sun lowering, the sky slowly getting darker. Probably the only good thing about this place. Undeniably outweighed by all the other negatives, rampant bullies, manipulative unicorns, arrogant and egoistical pegasi. Ones that I've see more often than not. Ones that are always there. Always. Ever since the beginning, they have been there.
And no one has ever loved me. Nopony ever. I've never had a mother. A father. A brother or a sister, younger or older. No family. I've never known them. As far as I know... No. No, I'm not talking about this to myself. I just the blinds to the window, and plop myself back in my bed, throwing the covers back over myself, as I then lay down against the soft lone pillow, darkness engulfing the room and the home. And as I try to sleep tonight, hoping for no more nightmares, but still getting them anyways, I still can't deny the major fact in my life of many.
I still live in fear and in pain. All I can do is just to deal with it.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You won't ever know how much I love you
Please Celestia, don't take my sunshine away