Fleche De Lard

Romance at the Party

Welcome back to Part 4 of:

Fleche De Lard

Scene 13

The camera roves through what we can assume to be the hotel’s ballroom. Here, we can see some of the guests: Mary Melody is talking to Granny and Sgt Cosgrove near the huge buffet table which some of the small toons, such as Sniffles, Sneezer, Sweetie and Speedy are eating the food while Flavio and Marita Hippo take one of everything from the table. Minerva Mink is stood on her own, and drinking what appears to be orange juice and Arnold the Pit Bull is with Arnolda near the entrance. Occasionally, Freakazoid can be seen running around making whooshing noises.Plucky and Shirley enter the ballroom. They are visibly wowed by the formality and the glamour of the event.

Plucky: (Impressed) Man, what a shindig! (To Shirley) It reminds me of the Awards Ceremony I went to the other day!

Shirley: (Dismissively) Like, get real.

Plucky glares at her, before continuing.

Plucky: (Dispassionately) I’m sure you royal folk have been ta much better parties than this.

Shirley: (Bored) Not really. The princess and I have never been invited to a party since the king left. The parties we’ve been to: (she shudders) I’ve seen more entertaining funerals!

Plucky: (Surprised) Really? Shirley nods. (Proudly)Well, don’t worry! You’re going to a party with me: Plucky Duck!

Shirley: (Surprised) Pl-ucky? That’s yer name?

Plucky: Yeah! (To the camera) It took four parts ta reveal it, but go figure. (To Shirley, patronisingly) Why? Don’t YOU have a name? Or is it “lady-in-waiting”?

Shirley: (Defensively) Like, I totally have a name! It’s Shirley…the Loon.

Plucky: (Incredulous) The Loon? Shirley nods. He abruptly bursts out laughing. Shirley turns red with anger.

Shirley: (Angry) Well, at least it ain’t as dumb as Plucky!

Almost as suddenly as it started, Plucky stops laughing.

Plucky: (Bitterly) Touché…

The camera cuts to Jake the Tasmanian Devil, who is running around the dance floor with his superhero doll. Suddenly, he is stopped by Hugh.

Hugh: Whoa there, little man, where’s the fire? Every superhero has ta take a break sometimes.

Jake: (Disappointed) Aww, but Daaaad! I was just about ta save the world!

Hugh: (Chuckles) We-hell, now you can save the OJ supply! Why don’t ya mosey on down ta storage an’ get some more!

Jake: (Sad) Awww… (Suddenly happy) OK!

Hugh: (Looks around) Say, now, where’s your sister?

Jake: Giving the pig who shares a room with the princess a makeover. BYE! He runs offscreen.

Hugh: (Understanding) Ohhh… (In shock) WHAT?!

The camera cuts to the honeymoon suite. We see Molly and Fifi looking at what we can assume to be Hamton with musing expressions. Throughout this scene, Hamton is offscreen.

Fifi: (Cooing) Ohhh, ‘e looks so mignon!

Molly: (Musing) Yeah…but a corset doesn’t suit him.

Hamton: (Offscreen, slightly choked) I’m…glad…you…agree. I…can’t…breathe!

Fifi: (To Hamton) ‘Ere. Let moi ‘elp. She walks offscreen. There is a beat, before with an audible TWANG! The corset flies past Molly like a cork from a bottle.

Hamton: (Gasps) Thanks…

Molly: (Cheerily) Yep, he DEFINITELY looks better without the corset! The blue clashed with his outfit.

Hamton: (Sarcastically, to Molly) I’m TOTALLY glad you thought that.

Fifi walks back into the shot, looking rather satisfied with the pig’s currently unseen appearance. Molly turns to her.

Molly: (To Fifi) Well, he looks way better than before. Now, it’s your turn!

Fifi: (Surprised) Moi? Mais vat eez wrong avec vat ah am wearing?

Molly: I just thought that ya needed a change! Y’know, like you two could be a date- Fifi does a double-take upon hearing this. We can assume that Hamton has done one too. (Backpedalling) Oh, did I say that out loud? Forget I said that. She looks at the camera. (To Fifi and Hamton) ‘Scuse me one moment. She walks up to the camera, appears to hold it, and takes it offside. (To the camera) Okay, first of all: OMG, I’m in a movie, it took me twenty years but I’m on the big screen. Secondly, this is kinda gonna be a big reveal for these two down at the party, so why don’t ya go to the bathroom or get some more snacks ‘cos ya probably ate most of ‘em during the trailers. Buh-bye, now!

Scene 14

Back downstairs, we see Jean the Tasmanian Devil carrying an incredibly tall stack of plates towards the buffet table. Plucky and Shirley, who are waiting in a corner of the ballroom, supposedly for Hamton and Fifi to come down, notice her.

Plucky: (To Shirley, about Jean) Y’know, I think she needs help.

Shirley: (Impressed) Like, Plucky! That’s mondo sweet of you!

Plucky: (Smugly) I know. (Beat) I’m gonna ask her if I can be tonight’s entertainment! He rushes offscreen. Shirley rolls her eyes.

The camera cuts to Jean, who places the tower of plates onto the buffet table.

Jean: (Mops her brow) Phew! Well, that’s the last of them! Now all I have to do is toss the salad, make the finger food, plug in all the speakers for the music that’s ironically hundreds of years before our time, stir the soup and attend the council meeting!

Plucky zooms up to her and adjusts his hat.

Plucky: (To Jean) Sounds like ya need help!

Jean: (To Plucky) Oh, I’m so sorry, dear. The hotel already has a janitor!

Plucky does a slow burn before calming himself down.

Plucky: (Regally) I am the greatest actor in all of France! Here is my card! He hands Jean a bent, torn card.

Jean: (While examining it) France? (To the camera) Oh! Silly me! I thought it was Canada!

Plucky: (Pompously) I am offering you my service to perform at this social gathering, so let’s get down to the nitty-gritty: how much will ya pay me?

Jean is still examining the card. She looks at the duck in front of her after a beat.

Jean: (To Plucky) Did you say something, dear?

Plucky turns to the camera, an exasperated look on his face. Bitterly, he snatches his card from Jean and storms off.

Plucky: (Grumbling to himself) Philistine… (Calms down) Now, don’t give up! He scans the mass of toons in the ballroom. Some of these chumps must have cash ta throw away. He eyes Minerva, who has just finished drinking her orange juice. (To the camera) Perhaps if I butter ‘em up, I can get lucky…in more ways than one.

The camera cuts to Minerva, who is now writing in her diary.

Minerva: (As she writes) Dear diary, I’m making a guest appearance in this movie, and my treatment has been quite good. Apart from that, I’ve been at this party for quite some time and I haven’t found the perfect man: why do they all ignore me?

Plucky strides up to her, a cheesy grin on his face.

Plucky: (To Minerva) Welll, hi there! What’s a nice young lady like you doin’ on her own at a party, huh?

Minerva: (Dismissively) I don’t date second bananas.

Plucky: (To the camera) Stubborn little minx, isn’t she? (He ponders) I know! I’ll just use some chat-up lines I got from “Flirting against Humanity”.

He turns his attention back to Minerva, who still looks unimpressed.

Plucky: (Clears his throat, with complete confidence) I think you may have farted, because you’ve blown me away!

Minerva looks at the camera with undiluted shock. Then, she glowers at the duck, who has his eyes closed with a smug grin on his face. The mink picks up a soup tureen and is just about to tip it when the camera abruptly cuts to Shirley. From offscreen, we can hear a splash and a hiss of steam. The loon cringes.


Shirley: (To the camera) Like, it’s hot in here!

The camera cuts to Taz, who is begrudgingly carrying a bowl of oranges to the buffet table. He is wearing his red bellhop uniform. He sets the bowl down on the table when he hears an annoying voice coming from it.

???: Hey, hey, Tazzie!

Taz just grabs the talking orange and devours it. The orange screams as he chews it. Then, he swallows.

Taz: (To the camera) Taz hate unfunny meme. (Burp)

The camera cuts to Hugh, who is stood near the ballroom door.

Hugh: (To the camera) Alrighty then, that’s enough filler. It’s time for this movie ta move on! He takes out a copy of the script and looks at it. Accordin’ to the screenplay, our leadin’ couple is supposed ta come on down to the party in five, four, three, two…

Suddenly, the door opens behind him and Molly pokes her head in.

Hugh: (To Molly) Well, hi there, sweetie.

Molly: Hi, Dad. The princess an’ her date are ready. They’re gonna come in now. Could ya make an announcement?

Hugh: (To Molly) Sure thing. (To the guests) Okay, everybody. Can I have your attention please?

None of the guests have heard him. They continue to talk amongst themselves.

Hugh: (Calmly) Everybody…

The guests keep talking over him. Suddenly…

Cosgrove: Hey. Cut it out!

Abruptly, everybody goes silent upon hearing the police officer.

Hugh: (To Cosgrove) Thanks very muchly! (To the guests) Listen up everybody. I’d like to thank you all for coming to the party ta have a nice cool glass of OJ…

Guests: (Monotonously) Yay…

Hugh: We have two special guests stayin’ here for one night only. May I introduce you to…uh…? Molly hands him a piece of parchment. (Reading from it) The princess of Paris…and Fleche De Lard!

The guests murmur in wonderment and Shirley does a double take. The doors slowly open as an extravagant fanfare abruptly begins to play. The ballroom is flooded with a bright light which causes everybody to shield their eyes. Two figures stand in the light, their shadows elongating across the floor. We see Fifi wearing her Amazing Three get-up, with enhanced makeup and sparkling red lipstick. She is holding hands with Hamton, who is glowing bright red as everybody looks at him. He is wearing a powder blue tuxedo with matching pants and black shoes. Jake turns off the stage light and the radio so that the bright light and fanfare end.

Hugh: Now that the guests of honour have joined us…let’s boogie!

Some dance music begins to play and everybody retreats to a different corner of the ballroom to converse. Fifi leads a reluctant Hamton to the dance floor as Shirley crosses to them.

Shirley: (Amazed) Like, Fleche De Lard, is that you, or some junk?

Hamton: (Shyly) Yeah…

Fifi: (To Shirley, adjusting her skirt) He cuts such un fine figure dans un tux, no? Et zis dress est trés bien. Ah never wore clothes like zis at un party after mon pére left pour England.

Shirley: Speakin’ of yer dad, we can’t stay here forever, y’know. I reckon Sebastian’ll be hot on our trail.

Fifi: (Scoffs) Shirley, zat lord will never find us ‘ere. Come on. Let us ‘ave some fun before ve start our journey!

Suddenly, Plucky appears next to Shirley. Some of his feathers are missing and his eyes are bloodshot and swollen.

Plucky: (Woozily) If you ask me…I wanna get outta here!

Hamton: (Shocked, to Plucky) Ya can’t be at a party lookin’ like that! Here, let me help! He grabs Plucky and they go into a whirlwind of motion. Occasionally, we see Hamton’s hands reaching out of the whirlwind and holding hairdryers and combs.

Shirley: (To Fifi, as they watch) Like, he’s mondo fast.

Fifi: Eef zat eez vat ‘e eez like when ‘e eez cleaning, ah cannot wait to see vat ‘e eez like in battle…et other places.

The whirlwind of motion ends. Plucky’s jester outfit is all clean, and his feathers are back. He now has a red bow tie.

Plucky: (Admiring himself) He-hey! Not bad! Ya coulda given me a tuxedo, though. Now I can make more job proposals! He rushes offscreen.

Shirley: (To Hamton) Like, the princess and I were just talkin’ about how nimble you are. Ya must be pretty good with a sword!

Hamton: (Surprised) Me? Nimble? E-Everybody in my family can clean that fast! (Thinking) And I’ve never used a sword before…

Fifi: (Holding out her hand) So, Fleche De Lard, shall ve dance?

Hamton: (Thinking) I’ve never danced either… (To Fifi) Uh, heh, heh. Sure! B-But first, how about we get some food? I’ve never eaten REAL food before!

Fifi: Why, certainly! She regards Hamton, a rather sympathetic look crossing her face. (Thinking) Ohhh… ‘e ‘as never ‘ad un proper meal. Zis eez because of zat lord. Ze people are starving!

She follows Hamton to the buffet table. The pig joyfully grabs a plate and fills it within seconds. Fifi and some of the other partygoers watch as he ravenously devours his meal.

Fifi: (To Hamton) Tu ‘ave not eaten dans un trés long time, ‘ave tu?

Hamton: (Swallows a kebab) Not since the king left. I don’t think anyone else living in the city has eaten food as good as this, either! Starvation’s the norm in Paris. It’s become a way of life.

Fifi: (Puts a hand on his shoulder) Do not worry, Fleche De Lard. Once ve get to England et save mon pére, tu et ze whole of France will never go hungry again.

The camera cuts to Arnold and Arnolda, who are dancing to the music. Plucky walks over to them.

Plucky: (Smugly, to Arnold) Evening, tall, dark an’ stupid. How are ya enjoying the party? Arnold growls, but the duck takes no notice. Okay, now listen carefully, Baron von Beefcake. How wouldja like an extremely talented actor such as myself ta work for ya? He notices Arnolda, and does a double take. (To Arnold, about Arnolda) You date cross dressers?

Arnolda punches Plucky in the stomach. The force of the blow sends the duck flying. The camera cuts to Hamton and Fifi. Hamton notices Plucky flying straight for them. He notices that the duck is about to crash into Fifi.

Hamton: (To Fifi) Look out! He tackles her to the ground. Seconds later, Plucky crashes into the buffet table. The impact sends the food flying into the air.

Fifi: (To Hamton, reacting to him being on top of her) Oh, Fleche De Lard! (To the camera) Keen, eez ‘e not? (Winks)

They look up to see the food and drink about to rain down on them. Hamton leaps into the air and starts flailing his arms at the food in fast motion. In two seconds, all the food is back on their plates and he lands neatly on his trotters. He daintily places the plates and bowls back in their proper places.

Hamton: (Relieved) Phew! (To Fifi) Are you alright? He helps her up.

Fifi: Oui, ah am fine. She looks at the food. Tu are trés fast avec cleaning up!

Shirley storms up to Plucky and glowers down at him.

Shirley: (To Plucky, angry)Like, can ya stop bein’ an idiot an’ antagonising everybody?! It’s bad enough Lord Sebastian’s after us without you makin’ us run the risk ‘o’ getting’ kicked out! Besides, I thought you were, like, totally making a low profile!

Plucky: (To Shirley, dazed) None of these philistines are aware of the fact that I’m acting! Arnold suddenly walks up and kicks the duck away in anger. We hear an offscreen crash. The camera cuts to Plucky, who lies in a corner next to Granny and Mary. (Groans) This prophecy hates me…

Mary: (To the camera) Hey, I’m in a movie those rabbits got left out of! (Smugly) Now, THAT’S progress.

The camera cuts back to Hamton and Fifi. The skunkette princess notices the music that has been playing.

Fifi: (To Hamton) Well, eet seems zat tu ‘ave ‘ad un bon meal! She gestures to the dance floor. Now, ah believe zat eet eez time to dance!

Hamton gulps. It is painfully obvious that he does not want to boogie.

Hamton: (Chuckles nervously, to Fifi) I-I’d love to, princess but…I gotta go! To Fifi’s disappointment, he turns on his heel and begins to run. The camera abruptly cuts to Jean, who has a microphone in her hand.

Jean: Uh…is this thing on? She blows into the mic and cringes at the sound of the feedback. (To the camera) It’s on. (To the guests) Okay, everybody! We’ve got a song that was ironically composed and performed hundreds of years after this period in time. I hope you all dance ta this one! It’s Kool Aid…uh, that can’t be right…

# Get Down on It – Kool and the Gang

As the song begins to kick in, Hamton suddenly freezes, mid-run. Fifi is delighted to see this. The pig is dumbfounded by what is happening to him. We get a view of his trotter. It begins to tap in synchronisation to the beat. As this happens, he begins to turn around to see Fifi. Her hips are swaying to the beat and her tail is swishing teasingly. She winks at Hamton, before swinging her arm as if she has a lasso. She then makes a throwing motion in his direction. Hamton’s lower body constricts slightly as if he has been caught by a real lasso. Fifi begins to make pulling motions with both arms. Hamton is dragged by an invisible force back onto the dance floor and towards Fifi. He is blushing profusely. He finally reaches her and she seductively “removes” the invisible lasso.

Fifi: (Seductively) Going somewhere, big boy?

She begins to dance in front of him. Hamton just stands there, looking embarrassed. He looks around the ballroom. We see Freakazoid wearing a white leisure suit and dancing disco-style. Then we see Flavio dancing the tango with Marita while Minerva appears to be grinding on Cosgrove, who just stands there, not affected at all.

Hamton: (Thinking) Well, there’s always a first time for everything!

Slowly, he begins to join Fifi, trying to copy her dance moves. At first he looks nervous, until Fifi dances closer to him and takes his hands. Hamton reacts as if he’s been electrocuted for five seconds before a look of pure undiluted pleasure crosses his face. His fear appears to leak out of him. He suddenly begins to dance rather extravagantly in kind. Fifi is pleased to see this and she starts to dance in that same style that she was doing when she “lassoed” Hamton onto the dance floor. The camera cuts to Plucky and Shirley. They’re the only ones who aren’t dancing.

Plucky: (About Fifi) Y’know, that’s not very princess-like behaviour. (About Hamton) I wonder how many laws he’s breaking just by being THAT close to the princess.

Shirley: Like, mellow out. It’s a party! She gestures to the dance floor. Ya wanna cut the rug, or some junk?

Plucky: (Shrugs his shoulders) If ya wanna.

They make their way onto the dance floor, hold hands and begin to boogie. They dance past Fifi and Hamton, who are getting a bit “close”. Fifi’s tail is wrapping around Hamton’s body and his arms are wrapping around her waist. In fact, even some of the guests are noticing this. Hugh and Jean stand in a corner of the room, watching the pig and skunkette as their dance becomes seemingly more and more risqué.

Hugh: (To Jean, about Fifi and Hamton) Y’know, I’m sure this movie’s rated PG, muffin.

Regardless, they watch as their guests enjoy themselves. There doesn’t appear to be anything that could ruin the mood of the party. The camera abruptly cuts to the streets of Paris. The palace guards walk around the city, hammering posters onto each building they come across. We do not get a chance to see what is on these posters, but we can assume that they are acting under Sebastian’s orders.

Scene 15

A rather modern clock on the ballroom wall above the door strikes twelve. The OJ party is over, and we can see Taz spinning around, eating most of the mess that has been left behind rather than cleaning it up. Freakazoid and Cosgrove leave the ballroom together.

Cosgrove: Hey, Freakazoid. D’ya wanna build a snowman?

Freakazoid: (Ecstatic) DO I?! (Flatly) No.

Cosgrove: Neither did I.

The camera pans away from them to focus on Hamton, Fifi, Plucky and Shirley as they walk into the foyer and head towards the stairs.

Shirley: Like, that was SOME party, huh?

Plucky: (Dismissively) Huh. I’ve been ta better ones.

Shirley rolls her eyes upon hearing this statement. She then notices Hamton, who is looking rather nervous, despite displaying his seemingly newfound confidence whilst dancing with Fifi.

Shirley: (Nonchalantly, to Hamton) Like, I didn’t know you were such a great dancer, Fleche De Lard. Snappy dresser, too.

Hamton swallows hard and doesn’t answer.

Hamton: (Thinking) Oh, no. They saw that?! (Beat) Oh, yeah, EVERYONE saw that! What’re people gonna think of me?

Fifi: (In response to Shirley’s question) Oui, zat ‘e is! (Addressing the group) Alright. Tomorrow, ve set off pour England-

Plucky: (Interrupting) It IS tomorrow.

Fifi: Oh, oui. (Beat) Dans un few hours, ve set off pour England. Mon pére needs to know vat zat Sebastian eez planning. ‘Is life depends on us reaching ‘im before anything ‘appens! Ve ‘ave ‘ad our fun. Ah say zat ve should all get un good night’s rest. Ve shall need it!

Hamton: (Saluting) A-Anything you say, princess!

Plucky: (Shrugs) Need my beauty sleep anyway.

They walk up the stairs. The camera cuts to a corridor. We can assume that their rooms are in this part of the hotel. Shirley and Plucky unlock the door to their room and go inside. Fifi and Hamton proceed to the room next door to the waterfowl. Fifi unlocks and opens the door to their room.

Hamton: (To Fifi) Well, see you in a few hours, your highness! He turns and begins to walk back down the corridor towards the stairs. Fifi watches him leave with a puzzled look on her face.

Fifi: (Calling after him) Fleche De Lard? Tu sleep avec moi, remember?

Hamton freezes. He zips back up to Fifi.

Hamton: (Embarrassed chuckle) Oh, right. Well, let’s go in!

They enter the honeymoon suite once more. The moon is shining in through the huge window. The large heart-shaped bed looks incredibly inviting…in more ways than one.

Hamton: (Yawns) Gee-whizz. My first night in a proper bed! He sits down on it and bounces slightly. Cosy…

Fifi looks around the room, supposedly, for some nightclothes. The only clothes in the room are her princess dress and Hamton’s rags. A mischievous grin crosses her face.

Fifi: (In mock surprise) Sacré bleu! Ah do not ‘ave any sleeping clothes! (Deliberately loud) Ah suppose zat ah shall ‘ave to sleep naked!

Hamton does a double take upon hearing this. He begins to sweat profusely.

Fifi: (To Hamton) Could tu unzip ma dress, Fleche De Lard?

Hamton gulps for the second time this evening. Reluctantly, he gets off the bed and crosses over to Fifi. With trembling hands, he takes hold of the zip on the back of the dress with one hand, and clamps the other hand on Fifi’s side. He starts quivering, which causes Fifi to vibrate rather violently.

Hamton: (In shock upon realizing) Oh! Sorry, princess! He lessens the shaking, and Fifi stops vibrating. A rather blissful look crosses her face before she shakes her head.

Fifi: Oh, non, zat’s quite alright. There is a beat as Hamton unzips the Amazing Three dress. Fleche De Lard?

Hamton: Y-Yes, princess?

Fifi: Tu do not ‘ave to refer to moi as un princess all ze time. Ma real name is Fifi!

Hamton: Fifi? The skunkette nods. That sure is a pretty name. He claps a hand over his mouth upon saying this.

Fifi: (Touched) Do tu really think so?

Hamton: Um… (Beat) …Yes. Yes, I do.

Fifi: Aww. Tu are so sweet. (Beat) Tu call moi Fifi from now on. (Teasingly) Zat eez un royal order!

Hamton: (Giggles) Sure thing, Pri- uh, Fifi! The zip is finally undone, and Fifi begins to remove it slowly. I guess, since we’re on the subject of names… I know it’s against the law to give orders to a member of the royal family…

Fifi: (Interrupting) Do not worry. Ah shall make un exception. She winks.

Hamton: G-Good! Well, is it alright if you call me Hamton from now on?

Fifi: (Musing) Hamtone?

Hamton: Uh, yeah.

Fifi: Why, certainly… HAMTONE!

They both giggle. Hamton steps back as Fifi begins to remove her skirt and tights. He blushes and sweats profusely.

Hamton: Ya want me ta close my eyes?

Fifi: (Confused) Why eez zat?

Hamton: Well, yer…y’know. He scratches the back of his head. I, uh, only met ya this morning!

Fifi: Pour some reason, ah do not feel uncomfortable doing zis in front of tu. Tu are special.

Hamton: Nah…He does a bashful little kick. I’m a peasant.

Fifi: (Taking his hands) Vat difference does zat make? Tu are un citizen of France, are tu not?

Hamton: (Protesting) B-But Sebastian said-

Fifi: (Interrupting) Sebastian tried to capture us et ‘e eez planning to take over. Ah do not think zat vat ‘e says eez important. Do tu?

Hamton: No…

Fifi: Zere tu go! She strokes Hamton’s pointy ear, making him shiver pleasurably. Anyway, tu shall be sleeping next to moi naked.

Hamton: Oh, yeah. I will.

As Fifi takes off her high heels and gets into the bed, Hamton decides to take off his blue tuxedo and pants.

Hamton: (As he does this) So…Fifi. While your father was around…did you ever have any…hobbies?

Fifi: (Puzzled) ‘Obbies?

Hamton: (Awkward chuckle) Yeah, ‘obbies. Like, musical ones, y’know?

Fifi: Musique… (Brightly) Oh, oui! Ah did! Before mon pére left pour ‘is vacances…ah used to play ze harp.

Hamton: (Untying his shoes) The harp? Fifi nods. Gosh. That’s such a pretty instrument!

Fifi: (Giggles) Ah know. Ah used to play eet on special occasions. (Wistfully) Mon pére loved to hear moi play…

Hamton: (Dreamily) So would I…

Fifi: Would tu?

Hamton: Sure I would!

Fifi: (Thinking) Un hero…et un gentleman! ‘E eez more zan vat zose other princes could ever be! (To Hamton) Vat about tu? Did tu play any musique?

Hamton: Me?! Fifi nods. Well, yeah, I did. But the instrument I played wasn’t as beautiful as the harp… (To the camera) And it wasn’t even invented yet.

Fifi: (Genuinely interested) Vat was eet?

Hamton: It was the tuba. Before the king left ta go on vacation, I used to play it on the streets. I hoped that people would give me money to feed myself and my parents. The only special occasions were when my dad found a scrap of food.

Fifi: (Compassionately) Oh, mon dieu. Zat eez horrible!

Hamton: Not a lot of people liked my tuba playing. Can’t blame ‘em, though. It’s not as beautiful as a harp.

Fifi: Ah do not think so! Hamton is taken aback by this. Next to ze harp, ze tuba eez mon favorite instrument.

Hamton: Aw, yer just sayin’ that…

Fifi: Non, Hamtone. Ah am not. Ze tuba eez un beautiful instrument. Eet eez robust, yet mellow at ze same time. Ah love zat. Et ah would love to hear tu play eet.

Hamton: (Touched) Th-Thank you, pri- Fifi. He takes off his shoes and gets into bed next to her. Y’know… nah, it’s a dumb idea…

Fifi: Vat eez?

Hamton: Well…I was just thinking…Just! M-Maybe, we could play a…duet? Once this quest to England is over, that is.

Fifi ponders about this. Finally, she gives her answer.

Fifi: Oui. Oui, ah would like zat.

Hamton: Then again, tubas and harps don’t mix, do they?

Fifi: (Seductively) Zen we shall make sure zat zey do! Just like princesses et peasants. She blushes after saying this.

Hamton: Yeah. (More confidently) Yeah! Then, someday, you could let me play your G-string! He instantly realizes what he had just said. He turns red with embarrassment. Wh-What I meant to say is…

Fifi: (Playfully) Et tu would let moi blow your tuba.

Hamton’s embarrassment ebbs away as he hears her say this. He suddenly begins to giggle. Fifi joins in with her mirth. As they begin to laugh, the camera pans away, and fades to the room next door. Shirley and Plucky are on all-fours, their ears pressed to the wall. We can hear the muffled laughter of the pig and skunkette faintly.

Plucky: (To the camera) Still a better love story than Twilight.


“Let’s all go to the lobby (again), let’s all go to the lobby (again)…”

Fleche De Lard will continue in Part 5.

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