When Felicity woke up the next morning she immediately saw a note next to the coffee machine that was full of fresh coffee.
When to work. Remember...make yourself at home. This is your place too.
Felicity smiled and made herself a cup of coffee. She sat down at the relaxed for a little bit. She had to be at work for 9am to start her first shift. She was really nervous because she had heard how hectic the NYC ER could be.
The very moment she walked in the doors of the ER she realized just how right she was. It was noisy and everyone was running around like crazy. She felt her heart pounding just standing there but she was excited to start.
"I'm looking for Dr. Giddings," she mentioned to the young guy she saw at the front desk.
"Why?" he replied a little rudely and not even looking up from the computer.
"I'm the new resident here," Felicity said already a little agrivated.
"Yeah um...he should be out any minute," he said briefly glancing at the clock but looking back at the computer.
"Could you look at me when I'm talking to you?" she said annoyed.
"Why?" he asked still not looking up.
Felicity really didn't want to bother anymore so she just went to sit down for a minute. Just then she heard someone call the name "Dr. Giddings!" and the guy that had just walked in front of her turned and said something back to the person. She then jumped up.
"Dr. Giddings!" Felicity said standing right in front of him and he jumped a little.
"Yeah?" he said as some other doctor was trying to talk to him. Felicity waited til they were done and continued.
"Hi, I'm Felicity Covington. I'm the new resident."
"Oh hi, you can call me Andrew," he said shaking her hand, "you've got a busy couple weeks ahead of you. It takes a lot of time and energy to get used to this place."
"Well I'm ready," she said as he started taking her around.
Felicity stumbled into the apartment and collapsed on the couch. She let a big sigh as Noel came out of his office.
"How was your first day?" he asked.
"It was insane. I don't know if I took a breath all day long," she said tossing off her shoes onto the floor.
"You love it don't you?" he asked with a smile as he started making tea in the kitchen.
"Of course," she said as she smiled at him, "I'm still exhaused and starving."
"Well dinner is almost ready," he said.
"It smells great! I had no idea you were such a great cook."
"There are many things you don't know about me."
"I'm starting to realize that," she said sitting up, "it's pretty funny how you were always my best friend but there was so much I didn't know about you."
"Because all you ever really cared about was Ben," Noel said smiling trying to make that some sort of a joke but it didn't quite come out right.
"Noel..." Felicity said getting up and walking over towards him.
"No really it's ok. I mean, it's my fault that I was so in love with you when you only loved Ben. I should have been a better friend and stopped loving you like that," he said paying a lot of attention to the tea he was making.
"Noel..." she said putting her hand on top of his, "I've always loved you. I've never met a guy like you in my entire life."
"Then why'd you always go to Ben?" he asked finally looking at her and she could see the pain in his eyes.
"I don't know," she said looking away from him and starting to pace, "I don't know why I did a lot of things in my 20's. I look back on my entire relationship with Ben and I'm not sure what I loved about him so much. Yeah it was passionate and it was complicated but in the long run that just wasn't enough. What I find so funny is that as long as I've known him he's always been just as jealous of you as you were of him."
"Really?" Noel said with a smile, "I know I shouldn't be happy about that but I am."
"Yeah, I think I thought I could turn what Ben and I had into more than it was but I never did."
"Yeah?" he said handing her a cup of tea.
"I always found myself wondering about what it would have been like if I'd chosen you all that time ago. I wondered if the thing with Hannah and Eli hadn't happened what might have happened with us," she said sitting down at the kitchen table with her tea.
"You would have still chosen Ben," he said taking a sip of tea.
"I don't know about that," she said trying to get him to look at her.
"Yeah, I don't," he said getting up and heading towards his room.
"Where are you going Noel?" she said standing up.
"To my room."
"Because I can't do all this anymore. I'd be the stupidest guy on the planet to go in this direction again to just have Ben sweep you off your feet all over again. Leaving me on the sidelines being the best friend again. I mean...I could never not be your best friend but I just can't do anymore than that," he said noticably upset.
"But Noel..."Felicity said walking towards him.
"Good night Felicity," he said walking in his room and closing the door.
Felicity just stood there for what seemed like forever realizing that all she was doing and has been doing to Noel for as long as she'd known him wasn't fair. Why had she always chosen Ben? Why did she think that Ben was her soulmate all these years? He didn't know her like Noel. Ben didn't make her her heart fill so much when she saw him that she thought it'd explode, Noel did. More than having Noel in her arms she just really wanted Noel happy. Right then she realized that maybe she couldn't do that for him.
Felicity didn't see Noel at all the next day. She realized that she really needed to get her own apartment. It would be best for everyone. As she was going through the classifieds the phone rang.
"Hello?" Felicity answered.
"Hey, it's Megean," she said as Felicity felt disappointed it wasn't Noel, "don't you work?"
"Not today," she laughed, "but I'm looking for an apartment right now.
"Why bother? It's a lot easy to bonk Noel if you live together," she said as she heard Megean's kids running around her.
"Megean! Your kids!"
"Yeah yeah, Sean is always yelling at me for how I talk around the kids. I figure...they're going to learn it eventually," she said in her usual tone.
"Well, Noel and I just can't live together right now."
"So much sex you guys not making it to work?"
"Megean! We're not even divorced yet!"
"Ok...so you guys haven't fucked yet huh?"
"So what's the problem?"
"He's not over what I did to him and I don't blame him," Felicity said sadly.
"I don't blame him either," Megean said bluntly.
"Felicity, you used Noel. You used him when you couldn't have Ben and that's the truth. If you have truly realized that it's Noel that you want you are going to have to put yourself on the line. You are going to have to prove to him without a doubt that he is who you want to be with," Megean said, "Aries I'm on the phone. Go make mommy a glass of diet coke."
"Wow, where did that come from?"
"All that maternal instinct or something I guess."
"You're right though."
"I'm always right, you just don't normally listen to me."
"Well, I'm listening this time," Felicity said.
"Did you and Noel want to do dinner with me, Sean, Elena and her guy tonight?"
"Sure, well I'll ask Noel but it's probably fine."
"Great, meet us at Hannigan's at 7. Ok, ok I'm coming. Chill!" Megean said to her children.
"Bye," Felicity said with a laugh.
Felicity waited until quarter of 7 but Noel never came home so before she left she put a note on the refrigerator telling him where everyone would be. The resteraunt was only a few blocks away from the apartment so she decided to walk. She thought back to her college years and all the amazing times she had with Noel. She thought about all the laughing, the long talks, how he'd always been there for her and how she would get these tingles everytime they looked at each other. She remembered all the times she chose Ben over Noel and all the times she'd regretted it. She even remembered the amazing night she spent on the roof with Noel. That one night it was almost as if Ben had never existed. So why on earth did she go back to Ben?
Half way through apetizers Noel showed up.
"Sorry, I had to go to see my lawyer again," he said sitting down and giving a smile to Felcity as if to say hi.
"How is that all going anyway?" Elena asked.
"It couldn't be worse, but I don't really want to talk about that tonight," he said ordering a beer.
Felicity touched Noel's leg under the table gently and looked at him as if to say how sorry she was. Sorry about what was going on with his divorce, sorry about the fight they had last night and sorry for all those years ago she'd broken his heart. His hand then touched hers and smiled back. It was still uncomfortable though.
After dinner they sat there still having drinks and talking. They all had so much to catch up on. Elena was starting her own practice and Sean had actually sold one of his inventions. Then the song "Do What You Have To Do" by Sarah McLauchlan came on and the others got up to dance to it. Felicity and Noel sat there in a sea of tension.
"I should probably head back. I have some things I have to look over for tomorrow and I really need to get sleep to look at apartments tomorrow before work..." she said as Noel suddenly stood up. He looked down at her and took her hand. He then led her onto the dance floor. Just then Felicity realized she'd never danced with Noel before and it felt so warm comfortable. She couldn't believe she hadn't danced with him before. Ben was never a very good dancer but Noel was very smooth. His arm around her and his hand touching her lower back. She leaned her head on his shoulder and let out a sweet breath of ecstacy. She could feel his heart pounding so hard next to hers.
Just then she looked up at him during these lyrics:
And I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you go
When she realized that those lyrics couldn't be more true. She'd never let Noel go. She'd always been in love with 2 guys but Noel was not only someone she was in love with but he was her best friend. At that moment she'd never wanted to kiss someone, to touch them so much. She could feel he felt the same exact way.
Just then his hand was grazing her cheek so slowly and it was as if her mind turned to mush. She'd always wondered what true unadulturated ecstacy felt like and right at that moment she knew. Right at that moment she knew that for the rest of her life she didn't want to be in anyone's arms but his. She realized that nothing could come between her finally being with him and that she'd make him realize that he was everything to her.
This time she took everything into her own hands. She closed her eyes and leaned in to kiss him but in her nervous state she kissed his neck. He took it as her changing her mind and he just pulled her in close. A few more tears rolled down her cheak because all she wanted was him. Once you realize what you want nothing hurts more than to not have it. Right then she realized how it felt for Noel all those years and she started really crying right there.
Noel then pulled her away and looked at her with very sad eyes. He then had a small smile and wiped away her tears with his finger. He put his arm around her and after he said goodbye to everyone he walked her home.
In the elevator of his apartment building was shear torture. She was leaning against the wall and Noel was leaning over her. They were on the verge of kissing but neither could find the courage though at the same time they couldn't find the strength to pull away either. When they got to his floor Felicity smiled at him and took his hand leading him to his apartment. As they walked up to the door Noel wrapped his arms around her from behind when suddenly someone walked from out of the dark of the hallway. It was Ben.
"Hey," he said obviously sad at what he saw.
"Hey," Felicity said stepping out of Noel's arms.
"Can we talk?" Ben asked as Noel walked towards the door.
Felicity looked back at Noel trying to convey to him that she had to talk to him for a moment and that he had nothing to worry about. Noel just nodded and went inside. Felicity and Ben went outside.
"Why are you here?" Felicity asked as they started walking through the streets of NY. It'd been a long time since she'd walked like this with him again. But all she wanted to do was be upstairs with Noel, seeing wherever it was going to go next. Somehow Ben always got in the way.
"I miss you," he said in his usual whisper voice.
"What happened with that girl?" Felicity said getting it out of the way.
"She knew I was still in love with you so I moved out."
"You mean she kicked you out?"
"Does that really matter?"
Felicity laughed to herself a little. Did she ever really fall for this shit? She suddenly realized how naive she was before. She wanted to laugh out loud but she kept it to herself.
"Ben, I need to get to sleep," Felicity said stopping and turning towards him.
"Do you want to come to my place?" Ben asked touching her hand and looking into her eyes like he always did. For a split second she considered it because it would be easier than going to Noel. Because she was married to Ben still and maybe she should try to work it out. But in the end she knew that her fantasy of Ben was was gone. She wanted to finally face her real feelings. Her feelings for Noel.
"I gotta go...and you should too Ben," she said giving him a hug.
"Is it Noel?" He said as she started walking away.
"I think it kind of always has been which is weird because I always thought it was you," Felicity said as she kind of wrapped her arms around herself. She finally knewand it felt great. As she walked away she didn't have the slightest urge to turn back at all. She couldn't wait to get to Noel's apartment. She was now determined to make it work. She was also going to finally put Ben behind her for good.
When she got inside the apartment she saw Noel was asleep on the couch. She could tell he was waiting for her. She nelt down beside him and looked at him sleep for a moment. She imagined herself kissing his lips and him holding her in his arms. She imagined waking up to him for the rest of her life and nothing ever felt so right. She wished she hadn't waited so long. But she didn't wake him up. She just gently kissed his soft lips, pulled a blanket over him and went to bed.