Fleche De Lard

We're off to find the Monarch!

Welcome back to Part 6 of:

Fleche De Lard

Scene 19

The camera roves through the depths of the catacombs. We can see long-abandoned spider’s webs in both the foreground and the background. Gradually, the light of Furball’s lantern comes into focus and the shadows of the five toons stretch on the floor as we hear their footsteps echo in the cavernous space.

Furball: (Nice place, isn’t it?)

Plucky: Yeah…if ya like walk-through crypts. He looks down and recoils at what looks like a pool of blood on the floor. Furball notices his terror.

Furball: (Oh, that’s just some tomato sauce that I spilt on the floor from lunch break)

Plucky mops his brow and steps over the puddle. He walks alongside Shirley.

Plucky: (To Shirley) There seems ta be a lotta dead people in this movie.

Shirley: Like, what d’ya expect? The writer’s British. They have a really morbid sense of humour.

Plucky: Oh, yeah. He notices a skeleton lying on the ground near them. He stops and grins at the camera, before turning to it. (To Skeleton) What d’ya think of it so far?

Skeleton: RUBBISH!

Plucky: (In horror) AGH! He runs away from the skeleton to keep up with the others.

Furball: (Okay, guys. This part of the catacombs has stuff that nobody wanted, so they dumped it there…as disrespectful as that is. With that said, ya may find it disturbing.)

Hamton: (To Furball) I don’t think it’ll be as disturbing as Cardinal Pew, but thanks for warnin’ us.

Fifi: Et ah do not think zat eet will be as disturbing as Paris under ze command of zat Sebastian.

Plucky: (Condescendingly) Yeah, and since yer “home” is packed to the rafters with corpses, how bad can this part of the mausoleum be?

Furball: (To the camera) (Don’t say I didn’t warn ‘em)

The camera cuts to another part of the labyrinth. It is in complete darkness until we see the light of the lantern rounding the corner. We can see Furball’s growing fear and reluctance to proceed. This contrasts starkly with the emotions of the quartet, who are adamant in traversing this subterranean maze in order to reach the outskirts. The blue cat gulps, and holds up his lantern. Fifi abruptly shrieks in terror and clutches Hamton, who looks equally horrified.

The camera immediately cuts to a torn up Loonatics Unleashed poster, accompanied by a scare chord. Furball and the gang rushes past it, averting their gaze. Abruptly, Shirley screams and clutches at Plucky. The camera cuts to a picture of Buddy and Cookie, accompanied by another scare chord.

Then, Hamton screams like a girl and clutches Fifi. The camera cuts to a Baby Looney Tunes videotape with a shrieking scare chord. Plucky screams like a girl and clutches Shirley, pointing at a statue of Scrappy Doo.

At this, the five toons run for their lives in blind panic. This time, everybody screams in pure undiluted horror at something offscreen. The camera cuts to a statue of Flim-Flam.

They flee from the statue and all the other god-awful things that Warner Bros and Hanna Barbera have done, rounding the corner. The colour has drained from their bodies, making them look like ghosts.

Plucky: (Panting, clutching his heart, to Furball) Y’know, the sight of dead people and the smell of rotting flesh is surprisingly quite inviting, right now!!

Furball: (I’m thinking of having that area removed…if I had the rights ta do so.)

We fade to another part of the catacombs that the group is walking through.

Hamton: Uh, how much farther are we to the outskirts, Mr Cat?

Furball: (I’m not sure. I think we might’ve passed under at least one of the streets…)

Shirley: Like, which one?

Furball: (I dunno. I’ve never been up top.)

Plucky sniffs the air and retches suddenly.

Plucky: (To Fifi) Look, princess, I know yer probably still mad about my little joke in Part 1, but is doing that REALLY necessary?

Fifi: (Indignant) Vat are vous talking about, duck?

Plucky: (To Fifi) Aw, stop bein’ in denial and’ face it: YOU STINK!

At this point, their voices begin to echo in the narrow passage.

Hamton: (Defensively, to Plucky) Hey, back off! She hasn’t done anything!

Plucky: (To Hamton, snidely) Awww, the hero’s defending the princess. Why don’t ya just admit that yer only bein’ nice ta her so that ya can get into her-

Shirley: (To Plucky, furious) Like, SHADDAP!! (Calm) What the heck’s the matter with you, Plucky? What’s with this mondo sudden urge to incite conflict?

Plucky: (To Shirley) Can’t ya smell it?! (Pointing at Fifi) Her royal highness has ta show everybody she’s a skunk!

Furball: (Oh, that’s just the smell of the sewers. We must be getting close!)

There is a beat as Shirley, Fifi and Hamton all turn to glare at Plucky, who grins sheepishly in a futile effort to save face.

Plucky: (Nervous laugh) I’m just gonna walk behind an’ stop talking.

They continue walking.

Fifi: (To Shirley) Zat could not ‘ave been moi anyway. Eef eet ‘ad been moi… She gestures to Hamton. Hamtone would ‘ave been acting rather amorously.

Hamton’s ears prick up upon hearing his name being mentioned. He turns to look at Fifi, who smiles demurely and waves at him. He looks at the camera with a rather confused look.

The gang passes a rusty sign on the wall which says: Vous quittez maintenant les catacombes. La prochaine destination dans le passage souterrain est les égouts.

Furball: (I’ve never understood what that sign said…)

Hamton: I believe it says: “You are now leaving the catacombs. The next destination in the subterranean passage is the sewers.” (To the camera) Yes, I understand French. Ya have to when ya live there.

Furball: (Ohhh… That’s probably why I end up at the sewers every time I pass it!)

The toons are suddenly assaulted by a wave of green stink waves that knocks even Fifi for six. They look down to see a murky river flowing through a cylindrical man-made cave. There are two ledges on either side of the river that can be accessed by climbing down some ladders. As they hold their noses and turn green, Plucky marches purposefully past them, walks straight off the ledge and falls offscreen. There is a beat before we hear a SPLAT! Furball, Hamton, Fifi and Shirley cringe upon seeing this.

HF&S: (In revulsion) Eeewwww…

The camera cuts to a clean, but incredibly shaken Plucky plodding along the walkway near the canal.

Shirley: (To Plucky) Like, I know what happened was mondo gross, but at least Fleche De Lard cleaned you up!

Plucky: (Monotonous) Yes…but he cannot clean my mind.

Fifi: (To Furball) Are ve any closer, Monsieur Chat?

Furball: (I think we are. These sewers can branch out all over Paris! In fact, it’s where Le Vraiment, Vraiment Riche Hôtel gets its food from!)

The quartet does a double take upon hearing this. To Furball’s confusion, they begin to rub their tongues in horror for ten seconds. The blue cat turns and the camera pans over to a ladder which goes up to a manhole blocked by a cover.

Furball: (Okay, guys, this is the closest to the outskirts I can take ya! You’re on your own from here on!)

Plucky suddenly snaps out of his trauma and barrels towards the ladder, scrambling up it.

Plucky: (Ecstatic) Finally! I can get outta this strangely spacious sewer! He hits his head on the cover with a CLANG! He plummets and hits the ground, stars circling his head.

Hamton: (To Furball) Thanks for all your help, Mr Cat. Why don’t ya come with us?

Furball: (Nah. I like it down here. You folks head on back up top. Good luck with your mission!)

Shirley, Fifi and Hamton climb the ladder with Plucky draped over Hamton’s shoulder, looking down at the waving cat.

Fifi: Au revoir!

Shirley: (Sympathetically) Like, poor guy. He’s gone crazy with unbearable loneliness.

Once they are out of earshot, Furball turns to look at the camera.

Furball: (Did ya hear them? Crazy with unbearable loneliness? What a joke. Isn’t that right, Tweety?) He coughs up what looks like the skeleton of Tweety and puts his finger in the bird’s skull as if it was a puppet.

Tweety: Absowutewy!

Scene 20

The camera cuts to a rolling countryside with a dirt road running through it. We can hear birdsong and the breeze blowing gently through the grass. In the distance, we can see the city of Paris. The manhole cover is lifted up and Shirley climbs out of it. She takes in deep breaths as the others climb out of the manhole. Hamton lays the stirring Plucky down and helps Fifi up.

Shirley: (Sighs happily) Like, fresh clean air at last! (To Fifi and Hamton) We’ve done it! We’re finally outta Paris!

Hamton: Not quite…Look!

He points at something offscreen. The camera pans round to show us a sign which says Vous êtes maintenant quitter Paris.

Shirley: Okay…once we pass that sign, we’re finally outta Paris! (To the camera) And it only took us six parts.

Plucky picks himself up and zips over to Shirley.

Plucky: (Extravagantly) AH! The open road! The dusty highway! Some other third thing! As an actor who has travelled the world, this has been a common sight for me!

Shirley shakes her head while silently giggling.

Plucky: We are about to cross the threshold. We will no longer be on Parisian soil an’ our adventure shall really begin! Look out, England, here we come! He marches stupidly past the sign. (To the camera) I hope you people are takin’ notes on my performance. I oughta win an Oscar! Or a UKE Award, take yer pick.

Shirley follows him past the sign. Hamton laughs and is about to follow when he turns to see that Fifi has not moved. He crosses to her.

Hamton: (Genuinely concerned, to Fifi) Wh-what’s wrong, pri- Fifi?

Fifi: (To Hamton) Nothing, mon cher. Nothing eez wrong! Hamton raises a sceptical eyebrow and she sighs deeply. Oh, alright. Something eez wrong.

Hamton: (Taking her hands)What is it, Fifi? You can tell me. Ya said so yourself: ya don’t feel uncomfortable around me. You helped me, and I’m gonna return the favour!

Fifi is genuinely touched by the pig’s sweetness. She takes a deep breath and reluctantly begins.

Fifi: Vell, ah ‘ave never been out of ze palace before, et zat eez one thing. Ah ‘ave never been out of Paris before either!

Hamton: B-But, Fifi. It was your idea ta go to England to warn your dad about Sebastian. I’m just your escort. I’m only here ta make sure nobody kills ya on the way! (To the camera) And I hope that that never happens…I don’t know if I am this great hero.

Fifi: Non, Hamtone. Tu are more zan just mon escort. (Giggles slightly) Ve are going to ‘ave zat duet, remember?

Hamton: (Blushes) Oh, yeah. (Serious) My point is, you’ve gone against several royal traditions, but you’re doing it for a good cause. We’ve shield-surfed through the palace, destroying the place in the process and been on the run, and you’re afraid of passing that sign? I’ve never been out of Paris before, either. I dunno what we’re gonna face out there. But we’re gonna face it together. It may seem impossible-

Suddenly, Jacquimo the Swallow appears in front of Hamton and Fifi and dominates the camera.

Jacquimo: Impossible? Nothing eez impossible!

He begins to fly over the heads of the pig and skunkette. They look visibly annoyed by this.

Jacquimo: (Sings) You’re sure to do im-possi-ble things, if you follow your heart, ha-ha! Your dreams will fly on ma-gi-cal wings, if you follow your hear-

He is abruptly sucked into an Acme Dustbuster which Hamton has taken out. The pig throws it offscreen.

Hamton: (To Fifi) As I was saying, it may seem impossible, but y’know, when I’m with you…it doesn’t feel that way. We’re gonna find your dad, and when we do, everything will be alright again. Trust me.

Fifi doesn’t answer. Instead, she embraces Hamton, with happy tears rolling down her cheeks. The pig briefly reacts in the same way that he had done when she had previously hugged him. Then, he returns her cuddle, a single tear rolling down his cheek.The camera cuts to Plucky and Shirley, who are watching this scene from a distance.

Plucky: (Folding his arms) Huh! What hammy acting. That was the lamest speech I ever heard!

Shirley: (To Plucky) Like, jealous much?

Plucky: (Sulkily) NO! The pig and skunkette finally release their embrace.

Hamton: (Taking her hand) C’mon. Let’s go to England.

Fifi: Oui. Let us go et find mon pére!

Hand-in-hand, they walk past the sign and join Plucky and Shirley. The two waterfowl hold hands with them as well.

HFP&S: (Singing) We’re off to see the wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Oz!

They stop singing and laugh together as they walk away.

Plucky: (To the camera) Give us a break, we had ta make that reference, it was too good an opportunity! (To Shirley, Fifi and Hamton) Okay, fellas. Let’s start our journey…in a montage!

The montage begins with Fifi, Hamton, Plucky and Shirley walking through Rural France. They pass an orchard, and Plucky hops over the stile and sneaks into it to steal some apples. He takes four apples and is just about to leave when he turns. He does a double-take and runs for his life as Marc Anthony, followed by Pussyfoot, chases him. The camera cuts to Plucky having his bare behind bandaged by Hamton while he, Fifi and Shirley eat their apples. The green duck glares at the camera as his companions try not to laugh.

The group comes to a crossroad. Hamton stops Fifi and Shirley from proceeding. They look both ways. Plucky rolls his eyes and begins to cross the road. Abruptly, he is run down by the Tour De France.

The camera cuts to the group passing a wheat field as the weather slowly begins to become overcast. The camera zooms in on Hamton, as a raindrop suddenly falls on his snout. He takes Fifi’s hand as they run for shelter, while Shirley and Plucky play in the rain. As the watch their friends from the shelter of a nearby tree, Fifi yawns and snuggles closer to Hamton, wrapping her tail around the both of them as she gradually goes to sleep. Hamton strokes her head for a bit, before eventually falling asleep as well.

The group travel along a dirt road, which is a bit sodden and muddy due to the rain. Hamton notices a puddle in their path. He rushes ahead, pulls out a CENSORED bar from offscreen and takes off his rags. He lays them on the puddle. Fifi blushes at this gesture, but Plucky barges past her. The skunkette’s anger doesn’t last long, for as soon as the duck steps on the puddle, he plunges into it. It is surprisingly deep. It is now night time, and the group are camping in a field.

Plucky is struggling to light a fire. He is rubbing two sticks together, but they snap in his hands. Shirley watches him, looking both bored and amused. Hamton arrives with a bag of marshmallows, and instantly lights a fire, much to the shock of Plucky. Fifi appears to have trouble putting her marshmallow on the stick provided for her. Hamton shows her how to do it and she smiles demurely. He holds her arm, making sure that she doesn’t burn herself on the fire. The camera pans upwards into the night sky and it abruptly turns blue as the sun rises in it. We can hear birdsong in the air.

The song ends and we cut to a close-up of Plucky’s feet. They are red and sore from walking.

Plucky: (Pants) Are we there yet?

We are given a view of the group. It is obvious that the trek is taking its toll, as they all look exhausted from walking.

Hamton: (Pants) Not…really…we…now have…281.2km to go!

Shirley: (Pants) Like…can’t we…just…have…another…montage?

Fifi: (Pants) Ah…wish…zat…ve could!

Plucky abruptly falls down flat on his face.

Plucky: (Muffled) THAT’S IT! No more walking! He lifts his head up. There has ta be another way ta travel!

Hamton: But Plucky, this is the 17th Century! We can’t just take a bus!

Fifi: Oui! Ve cannot stop now. Zere eez no telling vat zat Sebastian eez doing!

Plucky: (Sarcastically) Well, he’s not wearing his feet out, is he?

Shirley: (Concerned) Like, ya don’t think we’re goin’ the wrong way, do ya?

Plucky: (Yells) Oh, DON’T SAY THAT!

Hamton: (Pondering) It’s a possibility. (To Fifi) D’ya think we shoulda turned right at Versailles?

Before Fifi can reply, we hear the thudding of horse’s hooves. The quartet turns and abruptly dives into a nearby bush as a horse pulling a wagon full of hay plods past. They watch it meander slowly away through the leaves of the shrub.

Plucky: (Pointing at the wagon) Bingo! The 17th Century answer to a taxi! He grabs Shirley’s hand. C’mon!

He drags the loon out of the bush and after the wagon. Fifi and Hamton share a look before leaping out of the bush and running after them. Plucky throws Shirley onto the hay, and struggles to climb aboard himself. Fifi is helped aboard by Hamton, who shoves the green duck onto the wagon before climbing aboard himself.

Plucky: (Satisfied) Ahhhh! He reclines in the hay. We’ll travel ta Britain in style!

Shirley: (Brushing hay off herself, sarcastic) Right. Style is totally putting it mildly.

Plucky: There’s no way my plan is gonna go…HAYWIRE!

The other three roll their eyes as Plucky guffaws loudly at his own wit. The horse continues to trot along the dirt road. The camera fades to mid-afternoon. The horse and wagon moves slowly past a sign which says Bienvenue en Normandie!

The camera cuts to the group. Shirley, Fifi and Hamton are asleep in the hay, but Plucky is bashing two hollow coconuts together. Suddenly, they feel a jolt as the wagon stops.

Plucky: Whoa! (To the other three) End of the line, guys! He nudges them. C’mon, we gotta get outta here before-

He is interrupted as he looks at something offscreen in horror. Slowly, the other three begin to stir.

Shirley: (Yawns) Like, didja say something, Plu- As she looks in the same direction as the green duck, she reacts in horror as well.

Hamton: We’re in Britain already-?

He reacts in horror.

Fifi: Why ‘ave ve stop-?

She reacts in horror. The camera cuts to what our heroes are staring at like deer in the headlights. A shadowy monstrous figure is stood behind the wagon looking at them balefully. He moves closer…and closer to reveal himself as… Porky Pig. He’s wearing overalls and a straw hat.

Porky: (Good-naturedly) Well! It l-looks like I’ve been carrying sto-ste-ste-uh…sto-ste-uh…sto-ste-uh…hitchhikers!

Plucky: (Shocked) GASP! It’s a hillbilly! He’s gonna eat us! (To Shirley, Fifi and Hamton) Fear not! As an actor, I am able to adopt the dialect of this fella. I’ll get on his good side! (To Porky, exaggerated southern accent) Well, HOWDY THE-RE! How’s life bin a-treatin’ ya over in this side of France? Another gator ate the baby a-gain?

Porky: (Flatly) A-whe-uh-what?

Fifi: (To Porky) Bonjour, monsieur! Please excuse moi et mes amis!

Porky: Oh, it’s no pro-pre-uh, pro-pre-uh, pro-pre-uh…no big deal.

Hamton: Thank goodness! (To Porky) Where are we, mister?

Porky: (Brightly) Oh, you’re in Nor-neh-uh, Nor-neh-uh, Nor-neh-uh…this side of France.

Plucky: THAT’s not helpful.

Shirley: Like, I think he’s tryin’ ta say Normandy!

Fifi: Normandy? (Gasps, happily) Ve are not zat far away! Zis eez perfect!

Hamton: Wow! Our journey’s nearly over! (To Porky) Which part of Normandy are we in?

Porky: Y-You’re at m-my farm!

Plucky: (Musing) A farm run by a pig? (To the camera) Now what novel does that remind me of?

Suddenly, Petunia Pig walks up to the wagon.

Petunia: That’s right! (Giggles) He’s the farmyard’s Mr Big! (To the group) And what do we have here?

Hamton: Uh, why, certainly, Mrs….er…

Petunia: (Giggles) Oh, it’s Miss Pig…She hugs Porky and shows an engagement ring. For now.

Porky blushes and grins stupidly.

Plucky: (To Petunia) So, your surname is Miss Pig, and I’m gonna assume that his surname is Pig, so…technically, doesn’t that count as ince-

Shirley abruptly stuffs hay into his mouth.

Hamton: ANYway, my name is Hamton, A.K.A Fleche De Lard. He gestures to Fifi. This is Princess Fifi…

Porky: (Astonished) P-P-Princess?!

He bows and Petunia curtseys.

Petunia: W-We’re honoured, your highness!

Fifi: (Giggles) Oh, zere eez no need pour zat, monsieur et madame peeg. Ah do not consider myself to be better zan vous.

Plucky: (Under his breath) Well, ya should do.

He shuts up as Shirley glares at him.

Petunia: (To Plucky and Shirley) And who are you two?

Shirley: Like, I’m Shirley…She gestures to Plucky. An’ this is Plucky.

Porky: Well, welcome to our humble ab-abo-uh…ab-abo-uh…a-abo-uh…home.

Hamton: (Surveys the farm) Gosh, it sure is a nice place…not like my home back in Paris.

Plucky: (Dismissively) Yeah, yeah. Thanks for the ride here, now we gotta get goin’.

Petunia: Oh, you couldn’t just leave!

Plucky: (In shock) Oh, no. They’re gonna eat us!

Porky: Ya all seem to have come on such a long promen-uh, promen-uh, promen-uh, walk! You should all r-re-uh…rest!

Plucky: (Beat) Never mind.

Petunia: Porky’s right, kids. Why doncha stay for a bite to eat on L'obscurité ferme?

The quartet shares a look for a beat before turning to Porky and Petunia.

HFP&S: Uhhhh…Okay!

Scene 21

The Pigs lead the quartet across the farmyard. They pass Gabby Goat, who is ploughing a field with his horns.

Gabby: (Grumbling) How do ya like that? My first appearance in nearly 80 years an’ I get this cameo! It’s madness, I tell ya, it’s criminal! Is this any way ta treat one of the oldest Looney Tune stars?! The camera begins to pan away from him. (Affronted) Hey! Come back here! I haven’t finished ranting!

Porky: (To the group) A le-le-uh, lot of my old aque-aquo-uh, aque-aquo-uh, aque-aquo-uh… friends live an’ work here!

Petunia: You could say it’s like a retirement home for them. Not a lot of people know them anymore. It’s a shame really.

Beans the Cat walks past them carrying a rake. Hamton, Fifi, Plucky and Shirley stop and watch him pass. Plucky then stops him.

Plucky: (To Beans) Don’t tell me! I know you! Beans looks hopeful. You’re Sweetcorn!

Hamton: (To Plucky) No, that’s not right, his name is Peas!

Fifi: Cauliflower?

Shirley: Like, Tomatoes?

Beans looks bitterly at the camera. The group shrugs and walks away to join the Pigs. They finally reach the farm house. We can see Ham and Ex running about in the background.

Fifi: (Looking around) Zis certainly eez un trés bon home vous ‘ave!

Petunia: Why thank you, princess! We’re proud to keep it that way!

Shirley: It’s totally great ta see that not all of France has been corrupted yet!

Porky: (Shocked) Cor-uh, Cor-uh, taken over?! B-By whom?

Hamton: (Darkly) Lord Sebastian. We’ll explain everything. (To the camera) But ta save everybody the tedious experience of havin’ the prophecy retold, we’ll skip a few minutes.

The camera cuts to the farmhouse kitchen. Fifi, Hamton and Shirley are sat at the table with cups of tea. Porky and Petunia are sat there in shock at what they’d heard. Plucky, meanwhile, is searching the shelves, presumably for food.

Petunia: So this Sebastian guy has taken over Paris already?!

Fifi: (Bitterly) Oui. Et if we do not stop ‘im, your home will be taken over, too. Her expression softens as she touches Hamton’s hand. He blushes at this. Ah am going to find mon pére et tell ‘im about Sebastian. Mais, ze pig who eez going to ‘elp moi stop Sebastian eez escorting moi! ‘E eez a great hero!

Porky: W-Well, that explains why yer so f-far away from the pu-pe-puh-palace.

Petunia: (Incredulous) So, the four of you have travelled from Paris just to find the king so you can save the country?!

Plucky: Yep! I’m used ta travelling. (Haughtily) I am an actor who is constantly on the road, y’know.

Hamton: (Whispers to Fifi) Bein’ run over, that is.

Fifi giggles and hushes him.

Porky: W-Well, if you’re travellin’ to B-B-eh, B-B-eh, B-B-eh…the UK, ya still have a long way ta go!

Plucky: Yeah… (Ominously) And strangely, we haven’t run into any obstacles since we started our trip. If I know movie clichés, it’s gonna be like this ta make us assume that the worst is over, and then…BAM! We’re suddenly in grave danger!

Everybody stares at him, and then they all look at the camera for a beat, contemplating what the duck had said.

Petunia: You guys can’t possibly walk all the way to Britain! There’s an ocean before it!

Shirley: Like, we’ll have to. It’s the 17th Century. That’s totally the only way we can get ta England.

Porky: M-Maybe we could provide you with transpor-peh-uh, transpor-peh-uh, transpor-peh-uh…a ride!

The quartet looks at each other, and then at him with interest. The camera cuts to a barn. Porky and Petunia walk up to the doors.

Petunia: Since you’re planning on saving all of France, it would be an honour for us to provide you with some transport to get to Britain faster.

Porky turns and opens the barn doors. We see six familiar looking horses, and that familiar five note tune. The ponies grin at the camera…before Plucky abruptly slams the doors shut, accompanied by a record scratching.

Plucky: (To the camera) No… Just no.

Petunia: Oops! (Giggles) Wrong barn.

She and Porky walk away from the barn and the group follows them. The camera cuts to a stable. Porky opens the door to reveal three dashing horses with flowing manes…and a donkey.

Porky: H-Here we are. Th-these sta-ste-uh, sta-ste-uh, sta-ste-uh…horses were given to us by a fox. Th-they’re quite g-good farm animals. They’ll be able ta get ya to England in no time!

Fifi: (To Porky and Petunia) Merci beaucoup, monsieur et madame peeg! Zey are beautiful!

Hamton: They sure are… (Thinking) Too bad I dunno how ta ride.

Petunia: Now, ya can’t just pick a horse. They hafta pick you.

Plucky pushes his way to the stable entrance.

Plucky: (Smugly) The stallion’s mine!

The camera cuts to a close-up on Plucky. He looks rather chagrined. The camera zooms out to reveal that he is sat on the saddle of the donkey.

Plucky: (Grumbling to the camera) Horses are a man’s best friend… PAH! Tell that to Christopher Reeve.

The camera pans around to reveal Shirley sat on the beige coloured horse, Fifi on the grey horse and Hamton on the black horse. The pig looks rather nervous as he sits on the saddle, holding the reins.

Fifi: (To Hamton) Tu look stunning on zat ‘orse, Hamtone! Trés heroic!

Hamton: (Blushing, to Fifi) Th-Thanks, Pri- Fifi. Ya look pretty on your horse, too. (Thinking) I won’t look so heroic once we set off.

Petunia: (To the group) There you go! Those horses’ll get you to England much quicker than on foot. Good luck finding the king!

Shirley: Like, thanks! Good luck with your engagement, too. We’ll be sure ta return for the wedding after the movie!

Porky crosses to the gates.

Porky: Th-Thank you very m-much! Now, off ya go! The high-er-high-high-er… road awaits!

Fifi: (To the group) Oui! Let us go!

She flicks the reins of her horse and it begins to trot. Shirley gently kicks her horse’s sides and it moves. Hamton watches how they have put their horses in motion. He gulps and lightly kicks his horse’s sides. It doesn’t move. He flicks the reins. Still, it doesn’t move. He scratches his head.

Hamton: (Tentatively, to the horse) Uh… giddy up?

His horse suddenly breaks into a run.

Hamton: (In shock) Ohhh! As his horse rushes past Fifi, he frantically flicks the reins and it screeches to a halt. Fifi giggles. He blushes and chuckles nervously.

Fifi: (To Hamton) Un petit eager, are we not? She winks. Tu ‘ave un bon idea, Fleche De Lard. Ah think zat tu should ride alongside moi.

Hamton grins embarrassedly and Shirley raises an eyebrow whilst trying not to laugh. As Porky and Petunia wave goodbye, the horses trot out of the farm and onto the road. Hamton and Fifi are at the front. While Fifi is calm upon her saddle, Hamton is visibly nervous, constantly looking down at the ground and bouncing on his saddle. He sweats profusely. Fifi notices this and reaches out to take his hand. Hamton instantly stops sweating and looks into her eyes.

Fifi: (Reassuring whisper) Do not worry, Cheri. (Whispers) Do tu want to race?

# Rhinestone Cowboy – Glen Campbell

Hamton’s fear appears to leak out of him and he becomes more confident.

Hamton: Race? Fifi nods. O-Okay, then!

In unison, they flick their reins, making their respective horses begin to move faster. Hamton is temporarily nervous by the change in speed, but when he looks across at Fifi’s playfully competitive smile, a look of good-natured rivalry twinkles in his eyes. They both begin to flick the reins repeatedly, until their horses are galloping, the hoof beats echoing across the countryside. They come to a bend in the road, but their horses thunder straight ahead. Hamton gasps and shuts his eyes, but Fifi grins excitedly. In slow motion, their mounts leap over the wooden fence. Hamton clings onto the reins as he is lifted off his saddle. He looks over at Fifi, who is doing the same thing. She turns to the pig alongside her and blows him a kiss. Hamton blushes and waves nervously back. The speed returns to normal as the horses land in the green meadow and continue to gallop neck and neck.

Shirley: (In mock shock) Like, they’re goin’ off course! (To the camera) Meh. I’ll catch up.

The pig and skunkette ride away across the pasture, whipping their horses and leaning gamely forward in their saddles. They look flirtatiously at each other as they overtake each other. The camera cuts to a sweeping view of the field. We can see the grey and black horses running across it in the afternoon sky. The camera abruptly cuts to the farm lane. Plucky glowers in frustration as his donkey sluggishly lumbers through the farm gate. He looks at the camera in frustration at being left behind.


“Let’s all go to the lobby (you must REALLY be running out of snacks), let’s all go to the lobby (you must REALLY be running out of snacks)…”

Fleche De Lard will continue in Part 7.

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