Fleche De Lard

The Red-Cloaked Knight

Welcome back to Part 7 of:

Fleche De Lard

Scene 22

We get a view of some crows staring balefully at the camera from a dead tree with branches like talons. The wind has picked up, as leaves occasionally fly past the camera as a fog slowly begins to appear. The camera roves downward to a path that goes through a dark, foreboding forest. A nearby sign reads “Effrayant sombre forêt” in red lettering. Another sign reads: “Revenir! Revenir!” The sign behind it says: “Très bien! Ne pas nous écouter, vous têtu mulets!” If you look really closely, you can see the Slender Man in the background.

Slowly, Fifi, Hamton and Shirley emerge from the fog riding their horses. They keep looking around tentatively as their mounts take them further through the eerie woodland. The horses occasionally whinny and shake their heads as they plod along. If you look really closely, you can see the Slender Man in the background.

Hamton: (Gulps) Well, this is the biggest mood whiplash I’ve ever seen.

Shirley: (Nervously) Like, I’m gettin’ a lotta negative vibes from this place.

Fifi: (Apprehensively) Oui. Mais, we ‘ave to get to England. Et eet seems zat ze only way is through zis forest.

The camera cuts to a view of the three travellers from what looks like the trees. The leaves rustle, and the trio jump in shock.

Hamton: (To Fifi and Shirley) D-Do ya ever get the feeling you’re bein’ watched?

Fifi: (Nervously) Non… Do not panic, Hamtone. Ze sooner we get through zis area, ze sooner we find mon pére.

She abruptly shrieks as an owl flies towards them from a nearby tree branch and they all duck.

Shirley: Like, n-no argument, there!

They continue to ride on. The fog is growing thicker and it appears to be getting darker. We can hear the chattering teeth of the trio as they constantly look around. Suddenly, we can hear hoof beats coming from behind them.

Shirley: (Frightened) Like, what’s that?

Hamton: (Terrified) N-Now, don’t worry, Fifi, Shirley. I-I’ll protect you….

He looks back down the path towards the source of the sound. The fog is well and truly unfathomable. We see sweat rolling down his forehead. Nobody dares to breathe as the sound of hoof beats grows louder…until finally, a familiar voice calls out.

Plucky: (Offscreen) That’s all very well, Flush der lids, but who’s gonna protect you?

The trio breathes a sigh of relief as the donkey scuttles out of the fog and alongside Shirley’s horse. Plucky is riding it.

Plucky: (Angrily sarcastic) I’m glad ta see that the three of ya gave a dang about my whereabouts, only it’s kinda hard ta keep up when you’ve got Black Beauty’s cousins an’ I’ve got this thing.

Shirley: (Relieved) Like, I never thought I’d say this in this movie, but I’m sure glad ta see ya, Pl-ucky.

Plucky: (Softening) Thanks, Shirl. (To Hamton and Fifi) What the heck happened ta Lovebird’s Meadow? How did we end up here?

Hamton: (To Plucky) I dunno. It sure gives me the creeps, though.

Fifi: Oui, zat eet does. Mais, we must keep going!

Abruptly, their horses rear and whinny in fright. Shirley, Fifi and Hamton are knocked for six. They lose their balance and fall off their respective saddles. As they hit the ground, their horses gallop away into the fog, leaving them behind. Plucky is the only one who is stood up. His donkey is trudging slowly after the horses, its face just as frightened.

Hamton: (To Shirley and Fifi as he picks himself up) Are you alright?!

Fifi: Oui, ah am okay. Hamton helps her and Shirley up.

Plucky: (Musing) It appears that we hafta move on…without our appointed transportation.

Shirley: (Dusting herself down) Like, what scared ‘em?

Plucky: I was gonna make a reference to Macbeth an’ say that it was witches, but we have one in our midst. He backs down as Shirley glares at him. The camera cuts to a frightened Hamton, who is pointing at something offscreen.

Hamton: (Terrified) I-I think THEY scared ‘em…

Fifi, Plucky and Shirley look in the direction of where the petrified pig is pointing. They react in horror. The camera cuts to Elmyra Duff who is wearing a Robin Hood-esque outfit. Behind her are Gossamer, Dizzy Devil and the Coyote Kid.

Elmyra: (Cooing) OooooOOooooooh! Lookit the cute little ducky-wuckies, the stinky kitty an’ the dirty ol’ piggy!

Shirley: (To Plucky) Plucky? D’ya totally remember when ya said we hadn’t run into any obstacles during our journey?

Plucky: (Curious)Yeah. Why?

Shirley: (Screams furiously, at Plucky) WHY DIDN’T YA KEEP YER MOUTH SHUT?!

Coyote Kid: (Licking his lips) MM-MM! Fresh meat!

Dizzy: OOH! Dizzy get dibs on pig!

Hamton’s eyes widen. Suddenly, Fifi stands in front of him protectively.

Fifi: (To Elmyra) Vat eez zis? Ah order vous to let us pass!

Elmyra: Wellll… Her face darkens. (Uncharacteristically evil) We’re gonna kidnap the four of ya, steal your gold an’ eat ya! She returns to normal and giggles.

Hamton: (To Elmyra) But why?

Coyote Kid: Who cares why? WE’RE VILLAINS!

Gossamer nods and growls, clenching his fists.

Plucky: (To the camera) At least tall, red an’ hairy is back ta normal.

Elmyra: (Pondering) Actually, my cute little miniscule brainy-wainy has had another idea! Instead of eating you, we’re gonna kidnap you and keep you as my pets…FOREVER!!

The quartet reacts to this idea with pure, undiluted horror.

Shirley: (To Elmyra) Like, I hear waterfowl go very well with fries or some junk!

Elmyra: Sorry, ducky-head. My mind is made up! (To Coyote Kid) Fire at will.

Coyote Kid: (Brandishes a bow and arrow) Gladly!

He aims at Fifi…and fires! Just as the arrow is about to hit the terrified skunkette, Hamton reaches out and grabs it! As Elmyra and her posse react in shock, Hamton takes out a cloth and begins to polish the arrow in fast motion.

Hamton: (To Coyote Kid as he cleans) Y’know. You should REALLY take care of your weapons. This arrow’s rusty! (Sternly) And don’t fire ‘em at people, ya could take someone’s eye out!

He throws the now sparkling arrow back at the highwaymen. It hits Coyote Kid’s hat, knocking it off his head and pinning it to a nearby tree. Elmyra glares at the quartet.

Elmyra: Now, don’t play hard-to-get, cutie-wootie animal-heads! It’s mean! (To her minions) Get ‘em!

Coyote Kid, Dizzy and Gossamer charge towards the quartet, yelling angrily. Plucky screams, turns around and runs into a tree, knocking himself out.

As the huge hairy monster stomps towards Shirley, Fifi and Hamton, the blonde loon points at him. Abruptly, Gossamer is lifted off his feet by an unseen force.

Shirley: (To Fifi and Hamton) Like, head’s up, guys!

She flicks her finger to the right, and the pig and skunk duck as Gossamer flies away from them, crashing into some nearby trees and knocking them down, pulling them out of the roots. Dizzy and Coyote Kid react to Shirley’s attack.

Dizzy: (In anger) Dizzy marked territory on that tree!

He charges towards Fifi, baring his teeth. Instead of being scared, Fifi does a roundhouse kick, knocking the Tasmanian devil’s teeth out. As he staggers about dizzily, she punches him in the gut.

Dizzy: (Wheezes in pain) Skunk get lucky shot.

Fifi: Oh, did ah? She turns and fires green musk at the battered marsupial. Dizzy breathes it in and faints. The camera cuts to Elmyra, who has witnessed two of her minions being defeated.

Elmyra: (To the camera) This is embarrassing! She brandishes a sword. I’ll fight the cute widdle animals myself!

As Fifi looks down at the unconscious Dizzy, she is unaware of Coyote Kid advancing on her from behind carrying a sword. Hamton notices and reacts in horror.

Hamton: (To Fifi) LOOK OUT!

He rushes forward. Fifi turns around and gasps as Coyote Kid is about to stab her. Suddenly, Hamton shoulder barges him, knocking him away from Fifi. They are both knocked to the ground, Hamton is on top of Coyote Kid. He is shocked by what he has done.

Hamton: (To the camera) Wait a minute. What am I doing, I’ve never fought anyone before!

Coyote Kid: (Snarling) No…but I have!

He grabs Hamton by the throat and throws him to the ground. He immediately gets to his feet and pins the pig down, pointing his sword at his heart.

Fifi: (In horror) Non! Do not touch ‘im! She is about to rush to Hamton’s aid when she is stopped by a sword-wielding Elmyra.

Elmyra: (Smugly to Fifi) Don’t even try that stinky business, kitty. My widdle nose is blocked!

Fifi watches helplessly as Coyote Kid slowly lowers his sword down on Hamton’s heart.

Coyote Kid: (To Hamton) Mm-mm! Gammon steak! (Furiously) This is for ruinin’ my hat!

Fifi suddenly has an idea. She turns to Shirley.

Fifi: Shirley! Do something, quickly!

Shirley is using her powers to keep an infuriated Gossamer at bay. The giant hairy monster flails his arms helplessly in mid-air, trying to grab her.

Shirley: (To Fifi) Like, I REALLY wish I could help ya, but I gotta keep this dork from tearin’ our heads off!

Sweating, Fifi looks back at Hamton. Coyote Kid’s sword is still bearing down on him as he struggles in vain to free himself. She tries to get to him, but Elmyra keeps blocking her path, slashing her sword.

Coyote Kid: (To the camera) You folks out there might be wonderin’ why it’s takin’ so long fer me ta run this piggy through. Well, it’s called DRAMATIC EFFECT.

Elmyra: (Smugly, to Fifi) Give up your widdle fighty-wighty an’ I’ll call him off! It isn’t so bad being my pets. I’ll hug ya an’ squeeze ya until ya can’t breathe!

Hamton: (Wheezes, to Fifi) Don’t listen to her, Fifi! You an’ Shirley take Plucky an’ get outta here!

Fifi: (Tearfully) Non! Ah am not leaving without tu! (To Coyote Kid) If vous are going to kill ‘im…ah shall be next!

Shirley: (In shock) Say what?! She involuntarily ceases her powers, and Gossamer breaks free. Instantly, he grabs the loon and begins to squeeze her.

Coyote Kid: (To the camera) Sheesh. What a load of drama queens. (To Fifi) Fine! I’ll kill him an’ then you.

Elmyra: (To Coyote Kid) NO! We’re gonna keep ‘em as pets!

???: (Offscreen, in a male British accent) Oi! None of that’ll be happening, duckie!

Everybody stops what they’re doing. Gossamer stops strangling Shirley, Elmyra stops threatening Fifi and Coyote Kid loosens his grip on Hamton. Everybody (except Plucky) looks around for the source of the voice.

Suddenly the camera pans up to a figure standing on the highest branch of a tree. The figure is wearing a suit of silver armour with a long flowing red cape. It is blowing in the wind.

Coyote Kid: (In awe) Oh my god…IT’S BATMAN!!

???: (Indignant) I’m not Batman, you plonker! (To the camera) I wish I was, though. (To Elmyra, Coyote Kid and Gossamer) Right, you ‘orrible lot. It’s time for me to own you like what Tony Blair did to John Major in the 1997 election. (To the camera) Yes, I’m making British jokes to alienate the American audience. He leaps off the branch. Tally-ho!

He lands on Gossamer’s head with a crunch. This causes the monster to loosen his grip on Shirley so that she can free herself. He then slashes at Gossamer, reducing the monster to nothing but a pile of hair and sneakers. Then, he kicks Coyote Kid off of Hamton. He grabs the coyote by the tail, swings him around and suddenly lets go, sending the outlaw flying far away into the sky. As Elmyra watches this knight defeat her fellow hooligans, Hamton rushes over and pulls Fifi out of the way as the mysterious hero swings his sword. With an audible squelch, Elmyra’s head flies clean off. It hits the ground. A pool of blood forms underneath it.

Elmyra: (Tearfully) No-BODY loves me!!

Shirley, Hamton and Fifi are understandably stunned by their rescuer’s action. ??? turns to the camera.

???: (To the camera) Oh, don’t look so shocked. Deep down, you ALL wanted that to happen. He regards his blood-stained sword. I know this fill-um’s rated PG, but let’s face it; most of these jokes would make it a 12 certificate where I come from.

Hamton: (In awe) Gosh, mister… You saved us!

???: Ah, no probs, mate. I was going for a little walk in the woods, when I saw this bunch of dipsticks trying to kidnap you. I decided to do one of those Big Damn Heroes moments and it worked.

Fifi: (Happily) Vat eez your name, monsieur?

???: Me? I’m the Red-Cloaked Knight. Most people call me Dan, though.

Shirley: (To the camera) Like, wait a minute… we were rescued by a person associated with red… the writer of this fanfic has a penname with red in it… (To Dan) I totally know who you are, yer the author tryin’ ta shoehorn…

Dan suddenly grabs her bill and holds it shut.

Dan: (Hushed tones, to Shirley) Look, would you mind keeping your gob shut, love? Everybody used to put their personas in their works, alright? Shirley nods and he lets go. (To Hamton and Fifi) Okay, so what’s a princess, a pig, a loon and a caretaker doing here, then?

Fifi: (To Dan) Ve are going to England, monsieur, to find mon pére. Vous see…

Dan: (Interrupting) Some nasty pasty called Lord Sebastian has taken over Paris and this young lad (Points to Hamton) is the bloke who’s gonna stop him and save the day and the two of you are predictably going to get together.

Hamton: (Confused) Yes! How did you know? Do you have a crystal ball like Shirley?

Dan: (Flatly) No, I wrote the script.

HF&S: (In understanding) Ohhhh…

Dan: (Impressed) Before I decided to kick the bums of those bounders, I noticed that you three have pretty good fighting skills…except lazybones over there. He points to the unconscious Plucky.

Shirley: (Flattered) Like, thanks! (To the camera) We can inexplicably beat people up, so sue us, or some junk.

Dan: (Pondering) Yes, you’re quite nimble and powerful…but you lot need to learn how to master your abilities. I think I’ll help you do that. Come to my lodgings and I’ll teach you. Oh, by the way… He motions to the three horses and the donkey, who trot up to him. Do these belong to you? (To the camera) Before you say it, I’m no Mary Sue. I stubbed me toe during that fight! (To the trio) Come with me to the training ground!

Scene 23

The camera cuts to a snowy mountain. A blizzard is buffeting it, making the tiny house at the peak look invisible among the whooshing flakes. A nearby sign says REMOTE MOUNTAINOUS LOCATION: MIND THE PERILOUS DROPS. The camera cuts to what looks like a cosy 1950s living room in a British house. Dan walks over to the sofa, where Hamton, Fifi and Shirley are drinking what appears to be cocoa. Plucky is lying on the carpet like some sort of odd rug.

Dan: Bit chilly out there, innit? Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!

Hamton: (Sips his cocoa) I suppose it is…

Fifi: When are vous going to teach us ‘ow to fight, monsieur?

Dan: Well, you see, I like to have a cocoa break. I say that because I hate tea…and coffee. We’ll do some training after I’ve had me biccies. He opens his visor to drink his cocoa, and then shuts it again. I was going to wait for your mate to wake up so I could train him too, He points to Plucky. But I assumed he’s the comic relief.

Suddenly, Plucky jumps to his feet and stares Dan down.

Plucky: (Indignant) I resent that, you crimson-caped philistine! (Haughtily) I can be a great hero as well as some clown whose sole purpose is ta be a pathetic loser an’ give the audience a good laugh!

Dan: (To Plucky) Oh, I don’t know, it’s quite easy to laugh at you rather than with you.

Shirley: Like, ya got that right…

Plucky turns to glare at her as she smirks at the camera. Dan opens up his visor once again to eat a digestive before closing it again. He gets to his feet.

Dan: (To the group) Okay, lads and lasses, it’s time to do some training!

Fifi: (Excitedly, putting her cup down) Oui! Let us start, et rapidmont!

The camera cuts to complete darkness. Suddenly, a door in the top left corner of the screen opens, revealing it to be a basement. Dan turns on a rather modern light-switch to reveal several exercise mats, some barbells and several other equipment. The five characters descend the stairs.

Hamton: (Awestruck) Wow!

Dan: Glad you’re impressed. I got this set years ago when I had a midlife crisis and wanted to become a bodybuilder. (To the camera) The midlife crisis was a crisis in of itself because I’m too young to have a midlife crisis, but that’s another story. (To the group) Anyway, I reckon this junk will be more of use to you lot.

He takes out a book called “How to become a great warrior”. He looks at it intently.

Dan: According to this book, you have to do some warm-ups, being “centred” and all that rubbish.

The blonde loon’s eyes light up upon hearing this.

Shirley: (Happily) Like, that’s TOTALLY my forte!

The camera cuts to the quartet sitting on their own exercise mats. They are now all wearing gymnast attire. Dan watches from a corner of the room.

Shirley: (Closing her eyes) Like, okay everybody. Get into the lotus position.

Fifi: (Confused) Vat eez zat again? Could vous tell moi?

Shirley sits with her legs crossed and looks expectantly up at them.

Fifi: Oh! (Giggles) Eet eez zat one. Désolé, Shirley.

She and Hamton slowly sit down and cross their legs together.

Shirley: (Takes a deep breath) Now, we can begin…

Plucky: (Interrupts) Oh! Hang on! I need ta go to the bathroom!

Shirley: (Rolls her eyes) Like, okay then.

The green duck rushes offscreen. We can hear him run noisily up the stairs and we hear the door slam. Shirley, Hamton and Fifi cringe upon hearing the noise. Shirley takes a deep breath and starts again.

Shirley: (Serene) Okay. We can begin. Everybody chant “Om” in order ta strengthen yer aura.

The trio closes their eyes and each take a deep breath.

Hamton: Ommmmmmmmmmmm….

Fifi: Ommmmmmmmmmmm….

Abruptly, we hear a toilet flushing. Shirley, Hamton and Fifi are snapped out of their mantra. The blonde loon seethes with fury as we hear the sounds of a door opening and someone noisily descending a staircase. Then, Plucky runs back up to his exercise mat.

Plucky: (To Dan, sheepishly) Uh, ya might not wanna use that thing for a while… Regarding the others, he tries to get into a lotus position. (Grumbling) How is doing an impression of a pretzel gonna help us anyway?

Shirley: (Through gritted teeth) We’ll start again… Everybody chant “Om” in order ta strengthen yer aura.

The trio closes their eyes and each take a deep breath.

Hamton: Ommmmmmmmmmmm….

Fifi: Ommmmmmmmmmmm….

Plucky: (Confused) What’s an aura? Why do we hafta sit like this? How’s it gonna help us fight?

Shirley: (Taken aback) Well, we… the reason why we… (Angrily) Just… DO IT!! She calms down and takes a deep breath. Ommmmmmmmmmmm….

Hamton: Ommmmmmmmmmmm….

Fifi: Ommmmmmmmmmmm….

Plucky regards what his friends are doing. He shrugs at the camera and takes a deep breath.

Plucky: Errrrrrrrrrrrrrmagerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….

As he is doing this, ghostly blue figures of Fifi, Hamton and Shirley suddenly appear and surround him, baleful glares on each of their faces. They simultaneously crack their knuckles. After a beat, the auras jump the green duck and beat him up in a dust cloud of flying fists and feet.

Shirley: (Smugly) Allow your aura to pacify any annoyances in the room an’ you will be at peace.

The camera cuts to Dan and Hamton. They are standing in front of a punching bag. We can see Fifi in the background, viciously punching another bag which has a photograph of C. Pew on it.

Dan: (To Hamton) So, according to this prophecy, you’re the pig who’s gonna save France.

Hamton: Well, yes, but I, uh… (Sheepishly) I’ve…never used a sword before…

Dan: (Cheerfully) Well, you’ll be starting to get used to one! He hands Hamton an incredibly grimy sword. The pig reacts in horror at first. Suddenly, he becomes rigid. Robotically, he takes out some polish and a rag. The camera cuts back to Dan. While his helmet and visor cover his face, we can assume that he is rather freaked out by the pig’s behaviour. The camera zooms out to reveal that the sword is now sparkling.

Hamton: (Satisfied) There we go! All clean.

Dan: Yeah, it is, mate. Though it’s going to be really dirty quite often, you know. (Muses) Perhaps you could control your urge to clean…or to use it in battle… He turns to look at Fifi. Looks like the princess doesn’t need any mentoring…

The camera cuts to the skunkette. The stuffing is being blown out of the punching bag as she attacks it. She suddenly stops and turns to look sweetly at the camera.

Fifi: (Happily, to the camera) Vous may be wondering why ah am using zat Pew as ma, how-you-say, motivation. Vell, zere eez something about ‘im zat ah hate.

Plucky walks up to her and laughs mockingly.

Plucky: (To Fifi) Ex-boyfriend, is it?

Fifi snarls and punches the green duck in the chest. Plucky falls down, wheezing in pain.

Fifi: (Sweetly, to the camera) Et ‘e eez another thing zat ah hate. She turns her attention to Hamton. Hamtone eez learning ‘ow to fight. (Coos) Isn’t ‘e adorable?

The camera cuts back to Dan and Hamton. The knight hands the pig the now unnaturally clean sword. Hamton holds it with a trembling hand.

Dan: Right, I’ve got an idea. (To Hamton) Imagine that the villain is really, really dirty. And the only way to clean him is with your sword!

Hamton: B-But won’t the sword…?

Dan: (Interrupts) I know, I know. But try not to think about that…and try not to let the villain kill you…then you will get messy. He shows Hamton a nearby punching bag. Now, imagine that this punching, er, slashing bag is really dirty. That won’t be too hard because… it is really dirty.

Hamton squints at the soiled punching bag. His arm begins to quiver as he looks closer and closer at it.

Dan: Erm… you can put my idea into practice now… or can’t you hack it? (To the camera) Ha-ha! I made a joke!

Fifi, who is still watching Hamton, notices that he appears to be having problems with training. She crosses to them.

Fifi: (To Dan) Per’aps ah could ‘elp, monsieur. She gets closer to Hamton. (Whispers) Hamtone… ‘ow about tu do vat ah do in order to fight? Imagine zat ze bag eez Lord Sebastian.

Hamton is puzzled by the skunkette’s suggestion, but he decides to follow it. He closes his eyes in deep concentration. Then, after a beat, he opens them. The camera cuts to the punching bag. It slowly morphs into the image of Lord Sebastian. Hamton gasps at this development. Sebastian’s Illusion grins nastily at him.

Sebastian’s Illusion: (To Hamton) Give it up, peasant. Do you honestly think that you and your little posse can stop me now? It’s as likely as your chances of being with the princess. She doesn’t love you. She’d never associate herself with you, she…

Suddenly, an infuriated Hamton lunges at the vision, impaling him with his sword. The pig thrusts and slashes at the boar as it slowly morphs back into a torn punching bag. Fifi and Dan are shocked by the pig’s sudden outburst. Even Shirley, who’s been weight-lifting with her psychic abilities, senses Hamton’s lividness. As Hamton hacks and tears, he loses his grip of the sword and it flies upwards, getting stuck in the ceiling. Hamton just stands with his back to us, his body shaking and his fists clenched.

Dan: Flippin’ ‘eck! (To Fifi) This Sebastian chap must be pretty damn evil if he makes such a mild-mannered pig lose his rag like that!

Fifi: (To Dan) Oui, zat ‘e eez. Cautiously, she walks over to the shuddering pig. She places a comforting hand on his shoulder. The porcine leaps in the air in shock.

Hamton: (Shocked) AAGH! He pants as if he’s run a mile as he stares at Fifi in fear.

Fifi: (Gently) Hamtone, ah…ah am sorry. Forget about mon advice.

Hamton: (Abruptly) No! (Gently, after a beat) No, Fifi. It was good advice… It’ll, it’ll help me fight better…

Shirley: (Crossing over) Like, are ya sure, Fleche De Lard? Those negative vibes totally ain’t healthy… Something about Sebastian makes you angry… and it ain’t the fact that he’s taken over.

Hamton stares at the loon, knowing that she’s right. After a beat, he shakes his head.

Hamton: (Lying) N-No, Shirley, it’s nothing…nothing at all. It’s just that the punching bag was messy… or some junk.

Shirley raises an eyebrow, but says no more. She, along with the rest of us, is fully aware of Hamton’s crush on Fifi.

Dan: (After a beat) Awkward… (To the group) Alright, everybody, I think you’re all ready to defend yourselves for the remainder of your journey.

Shirley, Hamton and Fifi are about to walk away when Dan stops them.

Dan: (To Hamton) Wait! It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this! He undoes the flowing red cape on his armour. (To the camera) I know that didn’t make sense, but I had to make the reference, alright? He hands the red cape to Hamton. I want to give you this to remember me by…and this.

The camera cuts to the trio as Plucky limps over. We hear a clanking noise from offscreen. Then, we see Dan’s hands giving Hamton his body armour. The quartet look rather shocked by something we can’t see.

Plucky: (Chuckles) Not so impressive under that armour, are ya?

Dan: (Offscreen, to Plucky) Oi, shut your gob! (To Hamton) I want you to wear this from now on. It shows you’re a great hero, and the legacy you’ll create. Go on, try it on.

Hamton slowly puts on the heavy body armour. Surprisingly, it fits him! He tries to put on the red cape, but cannot.

Fifi: ‘Ere, let moi ‘elp. She takes the red cape and gently ties it around Hamton’s neck. As soon as it does this, it starts to flow. Hamton is surprised at this as he stands tall in his newfound attire.

Dan: (Offscreen) Where’s that draught coming from? Anyway, good luck finding the king, you lot. England’s not too far away, now. But I have to warn you…the weather’s rubbish there. We shall meet again someday. (Beat) Okay, see ya round. Laters!

Scene 24

Abruptly, the quartet is back in the woods where they were ambushed by the highwaymen. They are surprised by this turn of events. Fifi, Plucky and Shirley are now wearing their normal clothing. Hamton is still wearing the caped armour and is carrying his sword.

Shirley: Like, he seemed nice, or some junk.

Fifi: Oui! Et ‘e gave Fleche De Lard zat suit zat makes ‘im look trés heroic! She gets closer to Hamton. (Seductively) ‘E looks so strong…et mignon.

Hamton: (Blushing) Uh, th-thanks, Fifi. It sure feels better than my rags. (To the group) Now, let’s go. You heard what the Red Cloaked Knight said. We’re not too far from the border.

Plucky: Well, whadda we waitin’ for? Let’s get a move on before we run into any more trouble!

With that, the quartet begins to continue their journey through the woods. They are no longer frightened, as they are now able to defend themselves from further danger thanks to their training from Dan. It seems that England is only a few more footsteps away!


“Let’s all go to the lobby (you must REALLY be running out of snacks), let’s all go to the lobby (you must REALLY be running out of snacks)…”

Fleche De Lard will continue in Part 8.

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