Fleche De Lard


Welcome back to Part 5 of:

Fleche De Lard

Scene 16

The sun rises over the city of Paris. The camera slowly pans down to the entrance of Le Vraiment, Vraiment Riche Hôtel as the doors open and Hugh walks out. He takes a deep breath of air…and chokes on it. After ten seconds of coughing, he looks down to see a poster, similar to the ones that the palace guards were placing all over town. He picks it up and reads it. We do not see what is on it. Judging by Hugh’s widening eyes, it’s something quite shocking. He looks up from the poster to the camera.

Hugh: (Good-naturedly, to the camera) Well, well, well, it seems those four friends are four fugitives! He walks back into the foyer with the poster in his hands. I think I’ll just head on in an’ tell ‘em the bad news!

The camera cuts to the foyer as Fifi, Hamton, Plucky and Shirley hurry down the stairs. Hamton and Fifi are dressed in their respective normal attires.

Hugh: (To the quartet) Ah! Just the four I wanted ta see. He holds up the poster. Are you aware of-?

Fifi: (Interrupting as they pass) Merci beaucoup pour letting us stay ‘ere, monsieur.

Shirley: (Hurriedly) Like, we’ll totally pay some time after the events of the movie.

Hamton: (Hurriedly) That was a great OJ party!

Plucky: I got nothing.

Hugh: (Calling after them, waving the poster) Hey! Hold your horses! The group doesn’t answer. They walk out of the door without looking back. It slams behind them. (To the camera) Well, ya can’t say I didn’t try. He picks up a golf club from offscreen. I think I’ll go have my break.

He walks offscreen, humming. The camera cuts to the streets. It is a beautiful morning. People are outside, going about their daily business. We can see the quartet walking hastily through the crowd. As they pass different townspeople, the people halt and stare at them incredulously, before turning to look at a familiar poster on a wall.

Hamton: (As they walk) It sure is busier in town today. We’ll be able ta hide in the crowd!

Plucky: (Sarcastically) Yeah, a princess, a janitor, an actor and a lady-in-waiting walk among the commoners! Sebastian’ll never find us now! (To the camera) Even the description sounds like a joke!

Fifi: Regardless, ve must leave Paris by tonight! ‘Opefully, we will not run into any of zose guards while ve are ‘ere.

Shirley: (Warily) Like, is it just me, or is everything gettin’ real quiet?

The loon is correct. Slowly, the sounds of hustling and bustling are beginning to dwindle as more and more people stop and gape at them one by one. The quartet begin to grow nervous as a deathly silence hangs over the city. Finally, they stop and slowly turn around. We get an enormous shot of hundreds upon thousands of peasants looking at the camera with blank faces and bulging eyes. Every toon, big or small, fat or thin, is gaping at the quartet. The camera begins to slowly pan around to focus on Fifi, Hamton, Plucky and Shirley as they react to millions of pairs of eyes looking at them as if they’ve turned into frogs.

Plucky: (Indignantly) It’s not very polite ta stare, y’know!

The silence goes on. The quartet slowly begins to back away. The townspeople don’t move. It is as if they are under some sort of trance.

Shirley: Could ya stop that ogling, please? It’s totally creepin’ me out!

Once again, there is no response. However, every peasant simultaneously takes out a poster, looks at it, then at the group of four. Then, they look at it again, and then at the group of four. One voice suddenly rings out like a trumpet.

Peasant: (From the back of the crowd) IT’S THEM!!

Abruptly, every peasant brandishes either a club, a pitchfork, a mace or a fiery torch. With a resounding yell, they charge towards the camera. It cuts to the quartet, who each do an eye-popping double take as they scream in horror. They turn on the spot and their feet spin like wheels for five seconds until they dart offscreen. Seconds later, the mob thunders past. The air is pierced with the thundering of millions of feet and angry shouting. The camera cuts to Hamton, Fifi, Plucky and Shirley as they run in terror. We can see the hordes of furious peasants chasing them.

Hamton: (As they run) Wh-What’s got into everybody?! Paris is usually pretty seedy but you’d think they’d draw the line at this sorta behaviour!

Plucky: (As they run) I’ve seen this before! They’re all peeved at the fact that they’re extras, so they get paid less than we do! They’re takin’ it out on us!

Fifi: (As they run) Ah do not think zat eez eet! Ah think zey are revolting!

Shirley: (Looks back as she runs) Like, some of ‘em are!

They come to an alley and quickly run into it. They hide behind some barrels. The camera cuts to the mob as they run past the alley. Fifi, Hamton, Plucky and Shirley crouch behind the barrels and crates, their eyes closed tightly, not daring to breathe. After a beat, the yelling becomes fainter.

Shirley: (Terrified whisper) Like…are they gone?

Hamton: (Gulps) I-I’ll check whether the coast is clear… Extremely reluctantly, he begins to stand up and reveal himself from behind his hiding place. The alley is empty, and the street at the end of it is like a ghost town. (To Fifi) Th-there’s nobody there. We’d better get outta- He freezes in shock at something we cannot see.

Fifi: (Slowly standing up to join Hamton, concerned) Vat? Vat eez eet, Hamtone?

Without answering, Hamton points offscreen. Fifi looks in the direction he’s pointing and is equally shocked. The camera cuts to a poster on the alley wall. The poster has black and white mug shots of the quartet on it. The words on the poster say:




Shirley and Plucky are now looking at the poster as well. Plucky looks rather annoyed.

Plucky: (Vexed) $0.99?! I’m worth millions more than that! (To the camera) And it’s the wrong currency for this country AND this period in time.

Hamton: (Nervous) King Sebastian? B-But I thought he was a lord!

Fifi: (Darkly) ‘E eez…

Shirley: (Shocked) Like, we’re too late! He’s already taken over!

Fifi: (Bitterly) Non, ‘e ‘as not. Ve must reach England tout suite. Mon pére eez still alive. Sebastian will pay pour zis…

Hamton: But if the prophecy the crystal ball showed us is true, your dad won’t be alive for long unless we reach England before anything happens, we’ll hafta get going, now-

???: (Offscreen, ominously) Ohhhh, no. The four of you aren’t going anywhere.

The quartet look up from the poster in shock. The camera cuts to the alleyway’s entrance. Montana Max, wearing peasant clothing,is blocking what appears to be the only way out. The quartet are cornered.

Max: (Rubbing his hands together) This is perfect! All I hafta do is hand you over to the king, an’ I’ll be richer than I am in real life!

Shirley: (Hostile) Like, that’s what you think, gap-teeth!

Fifi: (Reproachfully) Shirley! (To Max) Sebastian eez not ze king, citizen. Mon pére eez.

Max: (Dismissively) Some monarch he turned out ta be! He walked out on us ta go on vacation an’ left us ta starve under the Royal Council!

Fifi growls and her tail rises upon hearing the brat insult her father. However, Hamton interjects.

Hamton: (To Max) But the ringleader behind our suffering has taken over the throne illegally! If you hate him, why are you and the whole city tryin’ ta turn us in?

Max ponders for a beat, before answering.

Max: Well, I’m mostly driven by my inherent greed, but the rest of the city need that money ta survive! The four of you are MY ticket ta Las Vegas!

Plucky: (Condescendingly) What makes ya think he’ll do that? He’s a politician!

Hamton: (Desperate) He’s not gonna pay you even if ya do catch us! He’s a VILLAIN!

Max: (Laughs) Nice try, pork-belly! Ya think I’m gonna let you go because of that? He points accusingly at Plucky and Hamton. I know exactly what the two of you are up to! The princess is walkin’ out on us too, and you’re suckin’ up to her so that she’ll take ya with her!

Suddenly, Skippy peers down at the quartet from the roof of one of the buildings.

Skippy: (Excitedly, pointing) Aunt Slappy, I found ‘em!

Slappy appears and looks down at the quartet as well. A triumphant smirk crosses her face.

Slappy: Good job, Skippy! She rubs her hands. (Greedily to Fifi, Hamton, Plucky and Shirley) You yutzes are my ticket to a milk bath!

Max: (Angrily to Slappy) Hey, back off, Grandma! I saw ‘em first!

Slappy: (Indignantly to Max) Hey! Respect yer elders, ya snot-nosed toerag!

The camera cuts to Max. He’s about to retort when he is hit on the head by a barrel which breaks upon impact. He is knocked down, stars circling his head. The camera pans to Shirley, whose right hand is glowing with a pink aura. Hamton, Fifi and Plucky are shocked by this, but the loon takes no notice.

Shirley: Like, c’mon! Let’s get outta here!

They begin to run out of the alley, stepping over Max’s prone form.

Skippy: (Pointing) Aunt Slappy, they’re getting away!

Slappy: (Grimly) No, they aren’t, Skippy! I just hope we can get ‘em before those other chumps…

The camera cuts to the quartet as they run out of the alley and through the street.

Plucky: (To Shirley, as they run) Ya made that barrel float! You really are a witch!

Shirley: (To Plucky, as they run, angrily) If we weren’t runnin’ for our lives, I’d zap you for sayin’ that!

Hamton: (As they run) I-I’ve got an idea! …And a stitch…

Fifi: (As they run) Tell us quickly, Hamtone!

Hamton: (Pants) We’ll split up! (To Plucky) You’re with the lady-in-waiting going…He points to the right. That way! (To Fifi) Fifi…you’re with me!

Plucky: (To Hamton, indignantly) Hey! Why do YOU wanna go with the- yikes! An arrow has been fired and flies over his head. They all look back to see Skippy with a bow and a quiver full of arrows. Slappy is alongside him. Never mind. C’mon, Shirley!

As they come to a street corner, Shirley and Plucky run to the right and Fifi and Hamton go left. The camera follows the pig and skunkette as they flee through the city. Several peasants notice them running, and begin to chase them. Fifi suddenly notices another opening to an alleyway.

Fifi: (To Hamton, grabbing his hand) Zis way!

She suddenly pulls him offscreen.

Hamton: (As he’s being yanked) Whoa! They are in an alley that has a wooden fence with a hole in it. Fifi, with all due respect, we’ve tried hiding in a place like this and we were nearly caught!

Fifi: (Hurriedly) Ah know, mais zere are more places to hide. Zere eez less of a chance of zem finding us ‘ere!

Unfortunately, Fifi is wrong. Looking down at them from a thatched roof are Bobby, Squit and Pesto the Goodfeathers.

Squit: (To the camera) As far back as I can remember…

Pesto: (Interrupting, angry) Shaddap, jus’ shaddap! Do yous hafta say dat every time we appear?!

Squit: Well, I…

Pesto: (Interrupting, angry) Ahhh, shut yer beak before I give yous a knuckle sandwich!

Bobby glares at Pesto, who subsides. They look down at the two fugitives who are trying frantically to find a hiding place.

Bobby: Look, it’s dose bozos from the Wanted posters. If we toin ‘em in to da king, we’ll be able ta buy all da boidseed in da woild for our goils.

Pesto: Hey, yeah. (To Squit) Okay, bozo. You swoop on down dere, pick ‘em up an’ take ‘em to da king’s joint!

Squit: Uhhh, I dunno, Pesto. I don’t think I’m strong enough. How about you fly on down an’ get ‘em. You’re pretty strong.

Pesto abruptly turns and stares Squit down, beak to beak.

Pesto: (Antagonising) Whadda you tryin’ ta say, HUH?! Dat I’m all brawn an’ no brain, dat I’m some iron-pumpin’ beefcake who can’t t’ink?!

Squit: Th-That’s not it at all, I-

Pesto: Well, I’ll show ya! Two goldmines comin’ right up! He swoops down from the thatched roof. (To the camera) Dis looks like a job… for da big feet! He blows into his wing, and his feet grow larger and talons sprout from them. (To the camera) Ohh, yeah!

The camera cuts to Fifi and Hamton, who are crouching behind barrels as angry peasants pass the opening to the alley.

Fifi: (Whispering, to Hamton) Alright, Hamtone. Eef ve are trés careful, ve might be able to reach zat fence at ze end et hide zere…

Pesto flies above Fifi and Hamton, hovering in mid-air, he floats from side to side as if he were a claw machine. Finally, he stops over the pig and flies down. His talons grasp the pig’s shoulders with a vise-like grip.

Hamton: (In shock) What the-?! Fifi turns to hush him, but gapes in shock as she sees Pesto beginning to carry Hamton off.

Pesto: (Triumphantly) Hah! I did it! I got da janitor! Bobby, help me lift ‘um, he weighs a tonne!

Hamton: (Indignant, to Pesto) Hey! That’s not very nice! (To Fifi) HELP!

Fifi: (Furious, to Pesto) Put ‘im down tout suite! Zat eez un Royal order!

Pesto: (Mockingly, to Fifi) Hah! You ain’t da boss of us! (To Bobby and Squit) Da king’ll pay a good price for da janitor, now go get da princess!

Flapping his wings, he carries Hamton as high as the thatched roof.

Hamton: (Struggling, to Pesto) Put me down, ya don’t understand! Sebastian’s not the king! He’s gonna take over France!

Pesto: (Dismissively) Ahh, whadda we care? We’re pigeons! We just want da money!

Fifi growls and bares her teeth at Hamton’s captor. As Bobby and Pesto prepare to pick her up as well, she suddenly lifts up her tail, turns her back to them and bends over, stamping her feet. Hamton and the three pigeons watch with a mixture of anxiousness and confusion.

Squit: (To the camera) Ohhh, this can’t be good.

Abruptly, the camera cuts to a view of Paris from the rooftops. Suddenly, a mushroom-cloud of green gas appears in the distance, not making a sound at all. The camera cuts back to the alleyway, which is now enshrouded in a green fog. Bobby, Squit and Pesto have gone limp and look nauseated with the stink. Hamton, on the other hand has an extremely blissful look on his face as he smells the musk as if it’s a perfume. Fifi just looks up at the three pigeons, a satisfied smirk on her face.

Pesto: (Groggily) Geez Louise… (Chokes) Dat ain’t natural… He passes out in mid-air, releasing Hamton from his talons in the process.

As the pig plummets to the ground, we enter his subconscious once more as the green fumes morph into hands which catch him, gently cushioning his fall. The song The Look of Love by Dusty Springfield begins to play as Hamton is carried by the musk hands through a psychedelic landscape with love hearts floating through the air. Hamton takes a deep breath and sighs contentedly. He looks offscreen and his eyes turn into love hearts as he sees that the misty hand is taking him to Fifi. The skunkette blows a kiss to him and stretches out her fluffy tail. It wraps around Hamton like a blanket and carries him gently towards her. He reaches her and she wraps her tail around herself, bringing herself extremely close to Hamton.

Fifi: (Softly whispering) Hamtone…. Hamtone…. Hamtone….

The fantasy suddenly begins to blur as it is coming to an end. We get a view of the sky from the ground. Fifi is dominating the camera, looking down at something we cannot see.

Fifi: (Urgently) Hamtone? Hamtone!

The camera cuts to Hamton, who is lying on Fifi’s tail and his head is cradled in her hands. Slowly he begins to wake up. The green mist is still there.

Hamton: (Moans happily, to Fifi) Do that again.

Fifi: (Confused) Do vat again?

Hamton: (Drunkenly) Spray me with your scent of love!

Fifi: (Thinking) ‘E likes ma musk? Zat eez interesting… (To Hamton) Ah have good news, Hamtone. Ah ‘ave made un, how-you-say, smokescreen avec ma musk!

Hamton: (Intoxicated) A smokescreen? To Fifi’s surprise, he jumps to his feet. Wonderful! Nobody shall find us now!

Fifi: (Hushes sternly) Zey vill eef tu do not keep your voice down! She takes his hand. Come along. Ve ‘ave to get to zat fence!

Hamton: Fence? What fence?

The camera pans upwards, through the green fog. It gives us a bird’s-eye view of the city, before panning back down to another street.

Scene 17

On this particular street, we see Shirley and Plucky crouched behind a corner as some mace-wielding peasants search for them in the distance.

Shirley: (Whispering, to Plucky) Like, we can’t hide like this forever! We hafta get outta Paris. How’re we gonna get past those guys?

Plucky: (Whispering, to Shirley) Okay, listen. I got a plan. It’s gonna be really risky, because ya don’t have much acting skills as I do, but we’re gonna search for ourselves!

Shirley: (Confused) Say what?

The camera cuts to Concorde Condor, who is also searching for the fugitives as the other peasants leave. In the background, we can see Plucky’s clothes flying out from behind the street corner.

Concorde: Duuuuh, still no sign of them, nope, nope. He throws his mace offscreen. We hear a clank and a cry of pain. Oh, well, we tried.

Suddenly, two figures appear from around the corner. They are Plucky and Shirley. They both have moustaches and wear rather colourful attires with pumpkin pants and tiny fezzes with feathers in them. Concorde and the other peasants look at them with bemusement.

Plucky: (Dramatically) What-ho, peasants!

Concorde: (Confused) Duuuuh, who are you?

Plucky: (Points to himself, dramatically) I am Not-Unfunny Jester! He points at Shirley. (Flatly) And this is Not-Witch.

Concorde: Ohhhh… (To Plucky) Uh, why does Not-Witch have a moustache?

Shirley looks desperately at Plucky for an answer. Plucky ponders for a beat.

Plucky: Not-Witch used ta be a guy! Shirley stares at him with a mixture of shock and outrage. Buuut… For reasons that cannot be elaborated on in a PG-rated movie, she decided ta be a woman, but some…male…parts…remained?

He and Shirley grin nervously. We can see sweat trickling down their foreheads. Concorde stares intently at them, stroking his beak while he does this.

Concorde: Seems legit ta me, yup, yup.

Plucky and Shirley breathe a sigh of relief. Concorde takes out a Wanted poster and shows it to them.

Concorde: Say, uh, have you seen these guys? The king wants ‘em dead or alive… (To the camera) Preferably alive because there’d be no story.

Shirley: (To Concorde) Like, are you talkin’ about Sebastian? Concorde nods. He’s mondo bad news. He an’ the Royal Council are gonna take over all of France. I saw it in my cry- She immediately stops herself as Concorde looks at her suspiciously. I, uh, I mean that I…just…know.

Concorde looks at the two disguised waterfowl, then at the Wanted poster.

Concorde: (To Plucky) Duh, the poster says that one of the fugitives is an unfunny jester…an’ yer name is Not-Unfunny jester.

Plucky: (Nervously defensive) Yeah. What’s it to ya?

Concorde: (To Plucky) It’s jus’ that since yer name is Not-Unfunny jester, that means yer a funny jester.

Shirley: (Snarky) Like, no he isn’t. She covers her mouth as Plucky glares at her.

Concorde: So…he’s, uh, an unfunny jester?

Plucky: (Desperately) NO! I’m Not-Unfunny jester!

Concorde: So you’re Not-Unfunny jester…but according to Not-Witch, you’re not funny, which, uh, means that your name implies that you’re funny, but yer not. So there’s a binary opposition in yer name because your name says yer funny, but in reality, yer not, so there’s a different interpretation for what yer called…

Plucky: (To the camera) I thought this guy was dumb. Now, I’m not Saussure.

We hear a rim shot.

Concorde: …So with that logic in mind, (To Shirley) yer name is Not-Witch, but in reality, yer a witch! Suddenly he freezes. After a beat, a penny falls down from offscreen and lands on his head. (Excitedly, pointing at Plucky andShirley) Duuuuh, hey, I found ‘em! I FOUND-OOF! He has been kicked away by Plucky. The two fowl begin to run for their lives.

Plucky: (Angrily, to Shirley as they run) The idea was not ta blow our cover!

Shirley: (To Plucky) Like, I’m sorry, okay!

Plucky: I suppose the only consolation if WE get caught is that all this bad stuff won’t happen ta me anymore!

Shirley: Like, no. (Beat) We’ll both be executed!!

Plucky: (To the camera) Oh, yeah… (Screams) RUN FASTER!!

They race past the alleyway with the green musk cloud emanating from it and offscreen. We hear the sounds of tires squealing, before they walk backwards into the shot, the beeping sound of a truck reversing is heard.

Plucky: (Sniffs the air and then retches) What the heck is that smell?!

Shirley: (Turning green) Ohhh… Like, that is dis-gusting! She looks at the green musk cloud. (Sickly) Like, hey! (Chokes) I can’t see through it! We can totally hide in it!

Plucky: (Horrified) WHAT?! We’ll die in there!!

Shirley: (Grimly) Well, like, it’s better than dyin’ out here! She grabs the duck and drags him into the depths of the musk. Immediately, their eyes begin to water.

The camera pans ahead to Fifi, who hears retching and groaning and turns in horror to hear the source of the noise. Hamton, on the other hand, does not look like he cares at all what happens to him. He is staring at the skunkette in front of him, an unsubtly blissful look on his face.

Fifi: (Gasps) Someone eez coming! (To Hamton) Hurry! Ve must get to ze fence! She takes the pig’s hand. Hamton shivers with pleasure in reaction to this.

Hamton: (Dreamily) Your hand is so soft…and warm…

Fifi: Merci, mais zere eez no time! (To the camera) Le sigh. When ah am willing to receive some love, ‘e eez too shy. When ‘e eez feeling amorous, ve are running pour our lives.

She leads Hamton through the alley, constantly looking back as she hears the clattering of barrels behind them. The camera pans ahead of them. Through the smelly green fog, we can see the fence a few yards away. There is a hole big enough for them to fit through. Fifi runs and leaps through the hole with no problems. However, she is suddenly yanked back on the other side. The camera zooms out to reveal that Hamton is stuck halfway through the hole.

Fifi: Mais non! (To the camera) Ah am sure something like zis ‘as ‘appened before. Frantically, she takes Hamton by the hands and begins to try to pull him out. The pig shows no sign of helping: he gazes lovingly at her.

Hamton: (Giggles) I prefer honey on my bread rather than condensed milk.

On the other side of the fence, we see Hamton’s behind blocking the hole. Shirley and Plucky stagger through the mist, choking and retching as they go. Plucky suddenly bumps into the pig’s derriere.

Shirley: (Holding her beak) Like, what’s that?

Plucky: (Coughs) I dunno. Feels weird… He reaches offscreen.

The camera cuts to Fifi trying to pull Hamton out of the hole in the fence. We suddenly hear a squeak. Hamton’s blissful expression abruptly goes from shocked, to fury. We hear a crunching noise offscreen. To Fifi’s surprise, Hamton pulls himself out of the hole and they look through it.

Hamton: (Livid) NEVER touch THAT area!

The camera shows us a view through the hole. Shirley stands there looking shocked. Plucky, on the other hand, sits on the ground, stars circling his head.

Plucky: (Babyish voice) C’mon, George, tell us more about the rabbits! He faints.

Fifi: (To Hamton, happily) Hamtone, tu are back to normal!

Hamton: (Surprised, to Fifi) Normal? Aren’t I usually?

Fifi: (To Hamton) Well, tu were… (Beat) Ah shall tell tu later.

Shirley: Like, Fifi, Fleche De Lard! Yer both okay! She climbs through the hole in the fence to join them.

Fifi: (To Shirley) Only just. Some of ze people tried to catch us. Ah had to use ma musk. (Under her breath) Eet ‘ad un interesting effect on Hamtone, though.

Hamton: The people want that reward money real bad. I don’t think Sebastian’ll even give them anything if we get caught.

Fifi: Ah do not want to find out, either. (Ponders) We cannot keep hiding like zis. We will never reach England if zis keeps up.

Shirley: (Nauseous) Like, can we continue this discussion somewhere that totally doesn’t stink ta high heaven?

Before Fifi can reply, we see a manhole cover lift up. Hamton, Fifi and Shirley turn to look at it nervously. We hear meowing, and see the subtitled translation at the bottom of the screen. The skunkette, pig and loon read the subtitles. For the benefit of the readers, the translations shall be shown in brackets.

???: (Quickly, down here!)

Hamton: (To ???) With all due respect, how d’we know this isn’t a trap?

???: (Trust me! It’s much better than bein’ up here!)

Fifi: (To Hamton and Shirley) We shall ‘ave to trust ‘im. ‘E eez right. We ‘ave less of un chance being caught…down zere than up ‘ere.

With that, the manhole’s cover opens completely as Fifi, Shirley and Hamton run up to it and climb down. The cover closes once more. There is a beat before the cover opens up again. Hamton climbs out and runs towards the fence. He reaches through the hole, picks up Plucky’s prone form, runs back to the manhole and throws the duck down it. Then, the manhole cover closes, just as the musk cloud begins to fade away.

We see nothing but darkness. However, we can hear water dripping in the distance.

Shirley: Well, like, nobody’ll find us down here. Including us!

???: (Hold on, I’ll get the light.)

A lantern is lit. We can see that Furball the Cat is holding it.

Furball: (You do know that the whole of Paris is after you, don’t ya?)

Fifi: (Forcibly polite) Oui, we do.

Furball: (Well, I should be too, but…I don’t care for the money.)

Hamton: Good. Ya wouldn’t get anything anyway. He looks around the dimly lit area. Where are we, anyway?

Furball: (Cheerily) (Oh, just the catacombs!)

Suddenly, Plucky stands up and stares at the blue cat, his eyes popping in horror.

Plucky: (Shocked) THE CATACOMBS?! Ya mean we’re surrounded by dead people?!

Furball: (Oh, don’t worry. They won’t bother ya.)

Plucky: (Sarcastically) Oh, that’s reassuring. I wonder why they don’t bother ya. Oh, yeah. On account of the fact THEY’RE DEAD!!

Furball: (It’s quite a cosy place once ya get accustomed to it. It is my home, after all.)

The quartet stares at him in disbelief for a beat.

Shirley: (To Furball) Like, I’d REALLY consider moving if I were you.

Furball: (Oh, I couldn’t do that. It’s such a big home, so I get lotsa exercise. The catacombs are underneath the whole of Paris!)

Fifi: (Excited, to Furball) Wait! Ze ‘ole of Paris?

Plucky: It says so in the subtitles, doesn’t it?

Hamton: (Excited) Does it reach the outskirts, too?

Furball: (I’m not sure about that. There are several secret entrances to it via manholes, so that means that they’re kinda part of the sewers as well.)

Plucky: (Sarcastically) Oh, great. We’re surrounded by dead people AND gross-out humour.

Furball: (I’ll take ya ta the secret entrance that’s as far from the city as possible. C’mon!)

He walks offscreen, the light from his lantern fading as he does so. Fifi, Hamton, Shirley and Plucky follow him in order to keep themselves from being left behind in the dark.

Scene 18

The camera cuts to the throne room back at the palace. Sebastian sits on the recently (and poorly) repaired throne. He is wearing a flowing purple robe in place of his red clothing. On his head is a beautiful golden crown which contrasts strongly with his ugly mug. Tad stands next to the throne, carrying his top hat as if he’s a Broadway singer.

Tad: (Singing) Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl…

Sebastian: (Flatly, to Tad) Shut up.

Tad: Sorry, boss, uh…your majesty!

Sebastian: I wonder if those peasants have captured our little runaways yet.

Suddenly, the huge doors open and C. Pew enters the room with Max.

C. Pew: Your highness… (To the camera) Who technically can’t be the king because I haven’t crowned him yet… (To Sebastian) This peasant claims that he has detained all four of the escapees. He has come to claim his reward.

Sebastian: (Pleased) Excellent! Come forward, peasant!

Max strides up to the throne and stands before it.

Sebastian: (Looking around, suspicious) Where are they?

Max’s grin fades into nervousness.

Sebastian: (Suspicious) You do have them…don’t you?

Max: (Gulps) Okay, here’s what happened…I cornered them and told ‘em I was gonna turn ‘em in so I could get the reward.

Sebastian: (Deadly calm) And…?

Max: I…I let my guard down for one second… ONE second! Then, I got hit on the head with a barrel an’ got knocked out.

Sebastian: (Deadly calm) They absconded, didn’t they?

Max: Y-Yeah! Whatever that means. B-But because I was SO close ta getting them, I thought I’d claim the reward anyway because…at least I tried?

Instead of answering, Sebastian snaps his fingers. Two guards appear out of nowhere and take Max by each arm.

Sebastian: (Lazily) Take him to the Execution cell.

Guard: Your majesty, the Execution cell is full.

Sebastian: (Yells) THEN BUILD ANOTHER ONE!!

Guard: (Terrified) Yessir. Anything you say.

Sebastian: (To Max) If there’s any consolation regarding your impending death…there was no reward money, anyway.

Max: (To the camera) Damn it, they were right! The guards take him away and the doors slam behind them. C. Pew crosses to the throne.

Sebastian: (To Tad and C. Pew) That’s the 88th peasant who’s told me that. (Bitterly) I reckon that our band of rebels will outta Paris by now.

C. Pew: Yes, I suppose they are…His expression darkens with an evil smile. But, they’re not out of the woods, yet.

Tad: (Confused) There are trees in Paris?

Sebastian and C. Pew look at him with a mixture of annoyance and confusion for a beat.

C. Pew: (To Sebastian) We’ve hired our assassin. He’ll be waiting for them near the border.

Sebastian: Tremendous! (Confused) Why are you stationing him so close to England?

C. Pew: Well, I thought that it would be cool if we had a scenario where they think the worst is over and then, BAM! Big scary dude who tries ta kill them. It works all the time in the horror movies.

Sebastian: I see… What’s the name of the fella who’s gonna do the job?

C. Pew: Well, I’d tell ya buuut… (To the camera) I don’t want ta spoil the surprise for any of the folks watching.

Tad appears behind the skunk, also looking at the camera.

Tad: (Pointing) What about that guy goin’ to the bathroom?

C. Pew: (To Tad) There’re more people than just HIM… (Worried) I hope.

Sebastian: Oh, very well. He contemplates. Now then, what else should I do ta oppress my subjects? (Beat) I know! I’ll get rid of all the free school milk! (To Tad and C. Pew) I was inspired by someone called Maggie Thatchroof for that one.

Tad: Uhhh, there aren’t any schools in France.

Sebastian: Then we’ll build schools, distribute free school milk and THEN get rid of it!

Tad: Awesome!

Sebastian: (To the camera) I like bein’ the king…and it’s gonna stay that way forever! How are four teenagers gonna stop me an’ bring my reign to an end, tell me that! They aren’t. The king WILL die, and they’ll die with him. Then, France will be mine, y’hear?! ALL MINE!! He grins balefully at the camera, showing his yellow teeth.


“Let’s all go to the lobby (for the umpteenth time), let’s all go to the lobby (for the umpteenth time)…”

Fleche De Lard will continue in Part 6.

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