Finding a Place to Stay
Welcome back to Part 3 of:
Fleche De Lard
Lord Sebastian is in the throne room…sat on the king’s throne. He has a rather mellow, calm look on his face. Judging by the complete and utter terror of C. Pew, Tad and the guard in front of him, he has been given the bad news.
Sebastian: (Sweetly) They got away? The guard reluctantly nods. He laughs heartily. (To C. Pew and Tad) Did you hear that, boys? The princess, the janitor, the witch and that disrespectful actor got away! We-heh-hell, I’m not angry at all!
He suddenly gets up, lifts up the throne above his head, and smashes it to pieces on the floor. Then he calmly walks over to one of the curtains and rips it down. Then he stamps on it and tears it to ribbons. He then crosses to a wooden table and upturns it. He does all this with a calm smile on his face. The camera cuts to C. Pew and Tad, who are watching him nervously. We can hear crashing noises offscreen. Sebastian storms over to the guard and looks him straight in the eye.
Sebastian: (Deadly calm) I’m furious. You can march yourself over to the Bad Generic Guard’s room…now.
The guard turns and runs away, sobbing like a baby. The doors slam behind him.
Tad: Y’know, that tone doesn’t sound very fur-
He is interrupted just as Sebastian rounds on him and C. Pew.
Sebastian: (Infuriated, to Tad) MY PLAN TA USURP THE THRONE IS RUINED!!
Tad: (Terrified) But THAT does!
Sebastian: (Pacing the room in anger) The princess’ll go find her father, and since that peasant janitor is with her, he’ll tell him all about all the bad stuff we did while he was away!
Tad: Uhh…when you say “he’ll tell him” and “he was away”, d’ya mean that the janitor’ll tell the king all about the bad stuff we did while the janitor was away, or-
Sebastian: (Through gritted teeth) While the king was away…
Tad: (Cheerily) Thanks!
Sebastian throws his hands in the air and storms up to the destroyed throne.
Sebastian: (Sarcastically) Well, boys! My “Tyrant Takes the Helm” plot has gone down the metaphorical porcelain. We may as well just execute ourselves; because that’s what his royal highness is gonna do once he gets back!
Tad: Yeah (Beat) He’ll be real mad when he sees what ya did to his throne.
Sebastian buries his face in his hands in frustration, making an angry squealing noise.
C. Pew: I think you’re being too negative, my lord.
Sebastian: (To C. Pew) Shut up, altar boy.
C. Pew: No, really! You can’t give up now! (To the camera) Otherwise this’ll be a really short movie. (To Sebastian) Remember that the king is still in England, and the quartet will have to go there if they’re ta spill the beans about our naughty campaign.
Sebastian: (His anger slightly abating) What’s your point?
C. Pew: Well, we are in the 17th Century, which means that the only mode of transportation they have (He points to his feet) are these.
Sebastian: (Interested) Go on…
C. Pew: Not only will it take them days to travel to the Land of Hope and Glory…but the journey will be fraught with peril. He counts on his fingers. Thieves, highwaymen, the elements, and so forth. Oh! Did I forget to mention…assassins?
Sebastian now has a malicious grin on his face as he thinks about the cardinal’s words.
Sebastian: (Chuckles) For a skunk of the church, you sure have a devilish mind. He ponders for a beat. You just reminded me of the pirate crew that we were gonna hire as well. Not only that, but we could also offer a reward for the capture of our escapees.
Tad: So, either way, we’ll have ‘em!
Sebastian: Precisely! Maybe I was too hasty, boys. Paris is mine. All mine!
Tad: (Confused) Y’mean ours, don’t ya?
Sebastian: (To Tad, flatly) No. (To C. Pew) Go and write some letters. We’re gonna have some more job interviews! (To the camera) Forgive me a cruel chuckle.
He begins to laugh evilly for the second time that evening. As he does so, the camera pans out of the palace and over the city, his laughter echoing in the night. It slowly zooms in on the Seine, where we see Hamton helping Shirley and Fifi out of the water, while Plucky lies unconscious.
Fifi: Merci beaucoup, Fleche De Lard! (Coughs) Ah must say zat your idea to use your shield was trés bien!
Hamton: Uh, no problem. But you helped as well. If it wasn’t for your idea of swinging on that chandelier, the guards would’ve caught us!
Shirley: (Wrings out her cone hat) Well, we escaped, but we’re totally soaked, an’ in this evenin’ air, we’ll get pneumonia!
Hamton: Oh! Let me get that! He pulls out three hairdryers from his pocket and hands each one to Shirley and Fifi.
Shirley: Like, mondo convenient! (To the camera) It’s kind of an anachronism, but I ain’t complaining.
Fifi: (To Shirley) ‘E comes avec un shield…et zese hairdryers! Fleche De Lard est un prepared gentleman as well as un hero!
Hamton: (To Fifi) Um…why do you and your lady-in-waiting keep calling me that?
Fifi and Shirley look at each other.
Shirley: We woulda told ya back at the palace, but that jerk Sebastian interrupted us.
Fifi: Oui. But first, ah think zat we should warm ourselves up before we catch ze sniffles, no?
They turn on their hairdryers and begin to dry themselves off. As they do so, Hamton can’t help but stare at Fifi as she takes off her sodden cone hat to dry her flowing purple mane. It flows in the warm air from the hairdryer. He sighs dreamily as Fifi turns to look at him seductively.
Suddenly, we go into his subconscious again, and the song “Top of the World” by The Carpenters begins to play once more. This time, Fifi and Hamton are floating in the star-filled sky, similar to the stained-glass window that he painted. They are prancing after each other on all-fours, bouncing on the clouds. Finally, Hamton catches up to Fifi. He pounces on her and pins her down on a cloud. Fifi grins mischievously and tickles him with her tail. He laughs and loosens his grip. Fifi’s tail wraps around him and throws him off her. Now he is pinned to the cloud by her. He doesn’t mind this a bit. Fifi looks down at him seductively, and reaches down to take off his clothes…
Hamton: OH! Abruptly, his daydream ends. The camera pans out to reveal that the hairdryer has blown off his rather tatty rags. He is completely naked. He looks up at Fifi and Shirley in shock. (Sheepish) Heh-heh. Whoops!
The camera cuts to the girls. Fifi’s eyes are looking down at something we can’t see. She looks unsubtly pleased.Fifi: (To Shirley) ‘E must be un bon lover as well as un fighter, non? (To Hamton) Et à ma gauche est un cochon nue. Hamton: (Blushing furiously) Oh, I-I’m sorry for being this way in your prescence, your highness! He turns and crosses to retrieve his clothes. (To himself, embarrassed) Un cochon nue… Un cochon nue! He bends over to pick up his rags. The eyes of both girls widen in wonder. He has his back to them, and his piggy behind juts out.Shirley: (Whispers) Like, dat ass! She puts on some sunglasses.
Hamton blushes even more. We can tell he heard her. He also hears Fifi giggling. Sweat begins to roll off his forehead and splash on the cobblestone.
Fifi: (Offscreen) Ooh, la, la! (Giggles)
Hastily, Hamton stuffs his now dry rags on and turns to them.
Hamton: Are you both dry?
Shirley: Well, I am, but, like, I can’t say the same for the princess. She points to Fifi, who has a seductive smile on her face.
Hamton: (Blushing) Heh-heh. Sooo, how about tellin’ me what’s goin’ on? Y’know, why you call me Fleche De Lard?
Fifi: Mais oui! Show ‘im, Shirley!
Shirley takes out her crystal ball and inspects it. The camera zooms in on it. We see a battery symbol.
Shirley: (Angry) Like, only 38%?! I’ve been chargin’ it for fifteen minutes! (Grumbles) Stupid Watermelon product. (Sighs) Okay, crystal ball, show Fleche De Lard his destiny!
Hamton looks at the crystal ball as it turns red and shows him the figures of Sebastian, C. Pew and Tad. He looks shocked.
Shirley: (Regarding his expression) Yeah, we totally had the same reaction. According to the crystal ball, Lord Sebastian is plannin’ ta murder the king an’ force the princess to marry him so that he can take over all of France!
Hamton: Gosh! (To the camera) To quote my father: (In Wade’s voice) If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he was the villain of this picture! (To Fifi and Shirley, in his normal voice) B-But what does that hafta do with me?
Fifi: (Sing-song) Tu will see.
Hamton looks at the crystal ball once more as the image begins to change. The red aura changes to the pure hue. He does a double-take as he sees…himself in shining armour, holding a sword above his head!
Shirley: Like, a hero shall arrive at the palace taking the form of a humble worker. She looks at Hamton. He’ll be the one to stop Lord Sebastian and save all of France!
Fifi: Zat eez tu: Fleche De Lard!
The camera cuts to Plucky, who is still lying on the ground. He has one eye open, however.
Plucky: (Thinking) A hero takin’ the form of a humble worker? A hero who’s gonna save all of France an’ predictably get the girl?! That sounds like a spectacular plot for an actor of my talent! If I could come along for the ride, I could get 90% of the credit!
Hamton: (Dumbfounded) M-ME?! The girls nod. I-I don’t know what to say… (He ponders) No. Th-that can’t be me.
Fifi: Eet does look like tu, Cheri!
Hamton: (Dismissing) No, y-you’ve got the wrong pig. I can’t be this Fleche De Lard fella. I-I’m just a janitor!
Shirley: Well, like, the prophecy does say the hero takes the form of a humble worker…an’ I think a janitor is pretty humble!
Suddenly, Plucky leaps up behind them, looking surprisingly happy.
Plucky: (To Shirley) Say, lady, does that thing say anythin’ about ME bein’ a hero, too?
Shirley looks indignant, but consults her crystal ball nevertheless. After a beat, she turns to the green duck.
Shirley: (To Plucky) The crystal ball says that you’re the sidekick to the hero.
Plucky: (Indignant) Typical. (Suddenly hopeful) Y’mean the kinda sidekick who does all the work an’ has a bigger fanbase than the hero?!
Shirley: (Bluntly)Like, no. Your role in this prophecy is nothin’ but slapstick an’ bein’ constantly thrown under the bus.
Plucky looks bitterly at the camera.
Fifi: (To Hamton) Tu see, Fleche De Lard, ah am going to warn mon pére of zat lord before ‘e kills ‘im. Ah need your help to find ‘im.
Plucky: (To Fifi) Wait a sec! So you need this Flesh der Lards guy ta help ya find yer dad, an’ I’m be along for the ride because I’m (he shudders) the sidekick, so… He points at Shirley. Why’s SHE coming?
Instead of an answer, Fifi punches him in the chest. Plucky doubles up in pain, clutching his chest.
Plucky: (Wheezes in pain) What was that for?!
Fifi: (Angrily) Zat vas pour saying zat ah stink!
Plucky: (Defensively) I don’t remember that!
Shirley: Like, yeah, ya did, green bean. Way back in Part 1.
Plucky: (To Shirley) I hate you… (To the camera) But that’ll probably change by the end of the movie.
Fifi turns her attention back to Hamton. Her anger has now changed to sweetness.
Fifi: (To Hamton) Will tu please ‘elp moi?
The camera cuts to Hamton. Sweat trickles down his forehead and he bites his nails.
Hamton: (Thinking) Okay, let’s just think about what’s going on here: the princess wants YOU ta help her find the king and save all of France because of that prophecy…but suppose I’m not this Fleche De Lard? The camera cuts to Fifi, who is making puppy-dog eyes and fluttering her eyelashes. Hamton’s expression changes from worry to pleasure. (Thinking) Okay, let’s be more positive. You have the princess, A.K.A the love of your peasant life, asking you to escort her on a long, arduous, potentially life-threatening journey. Perhaps ya could get ta know her on the way… Right… love or logic? Love or logic? Love or logic? Love or logic?
Suddenly, we hear a voice echoing in his mind.
???: (Echoing) Help the princess, already!
Hamton: (Thinking) Well, my heart wants me ta help her, so I guess love wins!
???: (Echoing) I’ve got somethin’ ta do with love, but I ain’t yer heart, buddy.
Hamton looks at the camera in shock. Then, he looks at the skunkette before him.
Hamton: (Bravely) Your highness. Consider me…your personal escort!
Fifi: (Overjoyed) Ohhh, ah knew tu would agree! She suddenly embraces him, wrapping her tail around his body. Hamton stiffens like a board.
Shirley: (To Hamton) So, like, where d’we go, o heroic one?
Fifi lets go of the pig and steps back, anticipating an answer.
Hamton: (Dazed) Huh? (Snaps out of it) Oh! Right! Well, uh, the king is in England, which is… He counts on his fingers. 501.1km walking distance. It’ll take 83 hours ta get there, which means we have… He counts on his fingers again. Roughly 2 and a half days.
The camera cuts to Plucky and Shirley.
Plucky: (Shocked) 2 and a half days?? (Screams) OOH, I’M DYIN’!! He faints and falls offscreen. (Offscreen) I did NOT sign up for a road movie!
Shirley rolls her eyes.
Fifi: (Musing) Eet will take un trés long time to get to mon pére. We could start tonight, mais eet eez getting late.
Hamton: We’ll lose our way in the dark, your highness. I, uh, propose that we find somewhere to spend the night? (Muses) The trouble is, there aren’t that many fancy hotels around this side of the city.
Plucky suddenly jumps to his feet.
Plucky: (Triumphantly) I know somewhere! It’s called “Le Vraiment, Vraiment Riche Hôtel!” (Haughtily) As a highly skilled actor, I once worked there as bus-boy, I mean, I played a bus-boy!
Hamton: Wow! Where is it?
Plucky: It’s not too far from here. C’mon, I’ll show ya! He turns and trips, falling flat on his face. (Grumbles) Darn slapstick…
The camera shows us a view of a neon sign which says: Le Vraiment, Vraiment Riche Hôtel as if we are looking up at it. There is also a sign which says: “Aucun paysans autorisés...cela signifie que la majorité des Paris!” The sound of a double bass can be heard playing some jazz music from within the building. The camera pans down to Fifi, Hamton, Shirley and Plucky as they look up at it.
Shirley: (Impressed) Like, nice place! (To Fifi) If we didn’t spend most of our time stuck at the palace, I totally would’ve come here!
Hamton: (To Plucky) Um…this place is nice an’ all, but… (Whispers) we’re both peasants. We don’t have any money. We can’t stay here!
Plucky: (To Hamton) Aw, stop yer worrying, Flesh de lad. In case ya haven’t noticed, we’re with royalty! The princess can just have the staff thrown in jail if we don’t have our way!
Hamton: (Shocked) Isn’t that kind of…mooching off ‘em?
Plucky: (Smug) I’ve mooched all my life, an’ look at me now!
Shirley: (To Plucky, scornfully) An attention-seeking loser? That’s something I totally wouldn’t go boasting about!
Plucky is dumbfounded by the fact that Shirley knew what he had said. Hamton smirks inwardly and walks over to Fifi.
Hamton: (Uneasily) So, whadda ya think, princess?
Fifi: (Pondering) Hmmmm… (Beat) Ah like eet! Let us go in!
Hamton sighs with relief as they walk towards the door. Plucky suddenly doesn’t look too keen.
Plucky: (Nervously, to Shirley) Uhhh…I’m kinda banned from here.
Shirley: (Shocked) Like, say what?!
Plucky: (Defensively) Hey, I dunno why! All I did was resign and they didn’t take it well!
Shirley looks smugly at him.
Shirley: (Thinking) Yep, they fired him. (To Plucky) Like, try not ta attract any attention to yerself, then they might not recognise ya!
Plucky: Got it! He walks into the door and falls over. Shirley rolls her eyes.
Fifi and Hamton enter the foyer. The foyer has several golden statues of what appears to be dollar signs. There’s also a fountain in the corner of the room. It looks incredibly expensive, which makes Hamton, who’s wearing dirty old rags, feel incredibly nervous. Fifi, however, confidently reaches the desk. Some of the people in the foyer stop and stare as she walks past. Then, they look at Hamton. He grins sheepishly and scampers after her.
Fifi: Bonjour? Eez anyone zere?
Then, Hugh the Tasmanian Devil appears from behind the desk wearing a smart looking tuxedo. There is applause from seemingly nowhere as Hugh grins at the camera. Hamton, Fifi, Shirley and Plucky look for the source of the clapping in confusion.
Hugh: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the princess! (To the camera) Which it is. Welcome to the name of the hotel which I cannot pronounce because I never studied French! Ba-da-bing, Ba-da-boo!
Fifi: Oui, bonjour, monsieur. Ze four of us would like un room, s'il vous plaît.
Hugh:We-hell, righty-ho, then, your highness. Let’s see if we have a room for (To Fifi) the princess, (To Hamton) the guy who reminds me of my son’s piggy bank, (To Shirley) the lady-in-waiting (To Plucky)…and the janitor.
Plucky: (To the camera) Y’know what? I give up.
Shirley: (To Hugh) Like, that’s totally cosmic! How much d’we hafta pay?
Hamton’s teeth chatter as he hears this question. But Hugh shakes his head.
Hugh: Oh, no, no, no, little lady. That won’t be necessary. Y’see, I’m the new manager an’ because you’re royalty, you don’t have ta pay. (To Hamton and Plucky) Now, back when the old manager was in charge, you two woulda been kicked out by now. However, I don’t believe in that sorta discrimination, blah, blah, blah, yakety schmakety. So, I made up my own rules. You four showed up on the perfect night! Tonight, everybody gets ta have a nice cool glass of OJ.
Suddenly, all of the people in the foyer (except the quartet) each hold up a glass of orange juice.
Crowd: (Monotonously) Yay.
After a beat, Drew the Tasmanian Devil walks out of a door behind the desk and stands beside Hugh. The applause starts again, and Drew bows for it until it ends.
Hugh: Well, hello there, brother who looks just like me only with a different colour scheme because the artists are so darn lazy. These four customers would like the mighty finest room this hotel has ta offer.
Drew: (To Hugh) Oh, sorry there, Hugh. As you may recall, it’s OJ night, and boy, I tell ya, there aren’t that many rooms left!
Fifi and Shirley look disappointed, but then Hamton steps forward.
Hamton: (To Drew) Uh, are ya sure you’re outta rooms? We won’t stay long. It’s only for one night. We hafta go ta England so we need plenty of sleep.
Hugh: (Incredulous) To England?!
Drew: Are you guys fans of road trips like me ‘n’ my brother are?
Fifi: Fleche De Lard eez right, monsieurs. We will stay in any room vous ‘ave to offer.
Hugh and Drew look at each other for a beat, before looking at the quartet.
Drew: Well, okay, then. You’re the boss…uh…princess! I’ll see what I can do. He turns to open the door, but then stops and turns to face the camera. (To the camera) Goodnight, folks!
The applause sounds again as he leaves. Plucky turns to Hamton.
Plucky: (Approvingly) Good job, Croque Monsieur! I bet stayin’ in this dump is much better than workin’ in it!
Hamton: (Modest) Y-Yeah. He looks around. Gee-whizz! This place sure doesn’t look like anywhere I’ve been to! He looks down at his rags. (Crestfallen) Suddenly, I feel kinda…poor.
Plucky: Well, I hate ta break it to ya, buddy, but…you are.
Suddenly, the applause sounds again as Drew returns.
Drew: Alrighty then, I’ve got some good news! There are two rooms available. One of ‘em had ta have some…pets removed…
The camera abruptly cuts to what looks like the alley at the side of the hotel. Rita and Runt lie in a heap on the ground.
Runt: Duuuuuh, hey, Rita, I thought dogs always landed on their feet!
Rita: (Disgruntled) Oh, shut up.
The camera cuts back to Drew.
Drew: …But now they’re all yours!
Hugh: Well, well, well, that is pretty good news! Since there’s four of ya, you’ll hafta make like a banana and split!
Drew: (In mock shock) Split?! Can’t they try counselling?
Hugh: No, bro, it’s too expensive. There is a beat as he does a slow burn, realising what he’s just said. Okey-dokey, then. Room 1 is the Honeymoon suite, and that’ll go to…the princess and the pig.
Hamton looks shocked, and Fifi is happily surprised. Hugh’s words begin to distort as we enter Hamton’s happy place again.
The song “Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy” by Queen begins to play as we see Fifi lying (possibly naked) on a heart-shaped bed, waiting for somebody. Suddenly, the camera cuts to a golden door, which opens, and Hamton comes towards the bed, stripping off his velvet dressing gown as he stands before her. He has his back to the camera, but there’s something glowing in his front region which Fifi likes to see a bit too much…she gets on all-fours, like she is about to pounce…and then she does, knocking Hamton over. We see several love hearts fly up from offscreen. One of them dominates the camera, and it fades back to reality, where Hamton has a stunned, but pleasured face. Everybody is looking at him oddly.
Shirley: (To the camera) Like, that’s twice he’s done that in this part! If I didn’t know any better, I’d say the writer totally loves writing these fantasies!
Fifi: (Concerned, to Hamton) Fleche De Lard…are tu alright?
Hamton: (Abruptly happy) Oh, I FEEL JUST WONDERFUL!! He immediately calms down when he looks at the bemused witnesses. I, uh, mean that I’m honoured to sleep with you, er, share a room with you. He grabs her hand and rushes upstairs. Shirley and Plucky look at each other and shrug before following them.
Fifi: (Thinking) So am ah, mon timide petit hero. So am ah…
The camera cuts to a piece of paper. Tad is lying on the floor in front of it, a crayon in his hand. C. Pew is pacing around him. He is wearing reading glasses.
C. Pew: Now listen closely, Duke Tad. This is what I want the, shall we say, job description to sound like. (Clears his throat) Lord Sebastian would like two roasted ducks, a fricasseed polecat and a slaughtered pig, and make it juicy because he likes to see suffering…and so do I. He shall pay good money for this job! (To Tad) Got that?
Tad has been writing with the crayon while the skunk was talking. He looks triumphantly up at C. Pew.
Tad: (Smugly) Sure have!
C. Pew: Good! Now, mail that to the takeaway, I’m starving. OKAY! Now for the pirate crew we’re gonna hire. (Clears throat) Do what you want, ‘cos a pirate is free: you are a pirate. (To Tad) Got that?
Tad has been writing with the crayon while the skunk was talking. He looks triumphantly up at C. Pew.
Suddenly, Sebastian enters the room. He looks rather testy.
Sebastian: (Impatiently) Have you sent those job offerings, yet?
C. Pew: (Saluting) In the process of it, your soon-to-be highness!
Sebastian: Well, get a move on. Ya still have the reward posters ta place all over the city! He looks out the window. That foursome…
He is interrupted as Tad starts sniggering. He glares, before continuing.
Sebastian: That foursome…
He is interrupted as Tad starts chuckling. He glowers, before trying to continue.
Sebastian: That four-
He is interrupted as Tad starts guffawing. He glowers, before trying to continue.
Sebastian: That fo-
Suddenly, Tad begins howling with helpless laughter. He rolls around the room, his legs kicking the air. The camera cuts to Sebastian, who glares at the camera. Then, he explodes.
Sebastian: (Furious) THAT GROUP OF FOUR could be nearing the outskirts of Paris by now. We have to act fast. They need ta be back here at all costs! We won’t sleep until they’re captured!
Tad: (Now calm) Ahh, don’t worry. I reckon that right now, they’ve decided ta check into some real expensive hotel in the city, and they’re gonna set off first thing in the morning!
Sebastian and C. Pew stare at him for a beat.
Sebastian: (Dismissively) That’s stupid. He ponders for a beat. Hold on… something’s just come ta me… I reckon that right now, they’ve decided ta check into some real expensive hotel in the city, and they’re gonna set off first thing in the morning!
Tad: (Stroking his chin) Hey, yeah! Maybe they have! Man, you’re so uh… not dumb, Lord Sebastian!
Sebastian: (To Tad) It’s King Sebastian from now on! What with all these procedures we’re plannin’ ta capture that bratty princess and that janitor, they’ll be back at the palace by tomorrow lunchtime! He looks down at the several blank sheets of paper in front of Tad. (Angry) But it’ll take longer unless ya get yer act together! NOW, GET BACK TA WORK!!
He storms out of the room. We hear him slam the door.
C. Pew: (Impressed) Wow! (To Tad) He’s already gone mad with power!
Tad: Yeah…so, d’ya really think they’re stayin’ in some fancy hotel?
C. Pew: (Dismissively) Nah…if you ask me, they’ll be huddling in some gutter, freezing ta death like…peasants, because two of them ARE peasants! They’ll probably die before they even reach the “Vous êtes maintenant quitter Paris” sign.
Tad: (Beat) Y’know, I don’t think you’re a very good cardinal.
C. Pew looks at him, then at the camera in exasperation.
Hamton tentatively opens a door that looks likeit’s made completely out of gold. His eyes widen in wonder. The camera cuts to what he is looking at: the Honeymoon suite is extremely large. It has a fountain with several statues of cherubs on it, and there is a huge heart-shaped bed which looks all too similar to the bed we saw in his daydream.
Hamton: (To Fifi) Uh…after you, princess. He holds the door open for Fifi to enter.
Fifi: (As she passes him) Merci beaucoup, Fleche De Lard. She has the same reaction as Hamton as she checks out their room. (Astonished) C’est magnifique! (Thinking) Zis eez bien. Ah may finally be able to…get to know ze hero.
Hamton: (Thinking) This room looks…familiar. Darn. Why didn’t the writer make this a mature movie? (To Fifi) So, what do you think, your highness?
Fifi: Ah…ah think zat eet eez wonderful! Eet eez much better zan ma bedroom back at ze palace! (To the camera) Et even better… ah am sharing eet avec Fleche De Lard! She winks.
Hamton: (Wiggling his toes on the carpet) Wow… The chance of me gettin’ a disease by living here has decreased by 99%!
Fifi giggles, and sits herself down on the bed. She sees Hamton wandering around the room. She is confused by this.
Fifi: Fleche De Lard…vat are tu doing?
Hamton: Huh? Oh, I’m just lookin’ for a place ta sleep. I, uh, I think that corner over there looks like a nice, cosy spot.
He crosses over to it.
Fifi: (Giggles) Don’t be silly! Tu are sleeping avec moi on ze bed!
The sound of a record scratching can be heard as the camera abruptly cuts to and zooms in on Hamton.
Hamton: (Shocked) Wh-Wh-Wh-What?!
Fifi doesn’t answer. Instead, she just pats the space next to her on the massive bed. The camera cuts back to Hamton and it looks like we are about to re-enter his happy place when the door suddenly knocks. Fifi and Hamton jump in shock, and look at the door. Hamton crosses to it and answers. Standing in the doorway is Molly the Tasmanian Devil.
Molly: Hi-YEEEEE! Dad told me the princess was stayin’ here. She sees Fifi and her jaw hits the floor, and then closes. (Excited) OMG, it’s the princess!
Hamton: Uh…I hate ta be rude but is there any reason you came up here?
Molly: What? (Realising) Oh yeah! (Announces) In honour of OJ Day…which is now OJ Night, my dad has organised an OJ party…as lame as that sounds…Everybody in the palace is invited!
Fifi: Un party? Ah ‘ave never been to one of zose!
Molly: (Incredulous, to Fifi) You’ve never been to a party?! You’re a princess! It would be a great honour ta have ya!
Hamton: (To Fifi) She’s right, princess. You go on down an’ have fun. I’ll just stay up here out of the way.
Molly: (Confused, to Hamton) You’re not coming? Why not?
Hamton: Well, I’m a peasant. He looks down at his robes. I have nothing ta wear.
Molly turns to the camera and grins, before turning to the pig.
Molly: (To Hamton) Have no fear, Cinderella! You shall go to the ball, uh, OJ party!
Hamton: (Nervously) Uh, how?
Molly: (Smugly) With a makeover…
Fifi’s eyes widen upon hearing Molly’s words, before she grins mischievously. Hamton looks at them, and then at the camera. He chuckles nervously.
“Let’s all go to the lobby (again), let’s all go to the lobby (again)…”
Fleche De Lard will continue in Part 4.