The Final Battle
Welcome to the finale of:
Fleche De Lard
We see nothing but blackness. Suddenly, we can hear Fifi’s voice calling out.
Fifi: (Offscreen, softly) Hamtone? Hamtone?
The blackness disappears in the style of eyes blinking open. We can see Fifi smiling warmly at the camera. She is still wearing her dress. The camera cuts to Hamton, who is still wearing his armour and cape. He yawns and sits up. The camera zooms out to reveal that he and Fifi are sat on the bed in his room. The sun is shining in through the window, and we can hear birds singing.
Fifi: (Seductively) Bon matin, mon piggy du love.
Hamton sits up and rubs his eyes. He looks at their attire, and then at his bed in confusion.
Hamton: (Perplexed) W-we’re home…
Fifi: (Pleased) Oui. Zat we are.
The pig scratches his head as he looks around his bedroom, trying to comprehend what is going on. Suddenly, an idea comes to him.
Hamton: (To Fifi, ecstatic) We must have been roleplaying in stuff that can’t be talked about in a PG movie and we fell asleep! The whole thing was just a dream! (To the camera) While I admit that’s an incredibly disappointing plot twist, I’m relieved that we’re no longer in any danger. (To Fifi) Well, I guess that means the movie’s over. Ya want some French toast?
Fifi: (Giggles, to Hamton) Oh, tu silly cochon. Ze movie eez not over yet!
Hamton: (Confused) The movie’s not over yet? (Chuckles) Of course it is, Fifi! It’s been revealed that our adventure was just a dream! C’mon. We’ll go have breakfast. He is about to get off the bed when Fifi stops him.
Fifi: (Seriously) Hamtone… Zis eez ze dream. We are still dans great danger.
Hamton: (Confused) What? No, no, we’re not in danger anymore! He leaps off the bed and crosses to the bedroom window. Look! It’s a beautiful day! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the Iron Giant is about ta pick up the house- WHA?!
The camera zooms out to reveal the Iron Giant bending over. He grabs the house in his huge hands and pulls it out of the foundation. As he lifts it higher into the air, Fifi and Hamton bounce and skitter about like peas in a frying pan. They rush to the window to look into the eyes of the enormous robot.
Hamton: (To Fifi) Okay…that’s kinda weird.
Fifi: (To Hamton) Now do tu believe zat zis eez un dream?
Hamton: Well…it can’t get any worse!
Suddenly, we hear a whistling noise. Hamton, Fifi and the Iron Giant look to see an atom bomb plummeting towards the Earth. As it hits the ground, a glowing white mushroom cloud erupts, the shockwaves sweeping towards the Iron Giant. The machine falls over, dropping the house in the process. As it plummets downwards, spinning upside down, Fifi and Hamton hug each other tightly and scream.
Abruptly, Hamton sits up, screaming and wringing his hands. We can see a dark, filthy wall behind him. He continues screaming for a beat before he finally stops, panting breathlessly. The camera pans out to reveal that he is in a dank, filthy prison cell. His right foot is shackled to the ground. We can hear the sounds of water dripping in the distance. We hear footsteps echoing and a shadow appears on the dimly-lit walls outside the cell. Hamton is frightened. He tries to run away, but the chains stop him. The familiar figure of Lord Sebastian walks into our view.
Hamton: (Shocked) L-Lord Sebastian?!
Sebastian: (Mockingly) Welcome home, peasant. I’m glad to see you’re finally awake.
Hamton’s shock turns to fury. He tries to get up to confront Sebastian, but he is held back. The warthog laughs at his attempts.
Sebastian: I must admit that you and your ragtag band of freedom fighters have been quite a challenge to capture. Thankfully, we got you in the end.
Hamton: (Angry, demanding) Where are the others?!
Sebastian: Oh, don’t worry. They’re in different cells in this dungeon, alive and well…for now.
Plucky: (Offscreen) I have been studying how I may compare…this prison where I live unto the world…
Sebastian: (To Plucky, in a bored voice) Shut up.
Plucky: (Offscreen, sheepish) Sorry…
Hamton: (Nervous) What have you done with the princess?
Sebastian: (Sarcastic) Oh, how sweet, you’re concerned for the princess’s safety. (Mockingly) She’s right here. (Calling offscreen) CARDINAL!
C. Pew comes into view. He has Fifi, who has her wrists tied up, in front of him.
Fifi: (Angry, to C. Pew) Let go! Let go of moi, vous demon! She sees Hamton looking at her from inside the cell. (Gasps) Hamtone! She tries to free herself from the cardinal’s clutches, but it is no use.
C. Pew: (To Sebastian) The princess is being disagreeable, your highness.
Sebastian: (To C. Pew) I expected that. I’ve decided therefore, that I can’t marry such a disobedient little brat. I shall rule France alone! She will die along with her father and her pathetic friends. (To Hamton) You’ll be happy to know that, since I’m such a noble and loving monarch, I’ve decided that I was wrong. You two deserve to be together. (To Fifi) You’re gonna share this cell with your so-called ‘hero’…and the two of you shall be the first to be executed.
He opens the cell doors and C. Pew unties her wrists and shoves her into the cell. Hamton catches Fifi before she hits the ground. As soon as the skunkette was pushed into the cell, Sebastian slams it with a resounding CLANG! As the pig and skunkette turn to look at the laughing villains, Tad comes into view.
Tad: (To Sebastian) I’ve pressed your robes for the coronation, dude!
H&F: (Shocked) CORONATION?!
Sebastian: (To Fifi and Hamton) Why, yes! I can’t officially become king without being crowned by our very own cardinal! And to make my special day all the more glorious…I’ve decided that you four rebels AND the former king shall be put to death during the ceremony. As one king dies, another takes his place!
Fifi: (Shocked, to Sebastian) Non! Vous cannot do zis!
Tad: (Patronisingly, to Fifi) Err, yes, we can.
Sebastian: (To Fifi and Hamton) Why don’t you two caged lovebirds have a little chat before you make your way to the guillotine? (Darkly) How about you discuss your arrogance at believing that you could save all of France…and how you failed to stop me. (To Fifi) You’ve always been concerned about the peasants…and now you’re gonna die like one. (To Hamton) This’ll teach you the fact that peasants can’t stop those in power, won’t it? (To C. Pew and Tad) C’mon, boys. We have to plan for my crowning. Let’s give these forbidden lovers some privacy.
They walk offscreen, their laughing echoing through the dungeons. Fifi just moves to a corner of the cell and slumps down. Hamton watches her with mounting sadness.
Hamton: (Tentatively) Fifi…I’m… I’m sorry.
Fifi: (Sniffles) Pourquoi?
Hamton: I’m sorry for not being the hero that the prophecy said I would. Now Lord Sebastian’s gonna take over all of France and we’re gonna die…because of me. We were gonna save the king…and now we can’t even save ourselves.
Fifi looks at him and shakes her head, tears welling in her eyes.
Fifi: Non…non. Tu were ze hero…tu were mon hero. Tu saved ma life, et tu ‘ave mon gratitude…
Hamton: And you were my hero as well. Heck, you saved my life quite a lot in this picture…
There is a beat as they sit in silence. The only sounds that can be heard are the drops of water falling from the ceiling.
Hamton: I suppose that…I probably wouldn’t have lived that long, anyway, being a mere peasant. (Sniffles, then brightens up) Though, it’s funny. I thought I was gonna have a humdrum janitor lifespan…but then I got the job at the palace and met you…and I went on the most exciting journey of my life.
Fifi: (Brightening up) Oui! Our journey was fun, was eet not? (Sniffles) We dressed up et danced at ze party.
Hamton: And we rode horses together…
Fifi: Et we both ‘ad un, how-you-say, petit dip… (Sadly) Eet eez a shame zat we will never be able to play our petit duet, eez eet not?
Hamton’s face falls as he remembers the vow that he and Fifi had made. He sighs sadly…before something comes to him.
Hamton: W-well, you never know. Maybe…
Fifi: (Puzzled) Quoi?
Hamton: Maybe, we’ll be able to have one…in Heaven.
Fifi: Oui…perhaps we could… (Giggles) Though, we might ‘ave un problem finding un tuba pour tu.
Hamton: (Chuckles) You could be right. B-But we would play together, wouldn’t we?
Fifi: (Reassuringly) Oui. Zat we would.
Hamton reaches out and wipes the tears off of the skunkette’s cheek. He cannot get any closer to her because of his chains. Fifi decides to come closer to him instead. Wrapping her arms around him, she kisses his cheek tenderly in an effort to comfort him. Hamton feels tears rolling down his own cheek. Then, he has an idea for a duet.
# Everything I Do (Instrumental) – Bryan Adams
Hamton: (Sings) Look into my eyes…you will see…what…you mean to me. Search your heart…search your soul…and when you find me there, you’ll search no more. Don’t tell me, it’s not worth tryin’ for. You can’t tell me, it’s not worth dyin’ for. You know it’s true: Everything I do…I do it for you.
Fifi, who has been listening to the pig’s song, catches on, and sings the next verse.
Fifi: (Sings) Look into mon heart…tu will find…zere’s nothing zere to hide. Take moi as ah am…take ma life…ah will give eet all, ah would sacrifice. Do not tell moi, eet’s not worth fighting for. Ah cannot help eet, zere’s nothing ah want more. Tu know eet’s true: Everything ah do…ah do eet pour tu.
Their sorrow appears to leave them as they sing. Despite their impending death, the pig and skunkette continue to sing soulfully, their voices ringing out in the dungeon. They sing together at last.
H&F: (Singing) There’s no love…like your love…and no other…could give more love. There’s nowhere…unless you’re there…all the time…ALL THE WAY, YEAH!
As the break begins, Fifi gives Hamton a lip-locking kiss, which causes love hearts to flood into the dark cell.
H&F: (Singing) Oh, you can tell me, it’s not worth trying for…I can’t help it, there’s nothing I want more! Yeah, I would fight for you…I’d lie for you…walk the wire for you, yeah, I’d die for you… You know it’s true…everything I do…Oh, yeah…I do it for you…
They embrace each other lovingly as the song ends. After a pause, Hamton loosens the hug slightly and breaks the silence.
Hamton: (Tentatively) F-Fifi?
Fifi: Oui, Hamtone?
Hamton: I’m…I’m glad that my final happiest moment among the living was with you.
Fifi: Et ah am happy to be avec tu…Ma only love…
We cut to the throne room. It has been decorated in rather flimsy flags with have pictures of Sebastian’s head on them. Some of the flags say: “HE’S THE KING!” and others say “THE WICKEDEST ONE WE’VE EVER HAD!” C. Pew is putting on his white and gold coronation robes, and Tad takes out a digital camera and takes pictures of the throne room. Suddenly, he stops and looks at the camera with confusion.
Tad: (To the camera) Whoa… since when was this movie a musical?
C. Pew: (To Tad)What’re you talking about, fool?
Tad: (To C. Pew) It’s just that…I thought I heard singing coming from the dungeons.
Sebastian: (Laughs) It’ll probably be the princess and the peasant lamenting their inevitable execution. That’s why I decided to have my coronation at the same time as their death. (To C. Pew) Would ya like to go over the new laws I came up with for once I took the throne?
C. Pew: Do tell, your soon-to-be highness.
Sebastian: Well… He takes out a piece of parchment and reads from it. I’ll have coal mines dug in every part of France in order to give people jobs…
C. Pew: (Uncertain) Yes…
Sebastian: And then…I’ll close ‘em all down!
C. Pew: (Ecstatic) Excellent! You’ll be the most tyrannical…tyrant in history! (Mockingly) King Pepe was always a weak leader with his ‘merciful’ rule over the country. He never seemed to realise that in order for the peasants to do as you say, you have to abuse your power!
Tad: (To C. Pew) Hey, dude. I know I said this before, but you don’t seem like a religious person.
C. Pew: (Exasperated, to Tad) I’m NOT a religious person! I only decided ta become a cardinal because of the fashion! I didn’t know ya had ta give up everything in order ta become one!
Tad: Oh, right.C. Pew: I suppose that the bright side ta my predicament is that I’ll go ta Heaven no matter what I do…an’ I can learn all these cool Latin phrases like this one… He clears his throat. Ego iustus me cacas.
Tad: (Confused) What does that mean?
C. Pew: I have no idea…but it sounds epic, doesn’t it?
Sebastian cuts in between the pig and skunk, looking at his modern wrist watch.
Sebastian: (To C. Pew and Tad)And speaking of epic, I believe it’s time for my coronation!
C. Pew: (Sadistically) And it’s also time to bring the existences of the princess and the pauper to an end. (To Sebastian) Why don’t we put your crowning on hold in order to witness the guillotine slash off their heads?
Tad: Uhh, dude. I don’t think that’s a good idea. (To Sebastian) We’ve waited until the climax for you ta officially take the throne. Suppose they escape an’ disrupt the coronation?
Sebastian: (To Tad, dismissively) Don’t be more stupid than you usually are. There’s no way that our decision will backfire. Besides, King Pepe will be executed shortly after them, so I’ll be in charge anyway! He looks around the throne room. It is completely empty. (To C. Pew) Where are the peasants?! Is nobody going to witness this glorious event in our history?!
C. Pew: (Chuckles nervously, to Sebastian) Uhh, ya executed a majority of ‘em.
Sebastian: (In frustration) Damn, so I did!
C. Pew: Besides, there’s gonna be a killing today. More people will want ta see that.
Sebastian: (To C. Pew) I’ve made a new law: anybody who fails to attend my coronation shall die. How’s that?
C. Pew: (Unsettled) Diabolical. (Concerned) If this keeps up, there’ll be no more peasants to oppress!
Sebastian: Which means that I can rule the country in peace.
Tad: (To Sebastian) What do me and Pew do if there aren’t any peasants to oppress?
Sebastian: (Casually) I suppose you’ll have to be my new slaves.
Tad: Ohhh… Cool!
The camera cuts back to the dungeons. Hamton and Fifi are still cuddling each other, awaiting their fate. Suddenly, they hear the jangle of keys from offscreen. Then, we hear a rusty creaking and the camera cuts to Junior opening the cell door.
Junior: (To Hamton and Fifi) Duuuh, it’s time for you to die now!
Instead of fighting back, the pig and skunkette get to their feet. They leave their cell and follow Junior through the dungeon corridor. We see Shirley in a cell. As the three toons pass it, she reacts in horror in seeing Fifi and Hamton being escorted to the guillotine. She rushes to the bars of her cell.
Shirley: (Horrified) Like, Fifi, Hamton, NO! You guys totally can’t die! Th-The prophecy! It can’t be wrong! Please tell me you ain’t givin’ up!
Junior: (To Shirley) Duuuh, shut your pie-hole, witch! You and the janitor are next after these two…I think…
He continues to march the pig and skunkette to the execution. Shirley, in desperation, turns to Plucky, who is locked up in the cell opposite hers.
Shirley: (Frantic, to Plucky) Like, Plucky, do something, PLEASE!!
Plucky shakes his head and looks sorrowfully at her.
Plucky: (Regretfully, to Shirley) What can I do, Shirl? I’m the sidekick. Maybe the prophecy has a twist in which the hero sacrifices himself ta save the country. Anyway, you heard ‘em singing. They’ve accepted that they’re gonna die. We tried ta save France an’ we failed. Why don’t ya take a leaf outta their book an’ recognize that?
He turns and sits in the foetal position in the corner of his cell. The blonde loon puts a hand to her mouth, fearing for her friend’s lives. Suddenly, we hear Pepe’s voice coming from another cell.
Pepe: (Offscreen) Vous know…ah think zat Sebastian eez un trés corrupt lord.
Shirley looks at the camera in exasperation.
The dreaded guillotine stands in the town square. A crowd of toons have gathered to watch the execution. A majority of them were guests whom we saw at the OJ party. Some of them have popcorn and soda, and we see some occasional camera flashes.
Junior marches Fifi and Hamton through the palace grounds towards the execution site. Hamton looks at the deadly device. He swallows hard with fear. Fifi takes his hand, which calms him down slightly. The skunkette looks like she is trying valiantly not to cry. The guard and the prisoners walk through the crowd of toons. Everybody looks at the condemned pig and skunkette. Suddenly, Hamton hears a plaintive scream which makes him stop dead.
Winnie: (Offscreen) MY BABY!!
Hamton: (Shocked) M-Mom?!
Winnie pushes her way through the crowd, closely followed by Wade. Junior stops the death march so that the parents can say their goodbyes.
Winnie: (Tearfully) Hamton…this can’t be real, dear! (To Fifi, bowing) Good morning, your highness.
Wade: (To Hamton, sorrowful) For cripes sake, son, ya weren’t supposed ta go this way!
Hamton: (Tearfully) Yeah, I…I know, Dad. I-I’m sorry. B-But look! I-I finally met the princess! He puts an arm around
Fifi. I-It turns out ya d-don’t hafta be a prince for her to love you!
Fifi: (To Wade and Winnie, tearfully) Monsieur et Madame Pig… ah shall tell vous zis. Your son eez ze bravest hero ah ‘ave ever met. ‘E ‘as done vous proud.
Wade: (To Fifi, in tears) We know, your highness…we know. He pats Hamton on the back. (To Hamton) We love you, son.
Winnie: (Sobbing, to Hamton) We’re j-just glad that you w-were able to overcome your s-shyness and m-meet the one you loved…before you…you… She wails with inconsolable grief and buries herself into Wade’s shoulder.
Wade: (Sniffs) Goodbye son…and your highness…
They trudge away, back into the crowd. Hamton closes his eyes tightly, a teardrop trickling down his cheek. He turns to Fifi, who is also crying softly.
Hamton: (Sniffles) Sorry you met my parents in that way. I-I’m sure they would’ve liked you…and it wouldn’t have been because you’re a princess.
Fifi: (Weeps) Tu do not ‘ave to tell moi zat, mon cher.
Junior: Duuuh, let’s get moving!
They continue moving through the crowd. Everybody continues to stare as Fifi and Hamton are marched up the wooden stairs and onto the platform where the guillotine is. As they stand before the crowd, Junior turns and walks back to the palace.
The Executioner, who is wearing a long black cloak, turns to face them. He speaks in the mannerisms of a waiter at a fancy restaurant.
Executioner: (To Hamton and Fifi) Hello. I’m the Executioner and I’ll be ending your lives today. He gestures to the guillotine. The two of you are very lucky. Unlike the others, you’ll be able to see the blade without the blood stains on it. (To the crowd) Before we execute these traitors to the crown, I have been given a message by King Sebastian.
He takes out a piece of parchment.
Executioner: He says… (Clears his throat) “I suggest that those of you who have come to witness the deaths of these four turncoats allow their executions to be a warning to you. If any of you dare to conspire against me…or associate yourselves with those of higher status than you, the same thing will happen to you.” (To the crowd) His words, not mine.
As he puts the parchment away, the crowd murmurs with a mixture of worry and dismay.
Executioner: (To Hamton and Fifi) Now then, who wants to die first?
Hamton: (To Executioner) Wait… I-is it okay if I say something before we die…and make one last request?
Executioner: (Ponders) Uh… Well, it’s not part of the rules, but…I guess so. (Warningly) You can’t request your freedom, though!
Hamton: (To Executioner) Oh, don’t worry, I won’t. I just wanna make a speech, that’s all.
Executioner: (Sighs in annoyance) Alright, proceed.
Hamton walks to the front of the stand. Fifi watches him, wondering what the pig will say. The crowd all stare up at the condemned porcine.
Hamton: (To the crowd) Y’know when Sebastian said that anybody who tries to make friends with people of higher statuses would die? Well…that’s NOT the proper attitude for a king to have. A king should be kind, caring and noble. Sebastian is none of these things. The reason we left Paris was so that we could find the real king and he could set things right…and we failed. But with that said, I learned something on my journey to England. It was that it doesn’t matter whether you’re a peasant or a member of the Royal family. We’re all citizens of France. It’s a bit like tubas and harps. Nobody thinks that they go well together…but they could do if we gave them the chance.
Fifi smiles as she hears Hamton say what she had told him in their hotel room.
Hamton: (To the crowd) We shouldn’t be treated any different from each other. If we did that, we’d all end up like Sebastian…selfish, cruel and evil. Unfortunately, he’s gonna take over all of France…and frankly, I’m glad that I won’t be alive to see what the country will become under his power.
He turns and takes Fifi’s hand, bringing her to the front with him.
Hamton: (To the crowd) I remember Sebastian telling me that Fifi would never love a peasant…but he was wrong. When I agreed to go with her on this crazy trip to find her father, I had no idea I’d get to know such a kind, loving young lady. I…I love her. And she loves me. It’s true that we’re both gonna die…but we’ll be immortalised in legend. We’ll be living proof that princesses and peasants can be together…just like tubas and harps.
The crowd, especially Wade and Winnie, are incredibly touched by Hamton’s speech. The camera cuts to Cosgrove.
Cosgrove: (To the camera) I’m weeping on the inside.
Hamton turns to Fifi and takes her hand.
Hamton: (To Fifi) Fifi…would you grant my request? Will…will you spray me with your scent of love…for the last time?
Fifi’s eyes widen. She grins at the pig as if she knows he has a plan to escape.
Fifi: Oui, Hamtone…ah shall. (She winks)
The camera cuts to the Executioner, who scratches his head in confusion.
Executioner: (To the camera) That’s the strangest final request I’ve ever heard. I suppose death stinks.
The camera cuts back to Fifi. She turns around and lifts up her tail at Hamton. The pig stands there and closes his eyes in anticipation. The crowd stares in wonderment as a cloud of green musk emits from Fifi’s tail. It hits Hamton like a car, and the pig is nearly knocked over by it.
As soon as he is engulfed by the smelly cloud, Hamton grins stupidly and begins to smell the musk in ecstasy. The camera cuts to Hugh and Jean, who cover Jake’s eyes.
It cuts back to Hamton, who appears to have smelled all of the musk. He turns to the Executioner.
Hamton: (Blissfully, to Executioner) I’ll go first!
Executioner: (To the camera) Finally. (To Hamton) Okay, pal, make your way to the spot under the blade.
Hamton literally floats over to the guillotine and lies down on his belly under the blade. Fifi watches him, anticipating what is going to happen. The Executioner walks over to the lever that will release the blade.
Executioner: (Lazily) One down…five to go.
He pulls the lever and the blade begins to fall. Everything seems to run in slow motion as the camera zooms in on Hamton’s blissful expression. We enter his subconscious for the final time. We see his memories with Fifi. The song “Days” by The Kinks begins to play as we see Fifi and Hamton dancing together at the OJ party, surfing on the shield through the palace and swimming underwater together.
The final flashback is that of the pig and skunkette embracing on the outskirts of Paris…The flashback and song abruptly end with a loud CLANK!! The crowd gasps! Hamton is…STILL ALIVE?! The camera pans out to reveal that the blade had landed on the pig’s armour, making a long groove in it, but not decapitating him at all.
Executioner: (Exasperated) Oh, for cryin’ out loud! He brings the blade back up. (To the crowd) Sorry about that, folks. The execution will have to be delayed for a while.
Abruptly, Hamton jumps to his feet. Fifi smiles excitedly.
Hamton: (Blissfully, to the Executioner) Correction: the execution has been cancelled.
He punches the Executioner, sending him flying into the wall, instantly knocking him out. Fifi rushes up to the pig and embraces him.
Fifi: (Joyously) Oh, Hamtone, ah knew tu would not give up!
Hamton: (Blissfully) No, Fifi. Fleche De Lard NEVER gives up! Now, let us go away…ON OUR HONEYMOON! (Beat) But first, let’s save all of France.
Brandishing his dented sword, he takes Fifi’s hand and they leap off the stand. The crowd cheers as they land neatly on their feet and rush towards the palace to confront Sebastian.
Shirley sits dejectedly in her cell, awaiting her fate. She hears the cheering, and assumes that Fifi and Hamton are now dead. A tear rolls down her cheek as she assumes that she and Plucky are next. As if to confirm her assumptions, Junior comes back into the dungeon.
Junior: (To Plucky and Shirley) Duuuh, I reckon that the pig and skunkette are dead now, so it’s your turn!
He takes out his keys and unlocks Plucky’s cell door.
Plucky: (To Junior) Wait! Before you take us to the guy who’ll bring our existences to an end…can I just say that…uh…it’s an honour to meet you: Junior Bear of the Three Bears, the stars of the darkest Looney Tunes shorts ever made.
Junior: (To Plucky, flattered) Duuuh, thanks!
Shirley’s sorrow turns into confusion as she wonders what the green duck is doing. He briefly looks at her and shows her a sign which says “Use your witch abilities to steal this oaf’s keys while I keep him occupied”.
She nods in understanding.
Plucky: (To Junior) As an actor, myself, I do a lotta research. After my analysis of you and your family, I can make one theory about you. You’re not really a baby. You are, in fact, a fully matured bear.
Junior: (Shocked) Duuuh, what?!
He is so shocked by the green duck’s revelation, that he doesn’t feel the keys brush against him as Shirley tries to levitate them out of his pocket.
Plucky: (To Junior) That’s right. You ain’t some freakishly huge cub. Your babyish tendencies were caused by your father’s abuse and your mother’s constant apathy. You were so traumatised, that the mind of an infant was indelibly stamped onto your psyche. (To the camera) But, hey, it’s just a theory: A TOON THEORY!
Junior: (To Plucky) Duuuh, that sounds like something off of one of those stories…uh… ScarySpaghettis, I think they’re called…
Shirley levitates the keys out of the bear’s pocket and reaches out to grab them. The green duck grins at this, before continuing to talk to the guard.
Plucky: (To Junior) Nope. It’s a theory. One thing it has in common with those stories is that it ruins people’s childhoods with its gritty realism. (To the camera) And they’re pretty dumb anyway.
As Shirley unlocks her cell door with the key, Junior hears the lock clanking. Plucky swallows hard.
Junior: Duuuh, what was that?
Plucky: (Nervously, to Junior) It was…uh…your brain!
Junior: (Confused) What’s a brain?
Shirley sneaks up behind Junior, cracking her knuckles. She pulls back a fist, but the camera abruptly cuts to the throne room.
A grand fanfare plays…on a radio. Tad is the only toon watching as Sebastian stands before C. Pew. The skunk begins to speak.
C. Pew: Dearly beloved…we are gathered here today to join this…
Sebastian: (Interrupting, angry) I’m being crowned, you idiot!
C. Pew: (Shocked) What?! He takes out a book and reads from it. (To Sebastian) Sorry about that. (Clears his throat) Ashes to ashes…dust to dust…
Sebastian: (Angry) This is what happens when we DON’T rehearse!
C. Pew: (Angry) You can’t just rehearse becoming king! What d’ya think this is, a movie?!
Tad: Well, actually…
C. Pew: (To Tad) SHUT UP!! I know we’re in a movie!!
Tad: (To C. Pew) That’s kinda what I’m worried about. The sooner we get the coronation over with, the better.
Sebastian: (To Tad, furious) What?! You wanna rush my finest hour?!
Tad: Uhh, yeah.
Sebastian: (Livid, to Tad) I’ll have you executed for saying that!!
C. Pew: Well, uh, actually, you’re not officially the king yet, so despite the fact you’ve executed lotsa people, you…don’t have the power to kill them yet.
Sebastian: (Frustrated, to C. Pew) Then hurry up…AND CROWN ME!!
C. Pew: Alright, alright, keep whatever’s left of your hair on! He looks at his book once again. Err… blah, blah, blah… I now CROWN you!
Sebastian closes his eyes and grins smugly, expecting C. Pew to place the crown on his head. After a beat, he opens his eyes. Nothing has happened.
Sebastian: (Angry, to C. Pew) Where’s my crown?!
C. Pew: (Nervously) I…uh…I-I can’t find it…
Sebastian: WHAT??!! He rounds on Tad. WHERE’S THE CROWN?!
Tad: (Defensively) Don’t look at me, dude, I’m only in charge of the costume!
Sebastian buries his head in his hands and squeals furiously. He stamps his feet and tears his robes.
Tad: (Angry) Hey, I spent five hours working on…
Sebastian: (Furious, interrupting) FOR GOD’S SAKE!!
C. Pew: Don’t say the lord’s name in vain!
Sebastian: (Furious, interrupting) THIS IS SUPPOSED TA BE MY BIG DAY!! MY OWN SPECIAL MOMENT!! AND YOU JOKERS HAFTA RUIN EVERYTHING!!
C. Pew: Take it easy, it’s only a crown.
Sebastian: (Furious) WITHOUT THAT CROWN, I CAN’T RULE ALL OF FRANCE, YA SAID SO YOURSELF!!
C. Pew: Oh, yeah, I did, didn’t I…
The camera cuts to Fifi and Hamton running through the palace corridors.
Fifi: Ah ‘ope zat Sebastian eez not ze king yet!
Hamton: (Blissfully) The only king he’ll be is the king of big fat ugly warthogs who denies our beautiful relationship!
They round a corner…and collide with Plucky and Shirley. All four of them fall to the ground. The blow snaps Hamton out of his trance. As stars circle their heads, they notice each other.
Shirley: (Ecstatic) Like, Hamton! Fifi! Yer totally alive! The four of them leap to their feet and embrace each other.
Hamton: We did give up… He wraps an arm around Fifi. But then we changed our minds… but how did ya escape the guard?
Plucky: Well, Shirley did something that knocked him down. I nudged him and nudged him, but he wouldn’t move…I think he stopped breathing as well.
Shirley: (Praising, to Plucky) But I totally couldn’t have done it if Plucky hadn’t distracted him so that I could steal the keys!
Fifi: (Concerned) Wait! Where eez mon pére?
Plucky: (To Fifi) We unlocked his cell… but, his girlfriend told us ta leave. She…uh…hadn’t finished yet. (To Hamton) Uh…Hamton…He rubs the back of his head. I’d like to apologise for sayin’ the prophecy was a lie…an’ nearly messin’ up you an’ Fifi’s relationship.
Hamton: (Touched, to Plucky) It’s alright, Plucky. Thank you for sayin’ yer sorry.
Plucky: (To Hamton) No problem… but right now, France needs Fleche De Lard!
Fifi: (To Hamton) Oui, zat eez right! Let us go et defeat zat lord!
Hamton: (Confidently) Yeah… let’s defeat him…together! They run offscreen to confront the evil lord.
Sebastian has gone red in the face with fury. C. Pew and Tad are frantically searching the throne room for the missing crown. It is obvious that the coronation isn’t going down very well. Finally…
Tad: (Ecstatic) Dudes! I found it! He runs up to C. Pew with the crown in his hands. It was in the place none of us bothered to look in: where it’s usually kept!
Sebastian: (Hastily) Finally! (To C. Pew) Get on with the ceremony, all this anger’s makin’ me feel funny…
C. Pew rushes up to him with the crown. He takes out some polish and a rag and cleans it.
Sebastian: (Furiously) GET ON WITH IT!!
C. Pew: Blah, blah, blah… I now CROWN you!
Sebastian closes his eyes as the cardinal begins to lower the crown. Tad takes out a camera phone and takes a picture of the lord, before saluting. Just as the crown is about to touch the warthog’s head… the doors crash open.
Sebastian’s eyes snap open and he wheels round. His jaw hits the floor and his eyes pop out of their sockets.
Sebastian: (Screams furiously) YOU?!
The camera cuts to Hamton, Fifi, Plucky and Shirley standing in the doorway of the throne room.
Hamton: (To Sebastian) There’ll be no coronation today…especially for phony kings!
Tad: (Bored, to Sebastian) I told ya so…
The quartet begin to advance on the furious lord.
Fifi: (To Sebastian) Ah suggest zat vous give up, Sebastian! Vous will never win!
Hamton: (To Sebastian) You’ve made a terrible mess of the country, Sebastian…and it’s my job to clean it up!
Sebastian twists and contorts as his fists shake and his eyes turn red (probably from burst blood vessels). He bares his teeth and squeals angrily, stamping his feet and tearing more of his robes.
Robotic Female Voice: Villainous Breakdown imminent in 5…4…3…2…
Abruptly, Sebastian clutches his heart and turns incredibly pale. He begins to choke and gasp for air as he drops to his knees. C. Pew, Tad and even the quartet are shocked by this! The warthog wheezes as he lies down on the floor, his eyes rolling back as he goes incredibly still.
Plucky: (Shocked) Whoa…he’s gone!
Hamton walks over to Sebastian’s body and examines it for a beat. C. Pew and Tad look incredibly nervous now that their boss has supposedly died.
Shirley: Like, that’s what happens when ya get too angry or some junk!
Fifi: (To C. Pew and Tad) Mon pére shall deal avec ze both of vous! Vous shall pay pour ze things zat vous ‘ave done!
As Hamton turns to face the cowering pig and skunk, the camera pans down to Sebastian’s face. His eyes snap open.
Hamton: (To Fifi) What about this fat tub of- Sebastian’s hand appears from offscreen and grabs him by his cape. ACK!
Fifi, Plucky and Shirley turn around in shock. The faces of the duke and cardinal turn from fear to mocking happiness. The camera cuts to a furious Sebastian, his huge hand clamped onto Hamton’s red cape. He snorts angrily, steam emitting from his snout. The pig struggles to get free.
Female Robotic Voice: …1…
Sebastian: (Furiously) I hate peasants… ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY RUIN ALL OF MY PLANS TA TAKE THE THRONE!!
Plucky: (To Sebastian, angry) Hey, let him go, ya jerk! You’ve lost! Give it up!
Sebastian: If I’ve lost, at least killing this insolent peon will be my only consolation!
He turns and begins to stomp away, taking Hamton with him. Fifi suddenly rushes towards him and jumps onto his back.
Fifi: NON!! AH FORBID VOUS TO KILL ‘IM!!
She begins punching Sebastian’s sides in an effort for him to release Hamton. Suddenly, C. Pew grabs her and pulls her off of Sebastian.
C. Pew: (Wickedly, to Fifi) That’s not proper behaviour for a princess!
Fifi: (Furiously, to C. Pew) LET GO OF MOI!! HAMTONE!!
She elbows C. Pew in the chest. As he recoils, she tries to run after Sebastian, but the cardinal recovers and grabs her by the tail. Sebastian opens a door in the corner of the throne room and disappears through it with Hamton. Tad and Shirley watch as Fifi tries to pull her tail out of C. Pew’s hands.
Shirley: (To Tad) So, like, I guess this is the climax: three one-on-one battles. So, like, I guess I’m fightin’ you.
Tad: (To Shirley) Yep. He cracks his knuckles. Since you’re a girl, I’ll go easy on ya.
Shirley: (To the camera) Like, shall I give it to him?
Electricity crackles in her hands. The camera cuts to Plucky.
Plucky: (To the camera, smugly) Well, ya heard her. Three one-on-one battles. I guess I’ll hafta sit this one out.
He smiles complacently. Suddenly, we hear a chainsaw roaring into life. The green duck’s eyes snap open as the camera pans out to reveal that Mr Hitcher is standing behind him with his chainsaw.
Plucky: (To the camera, disgruntled) Oh, come on!
The camera cuts to Sebastian stomping up a staircase whilst Hamton struggles to free himself.
Hamton: (As he struggles) Where’re you taking me?!
Sebastian: (Deadly calm) To your death.
Hamton: You won’t get away with this, y’know!
Sebastian suddenly stops ascending the stone stairs to glare at Hamton.
Sebastian: (Bellows, to Hamton) WILL YA STOP REMININDING ME?! At least I’ll be able ta do what that incompetent assassin an’ those sea-faring fools couldn’t!
He continues to climb. As he rants, Hamton fishes in his armour and pulls out his sword.
Sebastian: I gotta say, you’re a bigger pain in the neck than the princess. But you’re no hero! In fact, you’re makin’ no effort to escape! (Sarcastically) I guess you could cut me with a sword or something!
Hamton slashes his sword, cutting Sebastian’s wrist.
Sebastian: (In pain) AAAAGGGHHH!! He drops Hamton and clutches his wrist, watching as blood trickles down his arm. (Livid, to Hamton) WHAT DID YA DO THAT FOR?!
Hamton: (Sheepishly) In my defence…ya told me ta cut you. He points his sword at the warthog. The jig is up! I’m afraid you’re late!
Sebastian: What for?!
Hamton: Late as in the Late Lord Sebastian!
Sebastian takes off his hat and pulls out his dagger, pointing it at Hamton.
Hamton: (Confused) Uhh, I can’t believe I’m sayin’ this, but…don’t I have an unfair advantage?
Sebastian takes a deep breath and blows into the hilt. It grows until it morphs into a sword as big as Hamton’s.
Hamton: You’ve made your point… He giggles before controlling himself. Nevertheless, it’s time for a fight to the death: Piggo e Warthoggo, or Heroicus Piggus vs. Fattus Warthoggus. He points his sword at Sebastian. EN GARDE!
Sebastian swings his sword at the pig. Hamton leaps into the air, somersaults over the warthog and stabs him in the rear. Sebastian squeals in pain, before wheeling round and swinging his sword once more. This time, Hamton parries it. Sebastian goes red in the face in fury and lunges. The camera cuts to C. Pew pounding his fists on the floor in pain as Fifi twists his legs.
C. Pew: (Sobbing) YOU’LL GO TO THE BAD PLACE FOR ASSAULTING A SKUNK OF THE CHURCH!! Fifi: (Angry) NON! Vous shall pour what vous ‘ave done!
She stamps on C. Pew’s back, sending his teeth flying out of his mouth. The skunk reaches out and puts them back into his mouth.
C. Pew: (Frantically, to Fifi) WAIT! I wanna tell ya something!
Fifi: (Suspicious) Eez eet where zat Sebastian eez taking Hamtone?
C. Pew: (In disgust) No! Fifi continues twisting his legs. AAGGHH!! WAIT, WAIT!! Fifi relents. I…I just wanna say…I love you.
Disgusted, Fifi slaps him across the face.
C. Pew: (Chagrined, to the camera) Just as stubborn as Lady Mae.
Fifi grabs him by his robes and pulls him offscreen for another beating. The camera cuts to Tad…who is punching himself in the face. Teeth fly from his mouth and his eyes blacken. Shirley sits in the lotus position, lazily waving her finger.
Shirley: Like, stop hittin’ yourself, stop hittin’ yourself, stop hittin’ yourself…
Tad: (Woozily) Whoa… OOF!! I’m… OW!! Such… OUCH!! A… OWIE!! POWERHOUSE!!
The camera cuts to Plucky, who is running for his life as Mr Hitcher chases him around the throne room, swinging his chainsaw.
Mr Hitcher: (Sings to the tune of “If you’re Happy and you know it”) I’m gonna splatter your parts all over the wall, doo-doo-doo, I’m gonna splatter your parts all over the wall, doo-doo-doo!
Plucky: (To Mr Hitcher) But I haven’t finished with my parts yet!!
The camera cuts to a bruised and battered C. Pew lying in a heap on the floor.
C. Pew: (Moans, to Fifi) Leave me alone…I want to die…
Fifi: (Sweetly, to C. Pew) Merci beaucoup! (To Shirley) Ah am going to ‘elp mon amour!
Her call breaks Shirley’s concentration. Tad stops punching himself. He is now able to control himself.
Shirley: (Shouts, to Fifi) Like, what was that?
Fifi has already disappeared through the door that Sebastian took Hamton through. Shirley scratches her head…
Abruptly, she is punched in the stomach by Tad. The blonde loon skids across the floor, clutching her belly. The muscular pig advances on her, laughing menacingly.
Shirley: (Groans, to Tad) Like, you TOTALLY hit a girl… Uncool!
Tad: (Cockily) Don’t worry, I’ll get over it.
He raises a fist to strike her once more. Suddenly, Plucky runs under his legs, followed by Mr Hitcher. The assassin swings his chainsaw…accidentally cutting off Tad’s head. It bounces like a football towards C. Pew. The skunk reacts in horror.
Tad: (To C. Pew) Is it just me or have ya gotten taller?
C. Pew: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Plucky stands protectively in front of Shirley as Mr Hitcher steps over Tad’s decapitated body, raising his chainsaw in the air. He slips on the blood leaking from the neck and stumbles over the two waterfowl. He tries to stay on his feet, but he falls down on C. Pew, slicing him in half.
Mr Hitcher lands on the chainsaw, squashing Tad’s head and severing his own body parts.
Plucky: (To the camera) Now, that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you DON’T run whilst carrying sharp objects. (To Shirley) You okay?
Shirley: (Awestruck) Like, Plucky…ya saved my life!
Plucky: (Confused) I did? (Confidently) Sure I did!
Shirley hugs the green duck and kisses him on the lips. Plucky stiffens like a board and gains a blissful expression.
Shirley: Say, Plucky? Can I ask ya something? What caused ya ta change yer mind back in the cell?
Plucky: I was gonna say that the script said so, but… I realised that perhaps I had kinda messed up back in part 8 an’ I coulda caused all of France ta fall under that galoot’s power by convincing Hamton ta leave Fifi. I wanted ta make it up to ‘em.
Shirley: (Warmly) Well, like, mission accomplished.
Plucky: (Chuckles) Besides, if the both of us AND Feef an’ Hammy were killed off, the fanbase would have a few choice words for the writer.
Shirley: (Giggles) That’s TOTALLY true.
Fifi runs up the staircase, praying that she is not too late. She climbs higher and higher, looking frantically around. Suddenly, she hears the swishing and clanging of swords.
Fifi: (Gasps) Hamtone?
She looks to see two shadows on the wall ahead of her. The shorter one is shaped like a pig, and the bigger one like a warthog.
Fifi: (Cries) HAMTONE!
She runs towards the shadows.Hamton is being forced onto his knees. He is holding his sword sideways in order to stop Sebastian from slicing him. The infuriated warthog forces his weight onto his sword, pushing the little pig further down.
Sebastian: (Enraged) WHY WON’T YOU DIE?!
Hamton: (Strains) Because…I’m…FLECHE DE LARD!!
With all his might, he shoves Sebastian off of him. The warthog falls over backwards and begins to fall down the stairs.
Fifi feels a rumbling noise. She suddenly sees Sebastian rolling head over heels down the stairs. She leaps into the air, dodging the obese boar as he tumbles past. She is ecstatic as she realises that Hamton must have defeated him!
The camera cuts to Hamton as he pants heavily, trying to comprehend the fact that he’s won.
Fifi: (Offscreen) HAMTONE!!
Hamton: (With mounting excitement) F-Fifi?
The camera cuts to Fifi rushing up the stairs towards him with open arms. Hamton smiles with joy and opens his arms. Fifi knocks him down as she wraps her arms, legs AND tail around him.
Fifi: (Tearful joy) Tu did eet! Tu saved all of France, tu really are un hero!
She kisses the pig’s face multiple times.
Hamton: I can’t forget you, Fifi! You saved all of France, too! W-We defeated Sebastian together!
Abruptly, a familiar hand grabs Fifi and pulls her off of Hamton. The pig reacts in horror as he sees a bruised and bloodied Sebastian holding Fifi by her tail.
Sebastian: (Angry) Yes… but YOU haven’t defeated me yet!!
Fifi: (Struggles, to Sebastian) Non! Put moi down!
Hamton: (Brandishes his sword, to Sebastian) Put her down, Sebastian! Take me instead!
Sebastian grabs him by the cape with his other hand. Hamton drops his sword and it clatters away downstairs.
Sebastian: (Deadly calm) I’ve a better idea…how about I take you BOTH!
He begins to stomp up the stairs, taking Fifi and Hamton with him. As the pig and skunkette struggle under his vise-like grip, he reaches the top, and opens a door to cross out onto a balcony on the highest part of the palace.
Sebastian: (To Fifi and Hamton) The two of you have cheated death for too long! But you can’t possibly be invincible!
He holds them over the side of the balcony and we get a view of the ground thousands of feet below them.
Sebastian: (Sadistically) Let’s see how you enjoy skydiving…WITHOUT PARACHUTES!!
Suddenly, Hamton spins around to face him with a can of disinfectant in his hand. He shakes it vigorously…before spraying it in the warthog’s eyes.
Sebastian: (In agony) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
He throws Fifi to one side, where she lands on the balcony. The warthog puts his free hand to his sizzling eyes, screaming in pain. He staggers backwards and falls over the balcony, shrieking as he plummets to his doom.
Fifi looks up and realises that she is alone on the balcony. Frantically, she looks around for a sign of Hamton.
Fifi: (Screams) HAMTONE?! HAMTONE, WHERE ARE TU?!
She gets to her feet and runs to the balcony’s edge to look down. We can only hear the sounds of the wind blowing.
Suddenly, Plucky and Shirley run up the stairs and onto the balcony, looking ecstatic.
Plucky: (Congratulating) YA DID IT! YA BEAT LORD SEBASTIAN!!
Shirley: (Looking around) Like, where’s Hamton?
Fifi doesn’t reply. She is still looking for Hamton. She suddenly realises that the pig was still in Sebastian’s grasp when he fell off the balcony. Her eyes begin to well with tears as she realises that Hamton has sacrificed himself to save her…
Fifi: (Sobs) Hamtone…eez not returning… ‘E died saving moi…et France.
Shirley puts a hand to her mouth in shock as the skunkette crosses over to them, continuing to cry. Plucky stares at the place where Hamton fell in disbelief. He can’t believe it…his friend is really gone!
Shirley: (Tearfully) Like, th-this can’t be! The prophecy didn’t say anything about Fleche De Lard dying!
She hugs Fifi sorrowfully.
Hamton: (Offscreen) Uhh…It didn’t!
Fifi, Plucky and Shirley all do a double take in shock. They rush to the edge of the balcony. The camera cuts to Hamton as he dangles from a torch holder by his cape below them.
Hamton: Err, heh-heh, can ya give me a little hand? I dunno how long this cape is gonna hold…
His cape is slowly tearing.
Fifi: (Tearfully ecstatic) HAMTONE!!
She dangles her long tail down to Hamton like a fishing line.
Fifi: (Happily) How-you-say, grab on!
Hamton gratefully does, and Fifi slowly lifts him back up to the balcony. The pig grabs the edges and hauls himself up.
Hamton: Th-Thanks, I- OOF!
He is interrupted as Fifi suddenly embraces him once again, wrapping her arms, legs and tail around him.
Fifi: Oh, Hamtone! Tu are alive!
She kisses him happily.
Plucky: (Playfully, to Hamton) Hey, pal! Ya had us worried for a moment!
He pats the pig on the head.
Shirley: (Overjoyed) Like, we did it! We saved the king and all of France!
Pepe: (Offscreen) Oui, zat vous did!
The quartet turns to see Pepe and Penelope walking up to them.
Penelope: (Congratulating) You all did a smashing job! Champion!
Pepe: Oui! (To Hamton) Ah would like to thank vous especially, pour saving mon kingdom from zat treacherous lord…et pour giving mon daughter un garcon zat she truly loves.
Hamton: (Shyly) Oh, think nothing of it, your highness…
Fifi: (To Pepe) Father…can ah marry Hamtone?
Pepe’s face suddenly falls.
Pepe: (Sadly) Ah am afraid zat vous cannot, mon cher…
H&F: (Shocked) WHAT?!
Pepe: ‘E eez not of royal blood. (Muses) Though ‘e ‘as saved mon kingdom…zat eez un incredible feat…
He ponders for a beat, before something comes to him.
Pepe: (Cheerfully) Ah could raise ‘is status though, so zat ‘e could marry you.
Hamton: (Amazed) R-Raise my status?! Wh-what to?
Pepe: (To Hamton) Tu will see.
Penelope: (To Pepe) Here ya go, luvvie.
She hands Pepe the dented sword that Hamton had been using. Both Fifi’s and Hamton’s eyes widen in awe, when suddenly…
Hamton: (To Pepe) C-Could I just borrow that, your highness?
Pepe hands him the sword. Taking out some polish and a rag, Hamton scrubs it vigorously until it shines beautifully. There ya go. He hands it back to Pepe.
Pepe: (Warmly) Please kneel.
Hamton obediently does so. Pepe gently taps each shoulder with the sword.
Pepe: As un reward pour your unspeakable courage et incroyable heroism, ah, King Pepe, dub thee… Sir Hamtone Ze Prudent.
Fifi smiles tearfully as she watches her father give her true love a grand status. Hamton stands up, blown away by his newfound knighthood.
Pepe: (To Hamton) Now zat tu are un sir, ze princess shall marry tu if she wishes to. (To Fifi) What do tu say, ma cher? Do tu wish to marry ‘im?
Fifi: (To Hamton, seductively) Ah believe zat ‘e already knows ze answer…
She jumps Hamton and they fall offscreen as love hearts fly through the air.
Shirley: (To Plucky) Like, does this mean the movie’s over, or some junk?
Plucky: (To Shirley) Not yet… (To the camera) It’s time for the FINALE SONG!
We cut to the throne room. It is no longer stained with blood. Instead, there are white banners everywhere and rose petals on the floor. There are pews with several familiar toons sitting on them. Hamton and Fifi stand before the throne. Hamton is wearing his blue tuxedo and pants, while Fifi wears her Amazing Three outfit.
Plucky is Hamton’s best man, and he now has a badge which says “ROYAL COURT JESTER” on his suit. Shirley is Fifi’s bridesmaid, and she is wearing her Amazing Three outfit as well.
We can see that Dan is the priest conducting the ceremony.A grand fanfare begins to play as the wedding begins.
# All You Need Is Love (Instrumental) – The Beatles
Toons: (In chorus) Love, love, love… Love, love, love… Love, love, love…
Hamton: (Sings, to Fifi) There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done… Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung… Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game…it’s easy!
He puts a beautiful ring with a purple gem on it on Fifi’s finger
Fifi: (Sings, to Hamton) Zere’s nothing tu can make zat can’t be made… No one tu can save zat can’t be saved… Nothing tu can do but tu can learn how to be tu in time…c’est easy!
She puts a handsome ring with a blue gem on it on Hamton’s finger.
Dan: (To the camera) Didn’t know I was a priest, did you? Well, I’m not. (To everybody) It’s PUB KARAOKE TIME!
Everybody: (Sings) All you need is love! All you need is love! All you need is love, love!
H&F: (Both Sing) Love is all you need…
Fifi throws the bouquet…and Shirley catches it. She looks alluringly at Plucky, who winks at the camera.
The camera cuts to ballroom of Le Vraiment, Vraiment Riche Hôtel where the reception is being held. There is a banner saying “CONGRATULATIONS TO THE NEWLY-WEDS: PRINCE HAMTON & PRINCESS FIFI!”
We can see Wade and Winnie, who are now royal in-laws, talking to Pepe and Penelope. Hugh and Drew are joyfully handing out glasses of OJ to the guests, including Furball, who appears from a nearby grate.
Fifi and Hamton dance alone on the dance floor while everybody, from Mary to Minerva and from Jean to Freakazoid, claps for them and sways to the beat.
We see Shirley and Plucky wandering in from outside. The green duck’s face is covered in lipstick.
Everybody: (Sings) All you need is love! All you need is love! All you need is love, love! Love is all you need!
P&S: (Both sing) There’s nothing you can know that isn’t known… Nothing you can see that isn’t shown… Nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be…it’s easy!
Hamton and Fifi are approached by Porky and Petunia. The pigs are both carrying huge presents. Fifi and Hamton unwrap them to reveal a tuba and a harp. With grateful joy, they embrace Porky and Petunia, before carrying their respective instruments offscreen.
Everybody: (Sings) All you need is love! All you need is love! All you need is love, love! Love is all you need! All you need is love!
Dan: All together now!
Everybody: (Sings) All you need is love!
Everybody: (Sings) All you need is love, love! Love is all you need!
Hamton: (Sings, to Fifi) Love is all you need…
Fifi: (Sings, to Hamton) Love eez all tu need…
Plucky: (Sings, to Shirley) Love is all you need…
Shirley: (Sings, to Plucky) Love is all you need…
Everybody: (Sings) Love is all you need… Love is all you need…
The camera pans out of the ballroom and into the twinkling night skies of Paris as the song begins to end. Suddenly, Hamton and Fifi pop up and dominate the screen.
Fifi: (To the camera) Au revoir, mon petit potato du couch!
Hamton: (To the camera) Th-Th-That’s All, Folks!
They turn to face each other…and embrace lovingly, kissing each other tenderly on the lips. Fireworks explode in the sky with pink and purple flashes. Love hearts fly around and one huge firework explodes, forming the words: