Welcome back to Part 2 of:
Fleche De Lard
The camera roves down a dark staircase which we can assume leads to the dungeons. We can hear water dripping, and see rats scurrying about as the darkness grows thicker and thicker. The Brain suddenly appears among the rats. He dominates the camera.
Brain: At last, I have your attention! By hijacking this movie, I shall rule the-
Before he can finish his monologue, he is suddenly crushed by a shoe which looks rather familiar. The camera pans upwards to reveal that the shoe belongs to Lord Sebastian, who is carrying a lantern and checking whether the coast is clear. He hurries down the staircase. We can hear Brain moaning monotonously in pain with every step.
Lord Sebastian reaches the bottom of the staircase. He scrapes the shoe that had stepped on Brain across the stony floor.
Brain: (As he’s being scraped across the floor, speaking monotonously) Pain…so much pain… But not as painful as that show we did with that red haired brat.
Sebastian: (Calling upstairs) Hurry up!
We hear frantic footsteps coming down the stairs. Suddenly, we hear crashing and shouting that echoes around the dungeon. After ten seconds, C. Pew and Tad roll into the light in a heap. They look up at the boar and grin sheepishly. Sebastian rolls his eyes and continues through the dungeon. The pig and skunk frantically get to their feet and follow him in order to prevent being left behind in the darkness. Sebastian holds his lantern up to a sign which says “VILLAIN CONFERENCE POINT”. He is shocked to see this.
Sebastian: What the-?! (To Tad and Pew) Who put this here?!
Tad: Uhhh, huh-huh. I did! We’ll know where ta confer now!
Lord Sebastian groans in frustration, and then sighs. There’s no time for a lecture. He proceeds to a door with a sign on it saying: “PASSWORD”. Below this word is “Here’s a clue: the password’s fish”. He rounds on Tad once more. The muscular pig just grins stupidly. The lord just unlocks the door, and the trio enters, shutting it behind them. Sebastian is about to speak, but C. Pew talks first. The only source of light is the lantern.
C. Pew: Okay, first of all, these dungeons need better lighting. The Health and Safety in the 17th Century is appalling!
Instead of replying, Sebastian just flicks a modern-day light switch to reveal that there is a skeleton in the corner of the cell and a corpse that is hung from the rafters above them, a noose wrapped around its rotting neck. Tad and C. Pew’s eyes widen in horror as the boar turns the light off.
C. Pew: (Beat) Never mind.
Sebastian: Right. (To Tad) Give me the status report on the king!
Tad: (Confused)What about the king?
Sebastian: (Growls in frustration) Where is the king, now?!
C. Pew: (Before Tad can say anything else) We have been informed that the king is about to board the Royal ship in Britain.
Tad: So does that mean his vacation’s over?
There is a beat as Sebastian and C. Pew just stare at him, before shaking their heads.
Sebastian: Darn. If he gets on that ship, my plan’ll be ruined! (To C. Pew) What d’you propose we do?
C. Pew: Well, I say we-
Tad: (Interrupting) We stop the king from gettin’ onto the Royal ship by providing a much better ship which isn’t much better because it’s run by pirates which we’ll hire. They capture the king and keep him from returnin’ ta Paris until we come ta finish him off!
Sebastian: (Beat) That’s a terrible idea. He takes off his tiny hat and scratches his head. I know! We stop the king from gettin’ onto the Royal ship by providing a much better ship which isn’t much better because it’s run by pirates which we’ll hire. They capture the king and keep him from returnin’ ta Paris until we come ta finish him off!
Tad: Great idea, boss-dude!
C. Pew: Yeah! (His expression suddenly darkens) What do we do about the princess?
Sebastian: (In disgust) Oh, yeah… HER. If we kill the king, she’ll immediately take the throne. He scratches his head again. I say, Pew…what was that thing ya said in Part 1?
C. Pew: Uhhhh… He squints at his script. I said: “Being a skunk of the church, I would find the idea of execution to be quite an inhumane approach to justice...” A rather sadistic grin suddenly crosses his face as he continues. “…If it wasn’t for my unrelenting lust for blood as it gushes from the stump of the decapitated head and stains the axe of the executioner! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA!!”
Sebastian: (Frustrated) No, no, before that!
C. Pew: Oh. He squints at his script. I said “without being married to a prince, how d’ya expect ta rule the country once the king pushes up daisies?”
Sebastian: (He snaps his fingers) THAT’S IT!! If the princess doesn’t find a suitor, she can’t take the throne. Since we’re part of the Royal Council, we’ll hafta take charge…and by we, I mean me!
Tad: Uhhhh, that doesn’t sound like it’s the law.
C. Pew: Ah, we’re villains! Whadda we care about the law?
Tad: Oh, right. But what about that janitor we hired this morning? He had a crush on the princess.
Sebastian: He won’t be a problem. Even if he does have a crush on the princess, she probably won’t return it. Only a prince can get the princess onto the throne, an’ he ain’t a prince! What can he do ta stop us? Spray disinfectant?
Tad: Well, actually, it hurts like hell when it gets in yer eye, an’-
Sebastian: Shut up. (To C. Pew) Right, you go an’ make arrangements. I’m gonna put the princess under house…uh…palace arrest!
C. Pew: That won’t be too hard: ya do that anyway!
Sebastian and C. Pew begin to laugh evilly, while Tad just watches them, genuinely confused as to why they’re laughing. Their laughter echoes around the dungeon, and then it’s abruptly interrupted by violent coughing.
The camera cuts to a cell which is being guarded by Snafu. He is cringing due to the really bad singing which is coming from the jail. A sign on the door says “THE EXECUTION CELL”.
Plucky: (Singing) Noooooooooobody knows… the trouble (Coughs) I’ve seeeeeen! (He stops singing) No, no, I’ll try another song. (He clears his throat and begins to sing) It’s Friday, Friday-
Snafu suddenly rounds on the cell door and thrusts his face at the bars.
Snafu: (Screaming) SHADDAP!!
The camera cuts to the interior of the cell. Plucky is sat there, his arms folded indignantly in response to this rude demand.
Plucky: PHILISTINE! Don’t you know who I am?!
Snafu: Uuuuuuuhhh…a janitor?
Plucky: (To the camera) This running gag had better start walkin’! (To Snafu) I’m an actor! I was actin’! Didn’t that fat boar understand that?!
Snafu: HEY! Dat’s Lord Sebastian yer talkin’ about! It’s a serious offence ta speak ill ‘o’ da Royal Council!
Plucky: Oh, I get it. We’re not allowed to have an opinion!
Snafu: Exactly! Now, keep quiet. Yer gonna die in the morning, so ya won’t be in dis cell forever!
Plucky’s eyes well up with tears as he hears this statement. The camera begins to pan away from him. Plucky’s tearful expression suddenly turns to anger.
Plucky: (Indignantly at the camera) Hey! Where’re ya goin’?! I’m puttin’ on an Oscar-worthy crying-scene and you think you can just-
The camera abruptly cuts to Hamton. He is covered in dirt and is scrubbing the palace floor with a soapy sponge. He stops and mops his brow. The camera pans across the corridor that he is cleaning.
Hamton: (Sighs) Filth, mess, muck and dust as far as the eye can see. Then again, at least I’m the pig who’s gonna clean it all up! He takes out a map of the palace and studies it. Okay…I’ve done the dungeons, the kitchens, the throne room and some of the rooms that hardly anobody goes into. He suddenly looks at the camera, then at the map. (To the camera) Where did I get this map, you may ask? I…uh…got it during the intermission.
The camera cuts to see a view of the map, with Hamton’s finger tracing it.
Hamton: Now, let’s see…I hafta do the highest part of the castle…that’s where the royal chambers are…We see his finger freeze on the drawing of one of the towers. Th-Th-Th-That’s where the princess sleeps! His eyes become love hearts and he hugs the map to himself. Ohhh!
Suddenly, we hear Sebastian’s ominous warning echoing. Hamton’s expression immediately changes into wide-eyed fear.
Sebastian: (His voice echoing) If we catch you in even the same area as the princess, you’ll find yourself at the guillotine…guillotine…guillotine…guillotine…guillotine…
Hamton’s expression changes from fear to annoyance as he reaches offscreen and carries a record player that is obviously broken. Sebastian’s voice is coming from it. As Hamton does this, the word “Guillotine” is constantly repeated until he whacks it with a mallet.
Record: (The voice gets slower as it malfunctions) Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer dooooooo…
Hamton throws it offscreen. He becomes worried again, tapping his snout. He wants to go up to Fifi’s chamber, but he is considering Sebastian’s words. Finally, he makes a decision.
Hamton: The dungeons need cleaning, I almost forgot!
He picks up his sponge and water bucket and hurries offscreen, leaving the map behind. The map zooms in on the drawing of the princess’s chamber. The camera then cuts to the real tower. It zooms in on the huge window. Fifi is lying on her enormous four-poster bed, staring serenely up at the night sky. Shirley is sat at the makeup table, putting some red nail varnish on her fingernails.
Shirley: So, like, Fifi. What did ya think of those new workers? (Beat) That duck’s a dork. I’m totally sure I saw him washing carts at the royal stable a few weeks ago or some junk. Mind you, what he had ta say about the Royal Council kinda struck a chord. Too bad he’s gonna be executed tomorrow, but then again, that is totally bogus. That duck’s a metaphor for the working class. They hafta work an’ get nothing in return. It’s a shame that he’s too insufferable ta be likable.
It is obvious that Fifi is not paying attention. She continues to stare up at the cloudless sky. The stars suddenly form a constellation that looks suspiciously like Hamton. She sighs happily.
Shirley: On the other hand, that pig seemed nice. He couldn’t take his eyes off ya! Then, when he remade the stained glass window, which was mondo sweet of him, that dumb lord laughed at him. Y’know what, Feef? (Beat) I think that you’ve got an admirer! Usually if anybody did what he did, it would be really kinda…creepy. But with him, it seemed…genuine!
Once again, Fifi doesn’t answer. Shirley has picked up on this, and looks at her through the reflection in the mirror.
Shirley: Fifi…say something, will ya? I don’t like talkin’ to myself!
Fifi doesn’t answer. She just sighs wistfully. Shirley looks at the camera with a smug grin on her face: she has realised why the princess is behaving rather oddly. She crosses to the four-poster bed and takes a deep breath.
Shirley: (Loudly) Like, hello there, Mr Janitor Pig! Have ya come ta clean up?
This has quite an effect on Fifi. She sits up in shock…only to find there’s nobody there. Shirley begins to laugh. Fifi glares.
Fifi: (Indignant) Zat wasn’t funny, Shirley!
Shirley: Like, I knew it! Ya totally have the hots for that janitor!
Fifi: (Angrily) Et vat eez wrong weeth him, may ah ask? Do not tell moi zat vous look down on ze people, too!
Shirley: (Stops laughing) What? No, ‘o’ course I don’t! Sheesh, princess, I’m getting some defensive vibes from you!
Fifi’s anger visibly abates. She sighs.
Fifi: Ah am sorry, Shirley. E-Eet’s just zat ah…have never felt zis way before. Zat pig ‘as something zat zose other suitors do not!
Shirley: A mop?
Fifi: (Angrily) NON! (Dreamy) Ze Cuteness… Ohhhh… She reclines on her bed once more. Shirley…do vous know eef ‘e returns mon feelings?
Shirley: (To the camera) Yes. I totally do. (To Fifi) Like, no, I don’t. How about I ask my crystal ball? As she says this, she pulls her crystal ball out from her dress pocket and hops onto the bed with Fifi.
Fifi: Ask eef ze pig loves moi too!
Shirley: Okay, but we have ta do this mondo quickly. If any of the guards catch me doin’ this, I’ll be burned at the stake for witchcraft or some junk! (Closes her eyes) Crystal ball, listen closely, will ya? The princess would like ta know if that new janitor loves her. Give us the answer, an’ do it quick ‘cos yer battery’s low.
The crystal ball rises off the bed. To the shock of the girls, it turns red, and the word “DANGER” appears.
Fifi: Danger? Eez eet dangerous to love him? (To the camera) Ah love un forbidden love. Zey are trés romantique!
Shirley: Like, I dunno, I’ll ask it. Crystal ball, what’s the danger?
The crystal ball suddenly shows a silhouette of what looks like Lord Sebastian. Two more silhouettes resembling C. Pew and Tad appear as well.
Fifi: (Disgust)Lord Sebastian?! Ah am not in love avec ‘im! Shirley, vat eez ze meaning of zis?
Shirley doesn’t answer. She has her fingers to her forehead, massaging them. Her eyes are closed.
Shirley: Danger…corruption…murder…the king… Her eyes snap open in horror. Like, this is mondo serious!
Fifi: (Shocked) Vat?! Tell moi, Shirley!
Shirley: Fifi…it’s Sebastian! He plans ta take over the throne!
Shirley: That ain’t the worst part. He’s gonna kill yer dad, an’ force ya ta marry him! Once he takes over France, the people shall totally be in danger!
Fifi: Non! (Pleading) Shirley, zis cannot be true! Zere must be something zat can stop ‘im!
Suddenly, the crystal ball changes from red to a pure white colour. A silhouette begins to materialise.
Shirley: Or someone… She stares intently at the crystal ball. Crystal ball, who is this figure? She closes her eyes as Fifi looks at it. The silhouette looks familiar. There is hope for us all… a brave and mighty hero shall arrive at the palace taking the form of a humble worker…he shall be the one ta stop Sebastian and save the king and all of France!
The silhouette begins to form into an image of Hamton dressed in a suit of armour and holding a sword above his head. A steely, determined grin is on his face. Fifi’s eyes widen in surprise before they turn into love hearts.
Shirley: The warrior is known as… Fleche De Lard! (Her eyes open)
Fifi: Fleche De Lard?
Shirley: Yeah. She takes out a French dictionary and studies it. That’s French for…
Fifi: (Interrupting) Arrow of Bacon… (Giggles) Ah wonder if eet refers to ‘is sword?
Shirley: (Giggles) It could be, or it couldn’t! She suddenly becomes serious as she puts the crystal ball back in her pocket. According to the crystal ball, that janitor we saw this morning is Fleche De Lard! He’s totally gonna save France!
Fifi: Oui! She gets up and gets off the bed. Ah am going to find mon pére et warn him of zat Lord!
Shirley: But ya can’t! The princess can’t leave the palace without an escort!
Fifi: But ah will ‘ave un escort. Ah shall ‘ave Fleche De Lard! ‘E will go avec moi to find mon father! Ah shall get to know ‘im zat way! She winks.
Shirley: Well…She leaps off the bed. I’m totally comin’ with ya! (Musing) But first, we’ll hafta, like, find Fleche De Lard…
Hamton is making his way to the dungeons. He has a rather sad look on his face as he knows he is unable to visit Fifi due to his shyness. Perhaps some cleaning up should make him feel better…though he highly doubts this. The camera pans ahead of him to reveal that he is about to pass the cell that Snafu is guarding and Plucky is locked up in. We can hear the duck whining from inside his prison.
Plucky: So ya won’t let me out for 5 bucks?
Snafu: (Patiently) No…
Plucky: 6 bucks?
Snafu: (Annoyed) No…
Plucky: (Beat) No bucks?
Snafu: (Groans with anger) NO! He looks to his left to see Hamton approaching. His anger abates with joy. (To Hamton) Hey! Yous dere!
Hamton: (In shock) M-Me? What’s up, mister?
Snafu: (In recognition) Hey! I remember yous! You wuz gonna go get dat janitor position! Looks like ya were successful!
Snafu: (Dismissively) Yeah, yeah, well done. Anyway. Could yous do me a favour?
Hamton: Well, I…
Snafu: (Interrupts) Could ya guard the prisoner? T’anks, buh-bye! Before Hamton can answer, Snafu darts off.
Snafu: (To the camera) Goldbrick, I’m a goldbrick! I’m a goldbrick…
Hamton watches him go. Then, he does a double-take as he recognises the voice coming from the cell.
Plucky: Has that knucklehead gone? Whoever’s there, I’m innocent, I tell ya!
Hamton: I wish I could help ya, but I hafta clean the dungeons…so goodbye!
Plucky: WAIT!! He presses his face against the bars on the door. Hey! It’s you! The janitor! He reaches a hand through the bars. Since you’re the janitor, ya must hafta clean ALL the rooms in the palace!
Plucky: So ya must have a key that unlocks every door!
Hamton: (Cautiously) I…uh…I think so…
Plucky: THEN BUST ME OUTTA HERE!!
Hamton: I can’t! If I violate any rules, I’ll get fired…or executed.
Plucky: (Desperate) Whadda ya think is gonna happen ta me?!
Hamton: (Reluctantly) I’m sorry…I can’t help ya. I hafta get back to work. He begins to walk away. The camera focuses on Plucky. His face is sweating as he tries to think of something quickly. The camera cuts back to Hamton walking away.
Plucky: I CAN TELL YA HOW TA GET WITH THE PRINCESS!!
Hamton freezes and his eyes widen. He zips back to the cell door. Plucky looks extremely hopeful at this.
Hamton: (Suspiciously) How do you know I have a crush on the princess?
Plucky: (Deadpan) To be honest, buddy, I think the whole palace knows yer little secret. Anyway, like I was saying before, since you’re the janitor, ya hafta clean EVERY room in the palace!
Plucky: And the princess’s sleeping quarters is part of every room!
Hamton: What’re you getting at?
Plucky: Why don’t ya go up an’ clean her room…while she’s in there?
Hamton: (He ponders for a beat) Gee, that’s a great idea!
Plucky: (Smugly) What can I say? I’m full of ‘em!
Hamton: There’s just one problem with it…actually, there’s two. (He points up one finger) One: I’m shy to a fault. (He points up another finger) Two: If I’m caught in the same area as the princess, I’ll lose my head…Lord Sebastian says so.
Plucky: (Sneers) Him? Hah! He ain’t in charge of the country! Are you gonna let the chance of you bein’ decapitated get in the way of love?
Plucky: No, you aren’t! You and the princess are the stars of this picture… (To the camera) Stupid decision, if ya ask me… (To Hamton)…Therefore, in order for the conflict to arise, you hafta meet up! So, what’re you waiting for, buddy? Go on up there an’ proclaim yer love for that skunkette!
Hamton: Yeah… (More confidently) You’re right! Faint hearts never won fair ladies! He runs offscreen. Thanks, pal!
Plucky: You’re welcome, bud- His eyes widen in sudden realisation. HEY! LET ME OUTTA HERE! He begins rattling the bars in fury. AWW, C’MON!! AFTER THAT PEP TALK I GAVE YA, I-
Suddenly, the door swings open. Plucky is shocked by this. He blushes with embarrassment.
Plucky:(To the camera) Heh-heh. It wasn’t even locked… He leaps down. Well, it’s time I left the building! He runs offscreen.
Hamton runs up the staircase. Once he reaches the top, he runs up the next flight of stairs. He does this five times, and he is visibly getting more and more tired with each run. After the fifth flight, he is now crawling up the stairs, panting like a dog and sweating. He falls down at the very top of the stairs. He pulls his head up to look wearily at the camera.
Hamton: (To the camera) Well… (Pant)…At least… (Pant)…It’s good… (Pant)...Cardio…He wheezes and flops down on the floor. After a beat he lifts his head up once more. His tiredness abruptly turns to happiness and his eyes turn into love hearts as he sees something offscreen. I MADE IT! The camera cuts to a large purple door. The princess’s sleeping quarters! He pulls out a WB shield from his pocket. I can show her how well I can polish a shield!
Humming “I’m in the Mood for Love”, he jigs happily towards the door and is about to knock on it when he suddenly freezes, just as his fist is nearly in contact with the wooden surface. The words ofLord Sebastian, C. Pew and Tad echo in his head.
Sebastian: (Echoing) STAY AWAY from the princess. She wants nothing to do with people who hafta work for a living…
C. Pew: (Echoing) The princess would never associate herself with peasants!
Tad: (Echoing) Whoa! I’m a disembodied voice!
Hamton’s confidence literally leaks out of him like a sieve. He freezes, his face depressed.
Fifi: (From inside) Hurry, Shirley! Eef we are quick, ze guards will not know zat ah ‘ave left ze room!
Shirley: (From inside) Okay, but this palace is mondo huge, y’know. How’re we gonna find him without bein’ seen?
The door suddenly opens and Fifi is about to walk out when she sees Hamton right in front of her. At first she is shocked…then she is relieved.
Fifi: (To Shirley) Ah believe we ‘ave found ‘im! She notices the shield he’s carrying. Et ‘e ‘as come prepared!
Hamton: (Shocked) Oh! Good evening, your majesty!
Shirley: Like, he’s got mondo good manners, too!
Hamton: (Confused) …Mondo?
Fifi: Quickly, Fleche De Lard! Een ‘ere! She and Shirley grab Hamton by the hands and pull him into the room, slamming the door behind them. The camera cuts to the interior of the princess’s bedroom. Hamton is sat on the bed with Fifi and Shirley.
Shirley: Okay, Fleche De Lard, we totally don’t have much time…
Hamton: (Interrupting) Uhh, who is this Fleche De Lard?
Fifi: Eet eez tu, cheri!
Hamton: (In realisation) Ohhh…He suddenly freezes as he realises what Fifi just said. (Thinking) She called me “Tu”…and “Cheri”!
Shirley takes out the crystal ball from her pocket.
Shirley: Fleche De Lard, just look at the crystal ball, it’ll explain everything. Once it’s shown ya, we’re outta here!
Hamton: (Thinking) Outta here? Are we…eloping?
He is too stunned to be shocked by the fact that the lady-in-waiting has a crystal ball. However, the crystal ball does not come to life like it did before. Shirley taps it impatiently, but nothing happens. She shakes it like a Magic 8 Ball. Still nothing.
Shirley: Aww, phooey! (To Fifi) The battery’s dead!
Fifi: We must leave tonight! Ze more time we waste, ze higher ze chances are of zat lord taking over!
Hamton: Whoa, whoa, Lord taking over? D’you mean Lord…Sebastian? (To the camera) ‘Cos otherwise, that’s a funny title for a lord.
Fifi: (Pleasantly surprised) Oui! Zat eez correct! (To Shirley) Per’aps we do not need to tell ‘im vat eez going on!
Hamton: (Nervously)S-Speaking of Lord Sebastian, if he catches me with you, your highness, he’ll chop off my head. He is about to get off the bed. So, I’d better be go-
Fifi grabs his arm. Hamton’s nervousness suddenly gives way to dreamy happiness at her touch.
Fifi: Non, ‘e will not! ‘E does not ‘ave zat power! Et besides, tu ‘ave done nothing wrong. (To the camera) ‘E eez too cute to lose ‘is ‘ead…either one. She winks.
Sebastian, C. Pew and Tad walk up the stairs out of the dungeons. They are still laughing about their evil plan.
Sebastian: Okay, Pew, you go hire a pirate crew ta go to England an’ stop his Royal Highness from leaving. Then, we’ll just take a little visit up to the princess’s sleeping quarters ta confine her to that room.
C. Pew: Sure thing…your majesty! He and Sebastian continue laughing as they are about to pass the Execution Cell.
Tad: (Confused) Hey! I thought there was gonna be an execution tomorrow!
Sebastian and C. Pew stop laughing.They look at Tad with a mixture of confusion and annoyance.
Sebastian: Of course there’s gonna be an execution in the morning, ya knucklehead. That so-called actor’s in there, look! He points at the empty cell, with the door wide open. His jaw hits the floor in shock.
C. Pew: I might be wrong, buuut…he’s escaped.
Sebastian’s jaw remains wide open for a beat, until he snaps it shut and goes red in the face with rage.
Sebastian: (Bellowing) GUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRDS!!
Every guard in the palace appears out of nowhere, surrounding the furious warthog.
Sebastian: The condemned actor has flown the coop! Search the palace! Don’t let him get away!
The corridor rings out with the clanking of armour as the guards rush off in all directions. When the noise dies away, it is revealed that C. Pew and Tad have been trampled by the guards.
Sebastian: (To Tad) No need ta worry, Tad, my boy. There will be an execution tomorrow: A DOUBLE EXECUTION!
Private Snafu is thrown into the Execution Cell by some remaining guards.
Snafu: (To the camera) Heh. Ya get used ta dyin’…
The camera cuts to Plucky, who is hurrying through the halls, trying to find a way out.
Plucky: This is just like an action movie…only it’s real! (To the camera) At least it is in this movie. (To himself) All I hafta do is find the way outta this dump an’ then I can find work as a strip-o-gram like I did after I got expelled. He comes to yet another dead end. Darn! Another corridor that leads ta nowhere!
He ponders what to do until he sees one of the guards patrolling the corridor. Plucky grins and snaps his fingers before running up to the guard.
Plucky: (In an extravagant tone) Excuse me, good sir. Could you tell me where to find the exit to this palace?
Guard: Why certainly! If you turn left at corridor number 45, you’ll find the drawbridge there.
Plucky: (Bowing clumsily) This condemned actor gives you his deepest thanks. (He salutes) See ya round, sport!
He runs offscreen.
Guard: (Chuckles) What a nice condemned actor. Suddenly, he freezes. A penny randomly falls out of nowhere and hits him on the head.
Plucky: (As he runs) Okay, corridor number 22, corridor number 23, corridor number 24…
Guard: (Offscreen) THERE HE IS!! GET HIM!!
Plucky: What the-?!
He turns around to see over fifty guards charging towards him, wielding bows and arrows, swords, axes…and even machine guns. A bugle can be heard playing the Derby Fanfare.
Plucky: (His eyes popping out) YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!
The camera abruptly cuts to Sebastian, who is walking up the stairs towards the royal sleeping quarters. C. Pew and Tad are crawling after him, gasping for breath.
Sebastian: I suppose that in hindsight, this fuss about that loser who broke out is just trivial. My men shall detain him once more.
Tad: Dude… (Pant) …They ain’t… (Pant) …your men… (Pant) …They’re… (Pant) …the king’s!
Sebastian: (In annoyance) I AM the king!
C. Pew: Not… (Pant) …until I crown you… (Pant) …at the coronation.
Sebastian: (Threateningly) And you will…He pulls a dagger out from under his small hat and points it at the skunk. Won’t you?
C. Pew: (Petrified) A-Anything you say, your majesty! By the way, doesn’t having that thing under your hat kinda hurt?
Sebastian: Well, I do get dandruff sometimes… He notices that they’re reaching the princess’s room. Now, shut up! We don’t want Princess Stinky ta suspect a thing.
The camera cuts to inside the bedroom. Hamton and Fifi are watching as Shirley fruitlessly tries to charge her crystal ball. The shield that Hamton had with him to polish is at the foot of the bed.
Fifi: Shirley, please! Zere eez no time!
Shirley: Like, I’m sorry, princess, but I don’t wanna keep Fleche De Lard in the dark about what’s going on!
Suddenly, all three of them hear a loud pounding on the door. They all freeze.
Sebastian: (Offscreen) Princess! Shirley, Fifi and Hamton sit there, mouths agape. I know I should respect your privacy, but I’m going to abuse my power as the Lord by coming in anyway!
The door crashes open to reveal Sebastian standing there, C. Pew and Tad stood either side. Hamton turns white with terror, but Fifi looks angrily at the three villains.
Fifi: (Demanding) Lord Sebastian! Vat eez ze meaning of zis! Explain to moi, tout suite!
Before he can answer, Sebastian suddenly spots Hamton. His eyes narrow with anger and his fists clench.
Sebastian: (Irate, to Hamton) YOU?! WHAT’RE YOU DOING WITH THE PRINCESS?!
Hamton: (Cowering) I…I…
Sebastian: (Interrupting) You disobedient little peon! You violated my order! You know the penalty for that!!
Tad: (pointing at Shirley) Whoa! Look what she’s got!
Sebastian and C. Pew round on the blonde loon. The camera cuts to her.
Shirley: (Confused, shocked) Like, what? Something in my teeth, or some junk?
The camera zooms in on the crystal ball.
C. Pew: That crystal ball… He pulls out a crucifix. SHE’S A WITCH!!
Tad: (to C. Pew) Hey, that’s not very nice! I think she looks pre- C. Pew bonks him on the head with the crucifix. OW!
Suddenly, some guards come clanking up the stairs. As they come into view, we see that one of them is holding a bruised and defeated Plucky by the scruff of the neck.
Guard: Lord Sebastian! We’ve caught the actor!
Plucky: (Groggily) Rosebud…
Sebastian: Well done, men! Throw him back in the Execution Cell! He motions to Hamton and Shirley. And throw this peasant and the witch in with him!
Hamton suddenly grabs the shield and throws it. It hits Tad in the face, knocking him into Sebastian and the lord is knocked into C. Pew. Like dominoes, everyone in the doorway is knocked over.
Fifi: (In surprise) Mon dieu, zat was- Hamton suddenly grabs her hand.
Hamton: (Urgently) Run, your majesty!
They rush towards the door, Shirley putting the crystal ball in her pocket while she flees. As they cross over the prone bodies, Hamton picks up the shield and carries it under his arm. Sebastian begins to pick himself up as they run downstairs.
Sebastian: (Furious) GUARDS!! STOP THEM!!
Fifi: Why, Fleche De Lard, zat was magnifique!
Hamton: Thanks, princess, but right now, we gotta get outta here!
Shirley: (Looks back) And mondo quickly!
They all hear clanking footsteps and angry shouting behind them, which causes them to run faster. They are so busy running, that they do not notice that they are coming to the next flight of stairs. Hamton notices, and screeches to a halt, before he can fall down them. Unfortunately, Fifi bumps into him, and Shirley bumps into her. The impact causes them to fly through the air. Hamton drops the shield as this happens.
What happens next is in slow motion. The wayward shield lands on the stairs, and Hamton’s trotters get caught in the handles. Fifi lands sitting on his shoulders, and Shirley lands on Fifi’s shoulders. They look a bit like they’re performing an extreme water-skiing trick. Fifi’s long dress is covering Hamton’s head as they begin to slide down the stairs. The shield has become a makeshift snowboard, as the footage runs at a normal speed.
# Crash – Matt Willis
Shirley: Like, surf’s up, dudes!
Hamton: (Muffled due to Fifi’s dress) Hey! It’s a nice view under here!
They slide to the bottom of the stairs and come to a long corridor with a stained-glass window at the very end of it.
Fifi: (Gasp) Lean left!
Hamton clumsily does so, and nearly loses his balance. They narrowly miss crashing into the wall. The shield doesn’t lose any momentum as they skid through the corridor. The guards reach the bottom of the stairs a few seconds behind them.
Guard: Stop in the name of France! He reaches for his bow, but instead of taking an arrow, he grabs Plucky. Before he realises what he’s done, the gag-green duck has been launched away by the bow.
Plucky: Hey! I’m free! (Sings) I believe I can fly- He zooms past Hamton, Fifi and Shirley…and crashes through the stained-glass window, leaving a duck shaped hole in it. Shirley and Fifi are shocked to see that they’re heading straight for the window as well!
Fifi: (Gasp) Lean right, Fleche De Lard, lean right!
Hamton: (Muffled) How come - He pulls the dress out of his eyes and sees what’s about to happen. (Horrified) PRINCEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!!
It is too late. They crash through the window as well, the shaped hole represents a totem pole. The shield flies out of the palace, and begins to slide down the steep incline that is the palace rooftop.
Shirley: Whoa, it’s mondo chilly out here! She and Fifi begin to wobble due to the steep roof. Because of this, Hamton is in danger of losing his balance.
Hamton: Hang on, princess and lady-in-waiting!
They slide past a tower that impedes our vision for two seconds. Now, Fifi is at the bottom, Hamton is on her shoulders, and Shirley is at the top as usual. They pass another tower, and now Shirley is at the bottom, doing a handstand. Hamton is holding up Fifi. They are both posing like two dancers on ice. They pass another tower, and they’re in the normal order, but now they are live-action animals. They pass another tower, and they are dressed up like Hawkloon, Scentanna and Decoy, respectively. They pass another tower, and they’ve turned into caricatures of Gail Matthius, Kath Soucie and Billy West respectively. They pass one last tower, and they’re back to normal.
Fifi: Mais non! We are running out of ze roof!
The camera cuts to the view ahead of them which confirms they are approaching the edge of the roof.
Hamton: And we’ve made a mess of it. I cleaned it a few hours ago…
The shield slides off the edge, and they begin to fall. Plucky, who is clinging onto the roof for dear life, notices them.
As she falls past Plucky, Shirley grabs his legs in an effort to stop the plummet.
Plucky: Ow! Hey, leggo, lady! His legs begin to stretch like elastic, and the shield’s fall begins to slow down. Plucky is visibly sweating, and he is beginning to lose his grip.
Plucky: (Straining) Ohh, my legs! This is the weirdest physiotherapy I’ve ever had!
The camera zooms in on his fingers. One by one, they begin to let go. Finally, as the last one is about to about to let go, his legs abruptly snap back like an elastic band, taking Shirley, Fifi, Hamton and the shield with them. They, along with Plucky, all fly through the night sky and above the palace roof, before falling downwards and crashing through the tiles. The shield lands on the banister of a spiral staircase, and they begin to grind down it, sparks flying everywhere. Plucky is now balanced on Shirley’s shoulders at the very top.
Hamton: Ooh! I’m losin’ my poise! Everybody lean to yer right!
They all do so, as the shield continues to grind down at top speed. Plucky constantly hits his head against the brick wall as they do so.
Plucky: (With every hit) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Suddenly, the camera cuts to the same guards, who begin to run down the spiral staircase after the fleeing heroes.
Shirley: (Looking back) Like, they’re gaining on us!
They are nearly at the bottom of the staircase. Plucky’s head continues to bonk the wall. He spits out several teeth and glares at the camera.
Plucky: (To Hamton) That’s it! Now, I’m gonna drive this thing!
He reaches down, grasps Hamton and throws him at the top on Shirley’s shoulders. He smugly goes to the bottom, putting his webbed feet in the handles, just as they fly off the end of the banister. Suddenly, Junior appears from a door, brandishing a wooden club.
Junior: Duuuh, Low-bridge! He swings the club as they pass. The camera cuts to a close-up of Plucky’s face. We hear a crunching noise offscreen. The duck’s face screws up in pain with tears streaming from his eyes.
Plucky: (Voice suddenly squeaky) There goes Mom’s chance of having grandchildren! He puts Hamton back in his former position, and sits back up on Shirley’s shoulders.
They zoom through the corridor at top speed. The camera shows that once again, their path comes to an end…only this time, they can see a chandelier hanging from the ceiling.
Fifi: (Suddenly) Ah ‘ave un idea! Fleche De Lard, switch places avec Shirley et zat duck!
Hamton, with the princess on his shoulders, switches places with Plucky and Shirley, so that they are at the bottom and he is in the middle.
Hamton: Wh-what’s the plan, princess?
Fifi doesn’t answer. Wobbling, she stands up on Hamton’s shoulders and bends over. Suddenly, her thick bushy tail emerges from under her dress.
Hamton: (In shock and awe) HOLY SWINE!! (To the camera) So that’s what felt so furry.
Shirley: Like, Fifi, ya’d better explain yer plan quickly. We’re runnin’ outta floor…again!
Plucky: (Sarcastically) Too late, sweetheart!
The shield zooms over the edge. Fifi whips out her tail and wraps it around the chandelier. The momentum of their flight causes the chandelier to spin out of control like a carousel at maximum speed.
HFP&S: Whoa! …Whoa! ….Whoa! …Whoa! …Whoa!
As they spin around, we get a glimpse of Hamton clinging onto Fifi’s hands for dear life. In slow motion, Hamton reluctantly opens his eyes…and sees Fifi staring directly into them. An awkward smile crosses his lips. Fifi returns a rather seductive grin. Suddenly, Hamton notices another stained-glass window which keeps appearing and disappearing with each spin. He gets an idea.
Hamton: (To Fifi, in slow motion) Llllllleeeeeeeeetttttt gggoooooooo, prrrrrrrriiiiiiiiinnccccceeeesssssss!
Fifi: (In slow motion) Qqqqqqqquuuuuuuuuuoooooooiiiii?
Hamton: (In slow motion) Jjjjjuuuuuuuusssssstt tttttrrrrrrruuuuuuusssssttt mmmmeeeeeeee!
Plucky: (In slow motion) Wwwwwwhhhhhyyyyyy aaaaaaarrrrreeee wwwwweeeeeee tttttttaaaaaallllkkkkkkiiiiinnnng llliiiiiiiiiikkke tttthhhhhiiiisss?!
Shirley: (In slow motion) Llllllliiiiiiiiikkkkke, I’mmmmmmm tooooooootttttaaaaallllyy gooooooooonnnnna ttttthhhhhrrrroooowww uuuuuuuuppp!
In slow motion, Fifi reluctantly makes her tail loosen its grip on the chandelier. The speed abruptly returns to normal as the quartet flies off the still spinning chandelier and smashes through the window. The guards reach the end of the corridor just in time to witness their escape.
Guard: They got away. He pounds the wall. DAMN IT!
The camera cuts a wide shot of Paris. We can see the four figures of Hamton, Fifi, Shirley and Plucky flying through the night sky and begin to rapidly descend.
Shirley, Fifi and Hamton plunge into the Seine with a splash! Plucky, however, lands on the cobblestone bank beside it with an audible crunch! After a beat, he slowly sits up, stars circling his head.
Plucky: (Groggily) Ooooooohhh… He shakes his head to clear it. (Overjoyed) I can’t believe it! I flew outta the palace, landed on the stony ground, and survived without any serious injury!
Suddenly, the shield falls down and hits him on the head with a CLANK! Once again, stars circle his head.
Plucky: (Groggily) Ahh…mango juice! He faints.
“Let’s all go to the lobby (again), let’s all go to the lobby (again)…”Fleche De Lard will continue in Part 3.