Fleche De Lard

Prologue

We see nothing but a huge black abyss. A dark, ominous build-up begins to play as the WARNER BROS. PICTURES logo suddenly appears and moves toward the camera, and vanishes away almost as immediately as it appeared. Then, the AmblinEntertainment logo fades in for five seconds, before fading out. Suddenly, we hear a deep, male voice speaking to us.

Narrator: For nearly twenty years, they left our screens. They were adored by children and adults alike during their time in the spotlight. However, there was one question about the show that remained unanswered and ambiguous even before it came to an end…

As the score comes to a crescendo, Babs Bunny suddenly appears before the screen. The music abruptly halts with the sound of a record scratching.

Babs: (Excitedly) Oh, Oh, I know! I know! It was why I hated being called Barbara Ann! I got soooooo many fan letters asking me why! Well, y’see, it’s really simple: the reason why I hated being ca-

Narrator: No…that wasn’t it at all.

Babs looks around in shock looking for the source of the voice.

Babs: What the-?! Who said that?

Buster walks into the shot from the left. He looks uninterested and unamused by his girlfriend’s antics.

Buster: Rope it in, Babsie. By the looks of it, this is some sorta opening to a movie.

Babs: (Rattling)Y’mean where they have those really dramatic scores an’ they make everything ominous an’ they have this really deep voiceover an’ then it’s all a huge twist an’ it’s actually supposed ta be really anticlimactic?!

Buster: Yeeep.

Babs: (Dismissively) They stopped bein’ funny years ago.

Narrator: If you two don’t mind, I’m trying to do my job here. The sooner I finish this prologue, the sooner I can get paid.

Buster: (Annoyed)Ahh, alright, alright. (Curious) What sorta thing is this anyway? (Excitedly) Wait…are they actually listening to the public…and Warner Bros have finally decided ta reboot the show?!

Babs: (Just as excited) WITH A MOVIE?!

Narrator: Well, yes, this is a movie, but…

He is interrupted as Buster and Babs leap around the blank space, whooping and cheering. Fireworks explode, and balloons and streamers fall down as the two rabbits embrace each other, tears of joy in their eyes.

Narrator: …It has nothing to do with you.

The fireworks stop exploding. The balloons all burst and the streamers flop down. Buster and Babs stop celebrating. They turn to the camera, both glaring balefully.

Babs: Hold on a second… She clears her throat and takes a deep breath. WHAAAAAAAAT??!!

Buster: (Outraged) How can you make a Tiny Toon Adventures movie…without Babs and Buster Bunny?!

Both: (Deadpan) No relation.

Plucky: (Offscreen) It’s possible, y’know! The green duck walks into the space. The bunnies glare at him. The truth is, you two aren’t the real stars of the show. He points haughtily to himself. It’s me!

Buster: You can’t be, you’re a duck!

Babs: And ducks are ALWAYS the second bananas. It’s the law!

Plucky: That’s cold-blooded discrimination! He turns to the camera. I will not stand for such species-ism, and neither should you guys out there! He suddenly points to the right hand corner of the screen. Hey, you! TURN OFF THAT PHONE!! He takes out a calculator. Statistics prove that ducks are 99.999999999995% funnier than rabbits. I should be in this celluloid train-wreck, not these two!!

Narrator: (to Plucky)Actually, you are in this movie.

Plucky: I am?! He leers at Babs and Buster. (Smugly) Well, this IS a pleasant surprise. I get ta be in a theatrical feature and YOU don’t! (To the camera) This is perfect! I’m the lead in my first foray onto the big screen! I’ll be the first Toonster from Acme Loo ta win an Oscar, I-

Narrator: (Interrupting) You play the role of the sidekick.

Plucky’s grin immediately turns into a fierce scowl, similar to that of the bunnies.

Plucky: A sidekick? (Furious) A SIDEKICK?! Ya mean ta tell me they’re makin’ a movie that has nothing ta do with those long-eared, carrot munching show-offs and I, I play the role of some inconsequential loser who reacts ta people more superior ta ME?! WHO, TELL ME, WHO IS THE STAR OF THIS GARBAGE?!

There is a short pause before the three toons suddenly hear a faint whirring noise: the sound of a machine coming to life.

Buster: Wh-What’s going on?

Babs: (Angrily)Now look what you’ve done, Plucky!

Plucky: Why are ya blamin’ me?! All I did was question this farce of a motion picture!

Buster: There’s no need for language like that, who d’ya think you are: Fowlmouth?!

Suddenly, we hear a loud whooshing roar. The black background suddenly crumples and tears as if it were made out of paper. Suddenly, Buster, Babs and Plucky are pulled upwards along with the background, their arms flailing frantically, they are sucked into…a giant Dustbuster.

The Dustbuster is turned off, and Hamton J Pig emerges from behind it. He is wearing a voice-changing face mask. The background is the outside of Warner Bros. Studios. Several people are rushing about behind him, carrying props and pieces of scenery. If you look very closely, you can see Yakko, Wakko and Dot being chased around by Ralph the Guard in the background.

Hamton: (In the Narrator’s voice) Now, now, I couldn’t tell you that. It would spoil the surprise! He takes the mask off. (In his own voice) Okay, Fifi, they’re gone!

Fifi La Fume emerges from the other side of the Dustbuster.

Fifi: Bon! Mon dieu, I thought zey would never shut up! (Alluringly) So, mon piggy du passion, do tu want to do some, how-you-say, necking before we start to act?

Hamton: I think ya already know the answer to that! He throws the giant Dustbuster offscreen. They embrace, and are just about to make out when they both turn to the camera.

Fifi: (to the camera) Do vous mind?

Hamton: (to the camera) Yeah. Why don’t ya go buy some more popcorn from the lobby? This may take a while…

They turn to each other, and are just about to kiss, when it abruptly cuts to black, and the names appear in the opening credits. A piano and a group of violins begin to play the opening theme for the movie:

Hamton J Pig

&

Fifi La Fume

In:

Fleche De Lard

A Tiny Toons Fanfic

By Redtop95

The piano and violins are joined by brass instruments, followed by a fanfare which heralds an orchestra which plays the song.

Also Starring:

Shirley the Loon

&

Plucky Duck

As Plucky’s name appears, the orchestral music is suddenly, albeit briefly, replaced by the Wackyland Rubber Band song. Once his name disappears, the orchestral score continues.

And the rest of the Tiny Toons Ensemble

Characters are property of

Warner Bros and Amblin Entertainment

Food catered by

Weenie Burgers

Script written by

Redtop95, Fifi La Fume and Hamton J Pig

Script sabotaged…err…edited by

Plucky Duck

Once again, as Plucky’s name appears, the orchestral music is suddenly, albeit briefly, replaced by the Wackyland Rubber Band song.

Plucky Duck

Once his name disappears, the orchestral score continues.

Beaten up by

Arnold the Pit Bull

“Can’t we just skip the opening credits and watch the movie?!”

Asked by the audience

“Okay…”

We replied.

The orchestral score comes to a spectacular conclusion as the motion picture begins.

Scene 1

We see nothing but blackness. However, we can hear piggish snoring. After a few snores, we hear a voice speaking.

??? : (Gently) Son?

The snoring continues. The voice speaks again.

???: (Slightly more annoyed) Son.

Once again, the snoring continues.

???: SON!!

Suddenly, we see Hamton leap up into the air in shock, yelling in fright. However, he is not in his modern-day bedroom. His room has a woody, thatched appearance, and his bed is made out of straw and mud. He hits the ceiling, which is also made from straw, and lands on the muddy floor. We get a better look at him. Instead of his trademark blue overalls, he is wearing a grey, mud-stained equivalent, which is slightly torn in some places. The camera pans out to reveal that the voice that had yelled at him had belonged to his father: Wade Pig. He is wearing clothing of a similar style.

Wade: (Helping him up) Now, try not ta get yer already filthy clothes even more filthy, son, especially after yer mother made ‘em for ya.

Hamton: (Looking down at his clothes) Oh, yuck! He frantically tries to rub his overalls clean, but only smudges them. He sighs, his pointy ears drooping.

Wade: G’morning, by the way, son. (Pats his son on the back and regards his mood). I know, I know, it’s not easy bein’ green…

Hamton: (Confused) Wh-What?

Wade pulls out a coffee-stained copy of his script. Taking out some small reading glasses, he looks at a page, before putting it away.

Wade: (Chuckles sheepishly) My bad, son. (He clears his throat) It’s not easy bein’ clean when ya live in 17th Century Paris. (To the camera) Yes, we’re French, but we have American accents, we know. (To Hamton) It’s even more uneasy when ya live in unsanitary conditions which can’t be helped because yer dirt poor!

Hamton: Well, it is the 17th Century, Dad. Hygiene wasn’t as good as it is today, and -

Wade: (Dismissively) I know that, son. This is a movie, not Histeria!

Hamton: (Raising an eyebrow) What’s Histeria?

Wade: (Shaking his head) Never mind. Now, I guess yer wondering why I woke ya up so early. Hamton nods. Well, uh… I can’t remember.

Hamton’s face sags down to his chest in exasperation.

Wade: OH, WAIT!! Now, I remember! Hamton reforms himself, and his eyes widen as he looks ecstatically up at his father. No, it’s, it’s gone again.

Hamton: (Beat) I’m just gonna go get some breakfast, Dad.

He’s about to walk offscreen when we hear Winnie’s voice.

Winnie: (Offscreen) There is no breakfast, dearie! Like your father said, we’re dirt poor!

Hamton: (Plaintively) But, Mooooom! I haven’t eaten since lunch break!

Winnie: (Offscreen) That was five minutes ago, dear! Besides, don’t you have to go to work this morning?

Hamton: (To the camera) Work?

Wade: Oh, yeah, that’s it. It’s yer first day on the job, today.

Hamton: (Genuinely confused) Wh-Where at?

Wade: At the palace!

Hamton’s eyes grow incredibly large and his pupils shrink to the size of pinpoints. His jaw hits the floor and his tongue lolls out, a sign saying WHOA, DID *NOT* SEE THAT COMING on it. His tongue goes back into his mouth like a window shade being pulled up.

Hamton: (Babbling incoherently) The peh-puh-p-peh-peh-puh – p-p-p-p-p-p-PALACE?!

Wade: (Impressed) Hey, that imitation of Porky Pig’s pretty good!

Winnie enters the room. She is wearing a patchy peasant dress.

Winnie: Don’t you remember, honey? You went for that job interview ta be the janitor for the King!

Hamton: (Dazed) I don’t remember that!

Wade: Ahh, it happened before the movie began. Anyway, the king’s not here at the moment. He’s away in Britain.

Winnie: (Gasp) Is he on a crusade?

Wade: No. He’s on vacation. (To Hamton) Anyway, son. This job ya got may actually be able ta get us money, so try not ta get fired. Stay outta trouble, and stay especially away from that Lord Sebastian fella.

Hamton: Wh-Who’s Lord Sebastian?

Winnie: Don’t you know? He’s the Lord of the Royal Council!

Wade: He’s currently in charge of France while the King’s away. (His face darkens) I don’t like him one bit. He gives pigs a bad name!

Winnie: Well, technically, he’s a warthog.

Wade: (Bitterly) Yeah, an’ he’s FULL o’ warts! (To the camera) If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he was the villain of this picture!

Winnie: (To her husband) SSH! (To Hamton) Now, sweetheart, remember that since you’re now a servant, you get to live at the palace.

Hamton: (Happily surprised) REALLY?!

Winnie: (Cheerfully)But you’ll most likely be sleeping in the cellar, so it won’t be any different to your own humble abode.

Hamton: (Disappointed) Aww…

Winnie: You’ll get ta go into all the rooms in the palace!

Hamton: (Happily surprised) REALLY?!

Winnie: (Cheerfully) But only to clean them.

Hamton: (Disappointed) Aww… Well, (He poses dramatically) at least I’ll be the one ta make ‘em spotless!

Winnie: (Patting her son on the head) That’s my baby. He’s always had that heroic side that he keeps hidden…

Wade: (To the camera) If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that was a plot point!

Winnie: (To her husband) SSH!

Wade: (To the camera in a deadpan voice) And if I didn’t know any better, I’d think that this would become a running gag. (To Hamton) Speaking of heroic sides: maybe that would impress the princess!

Hamton: (Genuinely interested) Princess?

Wade: Yeah! The king’s daughter! I thought you were smart, son. Maybe you could impress her with yer heroicness an’ yer passion for cleaning.

Hamton: (Suddenly dreamy) Yeah… Love hearts float around his head. It’s obvious that he has a crush on this princess.

Wade: It’s too bad yer not a prince. The love hearts all catch fire and shatter like glass. Hamton’s dreamy expression disappears instantly. Only royalty can marry royalty, an’ there’s NO royal blood in your veins, I’m afraid. Heh! Except for my brother…he’s a ROYAL pain! There is a rimshot as he starts laughing, only to see that his wife and son aren’t impressed. (To the camera)Well, some fell on stony ground. (To Hamton) Besides, you’re much too shy, son. But ya don’t hafta worry about yer shyness because you’ll barely see her anyway!

Hamton’s ears droop sadly.

Winnie: (Reproachfully) Wade! You’re out of character for some reason!

Wade: (Defensively) No, I’m not, I’m acting! Besides, young Hammy needs a conflict ta overcome in the plot of this movie! (To Hamton) And speakin’ of plots, ya need ta head on down to the palace! This scene’s dragging!

Hamton: Oh yeah! He runs offscreen, leaving a cloud of dust in his wake. The cloud of dust is shaped just like his body.

Hamton’s Dust Cloud: Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad! The dust cloud vanishes.

Wade: (Beat) Well, that’s our scene over an’ done with. We don’t hafta appear until later.

Winnie: So….wanna go to Happy World Land?

Wade: Uhhhh…Okay.

Scene 2

We get a huge sweeping shot of the whole of Paris as accordion music plays. As the camera roves through the street and over the rooftops, we see Buttons and Mindy floating past on balloons. Buttons’ balloons suddenly burst, and he plummets offscreen.

The camera cuts to a view of the street, where Hamton rounds a corner and steps over the prone form of Buttons. He passes Daffy Duck, who is a street performer. Just as the duck is about to open his bill, somebody empties a chamber pot over him from their window. Daffy glares at the camera.

Hamton: (To the camera)This is my home…at least in this movie, it is. Paris, France. Y’know, what with all these dynamic shots that ya only seem ta get in a movie, you can see how…awful it is. He leaps over a brown puddle. There’s no sense of hygiene here. He leaps out of the way as Mewsette (the cat from Gay Purr—ee) suddenly scampers past, being chased by Barnyard Dawg. An’ the people who live in the city are FAR from friendly!

As he speaks, the camera rises above him so we can get a view of the enormous palace.

Hamton: I wonder what it’s like in the palace. I bet that there are NO problems there!

The camera cuts to the inside of the palace. In sharp contrast to the streets of Paris, the palace interior is elegant and large. With several flags that hang from the ceiling and torches burning on the sides of the walls, it has that wide-spaced, but warm feeling. The soundtrack is a heralding fanfare.

The camera zooms in on Fifi as she walks towards the throne. She is wearing an elegant blue dress, with a skirt that reaches the floor, but does not drape onto the floor. She is wearing a cone hat with a pink ribbon flowing from the top of it. Despite her beautiful clothing and her usually pleasant demeanour, she looks angry and fed up.

Fifi: Ah have had eet! Ah am sick of living dans zis palace!

Suddenly, Shirley the Loon appears from behind the throne. She is wearing a dress similar to Fifi’s, only it is coloured pink.

Shirley: (While crossing over to her)Like, what’s the matter, Princess?

Fifi: Oh, Shirley, mon lady-in-waiteeng, ah have had enough of living avec zose idiots zat mon papa appointeed to look after moi after ‘e left!

Shirley: Y’mean Lord Sebastian, Cardinal Johnathan Pew an’ Duke Tad?

Fifi: (Annoyed) Oui. Zat Sebastian will not leave moi alone! Et zat Pew keeps telling moi zat if ah do not find a prince to marry within ze next five days, zen Sebastian shall ‘ave to marry moi instead!

Shirley is visibly disgusted by this.

Shirley: (Shuddering) Eww. Like, mondo gross! Everytime he speaks, spit flies outta his mouth. He’s like a cross between Daffy Duck, a warthog an’ a troll! Eww!! Though, ya shouldn’t diss the cardinal. He is, like, totally down with God!

Fifi: Well, ‘edoesn’t deserve to ‘ave zat honour! Why should ah marry un prince?! All ze princes zat ‘ave visited moi show no interest in moi! Zey just want to live dans ze palace! Why do zey ‘ave to tell moi what to do?! Ah am ze princess! Ah should be able to make ma own decisions!

Shirley: (to the camera) Hmmm, like, that sounds like a plot point!

Fifi: Non, Shirley, ah am serious. Why can’t ah marry somebody outside ze palace? Suppose ah have un crush on one of ze people out zere?! Mais non. Ah am not allowed to leave ze palace et meet anybody!

Shirley: Well, like, ya may get a chance ta check out a suitor from outside the palace walls!

Fifi: (Genuinely interested) How?

Shirley: Well, they’re bringin’ in the new servants ta work here! Two of ‘em, ta be precise. They totally live in the city.

Fifi: (Happily surprised) REALLY?!

Shirley: Buuuut, ya probably won’t see ‘em today. Only the Royal Council can check ‘em out.

Fifi: (Disappointed) Aww.

Shirley: They’ll be livin’ in the palace!

Fifi: (Happily surprised) REALLY?!

Shirley: Buuuut, since they’re the servants, they’ll probably be livin’ in the cellar or something. An’ yer not allowed down there.

Fifi: (Disappointed) Aww.

Shirley: (to the camera) Y’know, I’m totally sure they already did this schtick. (To Fifi) By the way. Is, like, ANYONE gonna refer to the king by his name in this movie?

Fifi: Non, not yet. Zat would ruin ze surprise!

Suddenly, the doors crash open. Fifi and Shirley turn in shock. The camera cuts to three figures who immediately stride into the throne room. The tallest one is an ugly warthog wearing red medieval clothing. His right tusk is chipped. On his left is a male skunk with blue fur wearing cardinal robes, and on his left is a more muscular pig with long brown hair and wearing a green top-hat and tails. They are Lord Sebastian, Cardinal Pew and Duke Tad, respectively.

Fifi: (Rolling her eyes) Mon dieu…

Sebastian: (Slimily)AH! Good morning, princess! And how are you this fine day?

Fifi is obviously trying to fight the urge to insult the warthog. They all wait for her to reply. At last, Fifi sighs.

Fifi: (Reluctantly) Ah have been better…

Sebastian: I don’t care. (To Pew and Tad) So, when are the peasants showin’ up ta work?

Before the two can reply, Fifi steps forward.

Fifi: Ah wish vous would not refer to ze people by zat name.

Sebastian: (Patronising) What name?

Fifi: Vous know! Zey should be shown more respect!

Sebastian: (Mockingly)How do you know that, princess?

Fifi: Ah…Ah do not! Mais zat eez not ma fault! Ah am forbidden to leave zis palace!

Sebastian: And for a good reason, princess. If you set one dainty little foot outside this palace, those commoners would rob you blind in a heartbeat!

C. Pew: Y’know, Lordy, if we didn’t just neglect them, maybe they wouldn’t rob the princess if she left the palace.

Sebastian: (To C. Pew) Shut up an’ go read a bible or something! (In a stage whisper) Besides, you’re one of the villains, ya can’t think about the goodwill of the peasants! (to Fifi) Anyway, my princess. You COULD leave the castle…buuut only if you have a prince with you. He appears to be losing his temper. This means…you…have…to…get…MARRIED!!

Fifi: Why do ah have to marry un prince?!

C. Pew: (Stepping in) Because without being married to a prince, how d’ya expect ta rule the country once the king pushes up daisies?

Tad: Uhh… I thought it was once the king was dead.

There is a beat as everyone stares at him, before Sebastian speaks.

Sebastian: The cardinal has spoken. You had better hurry, princess. You’ve only five days until the deadline, and-

Shirley: (Interrupting) We, like, totally brought that up a few minutes ago.

Sebastian: (To Shirley) Shut up. (To Fifi) With that said, though…He ponders…I suppose you could always marry yours truly if you can’t find anyone!

Fifi and Shirley shudder violently.

Sebastian: I’m glad you’re willing to co-operate. He looks at his surprisingly modern wristwatch which has Bugs Bunny as the hands pointing at the numbers. Would you look at the time? We have to introduce our newest slaves, I mean, employees. (To Fifi) I have a treat for you, princess. For the first time…EVER! You…and your lady-in-waiting get to see our new employees!

Fifi looks surprised, even hopeful. Perhaps she may meet her special one!

Scene 3

Hamton walks up to the gates of the palace. He looks up, awestruck by the extravagant architecture. He’s so busy looking up, he doesn’t notice until too late that he is about to walk into somebody. With a CLANG, he bumps into Private Snafu, who’s wearing a suit of armour, and falls down on his behind.

Snafu: (Pointing his lance at Hamton) STOP RIGHT DERE! Are yous a friend…or foe?!

Hamton: (Looking down at the sharp lance nervously) Err, Friend?

Snafu stops pointing the lance at him. Hamton picks himself up.

Snafu: Ah, dat’s good. I just ain’t in da mood for fightin’ off intruders! So, why are yous here, anyway?

Hamton: I-I’m the new janitor for the palace! I, uh, even brought my own cleanin’ utensils! He shows Snafu a mop, a broom, a Dustbuster and some disinfectant.

Snafu: Ohhhh. Well, yous best come in, da Royal Council are expectin’ ya! He turns and Hamton is about to follow him through the entrance when Snafu suddenly points his lance at him again. If yous are lyin’ ta me, ya’ll get dis shoved up where da sun don’t shine! I’m one of da best guards in Paris! He turns and promptly falls down, his armour clanking and the visor on his helmet covering his face.

Hamton: (Watching as Snafu struggles to adjust his visor) Err…you’re okay. I’ll find my own way in… Stepping over the guard’s prone form, he walks through the entrance into the palace. We get sweeping camera angles as he marvels at all of the colourful flags that adorn either side of the walls, and listens to the harpsichord that can be heard playing. Suddenly, we hear a familiar grumbling from around a corner.

??? : I can’t believe this! I studied Stanislavski an’ this is my big break?! I can recite all of D.D’s lines from all his cartoons, and THIS is the role they give me in the first ever theatrical motion picture?!

Hamton peers around the corner to see Plucky wearing a red and green jester outfit with bells on his hat. Plucky has his back to us as the pig creeps closer.

Plucky: When all this is over, I am gonna have a word with this Redtop fella an’–

Hamton is now right behind Plucky.

Hamton: Hi, there!

Plucky: AAAAAAAAAAGH!! He leaps into the air, hits his head on the ceiling, and lands flat on his face. A lump now protrudes from the top of his head; his hat is perched on it.

Hamton: A-Are you okay?

Plucky: (Jumping to his feet and staring him bill to snout) DON’T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT!! I coulda sliced ya to ribbons with my bare wings!

Hamton: Gee, I’m sorry! He looks at Plucky’s outfit. Hey! Did the king give you the job of bein’ a janitor here, too?

Plucky: (Affronted)WHAT?! ME?! A JANITOR?! How DARE you suggest such a thing?! I refuse ta stoop ta such a level of menial labour! He poses grandly. This clothing, my dear philistine, is the uniform of a performer! I am the most versatile actor in all of France! (To the camera) And yet I’m STILL the sidekick! (To Hamton) Here is a series of photographs that demonstrate my acting prowess!

He takes out a photo album and shoves it in Hamton’s face. The camera cuts to a photograph of Plucky covered in birthday cake, with a crying Lil’ Sneezer sat at a chair with a banner that says “Birthday Boy”. The camera then cuts to Plucky covered in tomatoes on a stage which has a banner saying “COMEDY NIGHT FOR BURNT-OUT STARS THAT ARE SO DESPERATE TO GET OUT OF OBSCURITY, THEY’LL DO ANYTHING”. The final photo that the camera cuts to is of a sneering Plucky, with a sponge in one hand and a bucket of soapy water in the other, washing a fancy red car.

Hamton: Uhhh… He is unimpressed, but trying not to show it. That…sure is good for your curriculum vitae!

Plucky: My what now? He puts the album behind his back. Anyway, today’s gonna be my big break! If I can get this acting job for the king, then I’ll be famous! (To the camera) And let’s face it; my appearance in this movie makes the whole darn thing more watchable!

Suddenly, the door at the end of the corridor opens. Hamton and Plucky turn to see Junior Bear in a suit of armour walk up to them.

Junior: Duuuuuuh, are you guys the new recruits?

H&P: A-Yeeeeeees.

Junior: (Clapping his hands)Oh, boy! We got two janitors working here!

Plucky slaps his face with his palm and drags it down his face, bending his bill, which wobbles like a diving board.

The camera cuts to the throne room, where Lord Sebastian sits on the king’s throne, with Tad and C. Pew standing either side. On the left hand side, Fifi sits on her slightly smaller throne, with Shirley stood beside her.

Sebastian: (Calling to Junior) Are the new recruits here yet?

Junior: Uhhhh...(Beat) Yeah! Here they are! He shoves Plucky and Hamton into the throne room.

Sebastian: (Interested, to Hamton) Ah! A fellow porcine! You can go first!

Hamton looks around, and points at himself. Fifi giggles.

Sebastian: Yes, you. Now, come forward!

Hamton gulps, takes a deep breath, and strides towards the thrones. His eyes dart nervously in all directions as he approaches them. His eyes suddenly fall on Fifi. A sound of a record scratching can be heard as the camera suddenly zooms in on her.

Hamton: (Thinking) The princess!

A thought bubble materialises above his head. We see Hamton and Fifi running in slow motion towards each other in a meadow filled with flowers, the sun is shining on the both of them, highlighting their respective colours. The chorus of Happy Together by The Turtles can be heard. Just as they are about to reach each other and embrace, the thought bubble suddenly bursts and the song abruptly ends.

Sebastian: ARE YOU EVEN PAYING ATTENTION?!

We are back in the throne room. Hamton is just stood there, awestruck and speechless. The camera cuts to Sebastian, who is glaring at him. Hamton continues to stand there with a blank expression, his eyes fixed on Fifi.

C. Pew: I think he’s been possessed! He pulls out a crucifix.

Tad: (To C. Pew) We get it, dude. You’re religious!

Suddenly, Plucky comes up from behind, and shoves Hamton out of the way. Fifi, for some reason, glares at the duck.

Plucky: Ha! Stage fright! Typical of amateurs! Allow me to introduce myself.

Sebastian: (Bored) The palace only needs one janitor: not two.

Plucky: (Furious) I AM NOT A JANITOR!! He calms down and poses regally. I am a performer! And I also have an announcement. I am the real lead for this movie!

Everybody: WHAT?!

Plucky: (Patronisingly) Yeah! Didn’t any of ya go to Rehearsal Number 87 on February 30th? There was a new revised script distributed that said that I’m the lead now!

He pulls out a copy of the script and flicks a few pages. He shoves the page in the camera’s focuses. The page has been scribbled on with crayon. There is also a rather crude drawing of Plucky stabbing Buster with a knife, and another of him holding several academy awards. The words say “Plucky is the star. Not that fat pig and his stinky girlfriend”.

Plucky: See? So, I’m the real star, now!

Sebastian: (Flatly) That’s impossible. You’re a duck. Ducks are always the second bananas.

Plucky: (To the camera) This is really starting to bug me. (To Sebastian) Well, my mentor, D.D would beg ta differ!

C. Pew: (Incredulous)D.D? As in Daffy Duck?

Plucky: (Cockily) Yes. Impressed, huh?

C. Pew: That pretentious dork who thinks he’s as good as Bugs Bunny?

Plucky’s expression changes to a frown accompanied by the sound of glass breaking.

Plucky: (Furious)DAFFY DUCK HAS MORE FANMAIL THAN THAT RABBIT!!

Tad: He does y’know. (Beat) He sends it to himself.

Everybody roars with laughter.

C. Pew: Yeah! We all knew he was number two from the beginning: his mother gave birth to him on the toilet!

The laughter becomes harder as Plucky seethes like a volcano.

Sebastian: (Wiping a tear from his eye) So, you’re a performer, eh? What sorta performing do ya do?

Plucky: I have performed with a travelling comedy group called “Le Perdant Fichu”! We have acted in countless burger joint- theatres! Unfortunately, my fellow union actors are currently on strike. However, I left the strike in order ta get this job!

Suddenly, a brick smashes through one of the stained glass windows, hitting Plucky square on the head. He crumples to the floor, stars floating around his head.

Fowlmouth: (Offscreen) YA DADGUM SCAB!!

Sebastian: What a mess!

C. Pew: I know. We should have those strikers executed for vandalism!

Sebastian: I was actually talking about the duck, but you’re quite right! (To Hamton) Here’s your first job! Clean up this glass, and repair the window!

Suddenly, Hamton, who was lying on the floor, leaps to his trotters and becomes rigid. He takes out a dustpan and brush, and walks mechanically toward Plucky. He sweeps up all of the broken glass, picks up Plucky and takes out a garbage pail. He dumps the duck into the pail, and daintily sweeps the shards in with him. Then, he zooms up to the broken stained-glass window, and disappears into a dust cloud of flying fists, spanners and pots of paint. The sounds of hammering and sawing can be heard. Everybody watches with interest, even Plucky, whose behind is stuck in the pail. Finally, the dust cloud clears, and Hamton, still with that blank expression, leaps down.

The camera zooms in to the stained glass window. However, the painting on it is not the same as it was before it was smashed. Instead, we see a surprisingly-detailed painting of Fifi dancing with Hamton in a star-filled sky. They are surrounded by huge love hearts. The camera cuts to the real Fifi, who has a hand to her mouth, genuinely touched. Shirley raises an eyebrow, clearly impressed.

Sebastian: Well, good job, my boy! I’m very – Wait a minute! The painting on the stained-glass window wasn’t that! It was of me eating a burrito!

C. Pew: (Sneering) And it’s inaccurate. The princess would never associate herself with peasants!

Fifi: (Suddenly speaking up) Why do vous think zat?! Ah mean…ah think zat zis cochon has shown some trés sufficient skills, Sebastian! ‘E eez perfect pour ze job!

Sebastian: That’s true, princess, but he has the audacity to show us his secret desires. He should not flaunt them here! (To the camera) He should flaunt them on Rule 34.

Tad: Uh, huh, huh, huh. Y’know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that the peasant has…a crush on the princess!

Hamton’s blank expression literally shatters into pure undiluted horror. He looks up at the window he has just repaired and repainted. His jaw hits the floor in shock. He looks nervously at Fifi.

C. Pew: The peasant…in love with the princess?! Why it’s unthinkable! It’s…He suddenly bursts out laughing. So does everyone else except Fifi and Shirley. Hamton shrinks in shame, and hides behind the pail that Plucky is trying to pull himself out of.

Tad: A peasant marrying a princess. (He guffaws) That’s about as likely as Nickelodeon making a funny cartoon!

Sebastian: (Laughing) This guy’s got ideas above his station! (To Hamton) Okay, pig. Ya got yourself the job. His face suddenly darkens as he towers over Hamton. But you STAY AWAY from the princess. She wants nothing to do with people who hafta work for a living.

Fifi: (Indignant)Ah think ah can speak pour myself, Lord Sebastian!

Sebastian: (To Fifi) Shut up, princess. (To Hamton in a deadly whisper) I’m warning you. If we catch you in even the same area as the princess, you’ll find yourself at the guillotine.

Hamton swallows hard at this dreadful threat. Plucky finally pulls himself out of the pail.

Plucky: HEY! Can I show ya my routine?!

Sebastian: (Rolling his eyes) Oh, alright. He stumps back to the throne as the duck marches before the Council, a smug grin on his face.

Plucky: (Takes a deep breath) You guys wanna hear a joke? This movie! Everyone gasps. Yeah, you heard right. I mean they FINALLY make a PROPER motion picture, and what do I get? I, the best character on the show? I get relegated to a sidekick role! The whole thing stinks worse than the princess!! Everybody gasps again. Fifi glowers. Ya wanna hear another joke?! The Council!

Sebastian gets to his feet, a fierce scowl on his face. The only toons who don’t appear to be shocked by Plucky’s “routine” are Shirley, Fifi and Hamton. Fifi is glaring, still a bit offended by the duck’s joke.

Plucky: I mean, what the heck do you guys do for the people?! You’re about as worthwhile as “The Looney Tunes Show”! Ya hafta sell yer anatomy ta buy a Weenie Burger!! And where does the money go? Ta you guys!

Sebastian: (Ferociously) THAT’S ENOUGH!! Everybody goes silent. The warthog stomps towards Plucky, who suddenly lays an egg. (Deadly calm) You dare to mock the Royal Council?

Plucky: (Genuinely terrified) B-B-B-B-But that’s my act! It’s satire! The Simpsons do it all the time!

Sebastian: (Still deadly calm) The Simpsons stopped being funny years ago. He leans closer to Plucky. Do you expect us to allow you to work here…after that performance?

Plucky: (Nervously, trying to get away from him) Well, heh-heh, according to the script…

Sebastian: (Interrupting, to the guards) Take this washed-up failure to the dungeons. He shall be executed at dawn.

Plucky’s jaw hits the floor and he briefly melts into a puddle before reforming himself.

Plucky: (Horrified) WHAAAAAAT?! How come?!

Sebastian: For showing an appalling amount of disrespect towards the council…and being about as funny as a stroke. (To the guards) Seize him!

Plucky quacks in panic and tries to run, but he is dogpiled by several guards. They all disappear into a dust cloud of flying fists and feet. When the dust cloud clears, Plucky is tied up, shackled and has his head in some stocks.

Plucky: (Angrily) Oh, I see! You guys can’t stand hearing somebody else’s opinion! The guards begin to drag him away. YA CAN’T STAND IT WHEN SOMEBODY GOES ALL POLITICAL ON YA!! ALL THE COMEDIANS DO THIS SCHTICK, YA KNOW!! I WANT A LAWYER!!

The huge doors slam shut.

C. Pew: Being a skunk of the church, I would find the idea of execution to be quite an inhumane approach to justice... A rather sadistic grin suddenly crosses his face and even the throne room darkens as he continues. …If it wasn’t for my unrelenting lust for blood as it gushes from the stump of the decapitated head and stains the axe of the executioner! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA!!

The whole throne room goes silent. Everybody stares at C. Pew, who is now back to normal, acting as if he didn’t say anything.

Tad: Duuuuuuude. That is messed up and disgusting. And I know messed up and disgusting ‘cause I’ve watched Ren and Stimpy.

Sebastian: The Royal Council are now dismissed. (To Hamton) Now, get ta work!

Hamton: Wh-Where?

Sebastian: At the lowest part of the palace, up to the highest part!

As everybody begins to leave the throne room, Hamton looks over at Fifi who is walking away. She suddenly stops and turns to look at him. She winks seductively at Hamton before leaving. Hamton sighs happily, and begins to work.

INTERMISSION

“Let’s all go to the lobby, let’s all go to the lobby…”

Fleche De Lard will continue in Part 2.