Fleche De Lard

A Pirate's Strife for me!

Welcome back to Part 9 of:

Fleche De Lard

Scene 29

The camera is zoomed in on Plucky. He looks incredibly calm and pleased by what is going on around him.

Plucky: (Happily) It’s amazin’ how we were able ta get a boat during the intermission! (Grumbles) Though, why couldn’t it have been a cruise liner?

The camera pans out to reveal that he, Shirley and Fifi in a rowing boat out at sea. The rain is still pouring down on them. Fifi’s eyes are red, and she looks incredibly depressed. The green duck is rowing the boat, and is clearly having trouble in doing so.

Shirley: (To Plucky) Like, shut up an’ row, Plucky. She turns to look worriedly at Fifi. The princess hasn’t spoken since Hamton’s sudden confrontation and abandonment of the team. (To Fifi) Like, are ya okay?

Fifi: (Sniffs) Ah…ah am fine, Shirley. It’s obvious that she isn’t. We ‘ave to save mon pére…et ah must not let Hamtone’s… She takes a deep breath, swallowing her emotions. …leaving stop moi.

Shirley: Like, if ya want, Plucky an’ I will go on that ship an’ save yer dad. You’re totally in no state ta fight anyone.

Plucky: (Cheerfully) Yeah! And since that prophecy’s a load of claptrap, that means that I’ll be the hero of this movie!

Shirley: (To Plucky, angry) Like, the prophecy is NOT a lie, Plucky! This is serious. Only Fleche De Lard can stop Sebastian an’ save all of France. It’s gonna be totally dangerous tryin’ ta save the king without him. (To Fifi) But what bugs me though, is what made Hamton think that the prophecy was fake.

Plucky: (Gulps) I dunno. Suddenly, he points at something offscreen. Look!

Fifi and Shirley look ahead. The camera cuts to a ship moored in the sea. We see the words “THE SEEDY” written in gold on the side of it. There is a pirate flag on the top of the crow’s nest.

Shirley: (Shocked) Like, pirates?! (To the camera) That’s predictable…

Fifi: (Sniffs) No matter… ve ‘ave to get mon pére… (To Plucky) Keep rowing!

Reluctantly, Plucky continues to do so. As they get closer to the ship, Fifi looks down at the water and sees her reflection. She blinks and sees Hamton next to her in the water. He brandishes his sword with a confident grin. The skunkette blinks out some tears and dips her finger in the water, creating ripples which distort the reflection.

Fifi: (Thinking) Oh, Hamtone, where are tu?

The camera cuts to Hamton. He is trudging along a country road, dragging his sword on the ground. He stops and turns to look at the sea in the distance. He sighs, before continuing his walk.

The camera cuts to the Seedy. We can see several pirates on deck. They’re drinking and singing rowdily. They appear to be celebrating. This is most likely due to the capture of the king. The Captain comes out of his quarters. He is wearing a coat that is coloured red, blue and white, like a Union Jack.

Captain: Ee, by gum! We’ve done it, lads! We’ve captured the king of France! That Sebastian’ll have to pay us, now! Play us a song to celebrate, First-Mate Formby!

One of the pirates, who has a banjolele, steps forward. We can assume this is Formby.

Formby: Ee, turned out nice again, hasn’t it?

He begins to play his instrument and begins to sing something about leaning on lampposts.

The camera cuts to the side of the ship, where the rowing boat has come up alongside it.

Fifi: Alright…zis eez vat we do. Ve get onto ze ship et order zese ruffians to release mon pére.

Shirley: (Concerned) But, like, they’re pirates! They ain’t gonna let the king go like that!

Fifi: (Determined) Eef we ‘ave to fight, zen zat eez vat we shall do.

Plucky reclines on the boat with a complacent look on his face. Shirley and Fifi look at him with a mixture of anger and confusion.

Plucky: (Cheerfully) Well, good luck! I’ll stay here an’ make sure the boat doesn’t sail away.

Shirley: (Angrily) Like, no you ain’t. Yer comin’ with us!

Plucky’s eyes snap open in shock.

Plucky: (Protests) What?! B-But I’m the sidekick! What can a sidekick do against vicious bloodthirsty pirates?!

Shirley: Well, like, since you think the prophecy’s a loada hogwash, ya should be just as capable as Fleche De Lard. You can totally protect us from the pirates, or some junk!

Fifi: (Angrily, to Plucky) Oui, et vous can go first! Zat eez un order!

Plucky: (Defiantly, to Fifi) You ain’t the boss of me, princess!

The camera cuts to the deck of the ship. Suddenly, Plucky slams onto it. He slowly picks himself up.

Plucky: (Bitterly, to the camera) I’d better get paid extra for this…

The camera zooms out to reveal that the pirates have all crowded around the green duck. He does a double take and jumps to his feet, his eyes darting around as the outlaws surround him.

Plucky: (Chuckles nervously) Err…ahoy there, mateys! I’m…uh…the new parrot?

Pirate Jason: (In shock) Blummin’ ‘eck! It’s Count Duckula!

Plucky: (Confused) Who?!

Suddenly, Captain British pushes his way through the pirates. Plucky swallows hard as he looks up at the scary man.

Plucky: (Nervously) Uhh…nice coat?

C. British: (Flattered) You think so? Plucky nods nervously. (To his crew) Ee, what a lovely lad! It’s too bad we have to make you walk the plank!

Plucky: (Shocked) What?! No! I…I wanna be a pirate, it’s always been my DREAM ta be a pirate! I’m an actor, I can be anything I want! The pirates gang up on him, backing him into a corner. I-I’ve got a jar of dirt!

The pirates all stop as he says this. They ponder for a beat.

Formby: I don’t get it.

As soon as Formby says this, they resume their murderous advance. Suddenly…

Fifi: (Offscreen) Stop! Zat eez un Royal order!

C. British and his crew stop in confusion. They turn around to see Fifi and Shirley standing on the deck.

Jason: By ‘eck! Another Frenchie!

Plucky: (To Jason) Yeah, uh…technically, we’re all French.

Fifi: (Angrily, to C. British) Oui, et ah believe zat vous ‘ave mon pére. Ah order vous to release ‘im!

C. British: (Sarcastically) Oh, I am sorry, me dear. If we do that, how’re we going to get our reward from Sebastian?

Formby: And you can’t tell us what to do ‘cos we’re British and you’re French…and the fact that we’re pirates so we don’t follow rules anyway.

Shirley: (Angrily) Like, we’re warnin’ you. We’ll kick yer butts if ya don’t let the king go!

Plucky: (Whispers, to C. British) Do what they say. Trust me…one of ‘em’s a witch!

Jason: Gerroff our ship! You’re both women…and it’s bad luck to have ‘em on board!

Shirley: Like, yer bad luck’s already begun!

C. British: (Musing) We don’t really do violence towards women… (Angrily) But we’ll make an exception for you lot. (To the pirates) ATTACK!

The pirates charge towards the girls, who get ready to fight.

Scene 30

The camera abruptly cuts to Hamton, who is continuing his melancholy stroll along the country road. The rain isn’t as strong as before. He stops and looks around, wondering where he is.

Hamton: I wonder where I am. (Beat) How should I know, I’ve never been to England. He sighs and sits down, his torn cape getting muddy. I suppose this place could be my new home. It’s no different from my old one. (Bitterly) I bet the princess has saved her father by now…even if I did go with her, she woulda left me anyhow. I guess it serves me right for believing that I could ever have a chance with her.

Dan: (Offscreen) I must say that’s a very defeatist attitude you have, mate.

Hamton looks up to see Dan walking up to him. He is wearing a barrel where his body armour should be. The pig sighs and sulks.

Dan: What’s the matter, Distraught Derek? What’re you doing out here?

Hamton: (Bitterly) Go away…

Dan: This isn’t a very heroic attitude, pal. He sits down beside the pig. Come on, tell me what’s wrong.

Hamton: It turns out that this whole quest was a waste of time. I…He takes a deep breath. I just found out that Fi…the princess has been lying to me.

Dan: Has she now?

Hamton: It turns out that the prophecy was a sham. She was just pretending to love me so that I’d escort her here. Once we would save her father… (Chokes) she’d leave me…

He swallows his emotions.

Dan: A sham, eh? Now, who told you that?

Hamton: P-Plucky overheard her. She even said she’d leave me and never see me again…

Dan: (Chuckles) Now, that’s not true, mate.

Hamton: (Angrily) Yes, it is. I heard her as well! He turns his back on Dan. Why am I even talkin’ to you anyway? You’re probably someone she paid in advance ta keep the charade up.

Dan: I know for a fact that she didn’t say that. I wrote this fill-um!

Hamton: (Dismissively) You’re just saying that’s so I’ll go back an’ help her.

Dan: Oh, yeah? Take my hand. I want to show you something.

Reluctantly, Hamton holds Dan’s hand. Suddenly, the country road fades and turns into the corridor in Constance’s house. Hamton and Dan are now outside the bedroom door.

Hamton: (Sarcastically, to the camera) Oh, great. THIS happy memory. (To Dan) I know what she said, okay?

Dan: I know…but you didn’t hear the rest of it! Now, listen.

Hamton closes his eyes and grits his teeth as he prepares himself for what Fifi is about to say.

Fifi: (Offscreen) Once we find mon pére…ah shall leave ‘im et never see ‘im again.

Hamton feels tears welling up and tries to leave, but the Red-Cloaked Knight stops him.

Dan: (To Hamton) Wait for it…

Shirley: (Offscreen)Like, listen to me, Fifi. You love Hamton, don’t ya?

Dan: (To Hamton) She nodded when Shirley asked that.

Shirley: (Offscreen)An’ yer dad is nothin’ like the Royal Council. He totally wants ya ta be happy.

Hamton’s eyes open as he hears the loon say this.

Shirley: (Offscreen) I’m sure that, once he sees that yer happy with Hamton, he’ll gladly abolish that rule where ya can only marry a prince. An’ besides, since when have YOU followed rules anyway?

Fifi: (Offscreen, giggles) Oui, vous are right. Ah do not know what ah was worried about. Merci, Shirley.

Before the pig can say anything, he and Dan are back at the country road. It has stopped raining, although it is still a bit overcast.

Dan: (To Hamton) See? It was all just a huge misunderstanding.

Hamton: (Awestruck) Wow… Fifi wasn’t lying to me. (Happy) She DOES love me! He begins to leap in the air, whooping with joy. Suddenly, he stops his celebration. (Worried) Wait a minute… Plucky told me that Fifi had lied to me… (Gradually getting angry) He told me to leave the group…

He begins to pace around madly.

Hamton: (Furious) I got mad at her an’ told her I never wanted ta see her again. After THAT performance, she’ll never talk ta me again! It’s ALL THAT DUCK’S FAULT!!

He storms over to Dan and sulks.

Dan: (Cheerfully) Oh, don’t worry. I get the feeling Fifi will find out what Plucky’s done.

The camera cuts to the pirate ship. Shirley is using her psychic abilities to throw cannonballs at some of the pirates, knocking them overboard. Fifi is punching and kicking Jason viciously. As the pirate stumbles about, she turns and fires some of her musk at the pirate, knocking him out. Plucky runs for his life. He is being chased by some sword-wielding pirates.

Plucky: (To Shirley) Shirl, get these guys off me!!

Shirley: Like, no way, Plucky. Yer a hero now. Fight ‘em yourself! She sends another cannonball flying.

Plucky: (Frustrated) AW, C’MON!! If only Fleche De Lard were here! Why did I tell him that the princess was lying?!

Fifi, who was currently beating the brains out of some of the crewmembers, stops dead in her tracks as she hears the duck say those words. In fact, everybody on deck stops their fighting!

Fifi: (Incredulous) Vat…did vous say?

Plucky begins to get incredibly nervous as several eyes stare at him.

Plucky: (Gulps) Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was just the wind.

Formby: Ee, no you didn’t. You said something about telling a fella called Fleche De Lard that the princess had told porkies to him!

Plucky: (Angrily, to Formby) Tattletale!

Fifi storms angrily up to the green duck, who turns white with terror.

Fifi: (Deadly calm) Vous made ze only hero who could save France leave moi?

Plucky: (Chuckles nervously) Err, I might have said something… Suddenly, Fifi grabs him by the throat.

Fifi: (Screams furiously) VOUS RUINED ZE ONLY RELATIONSHIP ZAT AH EVER ‘AD!!

She swings Plucky like a hammer, knocking several pirates off their feet.

Fifi: (Sobbing) ‘E was ze only garcon ah truly loved!! She hits Plucky against a cannon, knocking several teeth out. Ah was going to marry ‘im!! She hits Plucky repeatedly against the deck. Et vous tell ‘im zat ah was lying!! She swings Plucky and hits some of the pirates with him. Ah will never see ‘im again… BECAUSE OF VOUS!!

Plucky: (Groggily) I’m thorry… it wath a mithunderthtanding…

Growling, Fifi throws him aside, where he gets stuck in the rigging.

Plucky: (Dazedly) I think I had a brain haemorrhage…

Fifi just stands there, shaking with both anger and sadness. C. British watches her amidst the unconscious pirates. The skunkette holds her head in her hands and begins to weep softly. Shirley throws a cannonball at Plucky with her psychic abilities, hitting him in the face. She crosses over to the sobbing princess.

Shirley: (Concerned) Fifi…like, I’m so sorry…

Fifi: (Sobs) Zat duck ‘as ruined everything. Ah loved zat cochon… et… et now ‘e no longer loves moi…because of ‘im! She points at Plucky.

C. British: (Mock compassion) Oh, dear me. Never mind, love. There’s plenty more fish in the sea. He brandishes a sword. It’s a right shame you won’t have the chance to find another!

Fifi: (To C. British) Fine… just kill moi. Ah do not care…

Shirley: (Shocked, to Fifi) Like, what?! Ya…ya can’t!

C. British: (To Shirley) Shut your face, Black Ey’d Susan. You lot may have beaten the pants off me crew, but I’m not letting you get the king and ruin my arrangements with Sebastian! (To the camera) I think I’ll stab her slowly for a bit of dramatic effect. There’s no way that’ll backfire!

He holds the sword above Fifi, preparing to run her in with it. The blonde loon watches in horror, unable to do anything for some reason!

Scene 31

The camera cuts to Dan and Hamton.

Dan: (To the camera) Oh, crumbs. (To Hamton) It looks like they need your help pretty damn urgently!

Hamton: (Confused) What? How d’you know?

Dan: I wrote the script.

Hamton: Oh, right. (Panics) I gotta get to the Seedy! He begins to run back from where he was walking from when Dan stops him.

Dan: Where are you going? He points to a nearby cannon. Use this.

Hamton: (Puzzled) Where did that come from?

Dan: (Shrugs) I dunno. Plot convenience. (Urgently) Now, quick, climb in! It’ll take you to the pirate ship in a jiffy!

Hamton: (Disgusted) Eww, it’s filthy! Hold on! Brandishing a sponge and some soapy water, he begins to clean the cannon in fast motion. When he’s finished, the cannon is now clean and shiny. (Satisfied) There we go!

He climbs into it. Dan walks over to the cannon and aims it.

Dan: (Musing) Okay… where is that ship? We get a view of the country road. We can see the ocean in the distance. Suddenly, the camera zooms in on a ship in the distance. We can see the words: “THE SEEDY” on it. (Triumphantly) There it is!

Hamton: (Offscreen) Y’know, I was thinking. This method doesn’t seem very safe.

Dan: I know. Awesome, innit? It’s the only way to get you to the Seedy in time to stop the pirate captain killing Fifi.

Hamton: (Shocked) WHAT?! Fifi’s in danger?! Hurry, fire this thing!

Dan: Righto! He lights the fuse with some Swanmatches. (To Hamton) Do an epic pose before you get fired out.

Hamton: Why?

Dan: You’ll look more tremendous that way.

Hamton: Oh…okay, then!

We get a close-up of the fuse as it slowly burns out.

With a deafening BOOM!! The cannon is fired. Hamton flies out of it like a rocket. He is posing like a superhero, with his sword by his side and one fist outstretched. He rockets out over the sea towards the pirate ship.

Hamton: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

The camera cuts to a tearful Fifi awaiting her fate. C. British’s sword is slowly lowering down towards her. Shirley stands there looking annoyed by the sluggishness.

Shirley: Like, Fifi, we can still get yer dad an’ get outta here.

C. British: What? An’ ruin me dramatic moment? I think not!

Fifi just closes her eyes as a few tears trickle down her cheeks. The camera cuts to Shirley, who suddenly notices something offscreen. It appears to heading straight for the captain.

Shirley: Like, captain…look out.

C. British: (To Shirley) Will you give over distracting me? What makes you think I’ll fall for that old trick?

Abruptly, C. British is punched in the back by Hamton, who has flown to the Seedy from the cannon. The force of the blow sends the captain flying away from the skunkette and over the side into the sea. Fifi opens her eyes in confusion. She suddenly hears a familiar voice.

Hamton: (Excited) Woo-hoo! What a ride, I wanna do that again!!

Fifi’s eyes widen with happy tears as she looks down to see Hamton picking himself up and dusting himself down. Shirley looks excited to see the pig as well.

Fifi: (Tearfully happy) HAMTONE!!

As Hamton turns around, the ecstatic skunkette jumps him, wrapping her arms and tail around him. He loses his balance and they fall over onto the deck.

Fifi: (Joyful sobs) Oh, Hamtone, tu came back, TU CAME BACK! Ah… ah thought zat ah would never see tu again!

Hamton: (Happily cries) F-Fifi! I-I’m so sorry for all the things I said back at the harbour! I-I n-never thought you’d wanna see me again!

Fifi: (Sobs) Hamtone, ah was not lying to you. Je te aime, Hamtone, et ah always will!

Hamton: (Sobs) I know, I know! I love you too, Fifi. I’ve loved you from the start. Please forgive me for doubting your affections!

Fifi: Mais eet was not your fault. Eet was zat…

C. British: (Offscreen) OI! Give over with your lovey-dovey rubbish on me ship!

Fifi and Hamton relinquish their embrace in shock. A soaked C. British is clambering back onto the ship, a fierce scowl on his face.

C. British: (Furious, to Hamton) What the bloody hell are you playing at, punching me while flying out of a cannon at something miles an hour?! I think I’m bleedin’ internally!

Hamton: (To C. British) Heh, heh…sorry. Though in my defence, you were gonna kill Fifi.

C. British: An’ this is how you save her?! If this wasn’t a cartoon, I could’ve been seriously hurt!

Plucky: (Groggily) How d’ya think I theel? He clamps a hand over his bill as everybody turns their attention to him. Hamton and Fifi get to their feet, glaring balefully at him.

Hamton: (Livid, to Plucky) Speaking of seriously hurt…

He stomps over to the injured green duck and grabs him by the throat, pulling him out of the rigging. He stares snout to bill at him.

Hamton: (Deadly calm) Lying to me, was she? He whacks C. British with the green duck, causing his eye to pop out. Having me on, was she? He bonks C. British on the head with the green duck. ONLY PRETENDING TO LOVE ME, WAS SHE?! He slams Plucky repeatedly on the deck. YOU…He punches Plucky in the face. NEARLY… He punches Plucky in the gut. RUINED… He snaps Plucky’s spine over his knee. MY RELATIONSHIP!! He thrusts Plucky back into his face. What’ve ya got ta say for yourself, you greedy, ugly second-rater?!

Plucky: (Groggily) I can’t theel my anything…

Disgusted, Hamton throws him aside and turns his attention to C. British, who is tending to his wounds. Formby, who has come to, has witnessed the infuriated attack.

Formby: Ooh, mother!

Hamton: (Deadly calm, to C. British) Where’s the king?

C. British: (Gulps) He’s err… he’s in me quarters.

Fifi: (Sweetly, to C. British) Merci beaucoup!

As Hamton, Fifi and Shirley walk to the door which says “CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS”, Formby looks at the captain in disbelief.

Formby: (Puzzled) Ee, what’s the game, captain? Are you just going to let ‘em take the king and leave?

C. British: (Sinisterly) Am I ‘eck…

We cut to a view of the captain’s quarters. We are looking at the door. It is incredibly dark, but light floods slowly into the room as the door is cautiously opened. The trio peer into the room.

Fifi: Father… are tu in ‘ere?

There is no reply. The skunkette looks just about ready to cry, before the pig points at something offscreen.

Hamton: Hey! I see someone!

The camera cuts to a figure sitting in the corner of the room. As Shirley opens the door, we see that the king is…

Pepe: (Dazedly) Bonjour, mes amis! Do any of vous ‘ave any croissants?

Fifi: (Gasps, overjoyed) Father! We ‘ave found tu at last!

She rushes over to the king and hugs him. Pepe looks a bit confused, but returns her embrace warmly. Hamton and Shirley walk over to the king, looking incredibly happy that they’ve found the king at last.

Plucky: (Offscreen) Wait a minute!! Everybody turns to see a fully-recovered duck barge into the room. (To the camera) This is the big reveal?! Pepe Le Pew is the king?! That’s more anticlimactic than the final battle against Voldemort! Who else out there saw this coming a mile awa-

Shirley: (Angrily interrupting) Plucky. Shut yer mouth.

Hamton: (To Pepe) Bonjour, your highness. He bows to the king. We’ve come to save you, and France.

Pepe: (Confused) Pourquoi? Vat eez wrong avec mon country?

Fifi, Hamton, Shirley and Plucky look at each other with exasperation.

Plucky: (To Pepe) Your majesty…didn’t you get in the least bit suspicious when these pirates made ya get on yer ship?!

Pepe: (Muses) Ah wondered why zey locked moi in ‘ere.

Fifi: (To Pepe) Father, zat Lord Sebastian ‘as taken over! Come avec moi et Fleche De Lard et tu can stop ‘im!

Suddenly, we hear a female voice speaking in a cockney accent.

???: (Offscreen) ‘Ey! ‘E’s not going anywhere until we finish our alone time, alright?

Everyone turns to see Penelope Pussycat in another corner of the room.

Shirley: (Confused, to Penelope) Like, who are you?

Pepe: (Chuckles sheepishly) Zat eez Penelope. Ah met ‘er during mon vacances dans L’Angleterre. Ve fell in love…et ah was going to take ‘er back to Paris avec moi.

Penelope: (To Pepe) You sure we’re goin’ to Paris, luvvie? You and your daughter are the only Frenchies ‘ere. The rest of ‘em are Yanks!

Hamton: (Sighs) She’ll hafta come with us. He takes Fifi’s hand. C’mon, your majesty. Those pirates won’t bother us now…

Jason: (Offscreen) Don’t be so sure, ya little sausage roll!

The camera cuts to C. British, Formby and Jason. They are now blocking the way out.

Pepe: (To the pirates) So eet seems zat zis was not un bien ship after all! Zat eez, how-you-say, false advertising!

C. British: That’s true, King Stinky, me lad. But the reward that this Sebastian bloke will give us isn’t false at all!

Plucky: (To Shirley) How much d’ya bet it is?

C. British: Can you imagine how many cuppas we’ll be able to drink once we get all that bob? The whole lot of you must be thick if you think we’re just gonna let you go.

Formby: That’s right! You’re all French! Why aren’t you surrendering?

Hamton steps forward, brandishing his sword.

Hamton: (To Pepe) Stand back, your highness! We’ll deal with these guys. (To Fifi and Shirley) Let’s show ‘em who’s boss!

Fifi: Oui!

Shirley: Like, for sure!

C. British: (To Formby and Jason) ATTACK!! Again.

Hamton charges forward and tackles the captain, knocking him out of the quarters. Fifi and Shirley follow him out. Jason and Formby just stand there and let them pass without making any effort to stop them.

C. British: (To his crew) Give over standing there like lemons and do them in!

Jason: (Shocked) You’re having a laugh, aren’t ya? One of ‘em flamin’ stinks!

Formby: (Sobs) I’ve broke me banjo!

C. British: Oh, for gawd’s sake! I’ll fight ‘em meself!

Shirley uses her abilities to levitate several cannonballs. She aims them at the captain.

Shirley: (Confidently) Like, go right ahead. Take yer best shot.

Fifi: (Mockingly) Oui! We ‘ave defeated your men. We shall defeat vous as well!

C. British: (To Shirley and Fifi) That’s cheating! I may be a bloodthirsty murderer, but I believe in a fair fight. He points at Hamton. He’s got a sword, and so do I. I’ll fight him! (To the camera) I’m more likely to win that way.

Hamton: (Thinking) Oh, great. My first sword-fight. Okay, now remember what the Red-Cloaked Knight told you…

Abruptly, C. British swings his sword at the pig. Hamton obliviously parries it while he is musing on what to do.

Hamton: (Thinking) Was it…clean your sword?

C. British thrusts his sword…but Hamton ducks out of the way and slashes at the captain’s belt. His pants fall down to reveal brown boxer-shorts. Fifi and Shirley burst out laughing.

Hamton: Oh, yeah! It was imagine that your opponent is dirty, and the only way to clean them is with your sword! He turns to look at C. British, who is frantically trying to hold up his pants. (In disgust) To use Shirley’s words: you TOTALLY need cleanin’ up, for sure!

C. British: (To Hamton, furious) Shut up an’ duel, pork-features!

He slashes at Hamton, who deftly leaps out of the way and latches onto the spars. C. British rushes over to him and slashes his sword once again. The pig leaps out of the way and the captain accidentally slices the ropes. With a CRUNCH, one of the masts lands on him.

Shirley: (To Fifi) Like, we saw him cleanin’ up. Whadda ya think of his fighting?

Fifi: ‘E eez trés nimble…et subtle, too. (To the camera) Ah wonder what ‘is sword eez like when eet isn’t being used in battle? She winks.

C. British staggers towards Hamton, who stands there innocently.

C. British: (Groggily, to Hamton) Is that all you’ve got? Me sister fights better than you…and I don’t have a sister!

Hamton gently taps the captain, causing him to fall down with a thud. C. British is out cold. The trio turn to look at the dumbfounded Jason and Formby.

Jason: (Terrified) Uh… Bye!

He dives overboard.

Formby: Ta-ra!

He dives overboard as well. The camera cuts to a view of them swimming out to sea in terror.

Hamton: (To Fifi and Shirley) We did it! Now, let’s get the king and get outta-

Shirley: (Terrified) Look out!!

Hamton turns and we get a shot of a fist flying at him from his point of view. We hear a dull thump and everything goes dark.

Fifi: (Horrified, offscreen) NON!!

INTERMISSION

“Let’s all go to the lobby, let’s all go to the lobby…”

Fleche De Lard will conclude in Part 10.

Continue Reading Next Chapter

About Us

Inkitt is the world’s first reader-powered book publisher, offering an online community for talented authors and book lovers. Write captivating stories, read enchanting novels, and we’ll publish the books you love the most based on crowd wisdom.